God's Sense of Humour

[Macka]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
 Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
 We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.
 
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours !''
 'I don't remember much after that.

[66RedRagtop]

Two ladies were chatting over the fence.

One says rather glumly "hubby brought flowers home last night"

"Weren't you pleased ?"

"No, he wants me to lay on my back for a week with legs in the air.


"Oh you poor dear, haven't you got a vase ?"

[Mattstang]

A husband and wife in
Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her
car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car
again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was
very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this
time."
  

 

[Mattstang]

A man was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The man made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.
The man was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day..
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The man knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag..
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.


'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

[ultrablox]

We have a famous in some groups "tuner" (I've never met him), and these are his some "famous" projects. Words are not important, only pictures are. But read carefully, it may break your brain  http://avtogorod.net/index.php/zapiski-avtoljubitelja/746-kak-pravilno-tjuningovat-avto

[Mattstang]

One Word or Two? 
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of  their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.


The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?

[R_Beckhaus]

My New Year’s resolution is to learn Indian so I can understand my doctor and the person who answers the phone when I have a computer, telephone, warranty or MacDonalds problem.

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"... ja unnerstan dat?

By the time you read this, you’ll be able to.

In order to continue getting-by in Australia , we all need to learn the NEW English language called Englasiaish! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes....

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and a call room-service somewhere in good old Oztoday......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "......What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "ummm... crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... ummm... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder den?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...   Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea... meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, with meel uh milk please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "Wan minnie. Cramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy with meel ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said, "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' "......and you do, don't you!

[teacherspet]

Little Johnny is in his bedroom trying to go to sleep when he hears some strange noises coming from his parents bedroom. He gets out of bed & goes & has a peak through their door where he sees his naked mother on top of his naked father. Johnny bursts the door open & cries "Mum, what are you doing to Dad??!!" to which his mother replies somewhat embarrassed "I am trying to push the air out of your fathers tummy". Little Johnny pipes up & says "ah Mum, you're wasting your time. When you go out in the mornings, Mrs Robinson from next door comes over & tries to blow Dad back up again!" 

[Macka]

I know that some in here will love this..

A New South Wales policeman spots a huge drunken black guy dancing different steps on the roof of a Ford Sierra to attract women.
He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"
"A big fat drunken darkie is dancing different steps on a car roof."

"You can't say that over the radio, use proper police lingo." replies the operator. "You have to use the politically correct terminology"

"OK" he says:
"Whiskey....Zulu ...Tango .... Foxtrot.....Sierra.....Romeo"

[R_Beckhaus]

  LOL

[66 Hertz]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the
number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. 
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would
receive after his death would be cut by 25% this October from 72 to 54.
A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of
suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs  (or B.O.O.M) responded
with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the
cause of Jihad.  We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants
explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.  They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.  Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.  It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off.  I don't like cutting afterlife benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.”


Spokespersons for the BOOM union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, New Zealand and the
entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt  their membership as there are no virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed
to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks
like and have reconsidered their benefit package.

[Mattstang]

O’Malley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.  The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.
The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't O’Malley.'  The mortician thought this was rather strange so he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.

Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't O’Malley'.  The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Paddy said, 'Well, O’Malley had two arseholes.'

'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.  'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:  “There's O’Malley with them two arseholes!”

[Mattstang]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."


The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."


The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something that could
possibly help mankind."


The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means
when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."


The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[65GTK]

The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre.

He could not remove the pigeons from the city.
All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.

One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.

'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.'

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon.

The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky.

All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in he air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed The blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a cheque for 1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE Question.

The Mayor asked: 'Do you have a blue Muslim?'

[Mattstang]

“Hi! I’m Jane” she said.
"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"
"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.
"You just have to ask me nicely" he replied.

 

[BAC]

"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"

Geez, don't think you'd want to be using 'short' and 'dick' in the same sentence when describing yourself... 

[Mattstang]

The English language has some wonderfully
anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups
of animals.
We are all familiar with a
Herd of cows,
Flock of chickens,
School of fish
And a Gaggle of geese, and
A Pride of lions
However, less widely known is
A Murder of crows
An Exaltation of doves
And, presumably because they look so wise:
A Congress of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most
viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.........
And what is the proper collective noun for a group of
baboons?
Believe it or not ……. A Parliament
YEP....A PARLIAMENT OF BABOONS! Pretty much explains
everything doesn't it?
You just can’t make this stuff up !!

[R_Beckhaus]

LOL...I wonder if the leader of a Parliament of Baboons is called an Abbott? 

[peter9231]

Absolutely Abbott.

[Mattstang]

 As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Hurstville City Council parking ranger’s  funeral, a voice from inside screams

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Priest smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters

"Too f**king late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

[66 Hertz]

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

[66 Hertz]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

[Mattstang]

Arriving In Heaven

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
 
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
 
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
 
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.   

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"

[66 Hertz]

A man walks into a drug store with his 9-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

[66 Hertz]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
 
 
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"