God's Sense of Humour

[Macka]

A funeral service is being held for a wife of a Mustang owner who had just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and the hubbie hasn't been able to restore anymore ponies and then one day she suddenly dies again.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

[HEVEN67]

Unionism - Another one on the "Old" theme

 

 

 

 

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive

Blonde.  



"I'd like her," he said.


"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a
92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

[R_Beckhaus]

If a Typist gets RSI,
And a Tennis Player gets Tennis Elbow,
What does a Gynaecologist get???
















Tunnel Vision!

[Macka]

Yeah, well..if a Map book of Sydney is a Sydways..

and one of Melbourne is a Melways...

whats a road map book of the country?>

[Macka]

Yesterday I took the Mustang out for a spin whilst going to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.
My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc. Like you'd be filling your garage with nice coloured Mustangs.  I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

[dropbearracing]

BIT WORRIED WITH YOUR DIET,
BACKING FIRING WITH CARB CLEAN IS OK ,
BUT BACK FIRING WITH WITH ALL BRAN CAN BE A REAL PAIN IN THE AS% :w:o

[FST68]

>>> >>>>>>>A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not
>>>had a
>>> >>>>>>>date or sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might
>>>have
>>> >>>>>>>something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the
>>>medical
>>> >>>>>>>expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Woo
>>>F'ong
>>> >>>>>>>Chang.
>>> >>>>>>>
>>> >>>>>>>Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK,
>>>take off
>>> >>>>>>>all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, down
>>>on your
>>> >>>>>>>hands and knees and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of
>>>room."
>>> >>>>>>>Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
>>> >>>>>>>
>>> >>>>>>>Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back
>>>to me."
>>> >>>>>>>As she did,
>>> >>>>>>>Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad.
>>>You haf >>>>>>>Ed
>>> >>>>>>>Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not
>>>haf sex or
>>> >>>>>>>dates."
>>> >>>>>>>
>>> >>>>>>>The woman asked anxiously, ! "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what
>>>is Ed
>>> >>>>>>>Zachary Disease?"
>>> >>>>>>>
>>> >>>>>>>Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease
>>>is when
>>> >>>>>>>your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

[R_Beckhaus]

Why do brides always wear white?


So they match the rest of the whitegoods in the kitchen.



What do men and floor tiles have in common?


Lay 'em right the first time and you can walk on them for the rest of your life.

[taxi_driver]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.'

'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.


'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.


'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

[HEVEN67]

one day a young boy was sitting on a street corner with a bottle of turpentine. the boy would shake the bottle and watch the bubbles and at that time a priest walked by. the priest said, "son what are you doing?" the boy replied, "mr. preacher, this is the strongest liquid in the world, they call this turpentine." the preist then said, "oh no son, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. if you take a couple of drops of holy water and rub it on a pregnant woman's stomach, she will pass a baby boy." the boy then replied, "shi# that ain't nothing, if you take a couple of drops of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass he will pass a 67 mustang.

[Macka]

A blonde's Mustang gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The life like cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.

HELLLLLLO, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied

[HEVEN67]

Why Men are never Depressed

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.

You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station rest room because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000, tux rental-$100 . People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Y our belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[HEVEN67]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out
as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he
had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, how
much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need
was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she
realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
to her.

"And by the way," the Blonde added,

"it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

[Macka]

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found
a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods; and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out
$100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish."

[HEVEN67]

Hey chris, We must have a common link some where, these last 2 jokes were sent to my email a few days before you posted them, How strange?

[Macka]

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. The king was a very jealous man.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the king's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his
desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a litt le bit into the queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the king and queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the cure for the itch.
The king quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1, 000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the king, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king's underwear . The king immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Moral of the story: Pay your bills!

[johnpony]

Why do they call them your WIFE. Cause it stands for  Washing, Ironing, Fu*$%ing, Etc.
 
 Love is Grand Divorce is 200 Grand.



Cheers . John Pony

[Macka]

A man and woman who both owned Mustangs were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor about it.
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground apart from the Mach1 and the early coupe, begin his analysis said,
"Tell me about anything the two of you have in common apart from having nice cars."
The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks d*cks."

[R_Beckhaus]

A Redhead, a Brunette and a Blonde are all in year 8 at school. Which one has the biggest boobs?

The Blonde because she's 19!

How do you get an 80 tear old lady to say the "F" word?

You get another 80 year old to shout "BINGO!"

 What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

10 years and 20kgs

[Macka]

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time -

A woman drove her Mustang to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the car bits she bought because they wouldn't fit like original Mustang bits would. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman lifts up her Mustang jacket and started screaming,  "RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the parts and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special and he didn't care if they didn't fit.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,  "RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES!"   and doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says,  "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES RUBBED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!"

[Macka]

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

[Macka]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course.  What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and, I’m afraid they'll confiscate it.  Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me?  Under your robes, perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:  I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

[HEVEN67]

yes that is very amusing!:+

[R_Beckhaus]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscle Contractions" to his Medical Students.
Realising this was not exactly a riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked her: "Do you know what your a**hole is doing while youre having an orgasm?"
She replied "Probably out driving his Mustang!"

[HEVEN67]

;_;_;_There getting better all the time!