God's Sense of Humour

[66RedRagtop]

How do you turn a dog into a blacksmith ?.



Smack its bum and it'll make a bolt for the door.

[boss69hogg]

[noblg]

What's long.....
Brown.......
And sticky"...".







A stick..

[red066]

 Banking explained in Irish(Good one) The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

[65PQNI]

Punography
1.) I tried to catch some fog…..I mist.
2.) When chemists die….They barium.
3.) Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
4.) A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray…Is now a seasoned veteran
5.) I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid…He says he can stop anytime.
6.) How does Moses make his tea ?…..Hebrews it.
7.) I stayed up all night to see where the sun went….The it dawned on me.
8.) This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club..But I never met herbivore.
9.) I’m reading a book about inti-gravity…..I can’t put it down.
10.) I did a theatrical performance about puns…..It was a play on words.
11.) They told me I had type A blood…But it was a type O.
12.) A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
13.) PMS jokes aren’t funny….Period !
14.) Why were the Indians here first ?….They had reservations.
15.) Class trip to the Coca Cola factory…..I hope there’s no pop quiz.
16.) Energizer Bunny arrested……Charged with battery.
17.) I didn’t like my beard at first….Then it grew on me.
18.) How do you make Holy water ?….Boil the hell out of it.
19.) What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ?…A thesaurus.
20.) When you get a bladder infection….urine trouble.
21.) What does a clock do when it is hungry ?..It goes back for seconds.
22.) I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger….And then it hit me.
23.) Broken pencils are pointless.

[Mattstang]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.


The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'


'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.


The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.


The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?



The bee answered,








Wait for it.wait for it..







You're just going to love this..

























BP



I see you smiling

[boss69hogg]

The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester, just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
>
> You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
>
>
> So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
>
>
> Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
>
>
> She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
>
>
> Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
> 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
>
>
> So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
>
> Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
>
>
> 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
>
>
> She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
>
> Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...
>
>
> 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
> Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
>
>
> Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
>
>
> She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
>
>
> Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
>
> PLEASE NOTE:
> To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
>
> The first floor has wives that love sex.
>
> The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
>
>
> The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Mattstang]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled of
beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered

with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking

out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his

newspaper and began reading.

 

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

"Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

 

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,

wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,

sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

 

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”,

Then returned to his paper.

 

The priest, thinking about what he had said,

nudged the man and apologized. "I'm
very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?"

 

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the Pope does."

 

 

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

[Mattstang]

 EASYJET

Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "
 

[mickemck]

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

[scedd1]

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

And then he sold his soul to Santa 

[boss69hogg]

Subject: skippy
Skippy the bush kangaroo has come forward today after years of silence......

She say's not only did Rolf Harris tie her down but the dirty bastard went on to sing about it !

[Mattstang]

MUM'S DRIVER'S LICENSE
 
Mother's Driver's License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mummy’, the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied. 'It's not polite'.

'OK', the little girl says,
'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?’

 
'Now really', the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business'.

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'



'Because on your driving licence it says you got an F in sex.'
 

                                                             
 
 

 
 
 
 

[Mattstang]

The telephone company needed to hire four more telephone pole installers and the choice came down to two from Poland and two Irishmen.
So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, when the two Polish guys reported back, the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said it was tough going but they'd put in 12.
Forty-five minutes later, Paddy and Mick came back in, totally exhausted.
"Well, how many poles did you guys install?" said the boss
Mick wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in. "
The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Polish blokes put in 12!"
"Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground. "

[Mattstang]

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

 


Husband: Sukitaki.

 

Wife replies: Kowanini!


Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!


Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!


Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!

 

 

 

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this - as if you understand Japanese!

You'll read anything as long as it is about sex, won’t you?

You need help!

[Macka]

The little boy, who had been looking out the window on QF27 out of Melbourne to LA, turned to his mother and asked,
'Mum, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'Excuse me miss,  If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats have baby cats why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' 

The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because QANTAS
always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

[boss69hogg]

The little boy, who had been looking out the window on QF27 out of Melbourne to LA, turned to his mother and asked,
'Mum, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'Excuse me miss,  If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats have baby cats why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' 

The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because QANTAS
always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

 

[66 Hertz]

This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."




I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."


 
 
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. 
"Really" she  said, "Go on then...try." 
After about  thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" 
I said, "Yesterday."


 
I got caught  taking a pee in the local swimming pool  today.   
The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
 


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." 
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?" 
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

 


 

[scedd1]

Following on from the disgusting jokes above I remembered a conversation with my brother at a pub.
He spotted this Sheila and said "id give her 1"
She turned around and called him a filthy disgusting pig and he would be the last man she would ever sleep with.
He said "Hang on there fatty, i was scoring you out of 10".

[Macka]

An old blind guy wanders into an all girl biker bar by mistake.... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender - 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The whole bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says - 'Before you tell that joke Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things':

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy Club'.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The old guy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters ……..



'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.......'

[69ISH]

I can relate to this and I am sure others can too



http://youtu.be/jr_Nd0Cmt1U

[Macka]

Diane, Sue and Maureen
Diane, Sue and Maureen haven't seen each other since leaving school.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Diane arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
 
Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number.
After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Diane in a glass of wine.
 
Maureen then walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.

Diane explains that after leaving school and attending Sydney University, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Timothy is a partner in one of Australia’s leading law firms and often entertain members of Australia’s rich list.
They live in a multi-level Penthouse on Sydney Harbour overlooking the Opera house. where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.
They have a second home in London, a holiday unit on the Gold Coast and a ski lodge in Aspen.

Sue relates that she graduated from Melbourne University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon.
Her husband, James, is a leading international financial investment banker in with 5 offices around the world.
They live on 5 acres in Portsea and have Bob Hawke and James Packer as neighbours.
They have a second home in Los Angeles and a unit in the Dakota Building in New York .

Maureen explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Allan .
They run a tropical bird park in North Queensland and grow their own vegetables.
Allan can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later……
 
Diane blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Aldi’s.
They live in a small apartment in Cabramatta and have a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and James are both nursing care assistants in an old peoples’ home.
They live in rented town house 50k outside Melbourne and backpack around Victoria for holidays.

Maureen admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
 

[Mattstang]

 Love is in the air   
 

 

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was hard to bear.

It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.

I gave her a loving smile and said,

"Get that trolley over here, love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer, for the price of 2."
 

[Mattstang]

"4 Worms In Church"
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis
to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:
The first worm in alcohol . . . . . ... Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .. Alive .
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!

[Macka]

Flawless Male Logic...
 

It will be hard to argue this logic.......
 

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man:Yes
 
Woman:
How many beers a day?
 
Man:
Usually about 3
 
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
 
Man:$5.00 which includes a tip
 
(This is where it gets scary !)
 
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
 
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
 
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
 
Man:
Correct
 
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
 
Man:
Correct
 
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a new Ferrari?
 
Man:
Do you drink beer?
 
Woman:
No
 
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?