Print Page - God's Sense of Humour

Technical & General Discussion Area => General Chat Room => Topic started by: HEVEN67 on April 26, 2007, 10:46:34 am

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on April 26, 2007, 10:46:34 am

Hi Folks, Does anyone know any one liners, I will start you off.
Whats black and white and eats like a horse?

A zebra!

Hey that was easy, Keep em clean,no swear words!:(

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: FST68 on April 26, 2007, 03:02:08 pm

not a 1 liner but its the cleanest joke I know

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else
could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and
what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day
myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: dropbearracing on April 26, 2007, 06:20:29 pm

WHAT DO YOU GIVE A DIRTY LITTLE FRENCHMAN WHO SAYS "I GOT EVERYTHING & IAM BETTER THAN YOU ! "
* A CAKE OF SOAP & REFUSE HIS VISA ,HA HA ( SORRY GUYS IN JOKE FOR ME );3

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ron on April 26, 2007, 07:33:20 pm

Clean??!! That's hard.:+ What's the last thing that goes thru a bugs mind when he hits a windscreen?..........his bum:a

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on April 26, 2007, 07:41:04 pm

Whats black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!:+

Good ha!!?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jas24zzk on April 26, 2007, 09:12:10 pm

Duck walks into a bar,
"got any apples?" he asks,
"no" replies the bartender
so the duck leaves

Next day the duck returns to the bar,
"got any apples?" he asks,
"no" replies the bartender
so the duck leaves

Third day the duck returns yet again,
"got any apples?" he asks,
"NO, and if you ask again i'll hit ya with a cricket bat!" screams the bartender
so the duck leaves

Fourth day duck returns,
"got a cricket bat?" asks the duck
"No" replies the bartender
"Got any apples?"

Cheers
Jas

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ron on April 26, 2007, 09:30:55 pm

What is it with duck jokes? A duck walks into a chemist,Duck says.." A packet of condoms please".... Chemist asks "Would you like that on your bill?". Duck says, "What do you think I am ... a d1ckhead??!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on April 26, 2007, 10:04:20 pm

Whats big and red and shaped like a bucket?

A big red bucket:+:+:+:+:+

Whats big and blue and shaped like a bucket?

The big red bucket in disguise:+:+:+:+:+:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: FST68 on April 27, 2007, 08:33:05 am

Heres a blond joke for ya cheers:+

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's
doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on
his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair
and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde
jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her
worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like
me from being respected at work and in the community, and from
reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your
kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the
blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to
that little shit on your knee".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on April 27, 2007, 09:49:11 am

what do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: FST68 on April 27, 2007, 03:47:13 pm

For the boys...

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

---------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
Probably never be able to support you.

---------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
stand closer to the kitchen sink.

---------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

---------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

---------------------------------------------------

Why do men break wind more than women?

Because w omen can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.

---------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the
front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

---------------------------------------------------

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

---------------------------------------------------

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.

---------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by
90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

---------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

---------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

---------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on April 27, 2007, 07:22:59 pm

Why do Brides always wear white?

So they match the rest of the whitegoods in the kitchen.

What do men and floor tiles have in common?

Lay them right the first time and they can be walked on for the rest of their lives.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jas24zzk on April 27, 2007, 11:19:34 pm

Why was the woman trying to cross the road??

her chain was too long

Jas

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on April 28, 2007, 04:47:46 pm

Whats Red and stoopid?

No not a holden!

A blood clot!:-

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on April 28, 2007, 05:12:37 pm

Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on April 30, 2007, 10:45:28 pm

2 Irishmen are trying to figure out a way to measure the height of a flag pole. After many hours of frustration using a tape measure with no luck a Blonde Female Engineer comes along and seeing the predicament she unbolts the flag pole lays it down and promptly measures the flag pole for the Irishman.
As she walks away one of the Irishman remarks "Typical, we wanted the height and all she gave us was the length."

With apologies to Blonde Female Engineers and Irishman.

Shawn

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on April 30, 2007, 10:46:41 pm

Whats Green and turns red at the flick of a switch?

Kermit in a blender.

Shawn

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: FST68 on May 01, 2007, 11:52:35 am

Ain't this the truth!!!

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made" said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and its going to be a great world of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Queensland, the most glorious place on earth. A land of sunshine, there are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of beautiful rain forests, magnificent islands and beaches, a beautiful reef, the world's finest sportsmen and women, artists, musicians, writers, philosophers, explorers and politicians. There is an abundance of minerals and fantastic farming land. It is a place where everyone from around the world will come for their holidays to relax and enjoy themselves. The people from Queensland are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known through out the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting next to them in New South Wales."

Appologies to the people that live in NSW

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: FST68 on May 01, 2007, 12:02:31 pm

Aunty Sharon
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get
their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day
the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg
laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, "Our family are
farmers too, but we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to
share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran
out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 01, 2007, 01:33:32 pm

These one liners are getting long winded!
Why did the boy fall off his bike?

Cause someone threw a fridge at him!
See quality one liners!LOL:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ron on May 01, 2007, 07:03:59 pm

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?...... Because it was dead. Circa 1980

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: usa289 on May 03, 2007, 04:35:52 pm

Why did little Sally fall off the swing?

Because she didn't have any arms ....

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 2233 on May 03, 2007, 05:31:48 pm

Whats white got 4 wheels and gets beaten by something with 4 wheels and red?

echo's 68 :-:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 03, 2007, 07:26:49 pm

Wats red and smokes like a chimney?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 2233 on May 03, 2007, 07:29:34 pm

A censored Aed C4?:+

Whats the verdict?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 03, 2007, 07:40:06 pm

That'S N F G!
I only finally eventually completely happilly slowly embarressingly got her home tonite, no one saw me, I can guarantee that!
The smokes still hasnt cleared!:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 2233 on May 03, 2007, 07:43:05 pm

Does it change gear? Or is it stuck in one gear?

Whats the chances of a sneak preview of a bit of footage?

Have you had a look on the big screen yet?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: edd666 on May 03, 2007, 07:43:38 pm

have u looked into what the problem might be

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 03, 2007, 08:00:11 pm

Quote

Originally posted by echo
Does it change gear? Or is it stuck in one gear?

Whats the chances of a sneak preview of a bit of footage?

Have you had a look on the big screen yet?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on May 03, 2007, 08:04:10 pm

OOOhhhh! How good is it! AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaawsome!
I musta watched it ............10 times! Smoke,fuel, oil!
even more than on the way home!
There's one bit that when I played it the TV almost fell off the wall unit! [/quote]

Hey Heven67,

Cant be as bad as mine a few years ago.

Just finished rebuilding motor & C4 on my ZK Fairlane and took it for a blast to "see what she could do"......220-230km/h and bang....snapped the rear extension on the C4 in half :+

It now resides on my wall (the rear extension).

Shawn

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: edd666 on May 03, 2007, 08:26:04 pm

heven check your u2u

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 03, 2007, 08:54:00 pm

Just finished rebuilding motor & C4 on my ZK Fairlane and took it for a blast to "see what she could do"......220-230km/h and bang....snapped the rear extension on the C4 in half :+

It now resides on my wall (the rear extension).

Shawn [/quote]

No mine didnt blow apart! How close to the house were you driving?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on May 03, 2007, 10:56:21 pm

Quote

Originally posted by HEVEN67
Just finished rebuilding motor & C4 on my ZK Fairlane and took it for a blast to "see what she could do"......220-230km/h and bang....snapped the rear extension on the C4 in half :+

It now resides on my wall (the rear extension).

Shawn

No mine didnt blow apart! How close to the house were you driving? [/quote]

Was about 10kms or so had to ring the old man as tranny drained of all fluid...but I coasted for 4-5kms...........

He asked me what speed ummmmmm 120 or so I went :*

Wasnt till I got home that I realised that I had destroyed the rear housing.

Shawn

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 06, 2007, 11:21:15 am

Womens Asses
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. The results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too big...

10% of women think their ass is too little...

The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 14, 2007, 04:37:05 pm

A bloke got a unexpested visit from GOD.
The bloke said to GOD what can I do so as I go to HEVEN?
GOD replied: You must give up the fags,grog and sex!
Is that all? he replied:
Thats it! GOD said.

A couple of months later GOD retured to the bloke,
Howd you go? Ready for HEVEN? GOD said.

Well the fags were easy, The grog wasnt so difficult either, But the sex, well...... I one day I seen my wife bending over getting something from the fridge..and well I couldnt help myself.

Im sorry! But HEVEN wont like that sort of behaviour! GOD said.
The Bloke replied: No neither did COLES!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ron on May 14, 2007, 08:02:49 pm

SEE!! I told you Phill has a sense of humour! .... What does WIFE stand for.... Washing, Ironing, Food and Entertainment:a

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 14, 2007, 08:58:15 pm

Quote

Originally posted by ron
SEE!! I told you Phill has a sense of humour! .... What does WIFE stand for.... Washing, Ironing, Food and Entertainment:a

I thought W=winging?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Brett_T on May 14, 2007, 09:00:54 pm

Confucious also says
" Man that have sex on side of hill, not on the level";3

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Brett_T on May 15, 2007, 09:23:02 am

A woman , standing nude , looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I look horrible , I feel fat and ugly . Pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's Bloody perfect."

No offence to any ladies reading these...;+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: FST68 on May 17, 2007, 03:21:32 pm

> Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
> but she belonged to someone else...
>
>
> One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
> her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
> screw you. But the girl said NO.
>
>
> Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
> the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
> time you pick it up. "
>
>
> She thought for a moment and said that she would have
> to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
> boyfriend and told him the story.
>
>
> Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
> money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
> pants down."
>
>
> So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
> goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
> girlfriend to call.
>
>
> Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
> asks what happened.
>
>
> She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 18, 2007, 07:29:06 pm

My wife has a speech impedament!
she somtimes has to to stop to breath!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: shelby_mustro on May 19, 2007, 09:55:22 pm

> >An elderly Sydney couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex
therapist's
> >office.
>>
>>The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
>>
>>The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
>>
>>The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such
>>
>>an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
>>
>>When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely
>>
>>nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for
>>
>>coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good-bye.
>
>>The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist
to
>>watch again
>>
>>The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several
>>
>>weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with
no
>>
>>problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
>>
>>Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry,
>>but I have to ask.
>>
>>Just what are you trying to find out?"
>>
>>The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's
>>
>>married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't
>>
>>go to my house.
>>
>>The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $169. We do it here
for
>>
>>$50, and I get $43 back from Medicare".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on June 08, 2007, 07:17:21 pm

What's the difference between a fox & a dog?

2 beers!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: nassi on June 08, 2007, 08:06:05 pm

Quote

Originally posted by R_Beckhaus
What's the difference between a fox & a dog?

2 beers!

:+:+:+:+:+:+:(

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on June 08, 2007, 09:58:05 pm

Your a cheap drunk!...@ 2 beers.

A newly wed couple arrive at the honeymoon suite,
they are about to be intimate when the husband removes his shoes and sox,
his bride looks at his toes and sees they are all curled up, she askes
"why are your toes curled up?"
he replies " i had TOLIO when I was a boy"
she says " you mean POLIO"
"No TOLIO, It only effected my toes"
Then he removes his trousers and she sees his knees
"whats wrong with your knees"
"I had NEAZELS when I was a kid"
then he removes his underpants
and she says
"don't tell me you had SMALLCOX"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: dropbearracing on June 11, 2007, 09:31:44 pm

BIG AL STUMBLES INTO THE DUBBO PUB WITH A CAT AND AN EMU.
THE BARTENDER YELLS " NO ANIMALS IN THE PUB BIG AL",
BEFORE AL CAN REPLY THE CAT YELLS BACK " GO GET STUFFED YOU LUMP OF SH$%" AND THEN FOLLOWS WITH " SET THREE BEERS UP , AND MAKE IT QUICK OR I WILL SCRATCH YOU PEN$% OFF."
THE BARTENDER LOOKS PUZZLED AND DAZED WITH WHATS CONFRONTING HIM, HE HAS TO ASK BIG AL WHAT GIVES WITH HIS NEW FRIENDS.
BIG AL REPLYS TO ALL PRESENT, " I FOUND A WISHING WELL OUT BACK, IT READ A WISH GRANTED FOR $2.00 , ALL I HAD WAS FIFTY CENTS."
BY NOW WORD SPREAD AROUND TOWN, THE PUB WAS PACKED.
BIG AL CONTINUES " IVE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE HERE, SO I WISHED FOR A TALL BIRD WITH A TIGHT PUSS% , AND CRAP ME I GET A BLOODY EMU AND A STUCK UP CAT.":2:+:2

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on June 14, 2007, 03:43:10 pm

Pierre the Free French Fighter Pilot was out for a night on the town and met a real looker. After wine,dinner and dance, they ended up in Pierre's flat. The woman said to Pierre :-
"Pierre I av ad a wonderfool evening! A kiss would make it Perfec!" So Pierre went over to a small, intricately carved wall cabinet, opened the doors, pulled open the top drawer and removed a small glass vial of liquid, which he held up to the light, then removed the stopper and sniffed the contents. He took the liquid over to the woman, poured it on her lips and then passionately kissed her.
"OH! Pierre zat was a wonderful kiss, Cest Magnifique! What was that amazing liquid?"
"When Pierre Ze fightair Pilote kisses on ze lips zey must taste of roses!"
"OH Pierre, how romantique, Kiss me on these!" AS she whips off her blouse and bra.
Pierre goes once again to his little wall cabinet, slides out the second drawer and removes another vial of liquid which he holds to the light, then uncorks and sniffs. He then went back to the woman and poured on the liquid and kisses her passionately on the required places.
"OH Pierre! Zat was even better!...Kiss me down there!" as she whips off her daks.
Pierre once more goes over to his little wall cabinet, opens the third drawer, pulls out a vial, holds it to the light, uncorks and sniffs it then takes it over to the woman and pours it onto her groin, then stands back a safe distance, strikes a match and throws it onto the liquid, which goes up with a whoomp. The woman screams, and while she's beating out the bushfire, cries "WHAT WAS ZAT FOR?"
"When Pierre ze Free French Fightair Pilote goes down, He goes down in flames!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on June 14, 2007, 05:33:52 pm

BIG AL STUMBLES INTO THE DUBBO PUB WITH A CAT AND AN EMU.
THE BARTENDER YELLS " NO ANIMALS IN THE PUB BIG AL",

Who?

Oh Pierre you are so................... RUDE!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on June 17, 2007, 06:40:27 pm

A female dwarf goes to the doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.

He lifts up her skirt and sticks his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt . "How's that?"

"Well it's a lot better actually, but....... it's still there"

Undaunted, he dives under her skirt for another go.

Snip, snip, snip. Out he comes.

"How's that?" He asks, more confident.

"That's wonderful, what did you do?"

"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on June 19, 2007, 04:54:13 pm

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye harv eni books on suicide?"

In response to which, she stops doing what she's doing, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 21, 2007, 03:02:45 pm

A funeral service is being held for a wife of a Mustang owner who had just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and the hubbie hasn't been able to restore anymore ponies and then one day she suddenly dies again.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on June 21, 2007, 03:55:14 pm

Unionism - Another one on the "Old" theme

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive

Blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a
92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on June 22, 2007, 02:53:10 pm

If a Typist gets RSI,
And a Tennis Player gets Tennis Elbow,
What does a Gynaecologist get???

Tunnel Vision!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 22, 2007, 03:30:13 pm

Yeah, well..if a Map book of Sydney is a Sydways..

and one of Melbourne is a Melways...

whats a road map book of the country?>

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 23, 2007, 04:16:00 pm

Yesterday I took the Mustang out for a spin whilst going to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.
My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc. Like you'd be filling your garage with nice coloured Mustangs. I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: dropbearracing on June 24, 2007, 06:20:53 pm

BIT WORRIED WITH YOUR DIET,
BACKING FIRING WITH CARB CLEAN IS OK ,
BUT BACK FIRING WITH WITH ALL BRAN CAN BE A REAL PAIN IN THE AS% :w:o

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: FST68 on June 26, 2007, 11:29:05 am

>>> >>>>>>>A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not
>>>had a
>>> >>>>>>>date or sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might
>>>have
>>> >>>>>>>something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the
>>>medical
>>> >>>>>>>expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Woo
>>>F'ong
>>> >>>>>>>Chang.
>>> >>>>>>>
>>> >>>>>>>Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK,
>>>take off
>>> >>>>>>>all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, down
>>>on your
>>> >>>>>>>hands and knees and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of
>>>room."
>>> >>>>>>>Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
>>> >>>>>>>
>>> >>>>>>>Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back
>>>to me."
>>> >>>>>>>As she did,
>>> >>>>>>>Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad.
>>>You haf >>>>>>>Ed
>>> >>>>>>>Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not
>>>haf sex or
>>> >>>>>>>dates."
>>> >>>>>>>
>>> >>>>>>>The woman asked anxiously, ! "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what
>>>is Ed
>>> >>>>>>>Zachary Disease?"
>>> >>>>>>>
>>> >>>>>>>Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease
>>>is when
>>> >>>>>>>your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on June 26, 2007, 04:23:37 pm

Why do brides always wear white?

So they match the rest of the whitegoods in the kitchen.

What do men and floor tiles have in common?

Lay 'em right the first time and you can walk on them for the rest of your life.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: taxi_driver on June 28, 2007, 12:52:39 pm

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.'

'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on June 28, 2007, 02:51:26 pm

one day a young boy was sitting on a street corner with a bottle of turpentine. the boy would shake the bottle and watch the bubbles and at that time a priest walked by. the priest said, "son what are you doing?" the boy replied, "mr. preacher, this is the strongest liquid in the world, they call this turpentine." the preist then said, "oh no son, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. if you take a couple of drops of holy water and rub it on a pregnant woman's stomach, she will pass a baby boy." the boy then replied, "shi# that ain't nothing, if you take a couple of drops of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass he will pass a 67 mustang.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 04, 2007, 03:21:03 pm

A blonde's Mustang gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The life like cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.

HELLLLLLO, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 05, 2007, 04:46:13 pm

Why Men are never Depressed

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.

You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station rest room because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000, tux rental-$100 . People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Y our belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 05, 2007, 04:54:34 pm

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out
as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he
had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, how
much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need
was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she
realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
to her.

"And by the way," the Blonde added,

"it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 06, 2007, 03:06:40 pm

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found
a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods; and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out
$100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 08, 2007, 06:54:01 pm

Hey chris, We must have a common link some where, these last 2 jokes were sent to my email a few days before you posted them, How strange?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 08, 2007, 09:39:07 pm

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. The king was a very jealous man.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the king's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his
desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a litt le bit into the queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the king and queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the cure for the itch.
The king quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1, 000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the king, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king's underwear . The king immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Moral of the story: Pay your bills!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: johnpony on July 09, 2007, 03:52:49 pm

Why do they call them your WIFE. Cause it stands for Washing, Ironing, Fu*$%ing, Etc.

Love is Grand Divorce is 200 Grand.

Cheers . John Pony

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 09, 2007, 05:43:17 pm

A man and woman who both owned Mustangs were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor about it.
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground apart from the Mach1 and the early coupe, begin his analysis said,
"Tell me about anything the two of you have in common apart from having nice cars."
The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks d*cks."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on July 10, 2007, 03:29:11 pm

A Redhead, a Brunette and a Blonde are all in year 8 at school. Which one has the biggest boobs?

The Blonde because she's 19!

How do you get an 80 tear old lady to say the "F" word?

You get another 80 year old to shout "BINGO!"

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

10 years and 20kgs

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 10, 2007, 04:28:11 pm

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time -

A woman drove her Mustang to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the car bits she bought because they wouldn't fit like original Mustang bits would. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman lifts up her Mustang jacket and started screaming, "RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the parts and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special and he didn't care if they didn't fit.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed, "RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES!" and doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES RUBBED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 10, 2007, 04:31:08 pm

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 11, 2007, 11:08:39 am

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the
Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and, I’m afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes, perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 11, 2007, 02:19:41 pm

yes that is very amusing!:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on July 11, 2007, 04:05:43 pm

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscle Contractions" to his Medical Students.
Realising this was not exactly a riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked her: "Do you know what your a**hole is doing while youre having an orgasm?"
She replied "Probably out driving his Mustang!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 11, 2007, 07:36:49 pm

;_;_;_There getting better all the time!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 11, 2007, 07:54:52 pm

Q: What did the fish say when he bumped into a concrete wall?

A: Dam.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 11, 2007, 09:38:33 pm

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 11, 2007, 09:42:54 pm

Whoops.:* My first ever censored word. sorry

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 12, 2007, 04:18:38 pm

Marriage is grand!
Divorce is a hundred grand!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 12, 2007, 07:24:33 pm

An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.
He said that's fine with me.

She said: And I want to keep my 66 Mustang.
He said: That's fine with me as long as i keep my 69 Boss.

She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays..

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on July 13, 2007, 02:24:31 pm

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eightiesand had never been married. Sshe was admired by all for her kind, sweet nature. One afternoon the priest came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room to sit while she prepared a cup of tea.
As he sat looking at her old pump organ, he noticed a cut glass bowl full of water sitting on top of it and floating in the water was a condom!
When she returned, they had their tea and chatted for a while, until the priest was no longer able to contain his curiosity and asked her about the bowl of water and it's strange floater.
"Isn't it wonderful!" she exclaimed "I was walking home from church through the park one sunday, a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease! And do you know I haven't had a cold or the flu all winter?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 13, 2007, 06:04:20 pm

two women on their way back from a big night out stop off at a grave yard to relieve themselves. one wipes her self with her knickers, whilst the other uses a nearby wreath. the next day their husbands are at the local pub. the husband of the first woman says,
"i had better keep an eye on my wife, because she came home with no knickers last night".
the husband of the second woman replied,
"that's nothing. my wife came home with a card wedged in her a$$ saying, we'll never forget you from all the boys at the council."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 13, 2007, 07:58:41 pm

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point precisely".

:+:+:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: shelby_mustro on July 13, 2007, 09:14:35 pm

hey guys check this early pizza hut add out on youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KdK9j-J4au4

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 14, 2007, 12:12:20 am

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee she's fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. The the mother explained to the little boy that it was far better to judge someone from their actions and not by their looks.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run, she's backing up!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 18, 2007, 09:17:26 am

Irish Vasectomy.
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was

enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went

to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have

anymore children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that

would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly

alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put

it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest

guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer

can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He

held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"

at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he

could continue counting on his other hand.

Word has it that this procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on July 18, 2007, 11:19:57 am

Three guys were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives household duties.

Terry had married an American woman and he bragged how he had told his wife that it was her duty to do all the dishes and housework. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a spotless house and all the washing up had been done and put away.

Jimmy had married a Canadian Girl and he boasted that he'd ordered his wife to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking.He said he saw no results on day 1, better results on day 2 and by day 3 his house was pristine, dishes done and a huge roast on the table waiting for him.

Dave said he'd married an Australian lass and he'd told her she was to keep the house clean, dishes washed,laundry and ironing done twice a week, lawns mowed, the windows washed and hot meals three times a day. He said on the first day he saw saw nothing, on the second day he also saw nothing, but on the third day the swelling had gone down enough so he could see enough out of his left eye to make a sandwich, load the dishwasher and call a handyman.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 19, 2007, 06:14:20 pm

Two elderly women were out driving in a 67 Mustang, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 20, 2007, 12:00:29 pm

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go.

She pulls once, Then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells...

"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on July 20, 2007, 05:09:13 pm

An old lady, in a nursing home, was tottering along with her walking frame when ,all of a sudden, a Nurse steps out of a doorway and says : Mrs Smith, I hope that vehicle is registered!" Mrs Smith hunts around in her cardigan pocket and pulls out a lolly wrapper and hands it to the Nurse. "Ok then, off you go"
She toddles on a bit further and another nurse pops out of a doorway and says "Mrs Smith, I hope that vehicle is insured!" Mrs Smith hunts around in her cardigan pocket again and hands over another lolly wrapper. "Ok then, off you go"
She hadn't gone very far when yet another Nurse jumps out of a doorway and says "Mrs Smith, I hope you have a licence to drive that vehicle!" Mrs smith rats around in her pockets and comes up with another lolly wrapper which she hands over, saying "It's my lastr one." The nurse says "Ok then, off you go!"
Mrs Smith went off and a little way further on, as she rounded a corner , there,right in the middle of the corridor an blocking her way was one of the male residents of the home, STARK NAKED! Mrs Smith said "Damn, wouldn't you know it, a breathaliser!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 20, 2007, 09:56:17 pm

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 22, 2007, 05:43:59 pm

Car names II

GM
General Maintenance
Great Mistake
Garbage Motors
Generally Miserable
Grossly Misconceived
Gluteus Maximus

GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?
Generally Mediocre Cars
Get More Chicks
Gets Mechanics Crazy
Gods Mechanical Curse
Got More Crap
Great Mountain Climber
Great Motor Car

GTO
Gas, Tires, Oil

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
Hallmark Of Non-Descript Automobiles
Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles
HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

JEEP
Just Eats Every Part
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly
Just Empty Every Pocket

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

MG
Money Guzzler

MGB
Might Go Backwards

MGF
Might Go Forward

MIATA
My Intention Always To Accelerate

MOPAR
Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
Most Often Passed At Races
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Move Over People Are Racing
Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly
My Old Pig Ain't Running
My Only Problems Are Repairs

MUSTANG
Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good

OLDSMOBILE
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
old ladies driving slowly making other behind insanely late everyday

PINTO
Put In Nickel To Operate
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook

PLYMOUTH
Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood

PORSCHE
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Sorry Auto, Always Broken
Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

SUBARU
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass
The One You Ought To Avoid

TRIUMPH
This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 22, 2007, 05:50:06 pm

What's going on in the car forums?
______________________________

Bentley Forums
- - - I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.

Mustang (Chevelle) forums
- - -Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forums
- - -Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

Civic forums
- - -Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum
- - - The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

Yugo Forum
- - - When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum
- - - Wind noise around 210MPH

Ute forum
--- Why does everyone want to be my friend when they want something moved?

Miata forums
- - - Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)

Chevy Tahoe forum
- - -Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics)

Pontiac Fiero forum
- - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)

BMW 7-series forum
- - - Where to get service on my Rolex?

1974 Mustang forum
- - - Why won't anyone talk to me?

Cadillac forum
- - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Chevy Suburban Forum
- - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon?

Buick Forum
- - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum
- - - How come people never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum
- - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum
- - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forums
- - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums
- - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Saturn forums
- - - Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.

Jaguar forum
- - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mercedes forum
- - - My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?

Mini forum
- - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dodge Viper forum
- - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 forum
- - -Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum
- - - Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer forum
- - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas.

Fiat forum
- - -Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

Chevy pickup forum
- - - How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck?

SRT Forums
"Will this void my warranty"

RX7 Forums
- - - 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me.

DSM Forums
- - -Transmission Groupbuy Full stop PM'ing me

Supra Forums
- - -Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Vette Forums
- - -Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier steering wheel?

Ford 2.3 forums
- - -Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 22, 2007, 06:03:38 pm

Joke of the day,week, month...no no YEAR!

My old Auto!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 25, 2007, 09:06:05 am

A young couple was in their honeymoon suite
on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed,
the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his
pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size
of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right and don't forget it," said the husband.
"I'm the man in this family."
With that, she flipped him her panties and said,
"Try these on." He tried them on and found he could
only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties"
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's
going to be until your attitude changes!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 25, 2007, 05:47:24 pm

A blonde Lady Motorist

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from Melbourne when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Melbourne?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Melbourne Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's Mustang and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Melbourne when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, but we had money left over---so now we're going to Luna Park as well.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 27, 2007, 01:20:58 pm

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentry work
> on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding,
> would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over
> her shoulder or nail it in.
> Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing
> those nails away?"
> Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
> have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."
> Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't
> defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 27, 2007, 03:58:12 pm

Ah, i see where this is going now -Blondesville..

Car Trouble

A blonde pushes her 66 Mustang into a petrol station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 27, 2007, 06:48:24 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
Ah, i see where this is going now -Blondesville..

Car Trouble

A blonde pushes her 66 Mustang into a petrol station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

My imagination ran wild as i cracked up!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 27, 2007, 09:47:48 pm

ok, try----

Two blonds were riding up an elevator. Long before reaching their floor, the elevator stopped and this really great looking guy got on.
He smiled at the blonds, and reached over and hit the button for the next floor. Then he stood and admired the scenery while the elevator went up. When the door opened behind him, he smiled at the blondes, turned and went out the door. When he turned to leave, the blonds saw a large number of dandruff flakes down his back.
The first blond turned to the second blond and said, " Eewweue!"
The second blond said," Thats o.k. If I can get him home, I'll give him Head & Shoulders."
The first blond asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 27, 2007, 09:55:07 pm

A gay guy walks into a bar and sits in the corner. A straight guy walks into the bar and says to the bartender "I'm so thirsty I could lick a cows balls!" Then the gay in the corner goes "moo!!"
;+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 27, 2007, 09:58:27 pm

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A. Get'em on their back and their both screwed.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 30, 2007, 09:12:51 pm

This Bloke named Wally wanted to buy a pony for his daughter, so he went to the sale yards at Windsor, He looked all around and the were all either too expensive of too big! He only had $150 to spend, then he seen a old Italian chap with a 'for sale' sign hanging around a Donkeys neck.
He started to think and asked the chap "G'day buddy, my names Wally, How much for the Donkey?
Mumma Mea.. You wanna buya mya Donkey?
My Namea isa Mario, Mya donkey shea isa namea Maria.. "$150 .... Very cheap A? She notta looka mucha.. buta shea gooda donkey!
The Bloke thought 'Well I cant afford a pony so the next best thing is a donkey'
So the bloke bought the Donkey and took it home to his daughter...
Well when she seen the donkey!..... she was delighted, she pet it she washed it she brushed it and she loved it, She said "thank you daddy for the Donkey she is just wonderful...but there seems to be some problem!"
Whats that said the daddy?
It seems like it keeps walking into stuff, I think we should call a vet!"
Wally immediately called a Vet and he confirmed that indeed the donkey was blind!
"BLIND"...Wally was outraged.
Next sale day he was off down to the sale yards in search of Mario
Wally went to Joe and said "why didnt you tell me that the donkey was blind?"
Mario said " I dida.. Ima tolda you
:w'SHE NOTTA LOOKA MUCH'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 31, 2007, 04:25:12 pm

Ah ok... bring on the donkey !!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 31, 2007, 04:30:17 pm

Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 31, 2007, 06:18:34 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

MAXIMUM POINTS

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 31, 2007, 06:27:27 pm

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story ?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your ass goodbye!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 31, 2007, 06:34:49 pm

A farmer was in the pub bragging about his pig. "That animal saved my life twice," he said. "Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank. Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids." The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal. One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg. "Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?" he asks. "Neither. An animal like that you don't eat all at once!"
:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 31, 2007, 06:38:03 pm

A young man graduated from University of Tasmania with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper which hired him was to write a human interest story.

Being from Tassie, he went back to the bush to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

He asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a search party and found it. We all rooted it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?" After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big search party that time and found her. After we all rooted her, we took her back home too."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly and said, "I got lost once..."
:*

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 31, 2007, 07:02:59 pm

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 01, 2007, 04:28:10 pm

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a Bridge only to find a motorcycle cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in
Wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
Patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum
stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
To two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I
Work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
But surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked

"You give him a motorcycle, a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard! :*

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 01, 2007, 05:09:02 pm

Micheal Jackson is at the Neverland ranch with several young boys, and is frolicing in the hot tub with the group, when all of a sudden some sperm floats to the surface of the water, and Micheal says " OK, which one of you fellas farted".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 01, 2007, 05:10:36 pm

I was out driving the other day and I ran into the back of another car. This little dwarf gets out, stomps up to my car and says "I aint happy!". So I said "I don't give a censored A, just tell me which one you are!?"

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 01, 2007, 05:12:38 pm

One day, long, long ago there was this girl who surprisingly, wasn't a headcase... but this was a long time ago... and it was just ONE day! The End.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 01, 2007, 07:56:32 pm

Story Time

Once upon a boy, there was a girl.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 01, 2007, 10:36:37 pm

The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona ,and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you crazy? She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on August 03, 2007, 01:24:05 pm

Time to Bag Out old guys...(This could be us in a few years)

Two old guys from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said "Johnno, I'm 83 years old and full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age, how do you feel?" Johnno says "I feel just like a new born baby."
"Really!? Like a new born baby?"
"Yep" says Johnno "No hair, no teeth and I think I just Sh@t myself." :w

A little old man shuffled painfully and slowly into an icecream parlour and struggled painfully onto a stool at the counter.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly "Cruhed Nuts?"
"No" he replied, "Arthritis" :+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 03, 2007, 07:06:45 pm

A 70-year-old mustang owner goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically like your fastback is, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the fridge again !''

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 03, 2007, 07:18:50 pm

OK what about...

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be
very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr.Wallace, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas,
when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part
back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 04, 2007, 01:26:12 pm

Someone else must have some old man jokes...?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 04, 2007, 07:52:25 pm

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blond walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities."

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 04, 2007, 07:53:43 pm

Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach. Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods."

The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk."

The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you, Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"

After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?" The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 04, 2007, 08:10:29 pm

A survey was conducted with a thousand men to try and establish why men like blow jobs so much.

5% said that they like the feel of their person in a womans moist mouth

20% said that they like the domination they have over their woman

and 75% said that they like the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 04, 2007, 08:41:46 pm

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
--
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins?" The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 04, 2007, 08:43:51 pm

An older couple decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it. Leave me alone. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake." Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 04, 2007, 10:07:18 pm

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 05, 2007, 06:10:53 pm

A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW roars towards him. The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss suit, Gucci shoes, and Ray Bans, leans out and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?". The shepherd looks at the city slicker, then at his field full of grazing sheep and calmly answers, "Sure."

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook and connects it to a cell phone, then surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, and then opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sends an email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?". "OK, why not?" answers the young man. "Clearly, you are a management consultant" says the shepherd. "That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 05, 2007, 09:37:47 pm

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 06, 2007, 10:38:49 pm

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ron on August 07, 2007, 11:56:00 am

Quote

Originally posted by jmd1
Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

:w:(

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 07, 2007, 03:53:39 pm

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy sh it! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Sh it! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 07, 2007, 04:53:18 pm

I dialled a wrong number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 07, 2007, 04:55:13 pm

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches. That fish will jump for the fly and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time ~ "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps for that fly and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich. Then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly. The bear grabs the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich. The cat jumps for the mouse. The mouse ducks. The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story: Whenever a fly goes down three inches some pussy is in serious danger.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 07, 2007, 05:09:18 pm

Glad you enjoyed the nun joke Ron.
Must be time for someone else to jump on to this thread.
Still plenty left in the vault.
Are you interested in showing up on September 9th at Mt Gravatt? Should be a good day for eye candy.
:(

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 07, 2007, 05:19:58 pm

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "You wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 07, 2007, 05:24:58 pm

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: nassi on August 07, 2007, 06:41:03 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy sh it! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Sh it! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

:w:w:*:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 07, 2007, 08:42:28 pm

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....

'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shi tting in the bed!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 07, 2007, 08:59:16 pm

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 07, 2007, 09:01:03 pm

They just keep getting better:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 07, 2007, 09:02:32 pm

THINGS TO PONDER

- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What disease did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when asking where the bathroom is?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
- If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on August 08, 2007, 09:47:44 am

Four Nuns went to confession. The first one goes nto the confessional and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been a week since my last confession and in the course of my nursing duties, my finger accidentally touched male genitalia. The Priest said "That is a grave sin, sister. To receive absolution you must say 5 our Fathers and 5 hail Mary's and bathe your finger in holy water." The Nun replied "Thank you father, I'll do it now" and off she went. Whwn she got outside, the other three gathered around and asked her what acts of contrition she had to perform. "5 of each and wash it in Holy Water" was her answer. The second Nun went into the confessional and said "Forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been a week since my last confession and during the week my hand came into contact with male reproductive organs." "Sister" said the Priest "That is a sin of the gravest order. To receive absolution you must say 10 Our Fathers and 10 Hail Marys and wash your hand in Holy Water."
"Thank you Father" she replied and left the confessional. The others gathered around and asked her punisment. "10 of each and wash it in Holy Water." The third Nun got up to go in when the fourth grabbed her and asked "Do you mind if I go first, as I don't fancy having to gargle the Holy Water after you've been squatting in it."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 08, 2007, 10:18:16 am

Quote

Originally posted by jmd1
THINGS TO PONDER

- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What disease did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when asking where the bathroom is?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
- If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Who do you think you are? MY MRS?
You ask too many Question!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 08, 2007, 06:25:06 pm

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
"She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ron on August 08, 2007, 06:58:00 pm

There are 3 types of orgasms... the Postive... the Religous and the Fake. The Positive goes, OH YES OH YES OH YES... the Religous goes OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD and the Fake goes ....... OH HEVEN OH HEVEN OH HEVEN* . Just kidding HEV :w:w:w:w:w * can of course be substituted with any name:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 08, 2007, 07:24:44 pm

Which one does HEV. have?> :+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 08, 2007, 08:08:53 pm

Your three seconds is up....Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Oh let us sleep!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 08, 2007, 09:13:21 pm

While on the religion theme, how about?

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!" "Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior."? Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine!? For shame!? You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!" Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 09, 2007, 01:21:56 pm

A man who just died is delivered to a country mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?' To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.
'Dere's no charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am, Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing'.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So, I just switched the heads.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 09, 2007, 04:19:37 pm

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in,
it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?
You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!
Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 09, 2007, 06:19:52 pm

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my nuts inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my boys unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink!"

The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. Steve stood up on the bar, dropped his daks, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and he removed his balls unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up... "I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the bloody beer bottle!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ron on August 09, 2007, 07:08:33 pm

2 nuns were driving through Transylvania in their 66 coupe. They screech to a sudden halt when a little vampire jumps out in front of them. One nun says to the other.. "honk the horn and try to scare it away". The nun honks, but the vampire hisses and stands his ground. Then she says, " Ok get out and show him your cross". So the 2nd nun gets out and yells, "GET OFF THE ROAD YOU LITTLE SH1T!!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ron on August 09, 2007, 07:24:55 pm

Guy walks into a bar. He's absolutely handsome but the only problem is, his head is the size of an orange. He sits down and orders a drink but the bartenders curiuosity gets the better of him and asks, " what's the story with your head?". The guy says 'well it's a long story... one day I was walking along the beach when I found this funny bottle. I gave it a rub and out popped this gorgeous genie. She says, Master you have 3 wishes choose wisely. OK first wish, I want to be handsome. Genie rolls her eyes and says your wish is my command... POOOF he turns absolutely beautiful. You have 2 more wishes, choose wisely. OK I want to be rich, Genie shakes her head and says your wish is my command... POOOF money is magically flowing out of his pockets. Master you have 1 more wish. Gee you are so beautiful I'd like to make love to you. I'm afraid I grant that wish says the Genie. Then how about a little head then......

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 09, 2007, 07:44:07 pm

A young woman in Cheboygan was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Straits. She went to the Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome
young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Mackinaw Island Ferry."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 09, 2007, 10:22:50 pm

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that is has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 09, 2007, 10:28:12 pm

A Cocker Spaniel, a Poodle and a Great Dane found themselves in the waiting room at the veterinary office.
Spaniel to the Poodle: "Why are you in here?"
Poodle: "Well, I peed in the house one too many times, and my owners have decided it was time to put me to sleep.
Why are you here?"
Spaniel: "I've got a very bad temper, and I the other day I bit two of the neighbor's kids. So, my owners are having me put to sleep too." He turns to the Great Dane and asks, "Why are you here?"
Great Dane: "Well my owner is a beautiful blonde who walks around the house all day in the nude. Yesterday I couldn't take it any more and when she was on her knees doing something on the floor, I mounted her."
Spanial: "So, why are you here?"
Great Dane: "I have to get my nails clipped."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 09, 2007, 10:35:23 pm

A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the tore, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she pulls out the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

"Take a shower. Splash on some nice perfume. Slip into a very sexy nightie. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training."

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me you little bastard! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 09, 2007, 10:42:25 pm

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 09, 2007, 11:03:17 pm

Jeff and Dale, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Jeff stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Jeff immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into The Worlds Best beer. The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Dale looked disgustedly at Jeff whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Dale said, "Nice going Jeff! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 10, 2007, 04:53:51 pm

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on the couch. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the cricket with my son-in-law!"

:(:2

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 10, 2007, 04:58:11 pm

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "Okay, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." "How much was the sale for?" "124, 237.64. pounds."

The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237.64 POUNDS?! What the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat."

"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me a guy came In here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "No no no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said... Well, since your weekend's f...ed, you might as well go fishing!!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 10, 2007, 07:21:53 pm

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 11, 2007, 07:27:34 pm

Did you hear about the magician who went into a gay bar and disappeared with a 'Poof'?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 11, 2007, 08:09:38 pm

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress.
One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore.
For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 11, 2007, 10:09:24 pm

That one was a bloody beaut.
;_

Will have to research hard to do better.
Come on guy's everyone has a joke to tell.

;3:2:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 11, 2007, 10:15:49 pm

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg. So he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel and note:

"Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a f..king toffee apple."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 11, 2007, 10:31:55 pm

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?". The man replied "I can't piss out of it..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 11, 2007, 11:31:29 pm

Snoring Problem

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you"?
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night, it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. His hair was all standing up and his eyes were all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player. A man's man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened"?
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight. He sat up and watched me all night long."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 12, 2007, 08:46:46 pm

There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and an Australian. All are at the urinals. The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink and uses a lot of soap and water and before he leaves. He says to the others, "In Yorkshire, I learned to be clean and neat." The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink and uses much less soap and water but is still very clean. He says, "At Bredford Academy, I learned to be clean and neat but still be environmentally aware." The third man zips up and heads straight to the door. The Aussie says over his shoulder, "In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on August 13, 2007, 12:59:25 pm

Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a bench under a tree in a park watching all the young, buxom, scantily clad female joggers bouncing past. After a while one turns to the other and says "Do you remember, when we were in the army in africa in World War two and they used to put bromide in our meals so we wouldn't have wicked thoughts?" "yes, why?" replied his mate "Well, I think it's starting to work"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 13, 2007, 04:49:53 pm

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got
into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this... When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then
pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 13, 2007, 05:49:47 pm

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit jacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 14, 2007, 06:23:06 pm

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One asked the other, "How's your wife?" The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!" The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she's dead?" The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 14, 2007, 07:11:04 pm

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 14, 2007, 08:56:46 pm

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 15, 2007, 09:16:19 am

Subject: Fw: Australian Tax office

At the end of the tax year, the Australian Tax Office sent an Inspector

To audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I

Notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle

Drippings?"

Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to

The candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of

Candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his

Unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit

Purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the

Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an

Unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the

Manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy

Biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster

The know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with

All the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here,

Too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all

The foreskins and send them to the Australian Tax Office, and about once

A year they send us a complete prick ".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 15, 2007, 10:02:52 am

"Mum? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't understand." "What words, dear?" "Pussy and bitch." Mum inhaled sharply, but then said, "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Mittens. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy." "Thanks, Mum." He then found his Dad out in the garage. "Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand." "What words, son?" "Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meaning." Dad said, "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this... " He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centrefold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said, "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy." "Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?" Dad replied, "Everything outside the circle!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 15, 2007, 10:09:10 am

Sorry didn't think the word b.tch was that bad.
:*;]

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 15, 2007, 04:24:24 pm

JMD1.. you'll have the censors onto you over that one..

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 15, 2007, 04:29:49 pm

John Howard and Kevin Rudd somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kevin in his chair, reached for the aftershave.

RUDD was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife is really switched on with business sense and will smell that odur and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to John and said, "How about you Mr. HOWARD"?
John replied, "Ah………. Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 15, 2007, 05:13:30 pm

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 15, 2007, 05:15:07 pm

MAC1
Maybe bringing that one out may save my butt.
:+ :+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 15, 2007, 05:25:18 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
JMD1.. you'll have the censors onto you over that one..

Bloody trouble makers! Now look what ya done...Youll need at least 6 more to make a clean gettaway!:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 15, 2007, 05:28:34 pm

Bloody trouble makers! Now look what ya done...Youll need at least 6 more to make a clean gettaway!

6 more what b.tch jokes or church one's
:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 15, 2007, 05:42:12 pm

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard... but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.

“I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to VCAT for a decision.”

“Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.”

“To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, you’re not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Bless me oh censor. :::(:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 15, 2007, 08:34:22 pm

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted like iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes. "... don't tell me you've bought a Mustang."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on August 16, 2007, 11:21:27 am

What's got 6 legs and 15 balls and if it fell out of a tree and landed on you would certainly kill you?

A Snooker table!:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 16, 2007, 04:18:24 pm

The wise old Mother Superior from the convent in Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They
gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then, one nun took
the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey
received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous
amount into the warm milk.
She returned to the Mother Superior's bed and held the glass to her
pale, bloodless lips. Mother took a little sip, then a little more. Before
they knew it, she'd drank the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nun asked in earnest, "Please give us a word of wisdom
before you leave us to go to your well-deserved reward."

The stricken Mother painfully raised herself up in bed and with a pious
look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 16, 2007, 04:24:16 pm

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel and lets get the hell out of here!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 16, 2007, 05:46:36 pm

WTF
Hey come on Mac it's supposed to be me that is in the muck
Jeez now I will really have to look for the Mother siperior gags.
Life just becomes more difficult each day.
:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 16, 2007, 05:50:02 pm

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: number one, you have to be single and number two, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 16, 2007, 05:59:35 pm

2 to go! Cummon!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 16, 2007, 07:06:03 pm

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 16, 2007, 07:52:37 pm

A plane crashed in the ocean and ther was only one survivor.
His name was JIM and he was on this island for about 2 years.
Then one day this beautifull girl walks out from the surf, Jim cant beleive his eyes, she says to him hi Jim, how longs it been since you had a cigarette?
Ooooh 2 years! he says, then she pulls a packet of fags out of her wetsuit and lites one up for jim. This is fantastic he exclaims.
How longs it been since you had a Bourbon?
Ooooh 2 years, he says, she then pulls a small glass and a bottle or Bourbon from her wetsuit and pours one for Jim! This is wonderful he shouts!
How longs it been since you played around? she says to Jim? At this point Jim cant beleive this is really happening, he pinches himself to make sure this isnt a dream, Jim then says to her " Dont tell me you gotta set of Golf clubs in there too!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 16, 2007, 08:34:50 pm

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't p i ss out of it," he replied.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 17, 2007, 02:46:56 pm

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that faggot shit in our garden."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 17, 2007, 02:53:31 pm

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass."

"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that.'"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 17, 2007, 04:58:05 pm

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man. The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

Grandma's minister fainted.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 17, 2007, 06:33:07 pm

Heven, watch out for this one..!!!

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 17, 2007, 06:38:24 pm

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 17, 2007, 06:50:11 pm

It was entertainment night at the old folks home. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. "SHIT" said the Hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the mess.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 17, 2007, 07:05:03 pm

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then
she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I
>could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 17, 2007, 08:46:20 pm

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 17, 2007, 08:50:20 pm

SHIT

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head... Well, Shit Happens!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 17, 2007, 08:51:04 pm

sh.t

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 17, 2007, 09:04:28 pm

Oh yes it all makes sence....Your in trouble!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 17, 2007, 09:11:09 pm

Heven
Is that trouble with a capital T or a Sh.t I'm done for?
:+ ;3

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 17, 2007, 09:11:26 pm

JMD1.. Ooooooh, boy ...you're in trouble..

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 17, 2007, 09:14:58 pm

Maybe another pious gags may be enough to haul my bum out of the sh.te.. oops must be carefull.
:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 17, 2007, 09:40:47 pm

OK.. lets see your best

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 17, 2007, 09:42:33 pm

The Norwegian Volunteer Fire Dept.

One dark night outside a small town near Poulsbo,Washington, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 18, 2007, 10:36:45 am

A guy is driving around Sydney and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told ASIO about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the Melbourne airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters & listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 18, 2007, 08:28:27 pm

Four men were bragging about how smart their Cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat: "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said: "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said: "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the government employee And said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said: "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, sh.t on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 18, 2007, 08:48:50 pm

FOR THOSE WHO REED AND RIGHT

- We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox becomes oxen not oxes.
- One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
- You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
- If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
- If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
- If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
- Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
- We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.
- Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
- Let's face! it! - English is a crazy language.
- There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
- English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted.
- But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
- And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
- Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
- If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
- If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
- If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
- Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
- In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
- Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
- Have noses that run and feet that smell?
- How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
- You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
- If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 18, 2007, 10:57:52 pm

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for gonorhea. We can't tell which your husband is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" asked Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 19, 2007, 03:51:29 pm

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file". Whose funeral is it? The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife".

"What happened to her?" The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?". The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Join the queue."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 19, 2007, 06:22:25 pm

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new 500 GT Mustang in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Mustang, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his GT, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"
he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

"MY ROLEX!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 19, 2007, 08:40:33 pm

Here's a warning I want to pass on about Bunnings: I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss yesterday on the way home from work. I walked into Bunnings and some old guy dressed in a red polo shirt and an apron asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. Take care and keep your wits about you, especially at Bunnings.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 19, 2007, 08:52:05 pm

A grandson came to visit his grandparents and noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out in the wind for all to see!" he exclaimed. Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. Grandpa looked at him and said, "Last week I sat here with no shirt on and got a stiff neck. This is grandma's idea..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 20, 2007, 04:20:42 pm

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,
"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 20, 2007, 07:14:26 pm

A cop stops a car for travelling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man for his name. "Frank" he replies. "Frank what?" the officer asks. "Just Frank," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So the officer presses him for a last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Frank, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me!" "I was born Frank Dingaling, I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realised that I wanted to be a doctor. I went though college, medical school, internship, and residency finally got my degree, so I was Frank Dingaling MD."

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so I was Frank Dingaling, MD. DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Frank Dingaling, MD. DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Frank Dingaling. MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Frank Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Frank."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 20, 2007, 08:33:12 pm

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,

"HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR -OLD GAL.

NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 MUSTANG, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR,SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?

THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on August 21, 2007, 03:56:44 pm

What do Gays and Bungee Jumpers have in common?

If thr Rubber Breaks, They're in the Sh@t.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 21, 2007, 04:34:46 pm

MAC 1
This might be appropriatte if you have been married as long as the last post you placed.
:+
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting in a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well", said the little old man, "for old time's sake, let's go there again, and I'll give you one from behind."

Without them knowing, the young man sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and smiled to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it.

He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, the little old lady reaches for the fence. What follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the young man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second.

Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years time!"

By this time the two old pensioners have recovered and dressed themselves.

Plucking up courage, the young man approaches the pensioners. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f.cking fence wasn't electrified!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 21, 2007, 06:31:05 pm

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 22, 2007, 04:34:53 pm

This is quickley becoming the joke of the day slot.

Smart Ass Answers

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked
John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure
gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see
your ticket, not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that Reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it,
no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 22, 2007, 04:37:54 pm

JMD1.. nup, mine didn't last as long as that with material available and bad jokes.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 22, 2007, 10:12:46 pm

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his or her own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.

One button at a time... no one moves... he removes his shirt... muscles ripple across his chest... she gasps... he whispers... "Iron this... then get me a beer."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 23, 2007, 03:52:49 pm

A jumbo jet is just making its final approach to Sydney International Airport.
The pilot comes on the intercom,

"This is your Captain speaking. We're on our final descent into Sydney, the bridge is on our left and welcome to everyone to Australia. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay here in Sydney for new visitors and those catching ongoing flights to Melbourne can proceed to gate 7."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, we have a layover... whatcha gonna do in Sydney?"
Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner. Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag, and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says:

"No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 23, 2007, 07:17:42 pm

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: FST68 on August 24, 2007, 02:54:33 pm

A boy goes over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and #########

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 24, 2007, 04:29:33 pm

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 24, 2007, 09:02:13 pm

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe "Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true Father?" "Yes, it is, Sister." "Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 25, 2007, 11:03:53 am

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind began talk about their kids and their successes.
The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travel agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion, specially for his friend.
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons.
The fourth friend who earlier had gone to the restroom returned and asked:
What's going on? What are all the congratulations for?
One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.
And then he asked, What about your son?
The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.
The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.
The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too.
Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 25, 2007, 12:29:11 pm

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 25, 2007, 01:17:24 pm

Q: What did the ballerina wear after half her body was eaten by a shark?

: A one-one.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who had his left side bitten off by a shark?

: He was all right.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 25, 2007, 03:58:35 pm

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. "Sir, there's no money in that account...?" "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 25, 2007, 05:33:20 pm

Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And Bill comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 25, 2007, 06:04:57 pm

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 25, 2007, 07:25:49 pm

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry : "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks : "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 25, 2007, 07:35:21 pm

HI Im back!
But I guess not one knew I was gone!
Boy have you guys been busy or what?
But i gotta stop reading then as Im having trouble cause of the tears!:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 25, 2007, 08:18:45 pm

How was the snow?>

farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
Have a nice day.....

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 25, 2007, 09:00:34 pm

Welcome back Heven you're wit has been missed.

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere." I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again." "You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 25, 2007, 09:30:27 pm

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer to wake yourself up.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools, WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 26, 2007, 06:22:49 pm

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 26, 2007, 08:25:50 pm

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."

A week later, his second born son approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse "as soon as that tractor is paid for."

A few days later son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."

ORSM

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 26, 2007, 08:30:03 pm

A guy gets a job in a zoo. The first job he's given is to feed the exotic and expensive fish in the aquarium. Upon feeding them, one jumps forward and nips the end of his finger. Totally shocked by this event, he reaches down and picks up a shovel propped against the wall and twat's the fish with it killing it instantly.

Remorse sets in when he realises what he's done and that he'd be sacked instantly. He looks around and sees nobody has seen what he's done, so he thinks to himself, lions will eat anything so he throws the fish into the lions den.

The next job the guy is given is to go and clean out the monkey house. So he is cleaning out the bits of straw and paper when a couple of the monkeys take a dump and start throwing it at the guy. Well the guy goes ballistic and again he takes his shovel and twat's the two monkeys, killing them stone dead.

Realising the situation he's got himself into, he again looks around and nobody has seen him do it, so he again thinks the lions will eat anything, so he throws the monkeys into the lions den.

The next job the guy gets is to extract the honey from the hives of the rare South American bees. As he's extracting the honey, the bees begin to sting him. So he goes mental, takes the spade and completely mashes the hive to pieces. Now realising what deep shit he's in and the expense of what its going to cost to replace these bees, he again is aware that nobody has seen him do it. So he thinks to himself, the lions will eat anything, and once again throws the mashed hive into the lions den.

Later on in the day a new lion from another zoo is transferred and introduced to the other lions. On walking around the lion pen the new arrival asks one of the other lions what the food is like. The other lion says, "you wouldn't believe what we had today it was fish, chimps and mushy bees.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 26, 2007, 08:52:43 pm

Caution. I'd hate to see this happen to someone I knew.

Guys,

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as
I
have become a victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping at Westfield.
This happened to me at Westfield at Chatswood and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old girls
come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot.
They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windex, with their
boobs almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.
It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Westfield.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex
with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on
you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again
on
Saturday, and also yesterday and probably tonight...

You have been warned!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: FST68 on August 27, 2007, 08:13:46 am

A married couple walked into a Jamaican Sandals Shop.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in.
Dey make you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could Sandals make you into a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You Got dem on da wrong feet, Mon!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH"
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked: "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered: "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo mate."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, OK, so how
many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said: "One!"

The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or
30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The Aussie Answered "124,237.64 Pounds"

The manager choked and exclaimed: "124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did you
sell him?"

Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then
I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Toyota".

The manager, said that's incredible!

You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a boat and a 4x4?"

No, no, no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his girlfriend
and I said....."Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go
fishing."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that
thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner
near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Henry popped out in front of her and
shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag,
pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Henry nodded and said "On
your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh, good
grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 27, 2007, 04:22:04 pm

A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave - side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held in cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he got lost and being like some of the rest of us did not stop and ask for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers that he wouldn't hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. And the preacher began.
As he preached, some of the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and "Alleluia". Well, it kind of got him going and sort of got wound up and he preached like he'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. He closed the lengthy service with a prayer, closed his bible and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another," I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 27, 2007, 07:13:11 pm

A manager had to hire someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning. "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And, now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmmm... let me see. "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of". The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Rudy, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Rudy replied, "After hearing the previous three Answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA!". "WHAT?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure", said Rudy. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh.t my pants."

Rudy got the job.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 28, 2007, 04:41:27 pm

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class:

'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 28, 2007, 08:58:22 pm

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together.
Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, 'My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two Weeks,' and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, 'Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,' and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, 'Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis.'
After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, 'Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera we're going to my parent's house for two weeks.'
The second woman says, 'Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus.'
'Well,' the third woman says, 'I've got a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 29, 2007, 09:26:36 pm

John and his date were parked on a secluded dirt road and started to make out hot and heavy. The chick stopped and said, "I really should have told you this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." John pulled a twenty out of his billfold and proceeded to have his way with her. After a cigarette, John just sat in the driver's seat starring out the window. The chick asked him, "Why aren't we going anywhere?" John replied, Well, I really should have told you this earlier." "I am actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $35."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 30, 2007, 02:54:36 pm

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts
Her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: taxi_driver on August 30, 2007, 03:20:55 pm

^^^
Ha
Thought each bear was going to represent how many women he has slept with and what size they were
lol

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 30, 2007, 06:00:44 pm

As in Growlers?>

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 30, 2007, 06:24:32 pm

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 31, 2007, 06:58:15 am

Doctor said "You've got to stop masturbating". Guy says "Why?". Doctor said "Because I'm trying to examine you".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 31, 2007, 06:15:18 pm

THE 7 KINDS OF SEX

SMURF SEX: This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
KITCHEN SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
BEDROOM SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
HALLWAY SEX: This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "f..k you."
RELIGIOUS SEX: Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
COURTROOM SEX: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least...

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX: You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 31, 2007, 11:14:32 pm

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian

coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible

night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a

couple of policemen, an old Sarge and a young Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some

really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.

Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft

in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a

bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks,

"what's the good news.......??

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a

few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her,

so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four

or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind

and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young

Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over

there and pull her up again.....!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 31, 2007, 11:22:34 pm

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy "half" a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a$$hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Queensland, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Queensland," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but wh0res and rugby league players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Queensland!"

The boy replied, "No $h!t??? Who did she play for?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 01, 2007, 11:50:52 am

A elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,
"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?
"The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 01, 2007, 09:33:21 pm

At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.

Joe said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him, and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said, "Get into the confessional, which Joe did.

Then the priest asked him if he took any of the offering, and this time he said, "I can't hear you." Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."

This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."

By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe, trade places with me, and you can ask me a question."

So they traded places, and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair; is that true?" The priest answered, "By golly, you really can't hear in here!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 02, 2007, 02:21:30 pm

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.
The Englishman walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation.
While walking, the Scotsman sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing." The guards let him in also.
The Irishman is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 02, 2007, 06:28:35 pm

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on the desired event."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. "Okay," he says to the husband, "Let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly "You see that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 02, 2007, 10:19:07 pm

Bazza bougt a race horse, he named it "MY FACE ", I Said Hey Bazza whyd ya call it " my face"?
Well he said Imm gunna train it the be the champeen of the world and then I can sit in the stand and listen to all the Shelas shout "CUmmom..."MY FACE"..." "CUmmom..."MY FACE"...""CUmmom..."MY FACE"..."!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 02, 2007, 10:37:28 pm

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves. She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard" He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this sh,t but me."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 03, 2007, 10:58:05 am

TREATMENT PLAN

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, ½ box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 03, 2007, 04:16:26 pm

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 03, 2007, 07:09:55 pm

A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over. On approaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS.

He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. "Are you a nerd?" the bartender asks. "No, I'm a truck driver," he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.

While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. "What the hell did you do that for!?" asks the trucker. "Well," the bartender answers, "It's nerd season."

"Nerd season?" asks the trucker, confused. "Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season." So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.

A few miles down the highway the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part of the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's to hard. His trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.

While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, "STOP! STOP!"

"What?" the trucker asks, confused, "I thought it was nerd season?" "Well yeah," the officer answers, "but you can't bait 'em!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on September 03, 2007, 07:47:20 pm

A Blonde's First Cruise

DEAR DIARY... DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and makeup. I'm really excited.
_______________________________________________
DEAR DIARY... DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
_______________________________________________
DEAR DIARY... DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
_______________________________________________
DEAR DIARY... DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino... did OK... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
_______________________________________________
DEAR DIARY... DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside . The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't come to his cabin for the night, he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

_______________________________________________

DEAR DIARY... DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today... Twice!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on September 03, 2007, 08:24:03 pm

> >>A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
> >>
> >>The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
> >>making love to a very attractive young woman.
> >>
> >>And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.
> >>"How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
> >>children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !"
> >>And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I
> >>can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but
> >>they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
> >>
> >>And the husband began --
> >>
> >>"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady

> >>here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and
> >>defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I
> >>noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
> >>She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my
> >>compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made
> >>for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid

> >>you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
> >>Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while
> >>she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
> >>holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her

> >>the designer jeans
> >>that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say
> >>they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
> >>anniversary present,which you don't use because I don't have good
> >>taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Chris tmas
> >>that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those
> >>boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because
> >>someone at work has a pair the same."
> >>The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so
> >>grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the
> >>door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please do
> >>you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
> >>

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on September 03, 2007, 08:36:23 pm

> >> For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large
sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
> >>
> >> If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
> >> support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would
> >> know when the baby was born.
> >>
> >> To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
> >> write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child
> >> support payments to begin.
> >>
> >> One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
> >> "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
> >>
> >> "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife
> >> obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and
> >> fainted.
> >>
> >> On the card was written:
> >>
> >> "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
> >> Three with meatballs, two without.
> >> Send extra sauce."
> >>

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on September 03, 2007, 08:43:38 pm

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a
>>$2 coin.
>>Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad
>>realises the boy has swallowed the $2 coin and starts panicking,
>>shouting for
>>help.
>>
>>A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue
>>business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her
>>newspaper
>>and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she
>>looks
>>up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the
>>newspaper and
>>places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
>>unhurried,
>>across the market.
>>
>>Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's
>>testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more
>>firmly.
>>After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
>>money, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
>>
>>Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks
>>back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
>>
>>As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill
>>effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking
>>her saying,
>>"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
>>fantastic. Are
>>you a doctor?"
>>
>>"No," the woman replies. "I work for the Australian Tax Office."
>

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on September 03, 2007, 09:44:30 pm

1. What's the difference between an Accountant and a Rhinoceros?

One is a thick skinned, small brained animal that charges a lot and the other is an endangered species on the Serengeti

2. What do Accountants use for Birth Control?

Their personalities.

:w:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 04, 2007, 03:57:58 pm

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 04, 2007, 09:24:15 pm

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for her first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response. After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well. "How old are you?" No response. The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?" Immediately four tiny fingers went up. "Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?" Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked "Can you talk?" The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count a...hole?!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 05, 2007, 08:23:33 am

A man boarded an aeroplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever Seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best Stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 05, 2007, 04:44:37 pm

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.
So THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?
"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.
After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.. and HE'S the SOB who ran over my FROG!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 05, 2007, 09:46:49 pm

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ron on September 06, 2007, 10:36:54 am

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up... you're next!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 06, 2007, 02:19:40 pm

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away .. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 06, 2007, 04:31:42 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away .. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.

I really love that pussy

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 06, 2007, 04:31:54 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away .. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 06, 2007, 05:51:54 pm

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new Pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f-cking shoes on!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on September 06, 2007, 07:33:53 pm

A newly sacked and destitute businessman, down to his last $2 was walking despondently down a seedy business district street and saw a sign that said "Climb the ladder to success." Figuring he had little to lose, he went in and paid his Two bucks and was told to go up through the manhole into the attic. As he stepped off the ladder a big Buck Naked Negro stepped out of the shadows and said "Howdy, I'm Cess"!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 06, 2007, 10:18:13 pm

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight.
After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times, "the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once, " he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 09, 2007, 07:10:48 pm

Hev... I think i have see that one before..

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 09, 2007, 07:14:58 pm

Pussy cat that is..

Try..

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old
ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, wanted to stop but decided I'd better get my shopping done.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," she said. "They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 09, 2007, 09:58:15 pm

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother. "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut". Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?" Sally replied, "No... salty!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 10, 2007, 10:41:19 am

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car which read, "TWO PROSTITUTES... $150.00."
A policeman noticed the car, and quickly pulled them over. He approached the ladies and told them they'd have to remove the sign. Otherwise, they'd be arrested and taken to jail.
Just then, another car passed by with a sign which read, "JESUS SAVES."
The two ladies asked the policeman why he let the other car drive by without pulling them over.
"Well, that's a little different since it pertains to religion."
The two ladies were furious, but nonetheless they removed the sign and drove away.
The next day, the same policeman noticed the same two ladies riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car. He figured he had an easy bust, so he pulled them over once again.
As he approached the car, though, he noticed a new sign which now read, "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER... $150.00."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 10, 2007, 03:25:02 pm

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, "How much?" He doesn't hear her correctly and says "Come again?" She giggles and says "No... it's just mustard this time."
--

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 10, 2007, 04:10:35 pm

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" To that she replies "Well, come here and I?ll warm them between my legs." He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 10, 2007, 05:56:24 pm

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin' over a beer. Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and... she had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ... and I can't swim Dave! I can't swim!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 10, 2007, 09:23:10 pm

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
'The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 11, 2007, 06:42:33 pm

A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.

Once in the air the stewardess comes around, and the man asks her for a cup of coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks, "Bring me a whisky, birch."

The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot but forgets the coffee.

When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "Get me another whisky, brtch."

Quite upset, the stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee for the man.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, birch, now go and get it for me."

In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards arrive, grab both the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit, and toss them both out of the aeroplane. As they're falling toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're kind of a mouthy bastard."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 11, 2007, 08:19:53 pm

Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
desk.

7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you
get another dog?'

11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.

14 Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ron on September 11, 2007, 08:49:35 pm

Quote

Originally posted by jmd1

10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you
get another dog?'

Definetly written by a married man:(:w:i

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 11, 2007, 09:35:08 pm

3 minute management course

Lesson One!

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day he reached the second branch and, finally, after a fourth
night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid
there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson :
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep sh-it , it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the three minute management course.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 2+266 on September 11, 2007, 09:37:45 pm

pavarotti goes up to the pearly gates and meets st peter he then leeds him up to god and says `heres that bloody tenor i owe you

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 11, 2007, 09:54:15 pm

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?" The girl from New York said: "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, BITCH?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 11, 2007, 09:58:27 pm

Dam right Ron
Us old farts may be smooth up top but we hope we can still be smooth., as per you'r avatar.

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 11, 2007, 10:06:37 pm

Gates vs. GM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to
pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and
reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply
accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut
down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times
as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by
a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to
let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed
hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all
over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine OFF.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 11, 2007, 10:08:47 pm

A man was fishing.

He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the first drop and a 20lb Snapper on the second. On the third drop he had just scored his first ever King Terakihi when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital. He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her
life she will require 'round the clock care and you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .

The doctor snickered and said, "Just screwing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 11, 2007, 10:10:55 pm

i just read an article about the dangers of heavy drinking. the facts scared the sh*t out of me. THAT'S IT, i said to the missus. right now i'm going to give up reading.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 11, 2007, 10:13:53 pm

Too many jokes...too much input...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 11, 2007, 10:18:25 pm

Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty. No matter how much he tries, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming. but every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice voice say "Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last, and you are single. Just let it go". but then invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering "Dave you are a f:*:* king VET!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 11, 2007, 10:22:15 pm

"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?"
"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" asked his wife.
The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a cow."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 11, 2007, 10:26:52 pm

Tomorrow

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 11, 2007, 10:29:06 pm

As we age, our priorities change . The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and took the fastback for a blast.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 12, 2007, 07:01:32 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
As we age, our priorities change . The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and took the fastback for a blast.

Good choice!:p:p:p:p

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 12, 2007, 07:37:56 pm

THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh.t.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
9. Ahhh... I see the f.ck-up fairy has visited us again.
10. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a shite
11. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
12. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
13. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
14. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
15. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
16. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
17. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
18. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
19. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
20. Oh I get it... like humour... but different...?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 12, 2007, 07:40:48 pm

I will get past that bloody auto censor thing one day !
sh t sh.t sh.t
Worth a try.
:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 12, 2007, 09:46:02 pm

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence.............
"Well, fu kin stop doin it then!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 13, 2007, 09:15:56 am

Quote

Originally posted by jmd1
Dam right Ron
Us old farts may be smooth up top but we hope we can still be smooth., as per you'r avatar.

:+

Im not so smooth on top! But as RJ's stunt double im smoooooth where it counts!:-

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 13, 2007, 03:16:31 pm

Will just have to take you'r word on that Heven.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 13, 2007, 03:35:54 pm

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 13, 2007, 03:36:44 pm

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the di ck goes underneath the horse, not on top.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 13, 2007, 09:40:17 pm

An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War 2, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spamoni, and I am alive today because of it." "Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her." "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."

"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favours, which she did, repeatedly." "You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."

"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question." "And what is that?" "Should I tell her the war is over?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 13, 2007, 11:14:25 pm

Military Wisdom I

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 14, 2007, 05:08:21 pm

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 14, 2007, 06:16:56 pm

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No, I won't race my Mustang against your Monaro.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
&n bsp;
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 14, 2007, 07:19:01 pm

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... dad... I became a prostitute." "YE WHAT!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad - as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership in the country club... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says the dad interupting. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 14, 2007, 08:36:40 pm

Why, Why, Why

Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 16, 2007, 06:01:50 pm

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.

The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle. "Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks. "When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied. "Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.

"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 16, 2007, 06:57:17 pm

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
This one ougt to be in Nostalgia!....Off you go!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 16, 2007, 08:07:15 pm

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: nassi on September 16, 2007, 08:16:57 pm

Quote

Originally posted by jmd1
Man who run in front of car get tired.

or should that be tyred :+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 16, 2007, 08:22:58 pm

A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a farmer seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.

Reporter: "Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reason that causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?"

Farmer stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that the bull f.cks the cow once a year?"

Reporter (getting embarrassed):"Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?"

Farmer : "Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?"

Lady : "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Reporter: "I am getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your t.ts four times a day and only f.cking you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 16, 2007, 09:03:17 pm

almost goes with the territory eh?>

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 17, 2007, 08:30:47 pm

An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner Dura-Cell concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone had installed Mr. Bunny's batteries backwards; and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

Hey Ron careful also you'r stunt double;x:w:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 17, 2007, 08:42:38 pm

Quote

Originally posted by nassi
Quote
Originally posted by jmd1
Man who run in front of car get tired.

or should that be tyred :+

Very good Nassi.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 17, 2007, 09:30:06 pm

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask
him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on September 18, 2007, 09:27:20 am

What does a Mount Druitt girl use for protection during sex?

A Bus Shelter!:+:w:+:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 18, 2007, 07:25:46 pm

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on September 18, 2007, 09:26:03 pm

Quote

Originally posted by nassi
Quote
Originally posted by jmd1
Man who run in front of car get tired.

or should that be tyred :+

Man who run behind car get exhausted:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 18, 2007, 10:22:09 pm

A lady approaches a priest and says to him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female cocky's but they only know how to say one thing".

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, Hi, we're prostitutes. D'ya wanna have some fun?"

"That's terrible!!" exclaimed the priest, "but I have a solution to your problem.

Bring your two female cocky's over to my house and I will put them with my two male cocky's who I taught to pray and read the bible. My cocky's will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship instead."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day, the lady brought her female cocky's to the priest's house. His two male cocky's were holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady put her female cocky's in with the male cocky's and the females immediately said "Hi, we're prostitutes. D'ya wanna have some fun?" One male cocky looks at the other male cocky and exclaims "Put the f.ckin bible away - our f.ckin prayers have finally been answered".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 19, 2007, 12:29:38 pm

The Parrot and the Lady

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a Parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to Her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly angry now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, You are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said That she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure The parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the Parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 19, 2007, 04:24:28 pm

HEY RON THIS IS YOU.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said," I'm off, the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the door bell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..! ....." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you." Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start"? "Leave everything to me. I usually try in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles. I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my god!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look". "Four or five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too, the mother was constantly squealing and yelling- I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." "Mrs. Smith leaned forward "You mean they actually chewed on your um... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you are ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work." "Tripod???" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long... Madam?... Madam?... Good lord, she's fainted!"
;x

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 19, 2007, 04:39:29 pm

Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers

I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 19, 2007, 08:03:08 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers

I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/booger.jpg)

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/martinsbooger.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 19, 2007, 08:05:02 pm

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he is pulled over by the Police.

The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"

"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.

It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 19, 2007, 11:00:40 pm

A very elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking about Mustangs and then food, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 20, 2007, 07:52:14 pm

An elderly couple were celebrating their golden anniversary and were
out having a few drinks together.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

"We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back
fence and I made love to you for the first time".

"Oh Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and
we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but fun idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other
for support aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious/violent sex that
the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming, the old lady's fingers clawing/scratching
the old guys back. Finally, they both collapse, gasping/panting and trembling
on the ground.

Jesus, thinks the amazed cop. He thinks he has learned something
about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the
old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is
truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, the old lady with a glazed happy look,
and the old man wheezing & struggling to walk, he says to them,
"Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a
fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man's hoarse whisper barely able to be heard,
replies:
"Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electric!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 20, 2007, 08:03:47 pm

Where is Mr Jeremy.
He seems to be awol or is he busy on a movie shoot......:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 20, 2007, 10:10:27 pm

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just peed my diaper."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 20, 2007, 11:00:10 pm

ENOUGH WITH THE "OLD" JOKES, ALREADY!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 21, 2007, 11:13:36 am

Hev, you got to be able to laugh at yourself..!!
The Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. He's driving his '69 Fastback and she's driving a 2003 Volvo. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God."
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 21, 2007, 03:10:13 pm

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North Western University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Obviously wasn't the same elephant.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 21, 2007, 03:31:51 pm

JM...we've had that one.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 21, 2007, 03:33:51 pm

80-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.

She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what
's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says,

"Close enough."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 21, 2007, 03:37:57 pm

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure . I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
..........
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 21, 2007, 03:40:07 pm

It's getting hard to remember what has been put on before.:(

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 21, 2007, 03:43:01 pm

Let's see how this goes.

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and research. This assistant is a bit of a git and decides he'll play a prank on the old man, and suggests he research 'sheep shagging'.

The professor thinks this is a great idea and heads off to Wales to begin his research. He heads out to the countryside and finds a farmer to quiz about his unnatural habits. The professor greets him and asks if he's got time to answer a couple of quick questions.

"No problem boyo" says the farmer, "go right ahead. "Well," said the professor, "what I'd like to know first is, do you own any sheep here?" "Of course boyo, biggest farm for miles round here I have. We've got loads of 'em"

"Great, now the next question is a bit personal - do you use your sheep for sex?" "Ohh, too right boyo. There's three or four out there who are my particular favourites."

"So, how exactly do you .... do it?" "Well, normally I take them down to the river, I slap their back feet in my wellies, the sheep pushes back from the water, bloody heaven boyo"

The professor thanks him and heads for the airport. Having heard about the Aussies, he heads out to Australia. with exactly the same plan. He finds a farm, talks to the farmer and gets the same responses.

"Round up the sheep, head 'em up towards a cliff and off you go. Back feet in my boots, sheep pushing back from the cliff, bloody marvellous mate."

Again, the professor thanks him and decides that his research needs only one more addition. So he jets off to the world centre of sheep shagging,

Once in New Zealand, he drives out to the bush, finds the biggest farm he can and knocks on the farmhouse door. He repeats his questions to the farmer "Too right mate. Usually I stick their back legs in me wellies, front legs over me shoulders and away we go!"

"So the sheep faces you? That's strange - I've been talking to people around the world about this, and they all do it with the sheep facing away from them." The Kiwi is shocked. For a few seconds he can't speak, then he manages to stutter: "What? No kissing?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 21, 2007, 03:49:55 pm

The Donkey
A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink.

He then notices a Jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars.

The man say I can do it!

So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.

About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.

The bartender looks at the man and says if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars. The man says ok I'll do it!

He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes has goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, "How did you make the donkey laugh?"

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did".

"How did you make him cry?" ask the bartender?

Well I showed him.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 21, 2007, 04:48:55 pm

Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too." ...There's a pause...

The second Arab says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 21, 2007, 06:16:12 pm

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 21, 2007, 07:43:36 pm

This Chinese man moved into his new home in Australia. His Aussie neighbour, being the nice Aussie bloke that he was, decided to make him feel welcome. He went next door to wish him welcome.

He was shocked to see the Chinese man in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Chinese man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Chinese man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be a Chinese custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Chinese man. At his gate, he saw the Chinese man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt. He became angry and went up to the Chinese man. "I'm sorry sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Chinese customs!" He yelled in the Chinese man's face. The Chinese man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually Australian customs. I was told, to become an Australian, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 21, 2007, 07:49:48 pm

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 21, 2007, 08:05:17 pm

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You!!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 21, 2007, 09:00:53 pm

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.
Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything
quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 22, 2007, 06:25:55 pm

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy who still owned his 66 fatsback:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."

"Does she have her own teeth?"
I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 22, 2007, 08:57:10 pm

ITS A FACT>>>>>>>>>

Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN....against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 23, 2007, 10:11:17 am

The teacher asked, "Class use the word contagious in a sentence."
Molly put her hand up and said, My little sister has chickenpox and they are contagious.
The teacher said, "Very good Molly."
Sally raised her hand and said, "My little brother has the mumps and they are contagious".
The teacher said, "Very good Sally."
Little Johnny was jumping around in his seat, hand raise in the air, waving back and forth.
The teacher had been stung with Johnny's remarks before and was very reluctant to let him speak.
Unfortunately he was the only other child in the class with his hand up. So the teacher thought she better give him a chance.
"OK Johnny, give me a sentence with the word contagious in it"
Johnny was all excited that he was given a chance.
He said, "Teacher my dad was sitting in the lawn chair with his friend drinking beer. My mom was cutting the lawn.
Dad said to his friend "It's going to take that contagious to cut the lawn.

Johnny was expelled the next day.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 23, 2007, 06:06:10 pm

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with "Monday." "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon - day. Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" yelled Little Johnny and Mike. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humour she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." "Saturday." says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables."

Not wanting to be outdone, Johnny says, "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas - tur - ba - tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." Little Johnny replied, "No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only got two syllables."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 23, 2007, 09:09:35 pm

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 23, 2007, 10:16:48 pm

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of beer that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the beer aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the beer is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the beer, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered. I set the beer down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of beer sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy ALL DAY LONG, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 24, 2007, 02:05:19 pm

Take your links where ever you go with LINKSHELF.COM

The Nun and Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 24, 2007, 04:37:46 pm

A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the men’s room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men’s room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!" Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.

When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 25, 2007, 06:50:27 pm

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused, they did spreadsheets, hey wrote reports, they sent faxes, they sent e-mail, they sent out e-mail with attachments, they downloaded, they did some genealogy reports, they made cards, they did every known job.

Ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 25, 2007, 07:03:50 pm

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 25, 2007, 07:11:26 pm

Three guys at a classy golf course are waiting for their friend to show up in order to complete their foursome. After waiting several minutes and at risk of losing their tee time, the three notice an oddball standing by the clubhouse all by himself, carrying a bag of clubs. The three of them look at each other, shrug their shoulders and figure, "Why not?"

They ask the stranger if he would like to play with them, and with a thick Italian accent, he agrees. While playing on a green, one guy asks, "So, what do you do for a living?" The Italian guy responds, "I'm a hit man." Not believing the guy, they begin to laugh.

"No, I'm not kidding," he replies, "take a look at my sniper rifle here in my bag, it costs $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The three golfers begin admiring the rifle and the huge scope that is on top. The first guy jokingly says, "I bet I can see my house from here with that thing!"

As a friendly gesture, the hit man hands him the gun and says "Here, take a look." The first guy takes the gun and looks toward his house through the scope, just past the next hole.

"Hey!" he yells while looking through the scope, "My wife is naked with the neighbour and they are kissing!" He asks the hit man, "How much for you to pull the trigger?", the hit man replies, "$1000."

The guy then yells, "Okay, I'll give you $2000; I want you to shoot my neighbour in his penis for obvious reasons and I want you to shoot my wife in her mouth for always nagging me!"

With that, the hit man takes his rifle, loads it, and takes aim toward the guy's house. He is sitting there for a long time, just looking through the scope. The guy yells, "What the hell are you waiting for?" The hit man says, "Hold on here, I'm about to save you a thousand dollars!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 25, 2007, 07:14:52 pm

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home after being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband awakes from his stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 25, 2007, 07:21:08 pm

John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club. One evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Riley won the contest with the following:

"Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When John O'Riley staggered home that night his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening." His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in Church wi'f me wife."

His wife said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting. He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the meeting last evening. He won first prize".

"Yes, I know," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 25, 2007, 07:25:53 pm

Six Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 25, 2007, 08:26:22 pm

It was a sunny Friday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone, cupped my hands and shouted back, "Would the c.nt in the clubhouse kindly shut the f.ck up and let me play my second shot?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 25, 2007, 08:50:56 pm

Naked Bikers

Hello,

Help!

"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 26, 2007, 04:50:00 pm

A husband is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts; "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a General Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break." "I'm not a bloody carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I've got Mitre 10 written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you... I'm going to the pub!!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about the way he treated his wife, and decided to go home and help out. As he walks in the door, he notices that the steps are already fixed and the light is no longer flickering. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and he notices that the fridge door is also fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" he asked. She replied, "HELLO!!!..... Do you see Sarah Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 26, 2007, 04:54:57 pm

Two Lawyers

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.
And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I
can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked blonde woman floating face up... headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, and totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes she was alive. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know , screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 26, 2007, 06:00:42 pm

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again." JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F.CKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARH.LE!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 26, 2007, 08:17:35 pm

Where do Bees go to the Toilet?

At a BP Station.

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
Buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
Upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on
his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could d on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Brigid staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"
Paddy said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly...
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 26, 2007, 08:25:51 pm

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needed to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a wh0re," she says.
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a wh0re/call girl?"
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
"Good enough."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 26, 2007, 11:00:50 pm

For Us Old Farts.,
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 27, 2007, 06:43:17 pm

Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK." says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shite! THAT'S the word!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 27, 2007, 11:54:00 pm

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 28, 2007, 08:12:08 pm

TERROR THREAT

Beware, I got this today and the warning is genuine...

Yesterday, a friend was traveling on a London to Sydney flight. A man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to.... with a word of advice for you: Stay away from Melbourne".

My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist attack?" she asked him. "No," he whispered back... "It's just a real sit hole."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 29, 2007, 06:54:00 pm

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $1000. Then the National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!" "Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know that I've got Yellow 24." "F.ck me," says the bingo caller, "Yellow 24…?!! You've won the raffle as well!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on September 30, 2007, 03:37:04 pm

Two statues, one male, the other female and both naked, stood in the city park, facing each other across a path, for 100 years.
On the 100th anniversary, an Angel descends from heaven and rewards their patience with a single hour of mortal life and says to the statues.."For your eternal patience you,ve been granted a single hour of life to do what you will, with no questions or explanations."

Without a word, they take hold of each other's hand and go behind some bushes. after a short while lots of giggling is heard by the Angel. After a half hour, the couple emerge from the bushes looking VERY smug.

The Angel reminds them they still have a half hour to go, if the'd like to continue what was obviously something very pleasurable.

The male statue looks at the female and says..."D'ya wanna?"

"Yes!!!" is the eager reply "only this time YOU hold the pigeons down while I shlt on their heads!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 30, 2007, 07:31:46 pm

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Moral: Pay your bills!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 30, 2007, 09:43:17 pm

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbour's' dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this".
He goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is
still barking. What have you been doing?"

Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Lets see how THEY like it!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 01, 2007, 03:34:03 pm

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking but only had $2.00 between
them. Larry said, "Hang on I've got an idea." He went next door to the
butcher's and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage. Bob said, "Are you
crazy? Now we don't have any money left!" Larry replied, "Don't worry -
just follow me." They went into the pub where Larry ordered two double
shots of Jack Daniels. Bob said, "You've lost it! We haven't got any
money to pay for this!" Larry replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I
have a plan. Cheers!" and with that they downed their drinks.
Larry said "OK Bob. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get
on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, bar after bar, getting drunker and drunker - all
for free.
At the tenth bar Bob said, "Larry -
I don't think I can do this anymore.
My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"
Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third
bar!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 01, 2007, 03:46:33 pm

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury or illness or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses." A smart-arse in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When the silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 01, 2007, 05:07:55 pm

JM..had that one..

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 01, 2007, 05:13:24 pm

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband one morning. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking
too many at once. Too MANY! Turn them over. Turn them over NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! Where are we going to get more BUTTER!?
Great! Now they're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them over! Hurry UP! Are you crazy? Have you lost your MIND? Don't forget to salt them. You KNOW you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. The SALT! Use the SALT!"
His wife just stared at him. "What in the hell is the matter with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I'm driving my Mustang."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 01, 2007, 07:11:52 pm

Mac Been there done that as I have said in the past it is getting harder to remember and sorry mate but that last one of mine was a newy I checked.quote]Originally posted by Mac1
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband one morning. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking
too many at once. Too MANY! Turn them over. Turn them over NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! Where are we going to get more BUTTER!?
Great! Now they're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them over! Hurry UP! Are you crazy? Have you lost your MIND? Don't forget to salt them. You KNOW you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. The SALT! Use the SALT!"
His wife just stared at him. "What in the hell is the matter with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I'm driving my Mustang." [/quote]

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 01, 2007, 11:08:36 pm

THis is a funny place.

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 02, 2007, 07:21:37 pm

A garbo is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into the back of the rubbish truck. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually an Aboriginal bloke answers... "Hey what's up, cuz?", says the Aboriginal. "Where's your bin, mate?" asks the garbo "I bin on da toilet" replies the Aboriginal guy, looking perplexed.

Realising the Aboriginal fellow has misunderstood, the garbo smiles and says "No no mate, where's ya dust bin?" "I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Aboriginal man.

"Mate!" says the garbo... "No no no! You're misunderstanding me... where's your WHEELIE BIN!?" "OK! OK!" says the Aboriginal bloke, "I wheelie bin having a wank!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 02, 2007, 11:48:41 pm

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 03, 2007, 03:29:17 pm

An old lady walked into a Grocery Store.
She wanted to buy the best dog food in the world for her little
puppy.
She went up to the cash register to buy the food.
The saleslady told her that the store did not allow old ladies to buy
animal food unless they show the actual animal because a lot of old ladies
like to eat the animal food themselves.
So, the old lady went home, got her dog and went back to the store to buy
her dog food.
The next day she came back to buy the best cat food around.
But the Sales lady told her the same thing, so the old lady went back home
and brought her cat to the Grocery Store to buy the cat food.
The next day the old lady went to the Grocery Store again carrying a
big container.
She went up to the the sales lady and said, " Put your hand inside here
The Saleslady shook her head. " NO " , she said, " there is probably
something in there that will bite me! " .
"I promise you there is nothing in here that will bite you," the old
lady said
So the Saleslady stuck her hand inside the container and screamed.
She pulled her hand out and it was covered in crap.."what the hell is this?"
I want a roll if dunny paper please but I figered youd want proof!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 03, 2007, 06:26:23 pm

Two buddies, Arthur and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Arthur throws up all over himself. "Oh, no," he cries. "Judy will kill me!" Steve says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell her that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry-cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Arthur rolls into home and Judy screams, "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!" Arthur says, "I can e'splain everythin! Ish not what you think. I only had a cupla drinks. But thish other guy got sick on me... he had one too many and he jush couldn't hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars." "Oh, yeah, I almos' forgot," says Arthur. "He pooed in my pants, too."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 03, 2007, 06:45:22 pm

Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Johnny is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Johnny got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head "No". "Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Johnny looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 03, 2007, 10:30:13 pm

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on October 04, 2007, 08:29:14 pm

If two Bonnyrig boys are riding in a car and there is NO music playing, Who is driving?

A Police Officer!!!:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 04, 2007, 10:32:40 pm

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dyn4mic on October 04, 2007, 11:17:32 pm

;} u told that one already HEVEN that or sumone else told it :P

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 05, 2007, 12:37:21 am

Will try to get Hev out of the bar with this one.

Mad Cow Disease

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"
The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 05, 2007, 08:58:09 am

Me being enviroMENTALy freindly, am recycling:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 05, 2007, 09:57:35 am

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging! his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh it out of a ghost".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 05, 2007, 07:36:28 pm

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

'Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off' said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase 'To be or not to be. That is The question,' asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.
'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard,'
Said
Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher. The next quote is, 'I had a dream!'
Little Li Sum Koh also at the front yelled out 'I bereiva it was Martin
Ruther King!
' 'Well done!' said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off' 'No thanka you miss. I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take Time offa school.
Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too,' said little Li Sum hoh.
'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, 'F#^*ing Asians!'
'Who said that?' yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
'Pauline Hanson!' yelled little Johnny. 'See ya Tuesday !!!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 05, 2007, 11:50:02 pm

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 07, 2007, 01:16:05 pm

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you buy a Mustang to go on drives together, you've reached a mid life crisis.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.
If only they could see the world as you do.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 08, 2007, 07:18:26 pm

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the #### out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on October 09, 2007, 11:00:29 am

Two devout old ladies, in their mid 80's, were sitting an church attending a high mass, (that's a full length mass, not one held upstairs!), when one lady turns to her companion and says " I hope the mass will end soon because my bottom has gone to sleep!"

"I Know" replied her companion "I've been listening to it snoring for the last hour!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 09, 2007, 04:56:57 pm

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas .
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes.
Suddenly, a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,
and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells, "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little sh it on your knee!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 11, 2007, 08:52:38 pm

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's".

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's".

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 12, 2007, 06:24:30 pm

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 14, 2007, 07:24:36 pm

Bringing this back in for some new blood.. and fresh jokes..

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 14, 2007, 09:08:52 pm

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went to the pub...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 14, 2007, 09:11:59 pm

A little boy and a little girl, both about eight years old, were playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift. The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that, "she asks. "Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted." "Can I try it," she asks? "Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."

She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20 feet, landing up against a tree. He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is. He finds her laying on the ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.

Curiously, he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just what I thought, dual exhaust."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 15, 2007, 10:44:33 am

Good Catholic boys!!!(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/pontifron.jpg)

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well

Tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Sheila O'Brien?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.

You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 15, 2007, 08:13:36 pm

A Welsh farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking out of a pond. The Welsh farmer shouted: "Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi cachu un a for. which means: "Don't drink the water the cows have s in it'. The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English." The Welsh farmer says: "Use two hands, it holds more!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 19, 2007, 01:02:55 pm

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say" censored A," the rottweiler ate him!"
(nah not a rottie ) . . . .

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 19, 2007, 03:31:43 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GJ4j9h0tL8

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 19, 2007, 10:32:52 pm

When you're drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
&n bsp;9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this
parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 20, 2007, 07:15:25 pm

A cop in Paris last night pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser".

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

The cop said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample" The man produced another letter. This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then". The man produces a third letter from his pocket. It read: "This man plays rugby for New Zealand, please don't take the piss out of him".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 20, 2007, 07:52:51 pm

The Mailman

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 21, 2007, 02:53:32 pm

Mannwell called in sick for work, the following day the Boss called Mannwell to his office"Mannwell why you not come to work yesterday? Oh Boss, mannwell was feel very sic Boss! No come to work Boss!
Well Mannwell. Mannwell, Mannwell.....Let me you in a little secret, Did you know that when Boss dont feell like come to work, Boss make love to "Boss wife"....and Boss feel great, and off to work Boss go.
Maybey "MANNWELL!" Will try this next time he sic! OK?
OK Boss.. Mannwell try for you!
The next day, Mannwell was late for work! Well! Manwell, why you late?
Boss! I no feel so good to work and do like you tell me an... annn...annnn , Sorry I late Boss....and Mannwell feel GREAT!
Well Mannwell that was well done, at least you are at work, Not at home feelin sick, you see Boss is Good man!
Tank you Boss tank you, You tell Mannwell very good thing to do and you have nice house too!

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/fawltytowers.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 21, 2007, 03:58:03 pm

A Mustang owner and his wife were lying in bed one night. The wife is all curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a thick Mustang book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife, and fondles her "special area." He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused... and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement, she gets up and starts stripping right in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown.... I thought it was foreplay."
The husband says, "No, not at all."
His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing?"
Seconds before his death, he says... "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 23, 2007, 09:23:03 am

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
A Mustang owner and his wife were lying in bed one night. The wife is all curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a thick Mustang book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife, and fondles her "special area." He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused... and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement, she gets up and starts stripping right in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown.... I thought it was foreplay."
The husband says, "No, not at all."
His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing?"
Seconds before his death, he says... "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."

I love reading ! Dont you?:+next page:+next page:+:(:i

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 23, 2007, 05:59:55 pm

The Joker whom built this 289 last!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 23, 2007, 06:21:31 pm

Why men don't write advice to the lovelorn columns:

Dear Heven:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road in my Mustang when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injector chamber.

Heven

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 23, 2007, 09:18:11 pm

Sally is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens it to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina". Shocked she slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina?". "Yes" she says. The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 23, 2007, 10:05:41 pm

A Dog's Rules for Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
b. Don't eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
c. Tolerate children
d. Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 25, 2007, 10:44:06 am

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a Bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic

Patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS

For everything else, there's MasterCard!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 25, 2007, 03:53:49 pm

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf."
and she said

"Take a sweater."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 25, 2007, 04:06:39 pm

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself naked in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dummy!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 25, 2007, 09:13:23 pm

HEV,

Top 5 most viewed topics:

JOKES.....One liners (5498)
Introduce yourself (5497)
Nostalgia time (4587)
FS, 66 Mustang convertible. (2727)
GT 500 Overhaul (2428)

It has now taken over as the most viewed topic...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 26, 2007, 08:51:30 am

Is good, YA?
I got another one
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those

Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To

Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a Headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball

Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the

Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his

Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes

Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With

That, He goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,

She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."

His funeral service will be held on Friday.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 26, 2007, 05:07:03 pm

A man went to a dentist one day for a regular check up. The dentist decided that one tooth was in such bad condition that it should be extracted. The dentist advised the man of the situation who agreed to the procedure.
When the dentist went to give the man an injection the man said "don't worry, I don't need an injection". The dentist went on to explain that the procedure could be very painful however the patient insisted that he would be OK without a needle. The patient went on to explain that he had two experiences in recent times that had made him immune to pain so the dentist went ahead and extracted the tooth. To the dentist's amazement the guy didn't even wince.
The dentist, quite astonished remarked " that was amazing, the two recent experiences you say you had that made you immune to pain must have been something special, would you care to tell me about them".
The man said "sure, one day I was out hunting and suddenly had an overwhelming urge to evacuate my bowels. I ducked behind a bush and squatted down and my scrotum landed squarely on the trigger of a rabbit trap and CRUNCH!!". The dentist exclaimed "oh my god, that must have been excruciating but what was the second experience". The man replied "when I ran out of chain"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 26, 2007, 05:24:33 pm

An Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness and having a contest to see who could make the best toast.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" Thinking quickly John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to yank him to make him come!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on October 26, 2007, 09:08:16 pm

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink a young woman sat beside him and asked..."Are you a real cowboy?" "Well," he replied "I've spent my life looking after cattle, breaking colts, bailing hay, fixing tractors, doctoring calves cleaning the barn. Yeah, you could say I'm a real cowboy.
She said "I'm a lesbian. I spend every waking moment thinking about women. As soon as I wake up, when I'm in the shower, watching T.V, when I eat, at work. Everything I do makes me think about women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later a man sat down on the other side of the cowboy and asked "Are you a real cowboy?"
The cowboy replied "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 27, 2007, 09:12:44 pm

Understanding Engineers - Take One:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a Particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The
Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last
one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 28, 2007, 09:14:19 pm

My GOD! I must be a LESBIAN! Too!:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on October 29, 2007, 12:53:32 pm

Yeah,Hev, I have to face that hard truth as well!;]

A teacher was reading "The Three Little Pigs" to her class of 6 year olds.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home,

She read, "...and so the pig went up to the Man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' "

The teacher paused and asked the class: "and what do you think the Man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, very matter of factly, "I think the man would have said; 'Well Fark me, a talking pig!' "

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 29, 2007, 03:09:45 pm

A man is sitting on his front step staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is. "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse." "What was the question?" the neighbour asks. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," says the neighbour. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'" "Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 29, 2007, 10:18:56 pm

A man went to the dentist for his annual exam. During the course of the work, the dentist said, "If you don't mind me asking a rather personal question, I would like to know if you eat pussy?"
The man replied, "Why I don't mind saying that Yes I do and I love it! What was it that gave you the first clue? Do I have some pubic hair in my teeth?"
The Doctor shook his head and said, "No, there is no hair at all. It's the shit on your necktie that gave you away."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 30, 2007, 08:20:43 pm

I was in a pub and told the following joke: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked. "No," replied the man. "He choked on one of my socks..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 31, 2007, 04:26:01 pm

Question from a recent Australian survey:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now ?

Answers: 20%: YES

10% : NO

70% :معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 31, 2007, 04:27:06 pm

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for
the answer.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to
me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She
again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him." The defence
attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice
said: "If either of you f#ckers asks her if she knows me, I'll send you
to the electric chair."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 31, 2007, 07:50:51 pm

An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and - poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done - poof! The light goes off?" "Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the bloody fridge again!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 01, 2007, 11:34:01 am

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems .... (http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/arsewobble.jpg)

'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya at teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/doctor.jpg)

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another
And another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,
How moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/waivingmoney.jpg)(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/waivingmoney.jpg)

I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: blackbox on November 01, 2007, 01:32:36 pm

Single man thinks he is in at the pub.
Asks the young lady home.
She says "sorry Im on my menstral cycle"
He replys, "thats OK Im on a Yamaha, I will follow you home.:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 01, 2007, 03:17:55 pm

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Pepper spray will do that to you

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 01, 2007, 07:42:21 pm

Pregnancy questions and answers

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A! : Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 02, 2007, 11:59:33 am

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,
"Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having
sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came
here in the first place."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 02, 2007, 03:10:51 pm

A Riddle

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer below
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
* Get your drunk ASS off the merry-go-round.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on November 03, 2007, 03:02:10 pm

I was talking to a bloken with 5 penises the othe day. ;x He reckoned his condoms fitted like a glove!:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 04, 2007, 05:52:07 pm

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six"

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read :
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on November 05, 2007, 07:06:06 am

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was
looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk
in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on November 05, 2007, 07:06:42 am

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.
He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on November 05, 2007, 07:07:40 am

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What’s the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on November 05, 2007, 07:08:31 am

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a
wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough,
she panics.

The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat
on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he
makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining
her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so
he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out
by putting honey on his male appendage and withdrawing as soon as he
feels the wasp.

And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's
screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general
panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says
he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.

Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so
the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and
instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the
wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with
vigour.

The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To which
the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the
bastard!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on November 05, 2007, 07:09:45 am

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a
shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred ...

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another
long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant
and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply
employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the
American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of
feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of
fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm
trees make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her
opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her
mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't
raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup
a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But
they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 68pony on November 05, 2007, 07:50:35 pm

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance
policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day
on the day that you died.
>
> The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So the next day at 12:01 the
first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy,
promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was
going when you died"
>
> "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on
my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I
immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched
the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve
of that guy!
>
> Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall
and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get
the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him Oddly enough, the first thing
I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and
tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
>
> The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost
instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a
bad day,it was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the
Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
>
> A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was John
Howard." Mr. Howard, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was
like when you died." Johnnie said, "No problem. But you're not going to
believe this. I was on the balcony of a 26th floor apartment where we were staying for a
conference doing my daily
> exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve
my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the
side!
>
> Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But
all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and
stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom
which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the
ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all
things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me
instantly."
>
> The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Johnnie finishes his story. "I could
get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel
announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Howard enter.
>
> A few seconds later, Shane Warne comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked
to speak. Thoughts of demon bowlers or car accidents pour through the Angel's head.
Finally he says, "Mr Warne , please tell me what it was like the day you died."
>
> Shane says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"
>

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 05, 2007, 07:58:12 pm

Q: why don't witches wear underwear?

A: To get a better grip on the broom

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 06, 2007, 12:58:14 pm

Now here's a clean one!(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/pontifron.jpg)

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHE S HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS A RE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN. ?

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!.:) ?

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ..? GOTCHA !!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 06, 2007, 01:11:44 pm

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 06, 2007, 06:09:32 pm

Famous Sayings

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

250's fly.
- Heven

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 06, 2007, 08:52:56 pm

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks: "So whaddaya got in the bag?" The man responded by reaching into the bag and pulling out a little man, about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a piece by Mozart.

Now the bartender is extremely curious about this odd sight, so he asks the man: "Where the hell'd ya get that?" The man responded by reaching into the paper bag, but this time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke, then a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish," she says.

The bartender gets excited by having a wish from a real genie. He had always dreamed about it, but now it's actually happening. So without even hesitating, he says: "I want a million bucks."

So the genie nods her head and disappears in another gust of smoke. A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks. The bartender turns to the man and says: "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS."

To this the man responded: "No s.it! Do you really think, for just one moment, that I would have ever wished for a TWELVE INCH PIANIST?!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 06, 2007, 09:45:59 pm

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
--Mac1

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 07, 2007, 08:02:45 am

I OFTEN HAVE MY NIPPLES RUBBED!

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time -

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

"RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that
he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,

"RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!"
and doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES RUBBED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 07, 2007, 04:02:16 pm

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."

What's your name?" she asked. He said, "Bob Titsnbeer"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 07, 2007, 04:15:29 pm

Only great minds can read this

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
fugediffino!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 07, 2007, 04:26:44 pm

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada, both liked to hunt. They were hunting for deer when all of a sudden a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire.
The Scotsman was shaken. "Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!"
"That was a moose," the Canadian replied.
"What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good Lord, I'd hate to see yer rats!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 07, 2007, 05:47:00 pm

Spring had arrived and the old Italian man wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me like in the old days. Love, Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 07, 2007, 06:20:02 pm

Hell

one day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.

Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 07, 2007, 08:32:06 pm

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. While chatting with the bartender the man says: "I have a method that will enable you to double the amount of beer you sell every day." "Really?!" says the bartender, "How?" "Very simple. Just pour full glasses.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: taxi_driver on November 07, 2007, 08:44:15 pm

how to treat women..

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "Could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
(Or--if she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say "You better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. Then--when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for wussies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words "F*ck you" and grab the other girls ass.
Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "If you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the parties dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet...kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things...like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair.
This way she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say "No, shes not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile...then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what Im talking about.

21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. She'll say "No, its just the rain." Ten minutes later turn to her and just scream "Stop crying you f*cking baby!" Girls like a tough man as I've already stated.

22. Titty twisters...and plenty of them.

23. If you're listening to music and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Two words...Dutch oven.

25. Remember her birthday but don't get her anything. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

26. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call youre going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now dont call.

27. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's funny.

28. when you are walking and holding her hand (remember to squeeze tight!) lead her into mud puddles, ice patches, and anything else that will get her shoes dirty.

29.When you take her to a movie have her go into the theater while you go to the bathroom, but dont go back to the movie she went to, go to a different one. After the movie, find her in the hall and blame her for moving theaters on you.

30. Sex is a race to the orgasm and no woman likes a loser.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 07, 2007, 08:55:02 pm

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The insurance clerk says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent at the same time and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, the situation is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which test is your Wife's."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" "Normally, we could do that. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once in a year, so we can't repeat the test again until next year."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off on the outskirts of town... if she remembers the way home, don't sleep with her."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 07, 2007, 09:44:39 pm

Philosophy of sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

" 250's fly."
--Heven

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 08, 2007, 08:40:04 pm

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 09, 2007, 04:33:31 pm

A survey was conducted of a thousand Mustang owners to try and establish why men like blow jobs so much?

5% said that they like the feel of their person in the moist mouth of their woman.

5% said it was just part of owning a Mustang.

10% liked the end result which comes to most.

20% said that they like the domination they have over their woman

and 60% said that they liked the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 09, 2007, 05:51:01 pm

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted "Mum, I want a bike for my birthday". Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.

Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.

Dear God, This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Barry began to write his letter to God.

DEAR GOD, I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F..KING BIKE!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 10, 2007, 03:53:39 pm

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the Nun says, "pull into the next alley."
The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The Nun says, "that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 12, 2007, 05:38:49 pm

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin, in every way". The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

The Doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together... an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, he rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She says, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this... still in the CRATE!" :+:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 12, 2007, 10:27:04 pm

I just worked it out...........how to understand a women!

Is Easy really, If your a ninja master you have a chance, otherwise Forget It.
You have the ability to read there thoughts, and if you can achieve this, you must take a step backwards study telicanessis, and teliport your arse outa there!
(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/angrywife.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 13, 2007, 10:29:38 am

A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo village but is having trouble interacting with the villagers. Finally he corners one of them and asks why they won't talk to him.
The villager responds that he has not been initiated as a man. He ask's what do I have to do?
The villager says, first you have to drink 2 bottles of Russian Vodka, then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bare hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love for 10 hours straight with one of our women.
The man says he will do it. That night there's a big party to initiate the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle of Vodka. He down's about half without much trouble, bet the second half is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk.
The chief picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear cave. He staggers over and climbs in. Suddenly there's a huge commotion from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in pain. Half an hour later he stumbles out of the cave, Torn to shreds, bloodied, and half dead. He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says,
Okeee now where's the woman I gotta kill?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 13, 2007, 09:47:12 pm

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000.00 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000.00 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby volunteer Fire Department from a few towns over, composed mainly of over 65's.

To everyone's amazement, the little rundown fire engine, operated by these old boys, passed all the newer sleeker engines parked outside the plant… and drove straight into the middle of the inferno! Outside the other firemen watched in amazement as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never before witnessed.

Within a short time, the old boys had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000.00, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly fire-fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said the fire chief, "the first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that f..king truck!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 13, 2007, 10:46:15 pm

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . .
"Go get your mother."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 14, 2007, 09:29:46 pm

Praise be
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

"This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt'?"

Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."

The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 15, 2007, 12:16:47 pm

I went to my first Muslim birthday party today !

Musical chairs was a bit slow... but f*%k me, pass the parcel was fast!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: nassi on November 15, 2007, 07:49:37 pm

Quote

Originally posted by jmd1
I went to my first Muslim birthday party today !

Musical chairs was a bit slow... but f*%k me, pass the parcel was fast!

:+:+:*

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 68pony on November 15, 2007, 07:58:43 pm

Subject:
SOLD

A
woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work.

Her
9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom
cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes
home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising
that the little boy is in there.

After
a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here.

The
man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone
from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."

Boy
- "I have a football."

Man
- "That's nice."

Boy
- "Want to buy it?"

Man
- "No, thanks."

Boy
- "My dad's outside."

Man
- "OK, how much?"

Boy
- "$250"

In
the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
cupboard together.

Boy
- "Dark in here."

Man
- "Yes, it is."

Boy
- "I have football boots."

The
lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this
time?"

Boy
- "$750"

Man
- "Sold."

A
few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The
boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The
father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to
who?"

The
boy says, "To a friend of mine for a $1,000."

The
father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like
that". "That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going
to take
you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."

They
go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession
booth and he closes the door.

The
boy says, "Dark in here".

The
priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my
cupboard now"!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 15, 2007, 08:51:55 pm

CHrist Is that you? Christ thats rude Christ, Jesus Christ Christ I never herd you so rude Christ!
Hey I found how you can read the censored! Just hit "quote" and the rude word comes up! Dont tell nobody but hay!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 15, 2007, 09:28:33 pm

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink up, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 18, 2007, 04:33:13 pm

My only one till Friday as no access to computer;x

Thor, the god of thunder, assumes mortal form, comes down to earth on a Friday night and goes to a singles bar. He ends up going home with a beautiful woman. They spend the weekend in her place making passionate love, over and over again. Come Monday morning, Thor deciding to reveal his true identity, says "I am Thor!". The women looks at him and replies, "You're Thor!? I'm so thor I can hardly pith!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 19, 2007, 09:18:59 am

Quote

Originally posted by jmd1
My only one till Friday as no access to computer;x

Thor, the god of thunder, assumes mortal form, comes down to earth on a Friday night and goes to a singles bar. He ends up going home with a beautiful woman. They spend the weekend in her place making passionate love, over and over again. Come Monday morning, Thor deciding to reveal his true identity, says "I am Thor!". The women looks at him and replies, "You're Thor!? I'm so thor I can hardly pith!"

Was this woman Ita Butrose?:+:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 19, 2007, 04:10:52 pm

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"

And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 19, 2007, 04:12:42 pm

LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a
truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?'
Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!' The nurse
wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his
imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.'
That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another
patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?' To which Davo replies,
'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne'.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: peter350h on November 20, 2007, 09:37:49 pm

A man is pulled over by the police for speeding. As they speak to him, they suspect that he is drunk. As the policeman handcuffs the man, he states: Anything you say will be HELD against you in court.
The man replies:........ Breasts

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 21, 2007, 03:20:29 pm

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello, and Kevin Rudd.
They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: peter350h on November 21, 2007, 08:59:03 pm

a duck walkes into a pharmacy and askes for a packet of condoms.

the teller says: do you want me to put that on your bill?

the duck replies: what do i look like, a dickhead

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 68pony on November 23, 2007, 08:58:36 pm

A nice, calm and
respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to The pharmacist, looked
straight into his eyes, and said,
'I would like to buy some
cyanide.?

The pharmacist asked, 'Why
in the world do you need Cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need
it to poison my husband.'

The Pharmacists eyes got
big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your
husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad Things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her
purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's
wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now. That?s
Different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 23, 2007, 09:20:52 pm

A bloke walks into his loungeroom and greats his wife with a duck under his arm.
He says, "This is the pig I told you about I was r**ting as well."
She says, "but its a duck."

He says, " I wasn't talking to you."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 24, 2007, 10:04:04 am

A guy walks into a clinic to get a blood test done. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it. The guy is so pleased he asks, "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 24, 2007, 01:42:23 pm

A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World
War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."
"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favors."
"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"
"What, my son?"
"She is pretty old now, should I tell her the war is over?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 24, 2007, 04:47:37 pm

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him.

He whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... you know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, f.ck off!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 25, 2007, 09:06:05 am

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the
fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you
make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 25, 2007, 09:55:42 pm

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 25, 2007, 10:00:55 pm

This cowboy was riding his horse out in the middle of nowhere and his horse trips over something. The man gets off his horse checks to see what it was. He notices it's a lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out of the lamp. The cowboy pulls out his guns and says to the genie, "If you don't give me three wishes I'm going to kill you right here!" The genie says, "OK I'm not a violent man so I'll grant you your wishes." The cowboy says, "O.K. for my first wish I want a bottle of the best liquor."

The genie snaps his fingers and POOF a bottle of Jack Daniels appears in his saddle bag. The cowboy says, "OK for my second wish I want $1 million." The genie snaps his fingers again and suddenly $1 million appears in his saddle bag. The cowboy says, "Well I've never been good with the ladies so for my third wish I want a dick the size of my horses." The genie snaps his fingers and suddenly the crotch of his pants swell.

The cowboy rides off into town and goes to the local saloon. He gets drunk and starts telling everybody the story and naturally nobody believes him. The cowboy says, "But I got this bottle of liquor right here" The bartender says, "Yeah but you could have got that anywhere!" The cowboy says, "But I've got $1 million right here!" Another cowboy says "Yeah you could have robbed a bank somewhere and got that!" The cowboy says, "Oh yeah! Then where did I get this!" and he unzips his pants and flops his huge dick on the counter.

Another cowboy gets all excited about it and jumps on his horse and rides out to find the lamp. When he finds it he rubs the lamp and says to the genie "If you don't grant my three wishes I'll kill you!" The genie says "OK go ahead and tell me your wishes."

The second cowboy says "OK for my wishes I want twice as much as the first guy had! I want two bottles of liquor, $2 million, and I want to have a dick twice as big as my horse's." The genie snaps his fingers and his wishes come true. The second cowboy rides back to town to tell everybody in the saloon about his story. He gets the same kind of harassment as the first cowboy so he says " Oh yeah! Well how did I get this!?" With that he unzips his pants and everybody in the bar starts to laugh. Just then the second cowboy thought "OH SH4T! I rode my horse BECKY out there

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 27, 2007, 08:18:18 pm

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organisations retire to the bar at the end of the day.

Norman, CEO of South African Breweries, shouts to the barman: "In South Africa, we make the best beer in the world, so pour me a Castle."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the king of them all - gimme a Bud!"

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers."

Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of foam on top.

Bruce, chairman of XXXX is next: "Barman, give me a diet Coke with ice and a slice of lemon please." The other four stare at him in stunned silence, then Norman asks: "Aren't you going to have a XXXX, Bruce?" Bruce looks at them and says "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 28, 2007, 10:53:20 pm

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a Young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's Bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you Use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 28, 2007, 10:59:44 pm

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 70-year-old woman was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" asked one. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?""No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them. "WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM OK!?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 29, 2007, 12:48:29 pm

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in".

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool!

Geoffrey was fighting the croc and kicking its ass!

Geoffrey was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of -hit, like head butts and chokeholds,

biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.

Both Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.

Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Geoffrey.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet."

"How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Geoffrey.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something.

That was amazing.

How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again Geoffrey said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?"

Geoffrey said, "I want the name of the prick that pushed me in the Pool.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 29, 2007, 04:32:08 pm

IM ON FIRE TODAY>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £5 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £5 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 30, 2007, 03:45:29 pm

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several traffic lights in Sydney. Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of Money to spend. Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day. Ahmed says "Look at your sign, it says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.'"

"Aussies who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family whether they give you money or not!" "Now look at my sign!"

So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads: "I only need another $10 to move back to Lebanon!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 30, 2007, 04:41:16 pm

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 30, 2007, 09:12:27 pm

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 30, 2007, 09:18:41 pm

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside... when you said you heard someone coming... that was me."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: TOYBOS on November 30, 2007, 09:57:37 pm

hears one for the olds:-

heard of the new irish submarin? they put fly screens on it

new irish invention, injector seat for helicoptors

never make fun of i talians their good knife throwers

two men walk into a bar you think one of them would of seen it

ok im not that funny

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 01, 2007, 03:53:17 pm

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 01, 2007, 06:02:25 pm

"Outside... when you said you heard someone coming... that was me."

:w:w:w:w:w:w:w:w "that was me."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 01, 2007, 07:52:24 pm

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 02, 2007, 02:17:25 pm

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect." To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 02, 2007, 02:46:27 pm

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
Outlaws are wanted.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 03, 2007, 03:21:31 pm

Postman Pat.

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/postmanpat.jpg)

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you".

He said, "F*** him. Give him five bucks."

She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 03, 2007, 04:18:33 pm

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon."

Thats about 6.8 l's per 100 k's

Thats better than the 67 gets!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 03, 2007, 05:18:53 pm

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. She was devastated - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? So in a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. Little Johnny then decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." Little Johnny replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then Little Johnny asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 04, 2007, 04:27:58 pm

A Victoria Mustang owner is drinking in a Sydney pub when he gets a call on his mobilel phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Melbourne baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Melbournian just shrugs, "That's about average down there, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Melbourne baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Melbournian returns to the pub. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Melbourne baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
The Melbourne father takes a slow swig from his Victoria Bitter, wipes his lips on his Mustang shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on December 04, 2007, 05:29:27 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
A Victoria Mustang owner is drinking in a Sydney pub when he gets a call on his mobilel phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Melbourne baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Melbournian just shrugs, "That's about average down there, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Melbourne baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Melbournian returns to the pub. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Melbourne baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
The Melbourne father takes a slow swig from his Victoria Bitter, wipes his lips on his Mustang shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised."

this reminded me of when i was circumcised at the age of 21.
The doctor let me keep the leftovers to use as a spare fan belt for my mustang.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: nassi on December 04, 2007, 05:56:31 pm

Quote

Originally posted by scedd

this reminded me of when i was circumcised at the age of 21.
The doctor let me keep the leftovers to use as a spare fan belt for my mustang.

WOW, you had a Mustang at 21?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on December 04, 2007, 09:31:51 pm

When I was circumcised at birth, my parents had a wallet made from the "offcuts", and gave it to me on my 21st Birthday. Greatest wallet I've ever owned, and if you rub it gently it turns into a suitcase!:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 04, 2007, 10:12:00 pm

this reminded me of when i was circumcised at the age of 21.
The doctor let me keep the leftovers to use as a spare fan belt for my mustang. [/quote]

Thank you for sharing that!
and I thought they used em for calamari rings!;w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Red71 on December 04, 2007, 10:14:32 pm

Did you hear about the new Rabbi who was performing his first circumcision? He slipped and got the sack!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 04, 2007, 10:14:50 pm

Quote

Originally posted by R_Beckhaus
When I was circumcised at birth, my parents had a wallet made from the "offcuts", and gave it to me on my 21st Birthday. Greatest wallet I've ever owned, and if you rub it gently it turns into a suitcase!:w

And if you droped it in the snow ited be a key pouch......yea yea!
Im from Malta and we used em for sails in the small ships!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on December 04, 2007, 10:51:32 pm

Do you know what is inscribed above all Synagogue doors?

We keep the Piece (peace):+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 05, 2007, 12:02:22 pm

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY
ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as
the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a
particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you
cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These
men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled
to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4
- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help
With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes
to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have
a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a
New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has
wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/angrywife.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 68pony on December 05, 2007, 04:45:26 pm

mastercard
(http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t200/68pony/th_MasterCard.jpg) (http://s160.photobucket.com/albums/t200/68pony/?action=view&current=MasterCard.flv)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 68pony on December 05, 2007, 05:06:23 pm

(http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t200/68pony/th_Achmed.jpg) (http://s160.photobucket.com/albums/t200/68pony/?action=view&current=Achmed.flv)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 68pony on December 05, 2007, 07:22:30 pm

Boss and his Secretary
> >>>
> >>> Boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
that his zipper was
> >>>
> >>> down.
> >>>
> >>> His secretary walked up to him and asked, "Boss
this morning when you
> >>> left
> >>>
> >>> your house, did you close your garage door?" This
was not a phrase that
> >>>
> >>> Her Boss understood, so he went into his Office
looking a bit puzzled.
> >>>
> >>> When he was about done with his paper work, he
suddenly noticed that his
> >>>
> >>> Zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering
what his
> >>>
> >>> Secretary had told him, finally understood. He then
intentionally went
> >>> out
> >>>
> >>> to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he
reached her desk,
> >>>
> >>> He said, "When you saw the garage door open did
you see my jaguar parked
> >>>
> >>> In there?"
> >>>
> >>> The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No,
Boss I didn't. All I
> >>> saw
> >>>
> >>> Was a Datsun120 with 2 flat tires."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 05, 2007, 10:43:45 pm

When George first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

George became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, George's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will George be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 05, 2007, 10:52:02 pm

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
-
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel. "
-
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"
-
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 06, 2007, 09:51:09 am

This was my Datsun 1200(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/datsun1200.gif)

Now The mrs wont let me near it!(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/datsun1200blown.jpg)

The new VIAGRa fuel really works!:p:p

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 68pony on December 06, 2007, 10:03:07 pm

How a marriage
works

A newlywed couple had only been
married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to
go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he
said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where
are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the
bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."

The wife said,
"You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different
countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India,etc.

The
husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying
was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen
glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the
sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass,
puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of
the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding
it.

The husband, looking a bit
pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres
that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.
OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi
pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips,
etc.

"But my sweet honey... At the
bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all
that..."

"You want dirty words,
D*ckhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your
motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going
anywhere!

Got it,
As*hole?"

.....and, they lived happily
ever after.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 07, 2007, 09:37:50 pm

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce! Bruce!?" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank.

A minute later Bruce returned with Frank and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Frank said. "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Frank. "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Frank said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?" "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 08, 2007, 09:29:45 pm

Three aboriginals are sitting at the local shops in Meekatharra. The first bloke says to his mate. "Ay Jeffry wot land ya gunna buy wit your dolla's from da govment?" Jeffrey says "I'm gunna buy Arnom land, dat's good land up dere bloke." Then Jeffry says to Lewis "Ay Lewis, wot land you gunna buy?" Lewis says "I'm gunna buy Gibson land... nice place round dere ay!" Then Lewis says to Neville "Ay! Neville wot land you gunna buy dere bloke?" Neville replys "I'm gunna buy LIQUOR LAND!"
--

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 09, 2007, 08:36:12 pm

A woman enters a kosher butcher shop and tells the kid behind the counter, "I would like a Long Island Duck!" So the kid runs in the back and brings out a duck. She immediately sticks her index finger up the duck's ass, and twirls it. She then looks at the kid and yells, "This is a New Jersey duck. I said a Long Island duck, Dummy!"

The kid runs in the back and comes out with a second duck. After sticking her finger in the second duck she yells, "This is a Rhode Island duck. I said a Long Island duck. How dumb can you be?"

The kid runs in the back again and comes out with a third duck and says, "I hope this is what you want lady. It's the last duck we have." After sticking her finger up the behind of the third duck she says, "Ah! This is a Long Island duck. I'll take it! Wrap it up!"

As the kid is wrapping the duck, she says "You're not too bright, are you! You're new around here. Where are you from, any way?" The kid bends down, drops his pants and with his ass towards her and says, "Here lady! You tell me!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 09, 2007, 08:40:35 pm

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
-
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 11, 2007, 04:47:26 pm

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?" "Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls!"

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: steveo on December 12, 2007, 06:26:24 pm

A first-grade teacher, Mrs. Robin Graber, was having trouble with one
> of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
>
> Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
> 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the
> 3rd grade too!"
>
> Mrs. Graber had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
>
> While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
> principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs. Graber
he
> would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions

> he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
>
> Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
> agreed to take the test.
>
> Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
> Harry: "9."
>
> Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
> Harry: "36."
>
> And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
> should know.
>
>
>
> The principal looks at Mrs Graber and tells her, "I think Harry can go

> to the 3rd grade."
>
> Mrs. Graber says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
>
> The principal and Harry both agreed.
>
> Mrs. Graber asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
> of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
>
> Mrs. Graber: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
>
>
> The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
>
> Harry replied:
> "Pockets."
>
> Mrs. Graber: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
> Harry: "Pants."
>
> Mrs. Graber: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
> oval,delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
> Harry: "Coconut."
>
> The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
>
> Mrs. Graber: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
> sticky?"
>
> The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
> answer,
>
> Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
>
> Mrs. Graber: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
> down and a dog does on three legs?"
> Harry: "Shake hands."
>
> The principal was trembling.
>
> Mrs. Graber: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
> a lot of heat and excitement?"
> Harry: "Firetruck."
>
> The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told Mrs. Graber, "Put
> Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 12, 2007, 08:29:14 pm

:w:w:w:w:w:w:w
Back to 2nd grade for me too!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 12, 2007, 09:07:33 pm

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.

However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet. "The wife takes the hint and says, "Okay, but I have to use the bathroom first."

So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 15, 2007, 04:22:27 pm

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA , PP, and a red one labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 15, 2007, 05:31:01 pm

I bought a teddy bear yesterday for $10. I named him Mohammed. Last night I sold him for $30. My question is, have I made a prophet?
:2

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 17, 2007, 09:40:40 pm

These young boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward the stairs to the bedroom. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs.

The mother turns back to the 2 boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, okay?"

The two boys nod okay, and the parents take off upstairs.

The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into the room and shakes his head disapprovingly. Back downstairs he goes, back to his little brother.

"Come with me, "he says, and the 2 little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to the younger brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our butts for sucking our thumb!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 18, 2007, 08:52:58 am

Quote

Originally posted by jmd1
I bought a teddy bear yesterday for $10. I named him Mohammed. Last night I sold him for $30. My question is, have I made a prophet?
:2

"Athiests" a NON Profit Organisation.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 18, 2007, 04:00:03 pm

Three guys are rating women (1-10) as they come into a pub. A decent looking woman comes in, and the first guy says "5", the second guy says "6", and the third guy says "maybe 1/2."

Again another woman enters, this time more attractive, and the ratings are 7, 7, and 1.

Then a gorgeous tall blonde enters. This woman is PERFECT. The first guy says "10." The second one echoes "10", and the third one says "2". The woman hears these ratings and turns quickly to the third guy. "I know what you guys are doing" she says indignantly "What do you mean 2!? I've never been rated less than 10!!"

The third guy replies. "You don't understand. I use the Young's rating system." She snaps back "So what is a 2 in the Young's rating system?" He responds "That's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off of my face!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 20, 2007, 09:27:07 am

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a
male or female horse.

"A female horth ."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks
him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his
arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/midget.jpg)
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 20, 2007, 04:26:07 pm

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours -- all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus, the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass....

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 21, 2007, 07:16:04 pm

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face? Because the snowblower was coming down the block

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 2+266 on December 23, 2007, 03:29:52 pm

an old gent joins a nudist camp and begins his tour on his first weekend there,he strips off and begins walking a bit only to come across a beautiful blonde sunbaking, he immediately gets an erection.Embarrassed he quickly begins to walk in the other direction when the blonde chases him down,excuse me sir did you call for me ? she then looks down to the old fellas erection and wisks him behind the shower block and ravages him,he thought this was a great place,later that day he walked into the sauna and sat down when suddenly he let out a fart ! within seconds a big tall brute of a man walks in and says hi there did you call for me ? he then flips the old fella round and has his wicked way with him! after the old guy gathers himself up he gets dressed and goes to reception were a lady sits on a computer,thats it he says you can have your membership back keep the $500 dollar entrance fee,oh said the girl what seems to be the problem sir,he says well I only get an erection once a year but I fart fifteen times a day so Im outa here !

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 24, 2007, 10:03:03 am

A married Russian couple are walking through Red Square when the weather suddenly takes a turn for the worse: “Oh great,” sighs the woman, '”snow”. “That's not snow” protests her husband, “that's rain!'”

The two continue to disagree and the argument becomes quite heated. Just then, the man spots a communist friend walking on the other side of the street. He shouts to him, “Hey, Rudolph! Is it snowing or raining?” Rudolph looks up to the sky and without hesitation replies, “It's raining - definitely!”

As he moves on, the man smiles at his wife. “What are you looking so smug about?” she snaps, “that doesn't prove anything!” “Ah but it does,' says the man, 'Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 27, 2007, 02:35:03 pm

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their 'nooner': it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. 'Homer,' said the doctor, 'just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time.'
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. 'What's wrong?' asked the Doc.
'Didn't my idea work?'
'Oh, it worked good,' said Homer. 'whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd fina a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again.' 'Good, Homer.
So what's the problem?' asked the Doc.
'Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 28, 2007, 04:16:26 pm

Bubba Died in a Fire

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a..holes."

"What? He had two a..holes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two a..holes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a..holes.'"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 28, 2007, 05:08:43 pm

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 28, 2007, 08:03:38 pm

A Small Problem

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your butt, didn't it?'''

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 28, 2007, 11:59:38 pm

What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Techincal Manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 31, 2007, 10:32:28 am

Aussie humour!
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a

Shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne ,

When one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his arse.

If you do not mind me saying,' stated the second,

'that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab.
'It is permanently stuck in my arse.'

'I do not understand,' said the other.
The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street ,

And I tripped over an oil lamp.

There was a puff of smoke, and then
A huge old man in Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.

He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'

I said, 'No sh it?'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 31, 2007, 10:38:29 am

Ol' Blue

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to
University, but halfway through the semester he foolishly
Has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe
What modern education is developing. They actually
Have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog
Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that
Program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young
Jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So ... His father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The
Boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to
Know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe
This. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to
Teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?!' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in
That program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a
Problem. At the end of the year, his father will find
Out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots
The dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is
Pretty excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with
Him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in
The living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Financial
Review. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy
Still messing around with that redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before
He talks to your mother!'

'I sure did, dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 31, 2007, 03:05:08 pm

Bloody Terrorists.

A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes... BOOM!!! A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is wonderful news" screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'.

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!"

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am God." "But this is absolutely amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!"

"You look tired my son" said God "would you like to sit down and rest a while?" "Oh yes" replied the bomber "I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you".

The bomber sits down and God says "You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?" "Oh yes please" replies the bomber "I am most thirsty, thank you".

With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts "Oi, Mohammed, two coffees over here and make it snappy!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on December 31, 2007, 09:24:00 pm

An American woman, a French woman and an African woman were on an International Airliner which was in serious trouble and was about to crash.

The American woman puts on fresh makeup, explaining to the other women "Rescuers will help a beautiful woman first!"

The French woman takes off her Bra, explaining "You are wrong. Ze rescuers will see my wonderful breasts and save me first!"

The African woman takes off her knickers, claiming the others to be completely wrong "Everyone knows that in an aeroplane crash they always go for the black box first!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 02, 2008, 01:29:00 pm

Mighty Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bulls.it. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 04, 2008, 09:44:03 pm

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly Jesus was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, Jesus said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than ever.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 04, 2008, 10:43:02 pm

A man and a woman, who had never met before but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an overnight sleeper-train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but could you reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold up here". "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.

"WOW!!! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "get your own foocking blanket!".

There was a stunned silence. Then he farted.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 07, 2008, 10:40:45 pm

What do you call four cows and a blackbird? The Spice Girls.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 08, 2008, 10:50:35 pm

Have you ever heard the one about the little boy who grew up thinking women had teeth between their legs?
When he was young his mother told him women have teeth between their legs so he would be a good boy and not fool around pre- maturely. So, he grew up believing it. So, on his 21st b-day he went to a bar to celebrate. He met this pretty young lady and they hit it off. She ends up taking him home.
They start getting friendly, kissing and petting and such and she starts to take off her pants. He immediately stops her and tells her, "don't do that, my mother told me about you women.
You women have teeth between your legs.". She begins to laugh hysterically and finally, after she stops laughing, explains to him that his mother has lied to him.
She then proceeds to start slipping her pants down while saying "trust me, I'll show you.". He reluctantly agrees to let her show him. Once she gets her pants off she slowly spreads her legs and says, "see there, I don't have any teeth between my legs.".
He tells her, "it's no wonder, look what shape your gums are in."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on January 09, 2008, 01:16:13 pm

;x:w:w:w:w:w:w:w:w:w:*

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 09, 2008, 05:21:06 pm

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up".

He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid..."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, " Yes...?! Why do you ask?" The daughter replied "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"

:+:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 09, 2008, 09:43:40 pm

The local parish had a fairly new priest. He had wonderful, innovative ideas that were, for the most part accepted by the congregation.
His mentor - a "higher ranking" priest came for a visit - to see how he was doing. After looking the parish over, the senior priest said, "Father John, your idea of a drive through confessional is wonderful. That makes it so convenient for your church members. And, Father John, it was a really good idea to have the confessional open 24 hours a day, for those who work "shift" work. However, Father John... that flashing neon sign that says:
"TOOT and TELL or GO to HELL" ... well, that has GOT TO GO!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 68pony on January 09, 2008, 10:55:41 pm

Jewish
or Aboriginal

> A
young boy came home from school one day slightly
>
confused.
>
> His mother was Jewish and his father
was Aboriginal.
>
> So he asks, 'Mum, am I more
Jewish or more Aboriginal?'
>
> 'What does it really
matter? You'll just have to ask your
> father', his mother
tells him.
>
> So he waits until dad gets home from
work and asks the
> same question,'Dad, am I more Jewish or
more Aboriginal?'
>
> 'What kind of a question is
that, does it really matter? Why
> do you want to know if
you're more Jewish or more Aboriginal?'
>
> 'Well,
it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell
>
his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down
>
to $25, or wait till dark and steal the f#@king
thing!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on January 10, 2008, 02:29:15 pm

An Indian Mystery

Finally someone has cleared this up for me ...

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Canberra has recently revealed

the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a Convenience Store, a Service Station,

a Kebab Shop or a Takeaway Cafe in Australia.

If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers who live in Australia.
(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/electriccables.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 10, 2008, 08:02:49 pm

A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy is amused, and decides to humour her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times and I kinda liked it."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 11, 2008, 11:56:09 am

This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear a Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat. There is a moral to this story...

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly... and I will grab the fish!!"

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish leaps for it... That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but I can tell you, there's more to the story...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich!"

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time) "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich Then I can have mouse for lunch!!"

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly
The bear grabs the fish
The hunter shoots the bear
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich
The cat jumps for the mouse
The mouse ducks
The cat falls into the water and drowns

NOW... The Moral of the Story.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is gonna be in serious danger...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 12, 2008, 06:53:26 pm

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,
"I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I've just grabbed something for you just in case."

"What is it?" the wife asked.

" I was just in the bathroom, figured this might happen tonight so I powdered my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mudguts on January 12, 2008, 08:08:22 pm

what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a lake.

bob

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on January 12, 2008, 08:29:30 pm

Quote

Originally posted by mudguts
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a lake.

bob

:w:w:w:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 12, 2008, 08:47:31 pm

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. He said, "Bob... Bob Titsenbeer."
:+:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mudguts on January 12, 2008, 09:09:28 pm

what do you call a guy with no arms or legs uder a pile of leaves.

Russell

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 12, 2008, 09:10:58 pm

What do you call a guy who sits on your front door step all day?

Matt

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mudguts on January 12, 2008, 11:09:08 pm

Beat me to that one mac1:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mudguts on January 12, 2008, 11:13:29 pm

what do you call a deer with no eye's

no eye deer

what do you call a deer with no eye's or leg's

still no eye deer

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 13, 2008, 07:45:35 pm

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any Ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog came back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He saw only two ducks out There."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back He said, "I don't believe it! Where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too." So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.

The breeder obliges, and Earl brings the dog home, and tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a Fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, he was trying to tell you that there are more f..king ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 15, 2008, 11:46:29 am

Q: What does a 9 volt battery and a woman's sphincter have in common?

A: You know it's wrong, but sooner or later you'll put your tongue on there.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 15, 2008, 02:17:57 pm

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend." "Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?" "I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 15, 2008, 02:53:01 pm

So close to the truth

It has been studied and determined that the most often used
Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs...
And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on January 16, 2008, 08:23:49 am

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something." A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry."

Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mudguts on January 16, 2008, 09:59:18 pm

What's black and furry and sit's in a corner screaming??

A baby covered in funnel webs!!!:*:*:*

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mudguts on January 16, 2008, 10:00:15 pm

Just a joke

Just a joke;*

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on January 16, 2008, 10:15:14 pm

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/crying.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 16, 2008, 10:28:10 pm

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mudguts on January 16, 2008, 10:54:02 pm

three workmates were braging in the pub about thier beedroom prowess.
an italin, a greek and an aussie.

the italain says, " When I maka love to my woman. she has the orgasm and lift's half a foot off the thea bed"

"That isa nusing" replies the greek. " whena Ia maka the love to my Wifa she has the orgasms and gose the one foot from the bed mate!'

"thats bloody nuth'n" pipes up the aussie " when I get into the hotizontal tango with me missus, I get up, light a fag and wipe me old fella on the curtain's and she hits the bloody roof!!!!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 16, 2008, 11:02:18 pm

Mac 1, I only posted that joke yesterday, but it was still a not bad one . Cheers JD;w:+

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 16, 2008, 11:03:47 pm

A young man walks over to his father one day and asks if they could have a talk about sex. His father agrees and is eager to help his son with any questions he may have.

"Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?" asked the son. "Well son, "answered the all knowing father." A vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation. The soft folds of a vagina are softer even than the petals of a rose. The delicate scent of a vagina is finer than the finest French perfumes. The taste of a vagina is sweeter than the purest nectar. All in all son, it's like I said, a vagina is the most beautiful thing in creation."

"Gee dad, a vagina sounds just great, the way you describe it."

A few moments of silence go by, and then the boy asks another question.

"Dad, what does a vagina look like after sex?" "Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating custard?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mudguts on January 17, 2008, 04:34:50 am

;x:w:w:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 17, 2008, 04:09:21 pm

A semi was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked up to the cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?" The truckie said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on January 18, 2008, 08:49:08 am

Why so many South Africans move to Australia

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"Shit; great country this!" said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 18, 2008, 12:10:12 pm

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ' It's called sexual intercourse, darling. '
Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ' Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 18, 2008, 05:08:57 pm

Two Aboriginal lads are riding along Oxley Road on a motorbike. Their motorbike breaks down and they start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but he will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginals he has to leave. "Heyyy bloke" they say "gissa pucken lift eh". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Aboriginals put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back, would he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies "Aboriginal Eggs".

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. The Officer replies: "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 18, 2008, 05:52:05 pm

A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in an adult movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 18, 2008, 06:43:08 pm

The $100 TATTOO

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Judy, says, 'Where in the hell have you been'?

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo'.

A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

I got 2 x $50 notes on my penis,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking'? she said, shaking her head in disdain.

'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollars tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want'.

Larry is recovering in ward 23.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on January 19, 2008, 10:18:58 am

A new company of British Soldiers arrived for colonial duty in Inda.
The Brigadier got them on parade to welcome them and issue warnings about life in India.

"First off, men, Stay away from the local Rotgut. It'll send you blind"

"Second, Stay away from the local Women. The professionals will give you nasty diseases and fooling around with the others will earn you a beating up by the local lads"

"The third, and most important thing to be aware of is the black and yellow banded snake. Dangerous bugger. If you see one, come up to it from behind and carefully pick it's tail up in your left hand and cup it in your right hand, with your thumb poised to flick. Then you pull the snake quickly through your hand and flick it's head off with your thumb. Problem solved. Any Questions? No? Ok then get off and have two days leave before starting duty. Dismissed!"

The next afternoon, the Brigadier is inspecting the Base Infirmary when he comes across one of the new lads lying there swathed in bandages.

"HA! Been into the local rotgut and got in a fight have you?"

"No Sir!"

"OH!...I see, youve been fooling with the women and got a beating for your trouble, eh?"

"No Sir!"

"Then what the hell happened to you, man?"

"Well sir, I was taking a morning stroll on a wooded path just off th base when I saw one of those black and yellow stripid snakes lying in wait on the path, So I snuck up behind it and pulled it quickly through my hand and flicked. Sir have you ever seen how cranky a tiger gets when you shove your thumb hard up it's arse?":w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 19, 2008, 12:19:27 pm

Council tax re-values want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay, and no-one is still sure. Two grandsons are meant to be in the army but are always seen out in nightclubs.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers; they are out of control. Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mudguts on January 19, 2008, 02:25:17 pm

;william and harry+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mudguts on January 19, 2008, 02:25:39 pm

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 19, 2008, 03:03:21 pm

A man is walking down the street and he hears in his head. "Stop! If you take one more step you will die!"
The man stops and a brick lands at his feet.
He keeps walking not watching where he was going and the voice says again.
"Stop! If you take one more step you will Regret it for the rest of your life!" The man stops and a lorry comes roaring by almost hitting him.
He thinks to himself "Who is telling me this?" The voice answers
"You won't believe this but, I am your Guardian Angel and I am here to protect you." The man thinks to himself
"Where the Hell were you on my Wedding Day?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: steev888 on January 19, 2008, 06:05:02 pm

A man goes to a bar on top of a 500 story building. once he reaches the top he notices there is only a bartender and a drunk man sitting at a bar.

he walkes over and orders a beer. the drunk man sitting at the bar turns to him and says. "aey! how bout yoo go over too dat windo and joomp oot? da wind will throw yoo back in!"

the man gave him a weird look and said "you do it first and if it throws you back in, ill do it"

the drunk man stood up and went over to the window and jumped out. the wind threw him back in and he sat back at his seat and took a sip of beer.

"THATS AMAZING!" said the other man. he ran to the window and jumped out, and fell to his death.

the drunk man laughed and kept drinking his beer.

the bartender turned around and asked the drunk man ware his other costamer went to.

the drunk man said "he fell out of the window"
the bartender frowned and said, "superman thats the 17th time!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 19, 2008, 09:19:35 pm

If a midget tells a woman her hair smells good.... is that sexual harassment?
:2:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 20, 2008, 05:13:14 pm

A traveling salesman visiting a small town in rural T exas saw a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan". The salesman was curious, so he bought a ticket. The tent went dark. Suddenly, trumpets blared, the lights came up, and all eyes turned to the center ring. There was revealed a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table was an old retired cowboy. Suddenly, the old cowboy unzipped his jeans, whipped it out, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Texan was carried off on their shoulders.
Ten years later, the salesman visits the same little town, and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same banner warning: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan". He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act. So he buys a ticket.
Again, when the center ring is illuminated, there stand the table and the old cowboy. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The old guy stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, whips it out, and smashes the coconuts with three amazing swings. The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the old Texan, "but I have to know something. You're older now, so why in the world would you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," says the old cowboy, "my eyes ain't what they used to be."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on January 20, 2008, 08:54:37 pm

Scottish Humour - single malt?

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a
pool with his cupped hand. The Scotsman shouts " Awa ya gowk yon's foo
O' coos skitter" (Translation - Don't drink the water you fool it's full
of cow s**t.)

The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand
you".

The Scotsman shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 20, 2008, 11:15:30 pm

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his butt!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fricking hurts doesn't it!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on January 21, 2008, 09:15:51 am

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, party and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay? "

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on January 21, 2008, 02:19:43 pm

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Shit! That must be my husband!"

So the guy quickly got out of bed scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man.

He smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returned and screams at the woman "I'm your husband, you sl*t!"

The woman yelled back, Yeah? Why were you running? You son of a bi*ch!

Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 21, 2008, 05:35:28 pm

A priest and a nun were traveling through the desert when there camel died suddenly. Alone and in the middle of nowhere they decided to sit and wait for help to come.
During the night they talked about stories of there life and what they had and hadn't done with their life. It is then that the preist asks the nun if she has ever had sex the nun replies "no". So the preist brings up the suggestion that since they are alone and in the middle of nowhere and could possibly die that perhaps they should try it.

Upon agreement the Priest flops out his pecker and says to the nun "This is the staff of life, it brings life to the dead".

In response the nun replies, "good go screw that dead camel so we can get the hell out of here."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 23, 2008, 09:13:27 pm

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy," But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 68pony on January 24, 2008, 09:37:45 am

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
> >
> >
> >
> > They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a
sudden?..
> >
> >
> >
> > "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet."
> >
> >
> >
> > "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee."
> >
> >
> >
> > So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune and there, in
the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
> >
> >
> >
> > There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
> >
> >
> >
> > "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree."
> >
> >
> >
> > "Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'
forget."
> >
> >
> >
> > "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree."
> >
> >
> >
> > And with that...Luis raced towards the tree. He got to within 5 metres, Pepe
following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down
in his tracks. It?s clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to
warn Pepe with his dying breath.
> >
> >
> >
> > "Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree."
> >
> >
> >
> > "Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
> >
> >
> >
> > "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Ees.....
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Ees.....
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Ees.....
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Ees, a Ham Bush"
> >

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on January 24, 2008, 10:38:18 am

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/mad%20pictures/threelegedpig.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on January 24, 2008, 12:24:20 pm

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.

The sign says:

"SEX FROGS"

Only $20 each!

Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

"LISTEN TO ME!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this

ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on January 25, 2008, 02:21:51 pm

I went to the cemetery yesterday and

there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin.

3 hours later they were still walking around with it.

I thought to myself :

"These buggers have lost the plot"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 25, 2008, 08:36:45 pm

An Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Scotsman says to the Englishman, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
"The Englishman crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on January 27, 2008, 02:19:21 am

whats green and turns red at the flick of a switch??

Kermit in a blender.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 68pony on January 28, 2008, 04:25:31 pm

> > Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the
telephone.
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but
there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has
burned to the ground. It is istimated the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone
by the ind of the week!!!'
> >
> >
> >
> > PM: 'Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted
babies - wi'll be ruined!'
> >
> >
> >
> > Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in
from...Brutain?...'
> >
> >
> >
> > PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!'
> >
> >
> >
> > Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia?'
> >
> >
> >
> > PM: 'I'll call Keeyvin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten
enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect the all
blacks!!'
> >
> >
> >
> > Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds
condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold.
> >
> >
> >
> > With small writing on each one.........MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on January 30, 2008, 08:35:58 am

How Adam got Eve

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion

and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,

and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children.

and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and

passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on January 30, 2008, 11:51:20 am

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING

DO NOT SWALLOW CHEWING-GUM !!

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/bublegumswallowers.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 30, 2008, 04:59:18 pm

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania),
Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.

They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.

The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The General Manager of XXXX smiles and says, "I'll have a XXXX Gold."

The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

The bloke from Cascade says, "I'll have a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager from Carlton
glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.

He just shrugs and says, "Well if you po0fters aren't drinking beer,

Then neither will I."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Miami on January 30, 2008, 05:25:30 pm

A man was stopped at a red light when a fantastic looking blonde pulled up beside him in a really hot 67 fastback.
Trying to start a conversation, the man asked, "Hey,..... how many horses you got under the hood?"
The blonde looked at the man bewildered, and replied, "Well,.... there's one on the left side, one on the right side, ....... and oh yeah, there's one on that little front thingy."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 31, 2008, 03:57:25 pm

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mudguts on February 03, 2008, 09:21:24 am

:+we should think of chicken jokes for hev:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on February 03, 2008, 06:21:15 pm

Maybe KFC can invent a "HEVEN BURGER" for hungry mustang drivers!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on February 03, 2008, 07:05:09 pm

Quote

Originally posted by R_Beckhaus
Maybe KFC can invent a "HEVEN BURGER" for hungry mustang drivers!

They already have a McMUDGUTS Ive heard!:+(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/mad%20pictures/canofworms.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mudguts on February 03, 2008, 10:14:57 pm

:w:w:w:w:w:w:w:wfinger licken good

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 03, 2008, 10:19:55 pm

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...

The 'asshole' is usually in charge!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mudguts on February 05, 2008, 10:49:22 pm

What do you call a car load of aboriginies in a mini?::

a jaffa.:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 05, 2008, 11:12:55 pm

How about some blonde jokes..

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
She wanted to get a dark tan.

What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?
"Just flush it like everybody else does."

Hear about the blonde explorer?
She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.

What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off of a cliff.

How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for french fries.

Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?
So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A space invader.

What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
Branch manager.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on February 07, 2008, 12:16:09 pm

You know I was just sitten the behind the wheel of heven and thought..............:_

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so posties can look for them while they deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
19. Last night I played a blank CD at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
20. Ever wonder about those people who spend $3 on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE
21. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

I think maybe I think too much!;)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on February 07, 2008, 12:50:19 pm

I GOTTA ADMIT THIS IS TRUE, iM NOT A TRAITOR BUT ITS TRUE!::

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South
Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.
The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The General Manager of XXXX smiles and says, "I'll have a XXXX Gold."
The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
The bloke from Cascade says, "I'll have a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager from Carlton glances at his lunch mates and says,
"I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.

He just shrugs and says, "Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer,
then neither will I."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 07, 2008, 06:53:42 pm

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

-------------------------------------------

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only..Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S . Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska

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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

-------------------------------------------

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:

61,000

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

------------------------------------------------------------------------

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

------------------------------------------------------------

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

-

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 200 7 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mudguts on February 08, 2008, 10:08:56 pm

few I need a drink after reading all that!
:2:2:2
good one mac:(

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 08, 2008, 10:45:42 pm

What is the ugly blonde's mating call?
"I said, 'I'm so drunk!'"

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Gets dressed and goes home.

What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

What did the blonde's mom say to her before she went out?
If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.

What's a blondes idea of natural childbirth?
No make-up.

How do you prevent a blonde from having sex?
Marry her.

What does a blonde make for dinner?
Reservations.

Why did the blonde have square boobs?
Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Did you hear about the blonde who got locked in the bathroom?
She was in there so long, she peed her pants.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 09, 2008, 10:51:04 pm

What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.

Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
They can't get eight cups of water into that little packet.

Why did the blonde only change her baby's Pampers twice a month?
Because the box said "for 18 to 24 pounds."

What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in the handicapped zone.

What do you call eight blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.

What did the blonde say when she got pregnant?
"Gee, I hope it's mine."

Why was the blonde excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in six months?
Because the box said 4 to 6 years.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted.

A blonde looked at her drivers license and got depressed when she saw that she got an "F" in sex.

How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 10, 2008, 08:31:30 pm

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!

How do you keep a blonde busy?
You give her a bottle of shampoo that says: "Lather, rinse, and repeat."

How do you keep a blonde busy?
You put her in a round room and tell her to go sit in the corner."

Why do blondes always have such big hair?
So they can catch things that are over their heads.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 bill. Who picks it up?
The dumb blonde! Because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on February 11, 2008, 09:55:11 pm

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for
assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"

Only one word leapt to mind...my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Ah Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/mad%20pictures/pontifron.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 11, 2008, 10:19:46 pm

Why did the blonde cross the road?
Don't know? Neither did she.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
Knock on the door.

Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the Sleeping Pills.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on February 12, 2008, 10:01:27 pm

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:

"Dddoooyouuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:

"Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks:

"Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,
tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuu..ccckkk.....inggg ttthingggg offffff?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 12, 2008, 10:04:36 pm

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
little packages.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A1: An interpreter.
A2: A translator.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 12, 2008, 11:10:20 pm

I'M BACK

.A woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing my husband! All he wants is anal sex and my rear end is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece!" Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $3,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?"
--

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 12, 2008, 11:12:17 pm

At a bar, a drunk says to a girl, "Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink." "Why?" "You're so frigging ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on February 13, 2008, 01:33:46 pm

The
Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 16, 2008, 09:50:47 pm

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling
idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: WHAT CAN SAVE A DYING BLONDE?
A: Hair transplants.

Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE?
A: Third Grade.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 17, 2008, 09:08:51 pm

Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate
chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little
packet.

Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what
she did with her cigarette.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 17, 2008, 11:19:04 pm

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up & down and replies, "You're frigging sense of humour!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 18, 2008, 09:39:24 pm

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air pockets.

Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain
surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"

Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: DID YOU HEAR BOUT THE BLONDE WHO COULN'T WAIT TO SEE "20,000 LEAGUES UNDER
THE SEA"?
A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many
teams.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WHO STOOD IN FRONT OF A MIRROR WITH HER EYES
CLOSED?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on February 19, 2008, 06:32:23 pm

You know you're Australian if …
1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.
4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".
11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.
12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".
15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.
20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.
23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".
25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.
26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.
30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".
32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies".
35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".
36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.
37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".
43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 19, 2008, 07:21:23 pm

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL FOR BLONDES?
A: They take off their makeup.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A: Divorced.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and
a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell
if they're going to work or coming home.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: FST68 on February 21, 2008, 05:35:17 pm

> A boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
> The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
>
> So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
>
> The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
>
> The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
>
> The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him
in a heart beat! Are you nuts?!?"
>
> The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
>
> "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"
>
> The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his
dad.
>
> His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically? The boy replied, "Yes...
> Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but
Realistically, we're living with two slu ts and a p00f."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 21, 2008, 09:38:10 pm

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine." "Cold food," she said, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but whinge since you got here..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 22, 2008, 02:56:07 am

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it
blown around too much.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: What's a blondes' favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents
occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her
husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on February 22, 2008, 11:04:24 am

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Army Sergeant-Major and asked:-
"Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said:-
"Yes, dear, I sure do. You wore that negligee the night we were married."
Sh said "yes, but do you remember what you said when you saw me in it that night?"
"I sure do! I said Oh Baby I'm gonna suck the life out of these boobs and then screw your brains out."
She giggled and said "So, now, 50 years on, I'm wearing the same negligee. What do you say now?"
He looked her up and down and said "Mission Accomplished!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on February 22, 2008, 12:05:24 pm

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on February 22, 2008, 12:07:09 pm

This is a short one!
A GOOD GIGGLE.....

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

"Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 22, 2008, 09:20:17 pm

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my Mustang?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been that drives a Fastback. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a car that will out run yours, a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your little Japanese plastic 4 door in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine and the buckle on my gun belt is Mustang.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 26, 2008, 05:23:51 pm

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde.

"They're watch dogs!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 28, 2008, 08:41:27 pm

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 28, 2008, 10:11:59 pm

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.
We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said .
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.. Then she gestured to a 92-year old w oman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 29, 2008, 06:24:28 pm

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 01, 2008, 01:42:00 pm

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 01, 2008, 01:49:37 pm

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - pay me a compliment!" He replies, "You have perfect eyesight!":+:+:+:+:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 01, 2008, 05:21:12 pm

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 02, 2008, 11:43:59 am

Written by a GRANDMA mustang driver.

The other day I drove the coupe up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'for the love of God, GO! GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader
he was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle
finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 03, 2008, 09:01:00 pm

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?" Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting.... " Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 03, 2008, 10:25:57 pm

JMD, Hev beat ya to that one on the 22/2

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 04, 2008, 07:37:43 am

It;s getting hard to remember with so many.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on March 04, 2008, 04:28:03 pm

Hey JMD we must have a common link in our joke network!
I ought to put you on my joke email list and we will see who it is!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on March 04, 2008, 08:18:53 pm

Dearest Redneck Daughter,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not too sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried and hot because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on March 04, 2008, 08:21:04 pm

Irish Burial At Sea

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.'

The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye it 'tis, hand me DA shovel.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on March 04, 2008, 08:25:26 pm

The absolute best Little Johnnie joke

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f#@ked if he needed glasses'.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on March 04, 2008, 08:30:48 pm

An Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like
an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was
rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see
a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him
and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car
and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and
the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then,
just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and
turned the wheel.

John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through
the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so,
gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying
and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy
night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
the other..."Look Paddy...there's that f....... idiot who got in the car
while we were pushing it." !!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 05, 2008, 04:53:21 pm

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
:2:2:2:2

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 05, 2008, 06:41:16 pm

One day Kyle's dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?"
Kyle answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today".
Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face.
His dad told him, "Son this robot is special in that it can detect a Lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth.
Why are you late?"
"Dad, I went to a movie"
"Which movie?"
"The Ten Commandments"
Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the robot.
"Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen".
"Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved" Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing the last sentence, Kyle's mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, "After all he is YOUR son!!!"
To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle's mother a resounding slap on her face!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on March 06, 2008, 01:11:43 pm

Hope this will give you a chuckle, have a good day!!

What Religion is Your Bra?

Omer walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife, Anne-Mae"
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires Omer, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose."
Relieved, Omer asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, Omer asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple.... "

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!

Send this to all that will appreciate it!

They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 06, 2008, 05:40:22 pm

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
:2:2:2:2:2

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 06, 2008, 08:28:47 pm

You Do The Math...

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 06, 2008, 10:49:24 pm

Probably been posted, but still worthwhile.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 07, 2008, 09:03:48 pm

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat,leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of l ittle boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when ;Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 07, 2008, 09:10:40 pm

Q)How many female activist does it take to change a light bulb?
A)2, One to do it, and one to b..tch about it

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 08, 2008, 02:31:24 pm

A farmer finds his son behind the barn pulling his pud, and the old man exclaims, "Son, if you are old enough to do that, then you are old enough to get married."
The next day the farmer takes his son across the hollow and arranges a wedding between his boy and the neighbor's daughter. The two are soon married and move in with the groom's father.
The next morning, the farmer goes behind the barn again and discovers his son flailing away, just as before. "Son, I got you married so you wouldn't have to do that!"

"Ah, pa, she ain't got no grip at all..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 08, 2008, 08:17:15 pm

In the time when Adam and Eve had sex for first time ever. After their lustful act was over, Eve went to the stream to clean herself up. As she is washing up, she hears a big booming voice coming from the Heavens above.

"For God's sake Eve, how am I going to get that smell out of the fish now?!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 09, 2008, 01:29:47 pm

Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and
scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom
standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and
groaning, "I want a man, I want a man." Shaking his head in bewilderment,
Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third
night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there
is a man in bed with his mom.
Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest
and groans " I want a bike, I want a bike."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 09, 2008, 05:20:13 pm

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there ."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them,
licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on March 12, 2008, 10:51:36 am

A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He Became very depressed
because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that required two
arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself,
I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he
was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and
was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now
knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up His heels again.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Red71 on March 12, 2008, 11:11:56 am

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU'.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 12, 2008, 04:48:19 pm

The Perfect Woman

Quotes From The Perfect Woman:

1.) "I'll swallow it all...I just love the taste!"
2.) "Are you sure you've had enough beer?"
3.) "I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!"
4.) "Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good ####o movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!"
5.) "If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!"
6.) "I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?"
7.) "You're so sexy when you're hung over."
8.) "I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping."
9.) "Let's subscribe to Hustler."
10.) "Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?"
11.) "Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses."
12.) "I'll be out painting the house."
13.) "I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too."
14.) "Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!"
15.) "I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house."
16.) "No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed."
17.) "Your mother did a great job raising you."
18.) "Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself new clubs."
19.) "I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever."
20.) "Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?"
21.) "Not the censored Aing mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!" 22.) "Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8."
23.) "You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings."
24.) "That was a great fart! Do another one!"
25.) "I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya!"
26.)You go put your feet up, i'll polish the Mustang."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on March 12, 2008, 07:28:41 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
The Perfect Woman

Quotes From The Perfect Woman:

1.) "I'll swallow it all...I just love the taste!"
2.) "Are you sure you've had enough beer?"
3.) "I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!"
4.) "Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good ####o movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!"
5.) "If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!"
6.) "I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?"
7.) "You're so sexy when you're hung over."
8.) "I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping."
9.) "Let's subscribe to Hustler."
10.) "Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?"
11.) "Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses."
12.) "I'll be out painting the house."
13.) "I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too."
14.) "Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!"
15.) "I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house."
16.) "No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed."
17.) "Your mother did a great job raising you."
18.) "Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself new clubs."
19.) "I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever."
20.) "Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?"
21.) "Not the censored Aing mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!" 22.) "Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8."
23.) "You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings."
24.) "That was a great fart! Do another one!"
25.) "I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya!"
26.)You go put your feet up, i'll polish the Mustang."

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
Watch the ballss go round and round and roundandroundandroundandroundadroundanrounandroadun......

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on March 13, 2008, 06:14:59 pm

Golf Skirts

An Aussies missus steps up to the tee, and as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt obove her waist,m revealing her lack of knickers. "Bloody hell, woman! Why aren't you wearing undies?" her hubby demanded.

"Because your'e too tight fisted and don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford them!"

The Aussie pulls out his wallet, peels out a $50 note and says "Here you are, go for it."

Next, an Irisman's wife bends over to tee her ball, and her skirt is also blown up to reveal naked private parts. Th Irishman cries out "By Jaysus woman, Where's yer decency? Why aren'
you wearing your underwrar?"

"Because, I swear on me mother's grave,yer too cheap to buy me any" So he reaches into his pocket, pulls out a $20 note and says "Take this and stop embarrassing me!

Finally a Scot's wife bends over to place her ball and the unkind wind reveals her absence of panties, too. The Scot is truly indignant and says" Och Woman, why are ye so indecent?"

"YE dinna give me enough money to be wasting any on drawers" So the Scot reaches into his pocket and says "Well, for the love of decency, Here's me comb,....Tidy yersel up a wee bit"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 13, 2008, 07:22:44 pm

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey'
asked the blonde Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed: ' Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 13, 2008, 07:26:22 pm

Views: Last Post:
JOKES.....One liners (Pages: 1 2 .. 15) HEVEN67 Forum News 705 10000 views on 13-3-2008 at 16:22

Now that has to be a record......

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on March 13, 2008, 08:12:23 pm

(http://i173.photobucket.com/albums/w41/mach70/6thsense.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 13, 2008, 09:36:29 pm

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt. "If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt." "I do not understand," said the other. The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish." I said, "No sh t?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 14, 2008, 10:04:23 pm

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed, "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow ,"What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse... ALONE."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time... bring POSSE!!”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 15, 2008, 12:45:35 am

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.?She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.?Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? 'What's wrong?

I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on March 15, 2008, 09:43:13 am

There's a new kind of Vibrator on the market. It's supposed to be almost PERFECTLY life-like.....
30 seconds before the woman climaxes, it shudders spasmodically, farts , lites up a smoke and rolls over and snores!:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 15, 2008, 06:40:00 pm

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Red71 on March 15, 2008, 09:06:16 pm

A guy is walking along Bondi beach when he stubs his toe on something. When he looks down he sees something shiny, so he digs it out and discovers it’s a lantern. He rubs the lantern and to his amazement a Genie pops out.

“Thank you for releasing me” says the Genie, “I will grant you three wishes”.

The guy asks the Genie if he has to ask for all 3 wishes immediately or can he think about them. “Take as much time as you need, I can come back whenever you want”.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, “actually, I know what I want as my 1st wish – I want you to sink New Zealand 500 meters below the ocean”.

“Are you sure”? exclaimed the Genie – “ Do you know what will happen”?

“Yes I do - and that is what I want as my 1st wish” replies the guy.

With that the Genie grants him his wish and New Zealand is sunk 500 meters below the ocean.

“What would you like as your 2nd wish”? asks the Genie.

“Come back in 1 week and I will give you my 2nd wish”. With that the Genie disappears.

A week passes and the Genie reappears. “What is your 2nd wish”? he asks.

The reply is “I want you to raise New Zealand back out of the ocean”. With that the Genie raises New Zealand back out of the ocean.

“What is your 3rd wish”? asks the Genie.

“Come back in a week” says the guy.

Another week passes and the Genie reappears. “What is your 3rd wish”? he asks.

“I want you to sink New Zealand 500 meters below the ocean”.

“Now wait”, says the Genie. “First you make me sink New Zealand which resulted in every New Zealander drowning and then you make me raise New Zealand, and now you want me to sink it again – what is going on”?

The guy laughs and says “I just want to make sure that we get the rest of them, because by now they will all be back in New Zealand for the funerals”.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 16, 2008, 06:08:39 pm

A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for dicks. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10."
The husband says, "What about one my size?"

His wife responds, "Didn't get a bid," and then laughs to herself.

The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."

His wife says, "What about ones like mine?"

The husband smiles and says, "That's where they held the auction."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 16, 2008, 09:48:36 pm

The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine Walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, Middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the Only seat remaining. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was Under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little Dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American In his place !"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b itch out the window."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on March 17, 2008, 08:19:10 am

JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD THE 'BEST BLONDE JOKE' EVER, ALONG COMES THIS.

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for
her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she
probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me
to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?' The blonde said, 'I
want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath
so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?' The blonde said, 'No, just up
to my tits. I can splash it on my face'.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 17, 2008, 07:41:41 pm

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior, "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was ," sighed the Sister."And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to
Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blasp heme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 20, 2008, 05:09:21 pm

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f..king lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 23, 2008, 08:00:53 pm

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asked. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman. "Fair enough," said the boss.

"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stared into space for a while then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred. So, when do I start?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on March 28, 2008, 10:35:58 am

A robber walks into the bank and joins the queue, as soon as he reaches the front of the counter he pulls out a gun and a bag and says to the teller “Don’t make any fuss just give the money and you won’t get hurt”

The teller looks around and say the robber “Are you crazy look at all these people they are all seeing what you’re doing”

To which he replies “Just do it, no one knows what’s happening”

The teller stuffs the bag with money and hands it to the robber who turns around and walks up to the next customer in line and asked him “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The customer replies “Yes” …bang the robber shot him dead

He walks up the next customer and asked the same question” Did you see me rob this bank?”

The customer replies “Yes” …bang the robber shot him dead.

He walks up the next customer and asked the same question” Did you see me rob this bank?”

The customer replies “No but my wife did”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on March 28, 2008, 10:36:42 am

Amy, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning,
on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The
insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.

So that you know which cow has to be inseminated, I will drive a nail
into the 2X4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him
where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the rancher leaves
for the fields.

When the artificial insemination man arrives, Amy takes him down to
the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the
nail, she confidently tells him, "This is the one... right here."

The inseminator, who had at first considered her to be just another
ditzy blonde, is impressed. "Tell me little lady, how did you know
that this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its
stall," Amy explains very confidently.

"What's the nail for?" he asks.
Amy shrugs. "I guess it's to hang your pants on..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on March 28, 2008, 10:37:48 am

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every
time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 28, 2008, 03:06:47 pm

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, slim, redheaded woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 28, 2008, 03:29:41 pm

What, Exactly, Are Cats?
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave their hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 28, 2008, 05:53:16 pm

You may find this helpful around the house/garage....

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
senseless.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: paulr on March 28, 2008, 06:41:32 pm

I think I have used most of those tools at some
time or other!:+:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 28, 2008, 08:07:53 pm

What do you call a female sex change?
An addadictomy!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on March 28, 2008, 11:13:32 pm

the toolman is accurate.:w;x

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mudguts on March 29, 2008, 06:06:53 am

:w:w:wgood one:(

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 29, 2008, 12:37:38 pm

Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 29, 2008, 06:28:33 pm

John gets home from work one day and finds his pretty blonde wife has been crying.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."
"WHAT!!" he shouts.
With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to the doctor's office, straight through the reception. Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of
giving another lady an examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, John charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert, how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!!"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but there has been a misunderstanding. I told your wife she has Acute Angina."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 30, 2008, 06:40:09 pm

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men... that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over their eyes...

After a few days they meet again...

The engaged girlfriend "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 centimetre stilettos and mask. He saw me he said 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'. Then we made love all night long".

The mistress "Ah! Me too! The other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything... but we still had wild sex all night".

The married one "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes... my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: "Alright Batman, what's for dinner?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 30, 2008, 07:18:36 pm

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctors office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only
just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the
washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 30, 2008, 08:14:24 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctors office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only
just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the
washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

I seriously have doubts?:+:w:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on March 30, 2008, 09:28:41 pm

;x"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist "
"As most women do,"
"The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. "

I Bet it was!;_

In Ya Chris!..........ooops...sorry On Ya I ment!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 31, 2008, 10:41:36 pm

Captain Diego Montoya Garcia, of the spanish Armada flagship "Quando" was on the deck one day when his first mate ran up to him and cried "Captain! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"
Captain Diego turned a calm eye to his mate and said "Bring me my red shirt."
The first mate ran and got the captains red shirt, which he put on.
A fierce battle raged and the Quando was victorious. After the battle, the first mate asked the captain "Sir, why do you don a red shirt before battle?"
The captain yawned bravely and said "If I am wounded in battle, the men will not see me bleeding, and they will be inspired."
The mate was in awe of his wise captain. Just then, another crewman ran up to the captain and cried "Captain! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"
The captain turned to his first mate and ordered "Bring me my brown pants."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 01, 2008, 05:21:55 pm

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
;w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 01, 2008, 08:45:44 pm

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be
happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?", asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Good - She's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 02, 2008, 04:31:58 pm

Long & Green
Q:What is long, green, and has cum in it?

A: A cucumber

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 03, 2008, 04:01:40 pm

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren and drive our Mustangs. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 04, 2008, 05:11:51 pm

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guy's wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn't find any jewellery from the girl. When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?" "No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you." "Hide it? where?" asked the guy," I saw them search you too." "I slipped it into my... a... my... um.... pee pee place." said the girl shyly. "Damn!" swore the guy, "If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 04, 2008, 05:57:04 pm

Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If a Mustang was motoring down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'
Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Douglas replied, 'The same place you got that fooking Mustang!' ...

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 04, 2008, 06:08:33 pm

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "all right, get in."
--

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 04, 2008, 06:40:20 pm

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item pays the $500 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Friday at Noon.
Closed coffin.

:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 05, 2008, 10:38:13 am

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?" Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do." The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. "Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?" "Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 05, 2008, 11:31:10 am

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She
wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic
devices?"
He hadn't - and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a
towel and our big Radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find
out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up &down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes ....." he replied -

OOOH - Now this is going to kill you

OOOOH - You're gonna hate me for this -
but it will make your day!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 05, 2008, 05:07:23 pm

One Wednesday, little Billy went to school. The teacher said, "For the next three days, I will be asking a trivia question, if anyone answers any of them correctly, they won't have to come to school on Monday.

The first question was, "How many grains of sand are on all the world's beaches?" No one knew, not even little Billy. Suddenly, a paper airplane flew across the room. "Okay," said the exasperated teacher, "who's the comedian with the paper airplane?" No one knew, not even little Billy.

On Thursday, the question was, "How many stars are there in the Milky Way?" No one knew, not even little Billy. Suddenly, a gigantic, phlegm soaked spit wad embedded itself on the blackboard behind the teacher. "Okay," exclaimed the frustrated teacher, "who's the comedian with the spit wad?" No one knew, not even little Billy.

On Friday, little Billy brought to school with him two, large, black bowling balls and hid them under his desk. At the precise moment before the teacher asked the day's trivia question, Billy rolled the two bowling balls down the aisle and they struck the wall behind the teacher with a massive jolt. "Okay," huffed the now infuriated teacher, "who's the comedian with the big black balls?" Little Billy answered quickly,

"Eddie Murphy, see you next Tuesday."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 05, 2008, 05:34:45 pm

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 06, 2008, 02:06:38 pm

A grandfather always made a special effort with his grandchildren. Many Sunday mornings he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the Mustang for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, grandma came to the rescue and said that she would take the grandchild out. It wasn't very often she got he hands on the fastback. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see Pop Pop.
'Well,' the grandfather asked, 'did you enjoy your ride with Nana? '
'Oh yes, Pop Pop' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shithead!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 07, 2008, 07:02:31 pm

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what -
metal, wood, stone - everything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. The third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?? :::+:::+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 07, 2008, 09:01:42 pm

A contestant on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$32,000 milestone money.
As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover:
Eddy said, Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly, 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Eddy any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
'I need an answer,' said Eddy.
'C: The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Regis.
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
Two seconds later, Regis said, 'I regret to inform you that the answer is....absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!'
A few days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant.
'Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on!' said the blonde. 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on April 09, 2008, 02:49:30 pm

Mood ring !!!!

MENOPAUSE/PMS JEWELLRY

A husband, being unhappy with his wifes mood swings,

Bought her a mood ring the other day so he would be

Able to monitor her moods.

they soon discovered that when she is in a good mood, it

Turns green. When in a bad mood, it leaves a big

censored Ain' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy her a diamond. .

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 09, 2008, 03:02:42 pm

Archeological Gag

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 09, 2008, 08:44:12 pm

A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life.
"Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest fags in America?" comes from the CB. The Roadway driver
replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your brother." Well the Roadway driver gets
annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see."

Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB
and says "Hey other truck, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 09, 2008, 09:53:58 pm

Factory Girl

What's the definition of innocence?
A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making little sleeping bags for mice.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 10, 2008, 07:17:17 pm

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on April 11, 2008, 09:45:17 am

A stranger was seated next To a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker If you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, what would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the Stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - yet a deer excretes Little pellets, while a cow turns out
a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by The little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do You really feel qualified to discuss Nuclear power when you don't know Shit?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 11, 2008, 04:59:18 pm

According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you. They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
Ain't that the truth.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 12, 2008, 11:11:28 am

Subject: 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on April 12, 2008, 06:51:15 pm

Quote

Originally posted by jmd1
According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you. They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
Ain't that the truth.

Who are "they"? How do they know?:*

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 12, 2008, 08:50:35 pm

Quote

Originally posted by HEVEN67
Quote
Originally posted by jmd1
According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you. They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
Ain't that the truth.

Who are "they"? How do they know?:*

Hev
Isn't it obvious? They are the guru's We all know about those blokes.:+:+:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 12, 2008, 08:59:30 pm

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "I opened a can of peas instead."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 12, 2008, 08:59:52 pm

Instructions for Life in the new millennium from the Dalai Lama:

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, dont lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Always laugh at Heven's jokes.

7. When you realize youve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day with your Fastback.

9. Open your arms to change, but dont let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, youll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Dont bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. Its a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth and use good fuel in your stroker.

16. Once a year, go some place youve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

20. Always let the exhaust and heads cool off before changing the plugs on your Windsor.

21. Beware of Chinese copies.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 13, 2008, 02:15:26 pm

Two Aboriginals were driving their old Ford Falcon in the outback one
day, when off in the distance they saw a police booze bus.

One of them thinks 'this is great' and heads straight for it.

As they pulled up, the driver winds his window down and says
'Two cans of Emu Export thanks mate!'

The copper looks at him and says 'You must be drunk! Get out of the
car and blow into this tube for me.'

The driver got out of the car and said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in
that. I got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass
out if I blow in that.'

The cop looks at him and with a bemused look and says 'OK In these
cases we require you to give a blood sample.'

'Nah nah sorry boss. Can't be doin' that. I got a letter from the Red
Cross saying I'm a Haemophiliac and I could bleed to death. Sorry
boss, can't do that,' said the driver.

By now the copper is getting fairly irate and finally demands a urine
sample for testing. The driver looks at him and says 'Sorry boss,
can't do that either.'

The copper says 'Surely you can't have a letter for that!!!'

'Bloody oath mate.' says the driver, 'It's from Kevins government.
Says that you whites can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 13, 2008, 03:24:27 pm

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's big shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

"Didn't you say, to the Policeman at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the solicitor. Seamus responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Policeman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move".

"However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes".

"Then he came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, And said, 'How are you feeling? Now what the fook would you say?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 13, 2008, 04:25:16 pm

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.
But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 13, 2008, 06:56:57 pm

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor - she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on April 13, 2008, 07:52:27 pm

What do Gay guys and Bungee jumpers have in common?

If thr rubber breaks\, they are in deep SHlT!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 14, 2008, 07:33:04 pm

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus... an old lady who looks as if she is about to die. An old friend who once saved your life. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

- You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
- Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
- However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

HOWEVER, the correct answer is: Leave the old bag to fend for herself, have sex with the hottie on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 15, 2008, 04:04:55 pm

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. She drives him back in her 66 Mustang, they park by the beach and have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, back at her place, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 15, 2008, 05:03:17 pm

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where Are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 16, 2008, 04:49:30 pm

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Find the Mustang emblem on your car which faces the wrong way.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ..

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 16, 2008, 05:45:51 pm

New Lifesavers' Flavour

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association.

''I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,'' she tells the children.

So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, ''What flavor is that?''

The whole class answers, ''Mmmm, that's cherry.''

''Very good,'' the teacher replies.

So she gives them all a grape and they reply, ''Mmm, that's grape.''

''Very good,'' she says again.

Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says, ''OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.''

Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, ''Spit 'em out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!''

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 17, 2008, 07:16:34 pm

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of
panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that .After the girls did their business they
proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'That's nothing 'said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on April 17, 2008, 07:36:21 pm

Quote

Originally posted by jmd1
Quote
Originally posted by HEVEN67
Quote
Originally posted by jmd1
According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you. They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
Ain't that the truth.

Who are "they"? How do they know?:*

Hev
Isn't it obvious? They are the guru's We all know about those blokes.:+:+:+

Oh OK! I thought "THEY" were the aliens from the department of experimental said so.

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/mad%20pictures/aliens.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 18, 2008, 09:21:06 pm

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new mustang.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on April 20, 2008, 08:29:17 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

:w

Marrige is GRAND......Divorce is a hundred GRAND.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Andrew07 on April 22, 2008, 09:20:00 am

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted" & low & behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends & bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a Prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that you, his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark"; came the reply.

Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me again."

Christian replied," No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed"

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 22, 2008, 12:25:51 pm

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 25, 2008, 09:05:49 pm

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 29, 2008, 03:32:33 pm

> A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the Most
> embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:
>
> 4th Place
> While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
> some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab
> hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
> patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right
> now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and
> said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now,
> I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.' After
> this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers
> stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and
> walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard
> as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
>
> 3rd Place
> It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my
> parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over
> for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard
> the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I
> give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to
> miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the
> bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of
> people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family parents, grand parents,
> aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My
> girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and
> embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my
> family has planned any surprise parties.
>
> 2nd Place
> A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got
> up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
> The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out
> across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax
> supersize.'
> But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently
> misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks' , and replied in a business
> like tone, his
> voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind
>
> you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.
>
> 1st Place
> And the winner is . . ..
> This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology
> lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in
> semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you
> correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in
> sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some
> statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why
> doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst
> out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised
> exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and
> without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was
> heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally
> straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet
> because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and
> not in the back of your throat'.

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 29, 2008, 03:33:31 pm

Old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.

Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and
down, and the old boy says "You must love that, you haven't left it alone,
since we got back."

The bride replied, "Not really, I just miss mine."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 03, 2008, 09:10:54 am

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007 - Police called, SOG team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge> them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's Mustang and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist and is featured on A Current Affair then on 60 minutes.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for Jims mowing for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red bull ants nest.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, POlice explosives involved, ASIO called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again with QANTAS

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and makes a heap on the tv royalties and New Idea money.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 04, 2008, 11:48:57 pm

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. 'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd.

Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me..." So the Pope slapped her.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 04, 2008, 11:57:40 pm

Games to play when we're older:

1. Sag, you're it.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
6. You are older than your Mustang.

Thoughts for the weekend
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising! children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember:
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart.

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 05, 2008, 02:27:51 pm

;+;+;+;+To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 05, 2008, 07:47:33 pm

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to 'search.' Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "Good boy" and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. "That's pretty cool," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?" The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 2+266 on May 05, 2008, 09:44:26 pm

why do p$#fters wear ribbed condoms? to give them more traction in the mud!!!!!!!!!!!!:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 06, 2008, 04:50:38 pm

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the
agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

:f

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 06, 2008, 04:57:40 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the
agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

:f

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 06, 2008, 05:11:11 pm

Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maoris.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Maoris on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Maoris don't buy a ticket at all!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie. "Watch and learn bro," answers a Maori.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Maoris leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

:w:w:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 06, 2008, 09:59:44 pm

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese

That's not right! Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Ha i Ding

See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Fuk

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great Fa Kin Su Pa

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 07, 2008, 05:05:52 pm

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says "I see... take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor" she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly." The doctor says "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses let's work on your hearing..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: paulr on May 07, 2008, 07:55:22 pm

This post is so far from one liners now.
Its going off guys.Keep it up!:a:a:a

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 07, 2008, 09:56:32 pm

Women's Love Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Mens Love Poem

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing, driving the Mustang and hunting.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a chit.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 08, 2008, 06:59:07 pm

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Geez, were they ALL dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
--

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 10, 2008, 03:46:38 pm

The IRS decides to audit Roger, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Roger shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Roger. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Roger says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Roger removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Roger says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Roger isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Roger removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Roger's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Roger asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Roger stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Roger's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Roger told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 11, 2008, 08:57:43 am

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror, after a relaxing bath. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. "God... if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed. And just like that... her ears fell off

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 11, 2008, 10:06:29 am

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset -- "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!

And the husband began --

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she
was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, But don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas - the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 11, 2008, 01:44:48 pm

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the
morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain
out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't
you remember about three months ago when we broke down in your Mustang and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him,
and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 11, 2008, 06:16:44 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the
morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain
out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't
you remember about three months ago when we broke down in your Mustang and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him,
and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/mad%20pictures/angryman.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 11, 2008, 08:33:58 pm

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?" "Of course I am," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am - a friggking stunt driver?"
--

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 11, 2008, 08:48:15 pm

Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 11, 2008, 08:49:52 pm

"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter. The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?" "If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?" "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya? Would ya?" The assistant said: "Well, no."

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French?" "What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?" "Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?" The assistant replied: "Because you're in a hardware store you dick head!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 11, 2008, 09:23:01 pm

GRANDMA as a Senior Driver

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'for the love of God, GO! GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader
he was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle
finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 11, 2008, 09:44:18 pm

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick CUT'"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 12, 2008, 08:57:40 pm

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?" Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" The waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews." Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realising he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen. While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico! Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews." "Are you certain?" Al asked once again. "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!" "Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter, "...and all we have is orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews, and grape jews."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 12, 2008, 09:45:18 pm

There was a young vampire named Mabel

Whose periods were really quite stable

For every full moon

She would take out a spoon

And drink herself under the table.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 13, 2008, 05:28:30 pm

Bad day at the office

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Ft.Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest
.
Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my bum started to burn! I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my bum. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because my bum was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

From now on, whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 14, 2008, 09:19:34 pm

How Blonde Is She???

She was Soooooooo Blonde .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 15, 2008, 04:44:14 pm

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind began talk about their kids and their successes.
The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mustang for his birthday.
The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travel agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion, specially for his friend.
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons.
The fourth friend who earlier had gone to the restroom returned and asked:
What's going on? What are all the congratulations for?
One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.
And then he asked, What about your son?
The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.
The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.
The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too.
Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mustang from his three boyfriends.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 15, 2008, 05:05:01 pm

Lightbulbs... Male Chauvinists

How many male chauvinists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Let the b..ch cook in the dark
:*:*:*:+:+:w:w:w:w:w:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 17, 2008, 05:19:42 pm

Now that the Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has finally said 'Sorry', the Aboriginal union is holding a meeting tomorrow to decide whether to end their 220 year strike and start working...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 18, 2008, 09:09:57 pm

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 19, 2008, 06:31:02 pm

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter." Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never!" replies Dave. "Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave, wake up you drunken bastard! You've sh.t the bed!".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 19, 2008, 06:50:33 pm

Quote

Originally posted by jmd1
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter." Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never!" replies Dave. "Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave, wake up you drunken bastard! You've sh.t the bed!".

..........................

.....................................REPEAT....................................................

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 19, 2008, 07:17:42 pm

Quote

Originally posted by HEVEN67
Quote
Originally posted by jmd1
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter." Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never!" replies Dave. "Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave, wake up you drunken bastard! You've sh.t the bed!".
..........................

.....................................REPEAT...............................................
Sorry Hev but it is getting hard to remember......

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 19, 2008, 07:19:24 pm

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? Everybody won.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 19, 2008, 07:21:13 pm

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license and my Mustang...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 19, 2008, 07:27:15 pm

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?" With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
--

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 19, 2008, 08:57:24 pm

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.
"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive",she said.
"Well,"said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought his was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, her husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow
job. About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.
The husband looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 20, 2008, 04:37:22 pm

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm... How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 21, 2008, 04:33:33 pm

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her solicitor she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over K-Mart.
'K-Mart?' the solicitor exclaimed.
'Why K-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week and stay longer than 5 minutes.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on May 21, 2008, 04:53:15 pm

A black man goes to a doctor with a problem - he can't stop jogging!
'Hey white doctor' says the blackman 'what ya think is makin' me run all over the place. The doctor says' got me beat but hey I might have a cure'
To cure the man, the doctor puts two lines of white powder on his desk and tells him to snort them.

The black man does what the doctor says and immediately after, he stops dead still.

'Puck me drunk. Is that cocaine?' he asks the doctor.

'No' the doctor replies. 'It's OMO - guaranteed to stop coloureds from running.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on May 21, 2008, 04:53:51 pm

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he
started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

Oh , yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope.........just when it's raining.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 22, 2008, 03:46:56 pm

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

;+

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 22, 2008, 04:05:34 pm

Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady's been pregnant for some time, and now her time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said,

"Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you a son! Aint dat just grand"? Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished up yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you a daughter!
She a pretty lil ting, too." Boudreaux was kind of puzzled by all this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, " Boudreaux, you just had yourself another boy!"

When Boudreaux and Marie went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we runned out of dat dere Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do." "Man", Boudreaux said, "it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 22, 2008, 06:27:49 pm

An 18-year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature, distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 23, 2008, 07:42:11 pm

Two gay guys share a flat. One comes home to find his partner with his arse in the freezer. "What u doin?" he asks. "Thought you may like a cold one after work...";x;x

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 24, 2008, 04:56:21 pm

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work.
She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies.
They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 25, 2008, 09:57:47 am

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" "No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 26, 2008, 10:40:45 pm

The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?'
Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'
Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispers.'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 27, 2008, 07:18:11 pm

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 28, 2008, 09:13:01 pm

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's getting naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, ten thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson. ok, shoot at will.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly,' I think I can save you ten grand here.....'

:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 29, 2008, 08:54:43 pm

For those of you who may not be completely aware of John Hinckley, who he is, what he did, and why, here's a little history. John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan many years back. John was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and extremely jealous as well, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself known to her, attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

With that in mind... the staff at the mental facility treating John Hinckley reports intercepting the following letter from Bill Clinton:

To: John Hinckley
From: Bill Clinton

Dear John, Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land. Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes, Bill & Hillary Clinton

PS: Barack Obama is screwing Jodie Foster.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 29, 2008, 10:02:43 pm

1. IF YOU HAVE TO USE THE BACK DOORS OF YOUR CAR YOU KNOW YOUR MUSTANG ISN'T WORKING SOMEHOW.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

4. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

5. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

6. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 30, 2008, 03:19:56 pm

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk.She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 30, 2008, 03:43:01 pm

A BLOKE who’d just finished reading a book called Be the Man of Your House stormed into the kitchen and told his wife, “From now on you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going upstairs with me and we will have any kind of sex I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. And tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The funeral director?” replied his wife.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 30, 2008, 10:19:32 pm

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps Ill be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he ll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters 'u-n-t?'"
Only one word leapt to mind...
"My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."
The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 01, 2008, 12:54:28 pm

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood!" as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: LEE H 69 on June 01, 2008, 05:11:27 pm

Back man waiting for a bus,
busting for a crap, there is no one around so decides to squat down and and lay a big brown turd,
stands up and steps to one side.
Bus comes along, black man asks the driver "how much to go to town"
Bus driver responds " one dollar, ........and 50 cents for your son"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: LEE H 69 on June 01, 2008, 05:20:05 pm

WARNING
Please be aware that delivering babies by caesarean section can affect kids for life,
A friend of mine was born that way, and even today some 40 yrs later, when ever he parks his car
he climbs out through the sun roof

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 01, 2008, 05:51:10 pm

Useless Facts

1. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

2. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

3. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

4. Every time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie.

5. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

6. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

7. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

8. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; '7' was selected after the original 7-ounce containers and 'UP' for the direction of the bubbles.

9. 101 Dalmatians, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, and Mulan are the only Disney cartoons where both parents are present and don't die throughout the movie. .

10. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

11. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

12. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.

13. Reindeer like to eat bananas.

14. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.

15. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

16. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

17. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

18. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II Killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

19. More people are killed annually by donkeys than airplane crashes or driving their Mustangs.

20. A 'jiffy' is a unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

:a

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 01, 2008, 07:12:02 pm

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his new 2008 GT500 Mustang into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "Ford tinks of everything with these new MUstangs!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 01, 2008, 08:46:48 pm

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 02, 2008, 02:20:53 pm

JESUS was walking down the road one day when he saw a mob surrounding a prostitute. They were going to stone her, so Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
The crowd was shamed and began to turn away. Suddenly, a little woman made her way through the crowd, picked up a rock and threw it at the prostitute’s head.
Jesus sighed and said, “I wish you wouldn’t do that, Mum.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 02, 2008, 07:33:23 pm

The old Indian chief called for the two bravest warriors in the tribe.
"Running Buffalo, Falling Rocks, you go and seek buffalo skins. Whichever of you returns with the most skins will become my right hand man and will be the next chief."
A month later, Running Buffalo came back with nearly a hundred pelts.
Sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.
The tribe organized a search and looked everywhere, but they couldn't find the missing brave anywhere.
Today, as you drive through the West, you can see the evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this lost warrior. Throughout the highways, on interstates and side roads, you can still see their signs that say, 'Watch for Falling Rocks.'"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 03, 2008, 04:46:43 pm

TWO society women were discussing plastic surgery over lunch when the first one said, “I’m thinking about getting a boob job.”
“That’s so five minutes ago,” said the second one. “I’m planning on getting my arsehole bleached.”
“You know, I just can’t picture your husband as a blond,” replied her mate.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 03, 2008, 05:26:28 pm

The wife

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset -- "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!

And the husband began --

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she
was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, But don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas - the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 03, 2008, 05:42:17 pm

The note

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy.

The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
To Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy.

Her note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen.

His note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs.

Her note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
the Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand

His note read:

My Mussies my toy
and it gets some rubbin'
My pole i can save
for the next bit of lovin'

Her note read.

Sorry,
you can take your car - but not me.
Kitchen closed.

:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 03, 2008, 09:27:33 pm

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call!"

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman...

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says... "What the f.ck would they want with a plasterer??"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 04, 2008, 04:31:09 pm

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'
The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'

The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya. "

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 04, 2008, 06:40:27 pm

A shepherd made his yearly trip into town and stopped by the bar to get a drink. He was getting tired of his love life with his sheep and decided to try something different.

He asked the bartender, "Bartender, you got any women in this town?" "No, but we've got Old Wong the Chinaman" "I don't go for that sh.t!" "Okay, you asked, I answered."

So he goes back into the mountains and resumes his previous routine. The next year, he goes back into town and asks the same thing and gets the same reply. He says, "I told you! I don't go for that sh.t!" "Ok.", says the bartender.

He goes back into the mountains and this year he REALLY gets tired of f.cking those sheep! He just has to have something different. So he goes back into town and stops by the bar again and says, "Bartender, you got any women in this town?" Again the bartender says, "No, but we still got Old Wong the Chinaman." "I told you I don't go for that sh.t! But just in case I did, how much would it cost?" "$250.00" says the bartender. "$250.00! Why so much?" "Well there's $100.00 each for me and Charlie and $50.00 for Old Wong." "Why should I pay you and Charlie $100.00 each?" "Because somebody has to catch and hold Old Wong "Cause he don't go for that sh.t neither!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 04, 2008, 09:14:19 pm

I'll tell you a short poem; I'll try to make it quick.
You might think it quite harmless; You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple: The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things; You ladies should be jealous.
Ever since the early days, When it was small and hairless;
I've looked upon that bit of flesh, As something very precious.

It starts to grow dramatically, When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side; Your willy in between.
When erect it's quite a sight; A purple love machine.

It dangles neatly down below; Obedient and loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within; Awaiting some fresh soil.
At the slightest hint of lust, It's ready to uncoil.

It has a mind all of its own; It's like a wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out; When you expect it least.
You can't control its energy; You must wait 'til it's ceased.

Handle it with love and care; For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend? And when did you last measure?
Still, no matter what its length; It's something you should treasure.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves; Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off; Just when you wish it wouldn't.
Did that lady notice it? You blush and hope she couldn't.

Some people fret about its size; They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough? It makes blokes quite distraught.
They peek across in public loose, And try not to get caught.

Masturbating is a sin; That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales; Outdated and naive.
And if you're feeling tense or stressed, A quick wank does relieve.

Without this fabulous device, No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best; But must admit defeat.
And what a handy tool it is, When one needs to excrete.

The penis is quite marvelous; It has so many uses.
For women it is special too; Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated, From its sperm-filled juices.

And always it remains with you; Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, Or you'll be thrown in jail.
Just look at it and feel proud; And thank the lord you're male.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 04, 2008, 10:27:09 pm

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 05, 2008, 04:33:21 pm

If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One quarter." answered little Johnny. "You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head. Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 05, 2008, 04:50:03 pm

I've sure gotten old!

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine.
Bought my current Mustang during a mid life crisis 40 yrs ago.
I take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God my renewal keeps coming up and
I still have my driver's licence.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 05, 2008, 06:01:06 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
I've sure gotten old!

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine.
Bought my current Mustang during a mid life crisis 40 yrs ago.
I take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God my renewal keeps coming up and
I still have my driver's licence.

Bloody hell I"m glad that I can still get around without a walking frame. How come you know how to nuse a computer you poor old bugger. :w:w:w:w:w:w:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 05, 2008, 06:12:13 pm

The human body

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

1.. Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

2.. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg.

3.. The smallest is the male sperm.

4.. You use 200 muscles to take one step.

5.. The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

6.. Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

7.. A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.

8.. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

9.. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

10.. The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

11.. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

12.. The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

13.. Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

14.. At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

15.. There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

16.. Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

17.. The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

18.. Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before you are born.

19.. When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

20.. Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

21.. Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

22.. At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test ... now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well. You did it -- I KNOW you did !!!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 05, 2008, 06:40:22 pm

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLOKE WITH THREE BALLS?
A. A JUGGLER.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 05, 2008, 09:55:47 pm

THE GOLFING NUN.......

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior, "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was ," sighed the Sister."And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to
Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blasp heme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fvcking putt, didn't you?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on June 06, 2008, 03:19:48 pm

Jesus....Does he exist? I think so!
(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/jesusescapesboatcrash-1.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 06, 2008, 03:51:04 pm

A baby was born so advanced in development that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Why, yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father proudly answered. The baby motioned him closer, and then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "Frigging hurts, doesn't it!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 06, 2008, 03:57:56 pm

Mr. Common Sense

Mr. Sense had been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable Parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 06, 2008, 04:49:20 pm

How true is this.....
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mum, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

:_:_:_:_

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 06, 2008, 11:27:33 pm

Luigi (father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.'
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'
Luigi: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter..'
Son: 'Well, in that case . . . ok'

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates.
Luigi: 'I have a husband for your daughter...'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!'
Luigi: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok'

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!'
Luigi : 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok'

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 07, 2008, 08:51:43 pm

A man goes to a public golf course.

He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop
and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this:
We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it
works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself,
"I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No, sir. Use your 3 wood. A
driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the
ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on
the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna
break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No, sir. I do believe this green
will break right to left."

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.

But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever
played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf
caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How
was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week!"

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and
said, "Well,
the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

Confused, the golfer, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible."
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that
they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was
blinding to other golfers on the fairway. "

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 08, 2008, 07:48:44 pm

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!". His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker "It's not talcum powder... it's 'Miracle Grow'."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 08, 2008, 08:39:10 pm

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em pays up!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 08, 2008, 09:14:24 pm

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... two days... and then three days.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "Okay, I give up. Where's the f..king ship?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 09, 2008, 04:25:14 pm

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking
parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase . . In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank ~~~ our prayers have been answered!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on June 09, 2008, 11:13:41 pm

The best engine in the world is the pu55y.
It takes any size piston, is self lubricating
starts with 1 finger and every 4 weeks does its own oil change

its just a pity the management system is so f*&king temperamental.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 10, 2008, 04:33:52 pm

I know this is bad taste but,
Q. WHY DO FARTS SMELL SO BAD?
A. SO THE DEAF CAN ENJOY THEM TOO.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 10, 2008, 06:00:46 pm

Why I fired my Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me and we'll take your Mustang."
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 10, 2008, 06:48:58 pm

Q. WHAT HAS SIX LEGS AND RUNS AROUND IN CIRCLES?
A. A RAM MAKING A EWE TURN.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 10, 2008, 07:18:24 pm

Commit suicide

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said.
"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 11, 2008, 08:42:43 pm

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 13, 2008, 02:50:06 pm

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A large black man was sitting on the coach asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you one wish, but if you don't mind, I will keep the last one for myself.
"Wow, that's great" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life and a new Mustang each year after that."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life and now you young lady what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 13, 2008, 04:03:17 pm

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 14, 2008, 12:50:20 pm

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 14, 2008, 05:39:00 pm

Choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. So one day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky
and a Playboy magazine

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself, 'when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's gonna be a Labour politician!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 16, 2008, 08:26:06 pm

An Amish Farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond. The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Translated: "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.")

The kneeling man shouts back "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, then speak in the accursed English language."

The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 17, 2008, 06:20:16 pm

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 67STANG4ME on June 17, 2008, 08:08:28 pm

what do you call a fly with no wings??????????????

a walk :+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 17, 2008, 09:42:11 pm

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: warmride on June 22, 2008, 06:42:53 pm

An Alsatian went to a post office wanting to send a telegram.
He took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The postal clerk examined the form and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price."
"But," said the dog, "that would make no sense at all."

Warmride

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 22, 2008, 07:25:41 pm

I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband! The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 25, 2008, 10:07:10 pm

A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up pregnant. Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.

And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.

After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter. Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn hours. She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.

At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap. She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on June 26, 2008, 09:39:46 am

Two Mexicans are lost and wandering , close to death, in the Desert.
They are just about at the point of lying down and giving in to cruel fate when....
all of a sudden "Hey, Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I ees sure of eet!"

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to me, too"
So with renewed vigour, our two heroes struggle up the next sand dune and see, off in the distance, a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, fried bacon, double smoked bacon,... in fact every imaginable form of cured pig meat is on the tree for the taking.

"Pepe, Pepe, We ees saved. Ees a Bacon Tree! Ees a miracle sent from God Himself!"

"Luis, remember we are in desert. Eet ees probably a meerage"

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?...eesno meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres of the tree, Pepe following a few steps behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks, and is mortally wounded, but being the true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath....

"Pepe, Go back! You was right, man, ees not a bacon tree"

" Luis, Luis, Mi Amigo, what ees eet?"

"Pepe, ees not a bacon tree, ees...

ees...

ees...

ees...

ees...

A Ham Bush!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 26, 2008, 05:48:45 pm

A smart as US Department of Agriculture inspector drove up in a fancy white truck and told the farmer "I need to inspect your farm."

The farmer reluctantly but confidently said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder." The inspector said, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any agricultural land. No questions asked, and no questions answered. Have I made myself clear?" The farmer nodded politely and went about his chores.

Some half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams for help and looked up to see the inspector running for the fence pursued by his prize bull, which was gaining with every step. The farmer immediately put down his feed buckets, ran to the fence and shouted out, "Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 27, 2008, 09:46:22 pm

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out...?" "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: warmride on June 28, 2008, 10:26:41 am

A couple of nipple rings walk into a bar and order drinks.

The barman looks them up and down and says "sorry guys we can't serve you - you're off your t!ts"

Warmride

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 28, 2008, 04:29:57 pm

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 30, 2008, 09:24:24 pm

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her. "Which word?", the woman asked. "Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died", her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him. "Which word?", her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 01, 2008, 11:11:38 am

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach

And BBQ's

He created night for going prawning,sleeping

And BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach ,and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt
And yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals
And crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's,
And God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the Barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes,and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling Barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... ...
Well. Almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 02, 2008, 05:18:32 pm

An Irish priest is transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Red 66 on July 02, 2008, 07:42:40 pm

Dr George had slept with one of his patients & felt really guilty. No matter how hard he tried, the sense of betrayel was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say "George don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with a patient & you won't be the last & your single, just let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering "Dr George your a F****n VET !!!! ;w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 03, 2008, 05:01:51 pm

A BLOKE was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered it, a six-foot c.ckroach punched him between the eyes and scampered.
The next day, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered it, the c.ckroach was there again and it karate kicked him in the head before running away.
The day after that the doorbell rang again and when he answered it, the c.ckroach stabbed him several times before bolting. The bloke managed to call an ambulance and get himself to hospital. Once he got there, he explained to the doctor what had happened.
“I’m not surprised to hear that,” said the doctor. “There's a nasty bug going around."
This censor is getting a bit tough when you can't even use the NSW Origin teams name (no read it again the word is not loser}come on!:f:f:f:f;2

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 2+266 on July 04, 2008, 10:49:06 pm

what was the last thing jesus said on the cross before he died? dont you pricks pinch my easter eggs coz i'll be back on sunday!!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 06, 2008, 07:23:24 pm

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull. She decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realises that, in her financial position, she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word comfortable".

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul'."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 08, 2008, 04:59:17 pm

A tourist parked his car in downtown Canberra. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?" "What!?" the man huffed. "Do you realise that I am a member of the Australian Parliament?" "Well no..." the tourist said, "I didn't realise that but it's all right - I'll trust you anyway."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 08, 2008, 07:08:55 pm

I'm back...!!

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large un-friendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 08, 2008, 09:14:02 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
I'm back...!!

About bloody time even Hev has run out. Nearly up to 14thou looks.

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one Morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!" The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money" The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls". The Aussie said, "So what's wrong with them playing at frigging night then?";4;4

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on July 11, 2008, 09:31:27 am

After 25 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite a long time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and slowly began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, moving on over her breasts, stopping at her lower abdomen.

He then started touching her left inner arm, caressing down past the side of her left breast, working all the way down past her buttock to her upper leg and then to her calf.

Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on the right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

Having become very aroused by the caressing, she asked in a loving voice..."Honey, that was wonderful! Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote." He mumbled.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 11, 2008, 04:41:01 pm

A mother took her young daughter to an art museum. They came across a statue of a naked man. The daughter pointed to its penis and asked, "What's that?" The mother said, "That's something boys have and girls don't." Her daughter said, "But I want one." Wanting to end the conversation as quickly as possible, the mother said, "Well, if you're a good girl you'll get one when you grow up." Her daughter asked, "And what if I'm bad?" A security guard who overheard the conversation mumbled, "Then you'll get lots of them!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 11, 2008, 08:25:52 pm

A blonde was having a problem with her laser printer, so she called the company's technical support.
The help desk technician asked her if she was "running it under Windows."

The blonde replied, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 12, 2008, 03:55:00 pm

Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A WALRUS?
A. ONE HAS WHISKERS AND FISHY FLAPS, THE OTHER IS A WALRUS.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 13, 2008, 09:39:12 am

A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started to bounce out of control. She tried to hang on with all of her might, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell headfirst to the ground.
Her head continued to bounce on the ground and the horse didn't even stop or slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the K-Mart manager came out and unplugged the ride.

Thank goodness for heroes.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 13, 2008, 03:04:13 pm

A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 13, 2008, 05:15:24 pm

Burial at Sea

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from Altona Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."
So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"
Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface,
gasping for breath she says,

"OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 13, 2008, 05:30:41 pm

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 13, 2008, 06:22:54 pm

John gets home from work one day and finds his pretty blonde wife has been crying.

"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Whats that, she asks"

"Whats wrong he asks." Knowing she is always hard of hearing.

"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."

"WHAT!!" he shouts.

With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to the doctor's office, straight through the reception. Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of
giving another lady an examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, John charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert, how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!!"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but there has been a misunderstanding. I told your wife she has got Acute Angina."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 13, 2008, 07:27:38 pm

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 13, 2008, 08:34:27 pm

On a flight from New York to Paris, soon after take-off the pilot announces: "I'm sorry, but we have lost one of our engines. Subsequently, we will arrive in Paris approximately half an hour late."
A few minutes later, he comes on again:
"Hate to disappoint you folks, but another engine is down. Don't panic - we've still got two going, but now we'll be about 2 hours late."
After another few minutes, he comes on again:
"Look, I am really sorry about this, but somehow we have lost our third engine. Still nothing serious to worry about, but we will be about five hours late to Paris."
After hearing this, the blonde turns to the guy sitting next to him and remarks, "If we lose the other one, we'll be up here all night."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 13, 2008, 08:49:04 pm

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"

This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."

The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."

"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.

Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled their collars off while they were playing."

"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.

After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 13, 2008, 08:55:07 pm

Fast Marriage

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy -five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 13, 2008, 09:42:25 pm

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on July 13, 2008, 11:23:16 pm

What's the difference between a Lawyer and a Rhinoceros?

One is a small brained, thick skinned, horny animal that charges a lot, while the other is an endangered species on the Serengeti!:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 14, 2008, 04:10:09 pm

What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Next one will be a blonde joke Ron may have been trying to change the topic?:p:p:p

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 14, 2008, 04:13:36 pm

Mail Check
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his pretty blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 14, 2008, 04:36:14 pm

There were two nuns

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do.. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Somone will pray for you!

;2

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on July 14, 2008, 04:55:39 pm

What's the difference between a Blonde and a Washing Machine?

You don't have to marry teh washing machine when you dump a load in it!!!:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 14, 2008, 07:36:55 pm

Change of subject...
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.

He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 14, 2008, 08:33:49 pm

A day out in the Mustang.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Mustang when it broke down, because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Mustang as they continued their journey.
The brunette took the radiator, the redhead took the seat, and the blonde took the door.
After a while of walking the redhead asked the brunette "I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?"
The brunette responded, "If I get thirsty,I can drink the fluid."
Next the blonde asked the redhead "Why did you bring the seat?"
So the redhead said "If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat."
Finally the brunette asked the blonde why she had chosen the door.
The blonde quickly responded to this question, "Well, when I get hot all I have to do is roll down the window."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 15, 2008, 05:08:15 pm

A blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair so she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 15, 2008, 05:16:45 pm

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica". :+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 15, 2008, 06:35:38 pm

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to New York . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.'
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 15, 2008, 08:52:42 pm

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a Beautiful rose tattooed on one boob.
One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose In a hanging basket!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 16, 2008, 03:52:58 pm

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter said that his axe had fallen into water, and he needed it to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Sometime later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river bank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "Really? You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with someone just as gorgeous. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 16, 2008, 11:26:15 pm

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He
went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman
to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family
must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 17, 2008, 04:23:26 pm

Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 18, 2008, 03:06:53 pm

A bloke applies for a job with the Victoria police, Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen! Just one further test: Take this gun, go out, and shoot 6 Abo's, 6 Muslim's & a rabbit". Bloke replies "Why the rabbit?" Inspector replies, "Fantastic attitude... you've got the job!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 19, 2008, 12:53:12 pm

All one liners...

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford (one flash & it's gone. ha)

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 19, 2008, 05:29:14 pm

Bad taste but I thought it was funny....

Zebo, a half blind five year old South African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's friking hilarious.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 19, 2008, 08:41:56 pm

Moths

A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
Suddenly, they hear a noise at the door and the woman says, "Quick, my husband is home. Go hide in the bathroom!"
The husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
The woman smiles and says coyly, "Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready!"
"Okay," the husband replies, "I'll be back in a minute."
Before his wife can stop him, he goes into the bathroom and sees the naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the hell are you!" the husband asks.
"I'm from the extermination company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having trouble with."
The husband, getting angrier by the moment, exclaims, "Then why you are naked!"
The man then looks down at himself and exclaims, "Those little bastards!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 20, 2008, 10:32:18 am

The Story of Jim and Mary!

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the bottom and
stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to
be mentally stable.

When he went to tell her the news, he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able
to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained
your senses".

"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

____________________________________________________________________________

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 20, 2008, 08:50:09 pm

Another bad taste....:+:+

Two Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes."Crikey mate, that was impressive!" "I get lots of practice" replied the other guy. "My wife's epileptic".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 20, 2008, 08:53:16 pm

Quote

Originally posted by jmd1

Another bad taste....:+:+

Two Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes."Crikey mate, that was impressive!" "I get lots of practice" replied the other guy. "My wife's epileptic".

THAT IS SICK.........the lucky ba$tard!;2

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 20, 2008, 09:22:10 pm

What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket on a Mustang.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a shithead.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care.

We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 21, 2008, 12:32:47 pm

Did you hear about the blind gynecologist? - He could still read lips

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on July 21, 2008, 01:52:14 pm

If a professional Tennis Player gets Tennis Elbow,....

and a Secretary gets Recurrent Strain Injury from Typing,....

What Does A Genaecologist get???...............

...................TUNNEL VISION!!!:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 21, 2008, 03:50:52 pm

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility for my actions. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

He continues "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each."

"Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him... "You root her again."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 21, 2008, 05:34:28 pm

Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

It was embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.

:2

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 21, 2008, 06:23:28 pm

A girl and a guy are in an elevator, and the girl takes off all her clothes and throws them on the ground and says, "Make me a women", the man takes off all his clothes and throws them on the ground and says pick them up. :w:w:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on July 21, 2008, 07:00:00 pm

A man broke into a house to look for money, drugs and guns.
Inside, he finds a couple in bed, doing the nasty.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the woman to the bed, he gets on top of the her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he is in there, thehusband whispers over to his wife:
"listen, this guy is an escaped convict, just look at his clothes! He has probably spent years in jail
without so much as the sight of a woman. The way he kissed you, if he wants sex, don't resist, dcon't complain....do whatever he says....satisfy him, no matter how sick you feel about it. He's obviously dangerous. If he gets angry he may kill us both.
Be Strong, Honey. I Love You!"

His wife whispers back: "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he's Gay and thinks you're cute, with an adorable bottom, and then he asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the Bathroom.
Be Strong, Honey. I Love You Too!"
;x
:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 21, 2008, 07:06:26 pm

In days of old, when knights were bold, and toilets weren't invented, they left their load in the middle of the road, and walked away contented.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 21, 2008, 10:58:45 pm

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....
:f

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 22, 2008, 03:47:56 pm

Three rats are having a chat. The first rat says "I'm so tough, I can eat rat poison and it dosen't phase me!". The second rat says "I'm so tough, I can eat broken glass and it wouldn't phase me!". The third rat says "Look you guys are just too tough for me, I think I'll just go home and skrew the cat."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 22, 2008, 05:35:14 pm

Two Statues

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and,
with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running
behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, 'Would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold
the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

........ AND WHAT WERE YOU.... THINKING????

:p

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 22, 2008, 06:37:45 pm

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 23, 2008, 02:29:26 pm

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you everytime!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 23, 2008, 07:35:24 pm

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the towns only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny ... He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.

You got to love George!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 24, 2008, 04:09:01 pm

A blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex.
Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 29, 2008, 04:49:15 pm

Time for another.......
Wish my missus was this good......:w:w:w:w:w

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water
on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks
around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and
sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty
asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says,
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture , puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into
the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is
everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to
take your pants off to change and clean you, you said,
"Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 29, 2008, 08:15:54 pm

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this,
I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 30, 2008, 02:36:37 pm

I have three dogs and I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and standing in line at the check out.

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no - it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Silly Bitch ... why else would I buy dog food?

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/mad%20pictures/lickingballs-1.jpg)

I just dont get it?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: victorypark on July 30, 2008, 02:46:48 pm

Had my registration to an online dating agency rejected. One question was, "what do you like IN a woman?".

Apparently "MY CO*K" is not an acceptable answer.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 30, 2008, 03:30:16 pm

Quote

Originally posted by victorypark
Had my registration to an online dating agency rejected. One question was, "what do you like in a woman?".

Apparently "MY CO*K" is not an acceptable answer.

I Dont get it!

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/mad%20pictures/chicken_dancing_chicken_dance_hg_cl.gif)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: victorypark on July 30, 2008, 03:55:24 pm

;2 There ya go Hev I edited the keyword for ya. A tad cryptic? :+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 30, 2008, 04:28:28 pm

A guy is on a business trip in Houston and buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots. He can't wait to show his new boots to his wife. Upon returning from his trip late the next evening, his wife is in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He quickly strips down naked except for his new snakeskin boots and stands in the bedroom to wait for her. As the wife emerges from the bathroom her husband asks, "Well honey, do you notice anything special?" to which the wife replies" Yeah, it's limp!" "It's not limp!" exclaims the husband. " It's admiring my new snakeskin boots!" "Next time buy a hat."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 30, 2008, 05:43:06 pm

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 30, 2008, 06:01:16 pm

A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied "Wagon Wheel". The teacher said, "I need your REAL name, son", to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really". The teacher, in a huff, said, "All right young man, march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute !!!!" The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister, and said, "C'mon, 'Chicken Sh.t', he ain't gonna believe you, either."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 30, 2008, 08:45:27 pm

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

;w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 30, 2008, 09:06:31 pm

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs.Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we name him Sum Ting Wong.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 31, 2008, 04:55:38 pm

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, b.tch"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 31, 2008, 06:01:50 pm

Important to know

1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!

;w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 31, 2008, 07:11:48 pm

...After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive",Osama himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA, and the Secret Service.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help.

They cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: victorypark on August 01, 2008, 10:22:31 am

I heard you were fired from your job for having sex with your clients. That's a shame cause u were a bloody good vet.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 01, 2008, 02:55:34 pm

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 01, 2008, 02:56:22 pm

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES?

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes
Across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks
Up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has
been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde
genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom,
in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful
Women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to
Explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet,
He looks down and the floor is covered in $100
Bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons
Dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him
Outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a
Limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove
Their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can
Understand the first wish having all these beautiful
Women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 01, 2008, 02:57:07 pm

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 01, 2008, 03:52:16 pm

Hot office girl

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.. but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you....The girl looked at him, and then said,'NO!'
Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boy friend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

'The ba stard had all quarters!'

;2

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 01, 2008, 04:44:05 pm

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on - 5'9'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. "So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before." "Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good."

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

"How do you feel now," she purred. "OK" I replied. Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"

Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, cipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds ‘till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and..."

"Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, and pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!!

She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart As... have you ever felt such a count?" "I certainly have" I answered, "I missed the kick!".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: sesodablast on August 04, 2008, 04:47:00 pm

[There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning 'I') then pointed at his knees (meaning 'need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to get off.
The guy on the 3rd floor ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, 'You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.'
The other guy replied, 'I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: sesodablast on August 04, 2008, 05:10:22 pm

LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a

truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you

doing?'

Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !' The nurse

wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his

imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'

Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.

That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'

The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another

patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?' To which Davo

replies,

'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne :w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: sesodablast on August 04, 2008, 05:15:21 pm

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, de yee hiv any books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses, and says, "F**** off, ye'll no bring it back!"
:f

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 05, 2008, 11:28:34 pm

Why English Is Hard To Learn

Youve gotta admit, its a pretty stupid language. Id hate to be a foreigner trying to learn it. Heres 21 reasons why English is a pain in the ass.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on August 05, 2008, 11:54:45 pm

Gardener starts work in the local mental hospital.

Wanders out the back and there's a guy swinging a golf club.

Watchya doin' mate ?

Ah, I'm Greg Norman about to win my second British open !.

Bit further on there's a guy swinging a cricket bat.

Watchya doin mate ?.

Can't you see, I'm Don Bradman hitting a six at Lords !.

Gets down the far corner and there's this guy sitting quietly rubbing two coconuts up and down you know what.

Gardener's really intrigued with this bloke.

What's the story ?

You stupid or what........... I'm fu**ing nuts, that's why I'm in here !

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 06, 2008, 07:38:31 pm

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and damage the status of the family, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry! I'm dating Susan!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 06, 2008, 09:22:26 pm

While walking down the street one day a Kevin Rudd is tragically
hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by
St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom
see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure
what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says Kevin.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says Kev 07.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts
him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors
open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the
distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends
and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very
happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand,
and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the
expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then
dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that before Kev realizes it, it is
time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while
the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens
on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to
visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with Kev joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have
gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and
another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

Kev reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the garbage and
putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers Kev. 'Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and the my friends look miserable. What
happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 10, 2008, 08:38:03 pm

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city one evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten," he pleaded. The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague, "You know the person that did this really needs help."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 11, 2008, 06:28:15 pm

I took my dad for a ride in the MUstang the other day just to get him out and feel the freedom of a nice machine. We decided to grab a bite at McDonalds and I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
colors: green, red,orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would lookand find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcasticall asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life even though you are a passenger in a good car?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eyein his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 11, 2008, 06:30:33 pm

OOps.. sorry, i didn't know i couldn't say the word C O C K.

:*

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 13, 2008, 04:29:54 pm

Q. IF MUMS HAVE MOTHER’S DAY AND FATHERS HAVE FATHER’S DAY, WHAT DO SINGLE BLOKES HAVE?
A. PALM SUNDAY:w:w:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 13, 2008, 04:38:13 pm

In Louisiana, this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"? the lawyer asked.
Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . "
I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and! said , "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder.. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at
me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"

"Now what da hell would you say?!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 13, 2008, 05:02:47 pm

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten- foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on August 13, 2008, 10:34:10 pm

What is a cat?

- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They are totally unpredictable.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They are moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on August 13, 2008, 10:46:00 pm

Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement, which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am now restructuring, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping.
Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for"

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.

As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at $4.95 per minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your humble client

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 14, 2008, 06:07:18 pm

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER

QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE BLUETOOTH IN MY EAR.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 14, 2008, 07:35:50 pm

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?" Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your ass?" The little boy answered "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker". Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer".

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: "Can I have a cigar Grandpa?" Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?" Once again the little boy replies, "No, it's too little". Gramps replies, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar".

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies. Grandpa asks, "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?" The boy asks, "Can your pecker touch your ass?" Gramps replies, "Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass". The little boy replies, "Then go f,,k yourself - Grandma made these for me".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 14, 2008, 10:17:34 pm

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.
He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.
"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool..
They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"Lard-Almighty Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 15, 2008, 06:11:16 pm

Mother in Law is staying

A man, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness. "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 18, 2008, 06:04:25 pm

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your f.cking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 20, 2008, 05:50:18 pm

Guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink!"

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth and the crowd gasped in unison.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try!"

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up... "I'll try it - just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 21, 2008, 10:56:46 am

Chinese detective -

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

MOST HONOLABLE SIR:

YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE

HE COME TO HOUSE.
I WATCH HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE.
I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL.
I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE.
SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE.
SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE.
SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME.
I FALL OUT OF TREE.
I NO SEE.

NO FEE.
CHEN LEE.
SORREE.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 21, 2008, 03:56:04 pm

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have Praise." Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: whiplash on August 22, 2008, 11:12:05 am

A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat b#tch.
;}

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 22, 2008, 04:07:18 pm

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

So, a student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 22, 2008, 04:53:24 pm

A hooker was feeling crook, so she went to the doctor, who ran a battery of tests. When the computer printed out the results he said, “Congratulations! You’re pregnant. Do you know who the lucky father is?”
“Doc,” the pro replied, “when you eat a can of baked beans, can you tell which bean made you fart?”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 23, 2008, 09:04:01 am

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF CAR COLLECTORS

By Donald Peterson for the Feb. 1979 issue of Car Collector Magazine

1. Thou shalt not read thy Hemmings on company time, lest thy employer make it impossible to continue thy car payments.

2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's car nor his garage, nor his battery charger.

3. Thou shalt not store thy car out-of-doors except for the wife's Toyota.

4. Thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thee is taking her for a romantic Sunday drive when indeed thou art going out to look at another car.

5. Thou shalt not love thy cars more than thy wife and children.

6. Thou shalt not despise thy neighbor's Edsel, nor his DeSoto, nor even his '47 Plymouth.

7. Thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of thy latest restoration, at least not all at the same time.

8. Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition for the house and then use it to store cars.

9. Thou shalt not allow thy sons and daughters to get married during the car show season.

10. Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 25, 2008, 06:45:31 pm

6 truths of life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots after reading the first truth try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. Theres still a stupid smile on your face.
:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 25, 2008, 06:58:11 pm

I'm smiling because I am an idiot who owns a Mustang and can drive it on weekends while other idiots look on with jealousy. :f:f:f:f:f
Onya Hev :(

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 25, 2008, 07:08:16 pm

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat:

"I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache."

"Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone!" "Well, that is wonderful!" proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "WOW! That was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "OH MY GOD!" she proclaims. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 25, 2008, 07:43:48 pm

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Tits."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:07:20 pm

A mans at a loose end one day and decides to go to the zoo. He's not been since he was kid, so thinks it might be fun.
He pays his $20 to get in and starts his walk around.
An hour later, he's still wandering around and he still hasn't seen any animals.. and he isn't to happy. Then he suddenly notices a little dog wandering past and he just stares at it for a few moments.
Another half an hour past and still he has seen no animals, apart that is for the little dog..
It was a Sh1tzu

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:09:19 pm

An Irishman goes for a job at a blacksmiths. The blacksmith asks "Have you ever shoed a horse before?" The irishman replies "No, but I once told a donkey to f.uck off"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:10:48 pm

A Queenslander bought a round of drinks for all in the pub and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Queensland baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Queensland baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:11:07 pm

A baby polar bear asks his father one day
"Dad what am i?"
The father replies
"Your a polar bear son"
The baby polar bear then asks his mother the same question
"Mum what am i?"
And the mother replies
"Your a polar bear,why do you ask son?"
And the baby polar bear replies
"COS AM F.UCKING FREEZING"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:14:33 pm

A little girl is at the barbers with her dad. She's standing beside the chair eating a cake.

"Careful" says the barber. "Your gonna get hair on your muffin"

"I know" says the little girl. "And im gonna get tits too"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:18:10 pm

A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says "I must say, this is the cleanest pussy I've seen in ages."
"Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in 4 times a week."

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:26:19 pm

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:26:57 pm

This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes
in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby,
Doctor? What's wrong?"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your
baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that?"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er...
features... of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a
vagina... AND a brain?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:27:43 pm

What goes OOooooo......?????

A cow with no lips

-------------------------------------

What does an old woman have between her tits, that a young woman dosent??

Her belly button

--------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his underpants.
Tha barman asks "isnt that painful"?
The man replies "Its driving me nuts"

----------------------------------------

Did you hear about the parapalegic juggler?

He dropped all the parapalegics.

-----------------------------------------

What do you call two skunks having a 69?

Odur eaters.

----------------------------------------

Two cannibals were eating a clown when one says.."Here, does this taste funny to you"?

----------------------------------------

Why did god let woman have orgasm's?

It gives them something else to moan about.

----------------------------------------

Whats the diffrence between Israeli soldiers and Peter Andre?

Israeli soldiers knew when to pull out of Jordan.

----------------------------------------

Whats Meg short for??

Because she's got really little legs.

----------------------------------------

Whats the diffrence between a dead dog in the road, and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

----------------------------------------

Whats the diffrence between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg.............

----------------------------------------

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp??

He bought a warehouse...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:29:12 pm

A man is getting ready to go to meet one of his mates at the pub. Before he can leave, his wife starts nagging him that he had better not come home all sloppy drunk like usual or she's leaving him.
"Yes dear, I promise" he tells her.
Well, he and his friend get heavily involved in the football game on the television and are absent-mindedly pounding back some pints. Before he realizes, he's pretty drunk. He tries to belch, but vomits down the front of his shirt.
"Oh no!" he exclaims, wiping his chin "The Mrs. warned me not to get too sloshed tonight or she'll divorce me...I'll never be able to hide this! I'm screwed!"
"Relax..." says his friend. "Just put a wadded up $20.00 bill in your shirt pocket and tell her that you helped carry some drunk home and HE threw up on you. Then you say that he felt so bad about it, he gave you the twenty-spot to make it up to you!"
"By George, I think that just might work! Thanks, mate! Let me buy you another brewski!" He replies.
Of course, one turns into two, (and two into three, etc.) until the bartender finally tosses them out at closing time.
He then stumbles home and is attempting (poorly) to insert his key into the front door lock when it swings open. There stands his wife, ready for battle.
"I thought I told you that I wouldn't stand for it if you came home drunk again tonight!" she screams. "That's it, I'm going to my mother's and you'll be hearing from my lawyer!"
"Awww, Honey bun..." He slurs "I'm not THAT drunk...I only had a couple."
Now she's furious. "ONLY A COUPLE?! LOOK AT YOU! YOU'VE GOT PUKE ALL DOWN THE FRONT OF YOUR SHIRT! A COUPLE, MY ASS!"
Excited, he tells her to look in his shirt pocket and begins to tell her his preconceived story.
She does this, and puzzled, asks him "But there's $40.00 in here...I thought you said he only gave you $20. Where did this other twenty come from?"
"Ohhh yeah, I almost forgot...He took a sh1t in my pants too!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:31:35 pm

A couple was dressed and ready to go out into the city for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and just they opened the front door to leave, the cat they had put out into the yard darts back into the house.
They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs with the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my Mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab and they drive off. "Sorry I took so long," he says, "Stupid b1tch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me but it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:32:05 pm

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?

A: So women could see what it's like to live with an irritatable c.unt!

Q: How is a woman like a condom?

A: They both spend more time in your wallet than on your c0ck!

Q: What do you call the layer of sweat between two hillbillys having sex?

A: Relitatve Humidity!

Q: What do you call a hillbilly girl that can run faster than her brothers?

A: A virgin!

Q: What's wrong with a house built entirely by lesbian construction workers?

A: There isn't a stud in the place...It's all tongue & groove!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:32:31 pm

If a farmer grew a field of dildo's, what would his biggest problem be?

Squatters..

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:38:00 pm

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two
stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly said, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:38:15 pm

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:39:11 pm

Elton John goes into the doctor's office and has some tests
run.

The doctor comes back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat
around the bush. You have AIDS."

Elton is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

Doc says "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled
carrots

drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40
peanuts,

1/2
box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a litre of prune
juice."

Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better
understanding of what your @rse is for."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:40:05 pm

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:40:56 pm

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.
And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peac0cks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a sh1t one way or the other.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:42:36 pm

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her:
"Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Of course, the lady was upset. She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot.
As she passed, it said to her:
"Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She again stormed away, even more upset than before.
The next day the same parrot again said to her:
"Hey lady, You are really ugly."
Now she was furious and had just about enough! She barged into the store and demanded to see the manager.
She exclaimed that she was very insulted and threatened that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot would never say it again.
Later that day, as she walked past on her way home from work, the parrot called out to her:
"Hey lady."
She reluctantly paused and replied: "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 12:43:16 pm

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with
fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."
Says the chicken: "big deal I only have to cough, and the entire planet
sh1t's itself."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 01:06:12 pm

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would
like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and
shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then
goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up
again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit peeved by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat
minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical
expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a
jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate
his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass.
You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing .....

" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 01:06:54 pm

A Priest was seated next to a Scotsman on a flight to Toronto
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Scotsman
asked for a rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink. He
replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen wh0res than
let liquor touch my lips."
The Scotsman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me
too. I didn't know we had a choice

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 01:10:02 pm

Two cows in a field, the first cow goes "MOO!"

Second cow goes "Bastard!! I was going to say that!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 01:11:57 pm

whats got 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?

an elephant with diarrhea

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 01:15:08 pm

A blonde woman comes flying down the road in her new red sportscar and gets pulled over by a female police officer, who also happens to be blonde.
- Can I please see your driver's license, says the cop. The blonde driver nervously starts digging around in her purse, getting more and more stressed out.
- What does it look like again, she asks. The blonde police officer answers:
- It's square, and there's a picture of you on it. Finally, the blonde driver finds a small square mirror, looks at it, and gives it over to the police officer. The blonde police woman studies the mirror briefly before returning it.
- It's okay, you can go, I didn't know you were a cop!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 01:23:52 pm

A man accidently kills a deer while driving but decides to bring it home and cook it. He wont tell his children what it is but says "its something that mummy sometimes calls daddy." With shock in her eyes his daughter cries out "Dont eat it, its a f%cking as*hole."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on August 26, 2008, 01:30:08 pm

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!" "Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!" To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy - once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 26, 2008, 05:01:01 pm

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer".

He got the job.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 27, 2008, 04:13:05 pm

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired,
'Why the spoon?''
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'
I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.
So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 27, 2008, 05:46:12 pm

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A SHOP WITH 100 NUNS IN IT?
A. A VIRGIN MEGASTORE

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 28, 2008, 04:43:16 pm

Thoughts from left field.

~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
~~~
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them..
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help 'groups'?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~~~
Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 28, 2008, 08:12:12 pm

Q. CAN A WIFE MAKE HER HUSBAND A MILLIONAIRE?
A. YES, BUT ONLY IF HE’S ALREADY A BILLIONAIRE

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 29, 2008, 03:59:30 pm

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 29, 2008, 04:55:17 pm

Today an Aboriginal was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice. Police say it's the worst case of suicide they have ever seen.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 30, 2008, 02:33:22 pm

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to
dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:

'Is that one word, or two?'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 31, 2008, 09:30:12 am

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 04, 2008, 06:51:41 pm

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag." "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off - kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it?" So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden pruners. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, and say, "Okay buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!"

"Well, that seems only fair...?" said the cop laughing. "Okay. Good luck! Oh by the way - what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know" said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 05, 2008, 08:15:50 pm

Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"
Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 06, 2008, 07:51:15 pm

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out. Husband says "Oh for censored A's sake stop crying, you're still my sister"
;x;x;x:2

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 06, 2008, 07:52:43 pm

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The t rick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less

NOW ............

Enough of that crap . .. . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 06, 2008, 07:58:23 pm

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 07, 2008, 11:53:16 am

My Generation vs. Your Generation

A very self-important university freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world. Actually, an almost primitive one," the student said loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, Mustangs, space travel, man walking on the moon and our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light speed processing and...," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young. We invented them! Now, tell me, what are you doing for the next generation"?

The applause was resounding.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 07, 2008, 08:13:02 pm

St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?". The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black person to be elected President of the United States." St. Peter says, "The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?" To which Obama replies, "About twenty minutes ago."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 09, 2008, 06:46:42 pm

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."

The bartender pours the drink but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

The man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true."

He continues, "She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes. But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."

The blonde says, 'Oh, my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'

I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but I figured that he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me..."

The bartender says, "Well, I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open, and he yells, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?'

The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.'

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now'."

"But by now the blonde is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time. I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man that would have pissed me off for sure!" "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset." "No, that wasn't what really pissed me off."

The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally piss you off?" "Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 14, 2008, 10:11:04 pm

Dad and Son

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in
the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies. "I work for the Australian Taxation Office.."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 15, 2008, 05:01:34 pm

MORRIS and his wife Esther went to Surfers Paradise every year, and every year Morris said, "Esther, I'd like to do one of those helicopter tours."
Esther always replied, "I know, but that is $200, and $200 dollars is $200."
One year Esther and Morris were at the Surfers Paradise tourist office and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance."
"And $200 is $200, Morris," Esther replied.
A pilot happened to overhear the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's $200."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "Jeez, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, " I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, $200 dollars is $200!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 15, 2008, 05:58:08 pm

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three tough-looking bikers sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face, and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and always gets into fights at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get upset, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans over one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point, the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on September 16, 2008, 02:54:14 pm

On ANZAC Day, an old WWII sailor, the last surviving member of his ship's crew, waering his old uniform, heads to the red light district one last time for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and go to a hotel room. after about fidteen minutes, he pauses and asks..."how am I doing?"

"About three knots", the prossie says.

"What do you mean by three Knots?" he queries

"1. You're knot hard...2. you're knot in...and 3. you're knot getting a refund" :+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on September 16, 2008, 04:18:00 pm

an African American runs into his doctor, who is caucasian and says.."Hey, white Doctor, I can't stup jogging! Everywhere I go...I have to jog and I can't help it and it won't stop...You gotta help me!...It's summer and it's too hot to be doing this...Do you know what's causing it?"

The doctor says "HMMMMM...it's got me beat as to the cause, But I think I can cure it."
\so the doctor puts two lines of white powder on his desktop and tells him to snort the powder for a cure. The Black man does what the Doctor ordered and immediately stops jogging.

"Man, thats some amazing stuff! Is it Cocaine?"

"No" says the Doctor "its OMO...Guarenteed to stop coloureds running":w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 16, 2008, 04:49:59 pm

A blonde and a brunette are in an elevator. A young guy walks in and the brunette casually starts pointing at the back of his head. When the guy leaves, the blonde asks the brunette what she was pointing at? The brunette replies, "Didn't you see his dandruff? Someone needs to give him Head and Shoulders." And the blonde says, "How do you give 'em Shoulders?" :w:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 16, 2008, 05:02:41 pm

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 16, 2008, 05:25:50 pm

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker?

The nympho says, "You're done already?"
The hooker says, "Are you done yet?"
And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: eri67 on September 16, 2008, 07:09:21 pm

Whats brown and rhymes with snoop????

Dr Dre

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 16, 2008, 07:55:21 pm

A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor. The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I want some service," states the drunk. She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!" The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on September 17, 2008, 12:00:08 am

Dear old lady arrives at the Vet carrying a limp duck.

Vet examines the duck and sadly the verdict is that it's gone to bird heaven.

DOL can't accept this as she's had the duck for yonks, and will be totally lost without it.

Vet says "All I can suggest is a check by a couple of our animal patients", and the DOL, living in hope, agrees. So he leads in a big black Labrador Retriever who sniffs the duck intently, but shows no interest. Next the Vet brings in a moggie who goes all over the duck and strolls off.

DOL finally realises the duck's gone and asks for the bill, which the Vet says is $150.

"What, $150 just to pronounce my duck is dead....not even any treatment included".

The Vet says "well it would have been $30 but you wanted the lab report and the cat scan".....

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 17, 2008, 04:50:23 pm

The Duck

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Victoria. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in NSW and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Victoria." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom.
The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Xrayman on September 17, 2008, 05:05:54 pm

Why do Men Die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay .... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay .... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ..... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ..... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ....... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.

So, Why do men die first?

Because they want to.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 17, 2008, 05:28:41 pm

Donald Duck

Donald Duck wanted a divorce from Daisy and he was talking to his lawyer who had been watching her secretly.

"I don't understand, said Donald, "Daisy's not insane!"

"I didn't say that she was insane," replied the lawyer, "I said she was f***ing Goofy."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 18, 2008, 04:12:42 pm

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, just knitting and thinking about the good old days.
The first old bird starting telling her friend that her father used to own a fruit and veg shop, and she used her hands to demonstrate the length and thickness of the cucumbers her old man used to sell.
The second geezer nodded her head and said that her father had also owned a fruit and veg shop, so she used her hands to demonstrate how big and round the onions he sold were.
The third old buzzard pointed to her ear and said, “My hearing aid ran out of batteries a couple of minutes ago, but I remember the fellow you're talking about.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 18, 2008, 09:38:50 pm

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.
Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Marie with me."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 19, 2008, 07:10:01 pm

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away." Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 19, 2008, 09:46:30 pm

According to the Australian Census Bureau:

9,374 people are having sex right now,

2,130 are kissing.

521 are fixing their Mustangs

234 are getting head, and

1 lonely person is reading this.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 19, 2008, 10:12:31 pm

ONE afternoon, a lawyer was riding along in his limousine when he looked out the window to see two fellas sitting by the side of the road eating grass. He told his driver to pull over and got out to ask why they were eating the green stuff.
“We don’t have any money for food,” lamented the first bloke.
“Well then, come back to my house and I’ll feed you,” said the lawyer with a kind smile.
“But sir, I’ve got a wife and two kids with me,” said the bloke, but the lawyer told him they were welcome too.
“How about me?” asked the second grass muncher. “Can my five kids and I come along for a free feed?” The lawyer nodded his head and ushered the poor bastards into his limo.
As they set off, the first bloke turned to the lawyer and said, “Mate, you’re a saint. Thank you for taking care of us.”
“Don’t mention it,” said the lawyer with a wink. “You’ll love my place – I haven’t been able to cut the grass since my mower packed it in last month!”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 21, 2008, 08:31:44 pm

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on September 23, 2008, 12:36:02 am

Chap was in the nest with a neighbouring wife when she heard the front door lock turn.

Quick she said, I'll rub you down with baby oil and dust you with talc, then stand in the corner and pretend you're a statue.

Hubby came into the bedroom and enquired of this very life-like new work of art.

Wife said she was just copying the lady over the road who had spoken of her nice new statue.

About 2.30am the hubby got up and went to the kitchen.

Made a sandwich and opened a stubby, which he took and handed to the startled chap in the corner.

Be thankful he said, I spent most of two days as a statue over at the Smith's, and nearly bloody well starved.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 23, 2008, 12:41:10 pm

Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: 'John, don't worry about it.

You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go, John.'
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering, 'John you're a Veterinarian, you sick bastaard.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 23, 2008, 05:38:47 pm

A guy sees his mate and notices that his friend's car is a total wreck. It is covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "So what the heck happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, I had to chase him all through the park..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 24, 2008, 10:17:52 am

It helps to have a well balanced wife!

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/mad%20pictures/Awellbalancedwife.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 24, 2008, 11:55:16 am

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 24, 2008, 04:33:45 pm

Herman had just hopped out of the shower, looked out the window and saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he raced outside and climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said. No contest, thought Herman, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.

On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was a wee bit easier on the eye. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought Herman, "might as well carry on."

On this cloud was lounging lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Make love to me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, Herman thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Take me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she said, flirtingly. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When Herman reached the next cloud, there was a fat, slobbish ugly old man, with flies buzzing all around him. "G'day Mate, I'm Cess!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 25, 2008, 07:57:05 pm

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 26, 2008, 04:33:01 pm

Q: Why did the dwarf get kicked out of the nudist colony?
A: He kept getting in everyone’s hair
;x

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 27, 2008, 12:20:23 pm

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

6. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres nearly drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 27, 2008, 04:10:41 pm

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 27, 2008, 04:32:43 pm

One of my wife's friends is a lesbian. One day we got to talking and I asked her did she ever wonder what it would be like to have children.
She said it was the one thing she regretted about her sexual orientation, that she might never be a mother.
She's a good-looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever wanted to be impregnated I'd be happy to help out -- purely altruistically of course.
She shot me a death-ray look, and told me with a curling lip that if she ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination.
"No problem," I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell you I love you."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 28, 2008, 04:03:58 pm

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls... You must be a POLITICIAN."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 30, 2008, 01:35:51 pm

THREE little boys were sitting in the schoolyard and bragging about how great their fathers were. “My dad’s the fastest runner in the world,” said David. “He can fire an arrow, put the bow down and reach the target before the arrow!”
“That’s nothing,” said Kevin. “My dad’s so fast that he can fire a gun and reach the target before the bullet.”
“You guys don’t know what you’re talking about,” smirked Alan. “My dad works for the government. He’s so fast that he finishes work at 5pm and is home by 3:45!”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on September 30, 2008, 07:44:20 pm

where do you get virgin wool from???

.....Ugly sheep!!!

If you dump a cat out of a car, is it then Kitty litter?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 30, 2008, 08:17:01 pm

A wise person told me the difference between oral and anal sex.
Oral sex makes his whole day. Anal sex makes her whole week.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 30, 2008, 10:35:14 pm

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/mad%20pictures/womanmoney.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 02, 2008, 03:03:12 pm

The wisdom of Mac the Mustang guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14 OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'

22. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 02, 2008, 03:58:35 pm

I like it! errrr.......eerr

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/mad%20pictures/lurch.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 02, 2008, 05:01:59 pm

Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors prtending she was home 20 years ago driving her red Mustang around.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 03, 2008, 09:38:23 pm

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob drove the Mustang and took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your fath er, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you
dumbass '.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: stuie87 on October 03, 2008, 10:08:42 pm

Last night I was feeling down...I was really depressed, so I called The Suicide Helpline...

It must have been afterhours because I got connected to some call center in Pakistan,
Told them I was just really down and suicidal.

The guy got really excited and wanted to know if I could drive a truck......

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 04, 2008, 09:44:23 pm

Full Story

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself ashe ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take
off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Morale:
Always listen to the full story first.

&

If you go parking, do it out of the area.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on October 05, 2008, 01:11:45 am

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow

Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think men care.

Q. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Q. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
A. Nothing, she's been told twice already.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it!

Q. Why do hunters make the best lovers?
A. Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your d#&k.

Q. What should you give a woman who has everything?
A. A man to show her how to work it.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 10 years the job still sucks.

Q. Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where they went.

Q. How do you make 3 kilos of fat look good?
A. Put a nipple on it.

Q. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
A. Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on October 05, 2008, 01:23:04 am

Male Date Rape Drug!

Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting public house
regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a
girl. There is a drug called "beer", that is available essentially in liquid form.

The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince
their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that beer is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks.

Please! Forward this to every male you know...... However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory creatures administering them, there are male support groups with venues in every suburb where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with a bunch of similarly affected like minded guys. For the nearest venue near you just look up "Pub" in the yellow pages.

Be careful out there guys.......

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 05, 2008, 09:50:29 am

How does an Eskimo catch a polar bear?

First he cuts hole in the ice

Then he lines it with peas (canned peas)

When the polar bear comes up to take a pea, He kicks him in the ice hole.

::

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 05, 2008, 08:47:18 pm

A group of us were sitting and pondering life's facts.
My mate Andy turned to us and said "hey wat do you reckon is the fastest thing in the universe?"
Pete said "light..... the speed of light is by far the fastest thing in the universe!"
Bozo said "A thought....A thought is faster than anything I can think of!"

"Rubbish" I snorted....."I reckon Diarrhea is the fastest thing ever"
Everyone scoffed and hurtled all sorts of abuse at me.
"No serious Diarrhea is faster than anything...Ill proved it for myself the other night when I ate that Dodgy piece of Garibaldi salami, It was about half an hour after I hit the sack and my guts was churning....before I thought of turning the light on i sh it me dacks!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 06, 2008, 02:41:26 pm

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female....... Any part under the hood of teh Mustang.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys..

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female..... An embarrassing bi-product of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding and relief.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ..... . . They already have boyfriends.

He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 06, 2008, 10:11:47 pm

Crash, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy & says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three biker babes coming over tonight. I've never had three biker babes at once, and I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra: Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

The next day, Crash rides down to the same pharmacy, walks right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices that Crash's Johnson is black and blue with the skin hanging off in some places.

Crash says, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat." The pharmacist replies, "DEEP HEAT?! Are you insane? You can't put Deep Heat on your dick while it's in that condition!!" Crash says, "I know. It's for my arms - the girls didn't show up..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 07, 2008, 03:41:35 pm

Deserted island

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey'
asked the blonde Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed:

' Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 07, 2008, 05:26:05 pm

Q. WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY WHEN SHE WAS ASKED WHY SHE GOT A GIANT SEASHELL TATTOOED ON HER INNER THIGH?
A. “SO WHEN PEOPLE PUT THEIR EARS UP AGAINST IT, THEY CAN SMELL THE OCEAN.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on October 07, 2008, 10:36:06 pm

One day little johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents
room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going
at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as
Johnny closed the door.After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He
opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and
little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"
Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its your mom is
it?!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 08, 2008, 11:59:21 am

Full ??

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children and grandchildren. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm
glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

;+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 08, 2008, 06:43:49 pm

TWO elderly ladies were sitting on the front porch. One turned to the other and asked, "Do you still get horny?”
" I sure do," came the reply.
"What do you do about it?"
“I find sucking on a lifesaver relieves the frustration."
After a few moments silence, the first old lady asked, "So, who drives you to the beach?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 08, 2008, 08:03:40 pm

A dentist

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.

I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 08, 2008, 08:29:53 pm

WHEN the Titanic was sinking one of the passengers found the captain and asked, “How far is land from here?”
“About two miles,” replied the skipper.
“What’s the big deal? I can swim that far,” said the passenger.
“That’s two miles downwards,” the captain answered

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 08, 2008, 09:07:14 pm

Thought for the day:

Never be afraid to try something new on your Mustang.

Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 08, 2008, 09:49:14 pm

Q. HOW MANY SCREWS DOES IT TAKE TO CONSTRUCT A LESBIAN’S BED?
A. NONE – IT’S ALL TONGUE AND GROOVE.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 09, 2008, 01:20:06 pm

Smart Australian

An Australian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new fully loaded Shelby Mustang.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Australian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Australian for using a $150,000 Mustang as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Mustang into the bank's underground secure garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Australian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this Transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Australian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 09, 2008, 08:11:06 pm

A man was invited to the annual dinner of Premature Ejaculation Society. He asked if there was a dress code. They said, "No, just come in your pants".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 09, 2008, 08:44:45 pm

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it laying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or Iwill fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien
off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and thenstick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 09, 2008, 10:02:36 pm

WHAT do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 10, 2008, 05:50:07 pm

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
He turned to the fourth Mom, Sally: 'Your obsession is with your Mustang. Because you have called your kid Shelby.
At this point, the fith mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers John-Thomas and Willy are waiting for us.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 10, 2008, 05:51:31 pm

What if his name really is D I C K ???

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 10, 2008, 08:53:22 pm

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, "Well sir, I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent." We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved."

"He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running a country."

"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a f..king truck hit us."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 11, 2008, 06:12:53 pm

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 12, 2008, 05:33:00 pm

A refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back of the house, but still can't see it. So, against the rules of the refuse collector's code but in the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door. There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door.

'Harro!' says the Japanese chappie.

'Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?' asks the collector

'I bin on toiret' explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

'No mate, where's your dust bin?'.

'I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man - still perplexed.

'Listen,' says the collector. 'You're misunderstanding me. Where's your *w h e e l i e* bin?'

'Ok. Ok ' replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin.

' I wheelie bin havin sex wirra wife's sister......!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 12, 2008, 08:31:54 pm

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on October 13, 2008, 11:12:08 pm

When girls don't put out!!.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and
women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new
shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for
each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
bitch knows I'm smarter than her. :+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 14, 2008, 04:58:05 pm

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes: Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, “Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!

The engaged woman giggled and said, “That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, “I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, “Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?“

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on October 15, 2008, 07:30:38 am

Guys,

I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.'

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.

I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. '

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 15, 2008, 09:29:08 pm

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 18, 2008, 12:38:47 pm

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider This...

A husband and wife are travelling by their Mustang from Brisbane to Melbourne.

After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue

And they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells

the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel

Has parking for the coupe, an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which

the hotel is Famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood ,

and LasVegas Perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! , the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.

'But sir,' he says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with my Wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 18, 2008, 09:00:33 pm

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, “Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?”
“Bejaysus, why?” Paddy asked.
“The whole street was laughing when they saw you giving the missus one yesterday afternoon,” Mick replied.
“Stupid buggers, the laugh's on them,” Paddy said. “I wasn't even home yesterday.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 19, 2008, 09:22:35 am

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH'............................

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

'£ 124,237.64'

The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!

What the hell did you sell him?'

Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Land Rover'.

The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's stuffed, you might as well go fishing.

:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 19, 2008, 09:42:29 am

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?" "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 19, 2008, 03:23:19 pm

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (my fav)

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

;x

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 19, 2008, 03:39:23 pm

Two dyslexics were in a car. One sniffed the air and said, "Can you smell petrol?"
"Don't be an " idiot,” the other replied. “I can't even smell my own name."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 19, 2008, 09:41:51 pm

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 21, 2008, 09:35:27 pm

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.

"I think my wife caught a glimpse..."

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 23, 2008, 06:22:45 pm

TWO kids were in the doctor’s waiting room. The first kid was crying and the other kid said, “What’s wrong?”
“I’m going for a blood test and that means they’re going to cut my finger,” the first kid said.
The other kid started crying as soon as he heard that and the first kid said, “What’s wrong with you?”
“I’m going for a urine test!” the first kid said.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 24, 2008, 04:45:26 pm

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!

THERE'S MORE.....

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotchooting..... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 24, 2008, 05:59:14 pm

Guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for some Viagra. "Got a prescription?" asks the pharmacist. "Nah," says the guy "but here is a picture of my wife, will that do...?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 26, 2008, 10:51:21 pm

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $5 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $5 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at $10. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $15 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50. However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

In the man's absence, the assistant told the villagers "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $45 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never again saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

And THAT ladies and gentleman is how the stock market works..

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: stuie87 on October 27, 2008, 07:48:50 am

Website says its sold out.
Can i buy this anywhere else?
I really need some for the old Camry.
I wasnt sure which tech forum to post this in so i just picked one.
;w
http://kalecoauto.com

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Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 27, 2008, 08:10:26 pm

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma had a mild stroke, couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew... "They won't let me fart."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: stuie87 on October 28, 2008, 09:21:40 am

Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The co cky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense,
'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.'

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that co cky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bit ch The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The co cky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ND69 on October 28, 2008, 09:30:22 pm

What's the difference between a stock broker and a pigeon????

The pigeon is the only one who can put a deposit a a Mercedes

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 28, 2008, 09:39:45 pm

OLD BUMPER STICKERS

OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance

OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted

OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part

OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted

OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history

OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver

OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures

OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate

OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world

OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay

OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest

OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan

OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty

OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 29, 2008, 01:58:05 pm

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming Pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim...!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Red71 on October 30, 2008, 12:12:47 am

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly , this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining ' ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 30, 2008, 08:40:16 am

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a CUT -glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 30, 2008, 03:38:38 pm

Q. WHY DO SQUIRRELS SWIM ON THEIR BACKS?
A. TO KEEP THEIR NUTS DRY.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 30, 2008, 04:33:58 pm

Three old Mustang owners are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 31, 2008, 11:20:13 am

A TRUCKIE was cruising down the highway late one night when he saw a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He pulled up and asked the yellow man if he was alright.
“I’m from Venus and I’ve arrived on your planet without anything to eat,” the man said.
“Here, have my lunch,” said the truckie, chucking down a bag of sandwiches and driving off.
A little further down the highway the truckie saw a little red man standing in the middle of the road, crying. Once again he pulled up alongside the man and asked if he was alright.
“I’m from Mars and I’ve arrived on your planet without anything to drink,” said the man.
“Here, have some Coke,” the truckie said, chucking down a can and roaring off.
Before long the truckie saw a little blue man standing in the middle of the highway. Pissed off, he stopped, rolled down his window and yelled, “Yes, you silly blue mongrel, what f...ing planet are you from and what do you want from me?”
“We’ll start with your driver’s licence, sir,” answered the copper.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on October 31, 2008, 12:50:32 pm

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss , press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is
National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering
to contact at least
one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done . Your turn!)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 31, 2008, 03:09:09 pm

Sex on Mars

The year is 2222 and Bob and Meryl land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Bob asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Meryl brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Meryl.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues! Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Meryl and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Meryl

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'It's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.

As they walked along, Bob asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Meryl, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!'

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/mad%20pictures/melvinwatsyourexcuse.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 31, 2008, 03:18:13 pm

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The littl e boy replied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 31, 2008, 03:28:05 pm

Two Kiwis, Rangi and Hemi are walking down a street in Bondi. Rangi happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Rangi says to his pal, ' Hemi, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune. Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'

'No worries, smiled Hemi, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Rangi says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...' The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'

'Well... yis,' says a surprised Rangi. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 31, 2008, 03:30:24 pm

**Lesson of the Day**

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother Couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took It do you?

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on October 31, 2008, 09:27:49 pm

Hev, That wasn't the tear 2233 was it?:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 31, 2008, 09:45:47 pm

Q. WHY IS DONALD TRUMP A GREAT BLOKE?
A. HE DOES A LOT OF WORK FOR CHARITY. FOR EXAMPLE, HE LETS A BLIND SPASTIC CUT HIS HAIR.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 01, 2008, 12:11:50 am

Beethoven Symphonies

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 01, 2008, 08:46:27 am

Q. WHAT ARE THE THREE FASTEST MEANS OF COMMUNICATION?
A. TELEVISION, TELEPHONE, TELL A WOMAN.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 02, 2008, 06:24:57 pm

The train was quite crowded, and a US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Madam, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no-one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, madam, may I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b.tch out of the window".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 02, 2008, 08:59:33 pm

Funeral

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby Melbourne cemetery. A long Black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog.

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in
single file.Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 02, 2008, 09:54:13 pm

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in. She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken.
--

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 03, 2008, 11:19:04 pm

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor ran into Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so!? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - ain't nobody under there now!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 05, 2008, 02:49:25 pm

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into
Bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your
Sleep, Ralph..‘

Ralph was stunned. ‘I‘m dead? No, I can‘t be! I‘ve got too much to live for.

Send me back!‘

St. Peter said, ‘I‘m sorry, but there‘s only one way you can go back, and
That is as a chicken.‘

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
Home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking,
And pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you‘re the new hen, huh? How‘s your first day
Here?‘

‘Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like
I‘m gonna explode!‘

‘You‘re ovulating,‘ explained the rooster. ‘Don‘t tell me you‘ve never laid an egg before? ‘

‘Never,‘ said Ralph.

‘Well, just relax and let it happen,‘ says the rooster. ‘It‘s no big deal.‘

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He
Soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head,
And heard his wife yell.....

Ralph! Wake up. You sh.t the bed!‘

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 05, 2008, 02:59:39 pm

The Koala and Lil‘ Lizard
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint.

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,

‘Hey Koala! What are you doing?‘

The koala said, ‘Smoking a joint; come up and have some.‘ So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala , where they enjoyed the weed.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this, swam over to the little lizard, and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, ‘What‘s the matter with you?‘

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out, walked into the rain forest, and found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, ‘Hey you!‘

So the koala looked down at him and said,

‘Shiiiiiiiiiiit, duuuuuude..... How much water did you drink?!!‘

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 05, 2008, 07:14:10 pm

Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent 20 years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 06, 2008, 02:52:37 pm

A COUPLE who had been married for 50 years were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife said, “Just think, 50 years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table for the first time together.”
“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably naked as a jaybirds, as well.”
“Oh yeah,” his wife giggled. “Let's relive some old times.”
After the two of them had stripped, the woman said, “You know, dear, my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.”
“I’m not surprised,” replied her husband. “One's in your coffee and the other’s in your porridge.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 06, 2008, 03:56:30 pm

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'

The elderly gentleman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
'Impossible' said the customs officer. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!'

The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.

'Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any bloo dy Frenchmen to show it to.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 06, 2008, 03:59:05 pm

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.

Bloody good value that!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 06, 2008, 06:17:08 pm

HARRY and John were working at Woomera Rocket Range and were bored shiiitless, so Harry suggested they get stuck into some rocket fuel. They siphoned some off, got into it and stumbled home.
The next morning John’s phone rang and Harry was on the other end asking, “John, how do you feel? Have you got a hangover? Are you crook in the guts?”
“Nope,” replied John.
“Have you farted yet?” asked Harry.
“Nope,” said John.
“Don’t!” yelled Harry. “I just let one off and now I’m phoning you from Singapore!”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 06, 2008, 10:43:58 pm

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

With that Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the Forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die.

And what is the moral of this story? You can't kill two birds with one stone...!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Red71 on November 07, 2008, 01:55:41 am

If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

”Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the testing, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILLI #1 - Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli

Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) -- Holy Sh1t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILLI #2 - Arthur's Afterburner Chilli

Judge #1 -- Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 -- Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILLI #3 - Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli

Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 -- A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh1t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILLI #4 - Bubba's Black Magic

Judge #1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb b1tch is starting to look HOT- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILLI #5 - Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p1sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILLI #6 - Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balances of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh1t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that s1ut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILLI #7 - Susan's screaming Sensation Chilli

Judge #1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slide unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like sh1t to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILLI #8 - Tommy's Toenail Curling Chilli

Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: BLU302 on November 07, 2008, 11:41:41 am

I just read this at work and I think I scared a little old lady:(:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 07, 2008, 01:32:24 pm

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the f..king ship?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 07, 2008, 09:16:07 pm

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a Lieutenant who inspected his men and told the 'gunny' that they smelled bad. The Lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.
The Gunny responded, "Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Dzwill. Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it."

The moral:

A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 07, 2008, 09:55:19 pm

A man goes to the doctors. The doc checks him over, and says "Sorry mate, but you have got Yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. There's nothing I can do for you - just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to wifey, and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a night out, as he's never been there before.

He gets his first card and wins four corners - prize $350, and then gets any line and wins $3200. He also calls for a full house - and wins a thousand big ones. Then the National Grid comes up and he wins a further $380,000.

The bingo caller gets him on stage, and says "Son - I've never seen you in here in all my life, but you won four corners, any line, full house and the National Grid - I've never met anyone so lucky."

"LUCKY!?" he screamed, "LUCKY!? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24." "Well bugger me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 08, 2008, 10:22:44 am

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 08, 2008, 03:17:20 pm

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
:2;+:2

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 09, 2008, 08:36:16 am

Glorious Insults

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford (one flash & it's gone. ha)

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 09, 2008, 09:05:20 am

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 09, 2008, 04:23:18 pm

Giving birth

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.

"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

;x

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 10, 2008, 04:52:37 pm

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.
So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.

''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.

''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.

''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''

''oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''

''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.

''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 10, 2008, 09:18:26 pm

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read . 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said -
'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 10, 2008, 10:03:43 pm

Carmen Will Do Anything To Get Her Citizenship
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...

1) would treat her nicely 2) wouldn't run away from her 3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 10, 2008, 10:18:13 pm

Just one part..

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 11, 2008, 06:03:18 pm

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all she could. When the time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don`t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the MUFFLER..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 11, 2008, 08:26:38 pm

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, 'I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.'
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household!
'You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
'Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.' God turned to the one man, 'How did you manage to be the only one in this line?'

The man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.'

:*

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 11, 2008, 09:06:47 pm

Mildred and Chester had known each other from childhood, but were in their nineties when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred`s mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.
Needless to say, Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk sateen nightie he gets her to sit next to him on the bed.

Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as her silk sateen nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition. In the meantime Chester is looking at the first boob he has seen since his own mother`s. It is hanging there down to her belly button; gravity having taken it`s course over some ninety years.

He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more so he pulls the second strap and sees the second boob unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart.

With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester I have acute angina."

Chester says, "I sure hope so `cause your boobs look like hell.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 14, 2008, 04:44:21 pm

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster !!

Mick came on the bus

and Paddy missed the tube :w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 15, 2008, 02:17:13 pm

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let
liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

;+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 16, 2008, 08:13:29 pm

More irish jokes..

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses &
lies on the bed spread-eagled & says

'You know what I want don't you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy.

'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 17, 2008, 02:51:19 pm

Job Interview in India

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 17, 2008, 05:02:17 pm

Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your Rrrrrr's if you get a
dodgy one!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 17, 2008, 09:56:35 pm

Barrack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's private plane.

Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Michelle added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy!"

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of their asses out of the window and make 56 million people very happy!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 17, 2008, 10:00:10 pm

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say
'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 17, 2008, 10:07:50 pm

George meets his best friend Michael in the street and is very excited. Asked why, George tells Michael that he has heard of a brilliant new brothel.

"Why is it brilliant?" asks Michael. George says, "Well you go in there at 9am, have all the sex you can handle until 12:30, stop for a 3 course lunch, and have all the sex you can cope with until 4.30pm. Then you have chocolate cake and coffee and just as you leave they give you $500 in your hand!"

"Jesus!" says Michael. "Where is this place?" George says "I don't know, but I'll ask my wife tonight when she comes home."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 19, 2008, 04:19:07 pm

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have
Bluetongue.

'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 19, 2008, 10:02:00 pm

A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl. She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to her place 'for a coffee'. When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee. "I am your sex slave!" she says, "I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want" Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't believe his luck so he says: "I really fancy a 69". "Frig Off" she replies... "I'm not cooking at this time of night!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 20, 2008, 04:50:47 pm

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a
death trap!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on November 21, 2008, 11:15:47 am

The difference between Kingaroy and Melbourne

In the interests of national harmony, the Kingaroy Shire Council extends a warm welcome to all those people from Melbourne who wish to visit our fair town. However, previous misunderstandings have made it essential that we hand out the following flyers to those Melbournites interested in spending any length of time in or around Kingaroy, or in interacting with our friendly locals.

Please, be aware of the following guidelines:

Let's get this straight: we have four stoplights in town. We stop when they're red. We may stop when they're yellow. Hell, we may even stop when they're green if we see something interesting across the road.

It's called a 'dirt road.' Yes, we still have some here and there. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. We have four-wheel drives because we use them. Drive or get out of the way.

Any references to "bush pigs" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked ... by our women.

Go ahead and bring your $800.00 Orvis Fly Rod to fish with. Don't cry to us if a bass or golden perch breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 10-inchers you fish for... bait.

That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym. He doesn't need your respect, but he sure as hell deserves it.

Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatevers, and wear your hair long, go right ahead - but if we call you ma'am, don't be offended.

Yes, we have civilisation here. We've got a new Aldi, a new Hungry Jacks, a new Harvey Norman, and a new mine opening. We've even got a world class shopping centre, a Mitre-10 Megastore, mobile reception all through town, and our property values have jumped by 20% in the last few months. How's Melbourne doing with that?

That's right. A stubbie at a pub is only two bucks. We can buy a carton for what you paid in Melbourne for a six pack.

No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Order a two-pound lobster and steamers. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice, or in a can.

Yes, there is a coal mine nearby. It feeds the Tarong Power Station, which provides between a quarter and a third of Queensland's energy. And not only will the mine soon be moving closer to town, we hear a second mine will soon be opening near Kingaroy too. Don't like coal? Coal in town means good people are working.

So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar peanut harvesters that we use three weeks a year.

Yeah, we eat perch. And bass. And two pound beef steaks. We eat freshwater lobster, scallops, and clams, too. You want sushi and caviar? They're available at the bait shop.

They are cattle. That's what they smell like. Sometimes they even get through fences, and they don't really grasp the concept of roads, so keep an eye out when you're driving. You might want to note that a dried cow pat was how the first frisbee was invented.

Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It scares the fish. No, there's no crocodiles, but if you hit into the rough, we have these things called red belly blacks, and they're not football players.

Most people in utes wave. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

We don't do 'hurry up' well.

So you've got a two bedroom investment unit in Toorak that you paid half a million dollars for and rent out for 3% returns? Oooo, we're real impressed. We've got four bedroom Queenslander houses on 1200 square metre ResB blocks two streets from the town centre selling for $230,000, and making 5%. Our houses have yards that kids can throw a ball for a dog in. How exactly do you do that in your Melbourne matchboxes?

The iconic Peanut Van and some of the local vinyards are really tourist traps that no self-respecting Kingaroy native visits (unless we actually want some decent wine or peanuts), but we won't tell you that because we want your tourist dollars. Besides, how else will we unload all those "authentic" Kingaroy artifacts that were made in Taiwan?

You'll notice when there are flocks of native parrots flying overhead, the locals don't speak if they look up at them because of two things: bird poop and gravity.

Cars with Victorian license plates are treated with great respect, and given a wide berth, as everyone knows Victorians can't drive.

We have fruit bats. They poo. It peels paint. You park your BMW under a fruit tree, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

Unless followed by the word "Sucks," the term "AFL" should never be spoken in Kingaroy. If it is, we will assume that the handbag your wife is holding belongs to you. We follow Rugby Union or even Rugby League. We have no idea what soccer is.

Welcome to Kingaroy...The Way Life Should Be.

Now Go Home.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 21, 2008, 12:37:39 pm

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of
amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 28, 2008, 03:54:10 pm

Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Auslayne on November 29, 2008, 10:37:19 am

Mate of mine goes to the doc last week for a complete check-up.
He'd been examined for only a few minutes when the doc stood back and said in a stern voice-
"Mr. Smith, the masturbation will just have to stop!"
"Why's that doc?" my mate said.
"Because, said the doc, I'm trying to examine you!!"
:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 29, 2008, 05:40:22 pm

Don't you hate that when a Master Bate joke doesn't work.. :w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 30, 2008, 06:01:41 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Mac1
Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers

I feel real smart this morning.....after all the beer I consumed last night I might just be electable for university soon..........hic:2;+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 01, 2008, 05:09:34 pm

A world renowned cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said,

"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral....I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

;x

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 01, 2008, 05:53:56 pm

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said, "Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters." "Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?" said Julia. "Well," said Rudd, "we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush." "Right." Said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate," said Rudd to the bartender, "Two middies of your best beer." "Good afternoon Leader," said the bartender, "Two middies of our best coming up." Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me," said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?" "Strewth no!" said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two a.seholes!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 04, 2008, 10:42:28 pm

A redneck from Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see god's country. When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.

He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."

The redneck promptly answers, "That thar's a white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."

The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.

That's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet. The foreman is really impressed with the good ol" boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator.

One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, "White oak, 242 board feet at best".

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there?" I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree!!

The foreman thinks to himself, "idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?" When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk.

He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "That thar's the front", the redneck says. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "how in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"

Bubba looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz somebody took a crap behind it!" He got the job and is now the foreman.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 05, 2008, 03:53:44 pm

What if
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?
Which is the other side of the street?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 06, 2008, 08:59:42 am

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out... "Holy sh.t! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
--

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: stuie87 on December 09, 2008, 07:36:38 pm

Stolen from another website........

According to a Marine Pilot:

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai. It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this...

Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence).

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 09, 2008, 07:57:54 pm

WHEN Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
“Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. He said, “Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. “Here,” she said. “You must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?”
“Tarzan check for bees.”
:w:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 09, 2008, 09:34:02 pm

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effor t you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 09, 2008, 10:06:40 pm

Q. WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT BREADCRUMBS IN THE TOILET?
A. TO FEED THE TOILET DUCK.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 11, 2008, 04:32:45 pm

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement ...

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then, you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 11, 2008, 04:35:39 pm

Q. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE 80KG MAN WHO HAD 40KG TESTICLES?
A. HE WAS HALF NUTS.
:w:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: stuie87 on December 11, 2008, 06:32:01 pm

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 11, 2008, 07:15:27 pm

Quote

Originally posted by stuie87

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Been there done that

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 11, 2008, 07:17:26 pm

A vicar checks-in to a hotel and says to the hotel clerk, "I hope the p rn channel in my room is disabled." She replies, "No... It's just regular p rn you sick bastard!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 11, 2008, 09:56:23 pm

A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,’ Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 11, 2008, 11:01:12 pm

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course my child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

The priest answered: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you".

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 11, 2008, 11:04:55 pm

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on December 12, 2008, 04:18:05 am

Quote

Originally posted by stuie87

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Knew a chick like this once.....just it wasnt food.

and Im sure it wasnt to measure what she could swallow;}

doesnt own a monkey either...go figure:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on December 12, 2008, 06:46:41 am

An oldy but a goody

A Sydney businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except the Voodoo Penis!'
The husband said 'The what?'
The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis.'
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband immediately bought it. He took it home to his wife, and after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to send it back to its box!
So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got a Voodoo Penis stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 12, 2008, 02:18:11 pm

Michael was hauled up on assault charges. And it wasn't the first time Michael was standing in front of this particular judge. The judge eyed Michael sternly and said, "It says here that you beat up your friend George. This isn't the first time you two have come to blows. Tell me why I shouldn't send you off to jail." "Well, your honour, it's like this," Michael began, "we were in the bar, sitting real peaceful. Then George turns to me and said, 'you know, Michael, the only danged reason you're behaving is you're afraid of that a..hole judge.' Well, Your Honour, when he said that about you, I just busted him in the mouth."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 12, 2008, 02:35:36 pm

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. Then the old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three prozzo's in a pop-up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu ...

It was unanimous -- the aboriginal won!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 12, 2008, 02:38:55 pm

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said "Give me Liberty , or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!"

Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "censored A the Indians,"

"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, " Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're censored Aed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq , 2007."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 12, 2008, 02:42:05 pm

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick shites like you that give us Irish a bad name!
If I could swim, I'd come over there & kick the fook out of you !'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 12, 2008, 02:54:04 pm

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit annoyed by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says, in the best Chinese accent ever, "You not Nissan Main Deala?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 12, 2008, 02:58:31 pm

An Irish priest is driving his '68 Fastback down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 12, 2008, 03:03:06 pm

AFTER hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong.”
She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice-cream van hadn’t come along.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 12, 2008, 11:32:04 pm

The federal government is sending each and every pensioner over $ 1000-00 for Christmas.

If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China .

If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.

if we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan ,

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , China and Guatemala ,

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan ,

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none of it will help the Australian economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer – since these are the only products still produced in Australia .

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on December 13, 2008, 12:00:10 am

(http://i376.photobucket.com/albums/oo205/Shermatt_com/caveman.gif)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 13, 2008, 02:07:37 pm

At 78 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 78 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action.

And, once again they enjoy each other, but as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 14, 2008, 04:14:13 pm

Flynn staggered home very late after another late evening with his Mustang drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary and pulled the fuse from the box so the clock would die and the time couldn't be seen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....

it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 15, 2008, 05:50:42 pm

A COUPLE made a deal that whoever died first would come back and tell the other what happens, as their biggest fear was that there was no sex after life. After a long time together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.
“Judy!” he cried. “I've come back like we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?” she enquired.
“Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. I have breakfast, then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple more times. Then I have lunch – you’d be proud, lots of greens – another romp around the golf course, then I pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper it’s back to the golf course again, then more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”
“Oh, honey!” she sighed. “You must be in heaven!”
“Not exactly... I’m a rabbit on a golf course in Port Macquarie.”
;4

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 15, 2008, 05:56:57 pm

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 15, 2008, 06:10:52 pm

What do you think the man said as he was about to leave after this romantic encounter?

..................

..................wait for it...

He said, "Keep an eye out for me."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 15, 2008, 06:11:24 pm

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on December 15, 2008, 10:34:40 pm

I sore that one comin:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 16, 2008, 08:21:40 pm

The other day, Bill's wife asked him to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. She hit him over the head when he came back with 'A Fish Called Wanda'.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 16, 2008, 09:09:21 pm

A Fairy Tale

One day, a long, long, time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine,
nag, or bitch.

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on December 16, 2008, 10:55:10 pm

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 17, 2008, 12:12:48 pm

Tools explained for xmas.

With Christmas just around the corner, I thought it important that the women in our lives know what to buy us for Christmas gifts. This will help them explain to the clerk at Kmart just exactly what they are looking for. Remember, it is important that they get the tool at Bunning’s, due to Bunning’s knows Mikey on a first name basis and we might get better service. That way, when you snap a screwdriver tip off while using said tool as a pry bar or chisel, you don't even have to make up a story about how your wife broke it. Besides, the guys at Bunning’s have heard all the ways a wife broke a tool already.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ALLEN HEAD WRENCH: Used to round out the inside of screws. Also handy for destroying a TORX HEAD screw.

TORX HEAD WRENCH: See Allen Head Wrench

SCREW EXTRACTOR: Designed to complicate removal of rounded out screws by breaking off in the hole you just drilled

JACK STANDS: A metal device used to prevent storage of anything else in the corner of the garage.

SHOP LIGHT: A device designed to break light bulbs once you are under the vehicle.

OIL DRAIN PAN: Used to catch and lubricate the drain plug and wrench you were using. Also useful for the temporary storage of drain oil, and known to self empty as you slide it out from under the vehicle.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on December 18, 2008, 08:17:14 am

so true

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: stuie87 on December 18, 2008, 09:30:30 pm

Jokes That Can Be Told In Church

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?""
The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today
is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the
groom wearing black?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed
herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began
to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't
shove me either!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The
first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on
piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
collect all the money!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no
male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I
don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother,"
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when
they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were
ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny
responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 18, 2008, 09:47:10 pm

True(?)-Weird News stories

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
11. A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.
12. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.
13. Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
14. Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
15. George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
16. Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla, in 1981, sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
17. In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
18. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
19. Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.
20. In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit, Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials said he would recover.
21. While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.
22. In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.
23. Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
24. An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, coming to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on December 19, 2008, 08:17:03 am

Irish Vasectomy

After having their 11th child and Irish couple decided that was enough as they couldn't afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large fire-cracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest
guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3,4, 5,'at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand, Tasmania, Mt Gambier and
several suburbs in Brisbane.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 19, 2008, 03:17:14 pm

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivalled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Skippy, get away from her, before she sh.ts on you!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 20, 2008, 09:22:52 pm

Birthday present

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle as he wanted to experience going fast. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job, the Mustang goes though, as for the bike there's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with the Mustang going, a $280,000 mortgage & no bike."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 20, 2008, 09:25:35 pm

Santa

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.

Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours -- all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus, the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass....

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 22, 2008, 10:21:08 am

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

* 7. Mustangitis --- Santas red '69 slay is coming to town.

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- - Jingle Bells,! Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

* 11. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 22, 2008, 10:16:07 pm

If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit, and if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then let's face it.... you're probably drunk!
--
:2:2:2:2
Have a good one:2

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 23, 2008, 06:54:47 am

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 23, 2008, 04:49:06 pm

Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me fifty bucks, and vice versa."

Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $50, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!"

This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a $50 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer, starts Googling, hits Wikipedia, Asks Jeeves... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes Santa and hands him $500. Santa thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the bloody answer?" Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer $50, and goes back to sleep...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 23, 2008, 09:08:51 pm

X-mas stamps

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on December 23, 2008, 09:33:06 pm

The Lone Ranger is ambushed and captured by an Indian Chief who says he will be executed in three days.

He appeals to the Chief to be allowed to say a few words to his trusty horse.

Surprisingly, later that day a tall, slim Brunette arrives and hops into the Lone Ranger's Teepee for the night.

The Chief is impressed but still gives the Lone Ranger just two more days.

Once again the Lone Ranger pleads to speak to his horse Silver.

That afternoon Silver returns with a stunning Blonde who again disappears straight into the Lone Ranger's Teepee.

The Indian Chief's eyes boggle, but the Lone Ranger is given but one day to live.

So he begs to speak with his beloved horse for the one last time.

The Lone Ranger then grabs Silver by both ears and forces the horse to look right into his eyes.

"You effing idiot, I told you to"..........

FETCH POSSE.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 24, 2008, 05:52:45 pm

A little boy was sitting on Santa's lap. Santa pointed his finger in the boys face, and said "George I know what you want for Christmas! A T-O-Y!?" "Nope!" replied George. Then again, pointing his finger in the boys face "You want C-A-N-D-Y!?" "Nope!" replied George. "Then just what do you want, ask Santa." George looked Santa in the face, pointing his finger, "I want some P-U-S-S-Y! And don't tell me that you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 24, 2008, 07:01:24 pm

Why Men are never Depressed

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.

You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000, tux rental-$100 . People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Y our belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. There is always your Mustang to drive.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 24, 2008, 08:26:32 pm

This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork. "About two hours," says the conductor. "OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?" The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why would you think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas!"
--

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 25, 2008, 03:09:19 pm

Sex-Ed.
I once took a sex-education class in college and a funny thing happened one day.
The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and asked us how many positions did we know. I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve."
The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another student, there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat auditorium, "A hundred and one."
The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who had spoken. Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who replied, "Seven."
And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."
Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer.
Finally she said, "Only one, sir."
And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"
"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
From the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 27, 2008, 11:09:46 am

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions". "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?" "Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 27, 2008, 11:37:52 am

Grandpa

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels, Mustangs and women with big boobs".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 27, 2008, 08:23:56 pm

Finally, Christmas was over and the elves were taking off for their well deserved vacation.

Chandro the Lead Elf says, "Man, I've been waiting for this for six months. I'm getting my ass down to Miami. I'm gonna do nothin, but suck down margaritas, bang as many babes as I can, and soak up the sun til I get this dang cold out of my bones."

So he gets to Miami, checks into his hotel and then heads straight for the bar. He spots a gorgeous, tall, well built blonde sitting alone sipping a drink.

So he goes over, climbs on the stool next to her and orders a margarita. He downs it, orders another one, downs that too. He smiles at the blonde and says, "Hi sweetie, I'm Chandro, Santa's lead elf. What would you say to a little f..k?"

She looks down and says. "Hello, you little f..k."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 28, 2008, 06:59:52 pm

A HUSBAND and wife were waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joined them after a few minutes. When the bus arrived, they found it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids were able to fit onto the bus.
The husband and the blind man decided to walk. After a while, the husband became irritated by the ticking of the blind man’s stick as he tapped it on the sidewalk, and said to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”
The blind man replied, “If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 30, 2008, 06:37:47 pm

Elephant In My Pants

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure." The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says: "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets
progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my butt!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 31, 2008, 06:01:52 pm

New Years Eve Party

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away .. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 01, 2009, 12:18:55 pm

Parrot Sex Therapist

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my old fella, you dummy!"

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, and most any subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you are exactly what I am looking for." The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the Pope did so and so, etc.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says, "Oh, that was probably a momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says, "He did?"

The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says, "My God! What happened next?!?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 01, 2009, 12:44:34 pm

Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring,

wedding ring, and

suffering. ;]

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on January 01, 2009, 02:49:52 pm

Why do a 'Stang and a bikini top need each other ?

Well if a strap breaks............

one Mustang !!!.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 01, 2009, 04:45:44 pm

Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they drove their new hired Mustang to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?.
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Angela and everyone needs a break." she replied.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 01, 2009, 06:00:30 pm

Daily Pennance

One Sunday, a priest asked one of the church janitor if he would cover his Confession shift for him -- he said it was easy, since he had a sin list inside the booth which listed both sins and penance.

The janitor agreed and took the booth early on Sunday morning. Soon people showed up.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery."

"Adultery, eh?" the janitor said. "You sly devil. That'll be three Hail Mary's, plus five bucks."

"Thank you, Father." Another person came into the booth.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have embezzled money from work."

"Embezzlement, eh? Naughty, naughty. That'll be 5 Hail Mary's, plus fourteen bucks."

"Thank you, Father." This was easy, the janitor thought. Another person came into the booth.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed the sin of oral sex."

"Oral sex, huh?" He looked at the list, but didn't see butt-sex there. So, he excused himelf to look for help. He found an alter boy hanging out on the steps of the church.

"Excuse me," the janitor said. "What does Father Matthew give for oral sex?"

"Well," said the boy, "usually just milk and cookies, but sometimes a Snickers."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 01, 2009, 08:57:47 pm

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed too qualified for the job.

'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in picking lemons?'

'Well, as a matter of fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've been divorced three times.'

:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 01, 2009, 10:41:37 pm

An Irish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the hell out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on January 02, 2009, 04:44:12 pm

Chap is staggering along the median strip after a massive New Year's eve.

Its 5.00am, and a passing cop asks him what he's up to.

"On the way to attend thish 2 hour lecture ya shee" he slurs on his wobbly legs.

So the cop says "don't give me that bull.......where would a lecture be starting at sparrow's on New Year's day"

"My joint as soon as I front the missus".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 02, 2009, 06:30:18 pm

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip ,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
closest thing i have to a son-in-law.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 02, 2009, 07:48:09 pm

Little Joey

Little Joey was sitting in the back of class rubbing his crotch, and the teacher asked, “Joey what are you doing?” Joey replied, “Teacher, my mommy had me circumsized yesterday and it still hurts.” So the teacher sent Joey to the principal's office to call his mother and ask what he should do.

When Joey came back from the office, the teacher noticed that he had his penis hanging out. Shocked, the teacher asked, “Joey, what are you doing!?” Joey answered, “Mommy told me to stick it out till lunch and then she would be here to pick me up.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 06, 2009, 04:35:42 pm

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

::

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 06, 2009, 04:44:51 pm

I Lost My Car.

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssombody stole my car" the man replies.

The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thiss key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out -

"SON OF A B...H ----- THEY GOT MY GIRLFRIEND, TOO!!!!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 06, 2009, 09:50:30 pm

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 06, 2009, 10:24:22 pm

An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, "Wife Name - Three Horse."
"That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?"
"It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 07, 2009, 04:03:06 pm

A TEACHER was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asked the teacher, “Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you’re getting your birds mixed up.”
“No, Johnny, it’s definitely a stork. Why do you think that, though?”
He replied, “Well, my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 07, 2009, 07:43:31 pm

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk toher, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,'Take the poison..'

:o

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 07, 2009, 08:07:23 pm

A little girl says to her mother, "Mom how old are you?"

The mother says,"Honey your not supposed to ask a lady her age."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on January 08, 2009, 12:16:02 am

Two men were standing side by side at the urinal.

One says to the other "So you were circumcised by Rabbi Samuel".

"What", says the other, "how on earth would you know that"

"Well he always cuts on the angle, and you're peeing down my leg".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on January 08, 2009, 04:17:26 am

just sharin a funny gif

http://s376.photobucket.com/albums/oo205/Shermatt_com/?action=view&current=monkey.gif

http://i376.photobucket.com/albums/oo205/Shermatt_com/monkey.gif

<a href="http://s376.photobucket.com/albums/oo205/Shermatt_com/?action=view&current=monkey.gif" target="_blank"><img src="http://i376.photobucket.com/albums/oo205/Shermatt_com/monkey.gif" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

(http://i376.photobucket.com/albums/oo205/Shermatt_com/monkey.gif)

Didnt know which code to use so i used em all
sorry

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on January 08, 2009, 07:20:33 am

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples , Florida . They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents. 'They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?' There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.' The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other...They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they have spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?' 'I'm a retired tailor from Boston ,' the bartender said, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.' Wow!!!! That's quite a story, says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired farts from Ohio. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'

spose this only makes sence if your from da USA

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on January 08, 2009, 09:57:43 am

And Matt, from spending quite a bit of time in NY.

Two guys get chatting on the bus, and it gets around to religion.

"What are you ?"

"I'm a reformed Ecopalian"

"Never heard of it"

"Well it's an Episcopalian with the p1ss taken out"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 08, 2009, 03:21:39 pm

I'm Thor

The Viking God of Thunder Thor, and his buddy Odin were chillin in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin, "It's been a long time now. I really need to get laid."

Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a 'lady of the night' and treat her to your manly pleasures."

And this Thor did. The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told him what happened the night before. "My friend," he said, grinning from ear to ear, "It was wonderful. We had hot crazy sex 38 times.."

"38 times!" exclaimed Odin. "That poor woman! These mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!"

So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..."

"You're Thor?" shouted the girl. "You're Thor? What about me? I'm tho thor I can't thpeak and can hardly pith!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 08, 2009, 03:37:06 pm

Divorce letter

Dear Meg,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Meg ."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Erie House and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?
But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed?
Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Meg? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her tartty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch.
Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Meg , I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around.
I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Meg ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicki's just a girl and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Meg, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
happier times. Here's this girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicki's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it
and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Meg. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the f@cking remote is.

Love, Jimmy

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 08, 2009, 03:52:31 pm

Carpenter, Dentist, And The Other Guy

A couple was planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn't have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided to just go back to their new apartment after the wedding.

The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing practical jokes. One being a construction worker, the other an ordinary guy, and the third a dentist.

They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married friends. The construction worker decided he would cut the slats in the bed so that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The ordinary guy decided to short sheet the bed, so that when they got into it their feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do.

A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. "Dear friends, we didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I'm gonna kill the ba..ard that put the Novocaine in the anal lube!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 08, 2009, 10:03:26 pm

ex-girlfriend

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...

...so I told her to nick off.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 09, 2009, 05:20:31 pm

ONE blonde in Brisbane asked another, “Which is further, Melbourne or the moon?”
The other blonde replied, “Hello? Can you see Melbourne from here?”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 11, 2009, 08:43:30 pm

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning each of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 11, 2009, 10:38:29 pm

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....
Helllloooo!!!.........bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions...8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in a rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it ?

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 12, 2009, 05:48:12 pm

I Hate Weddings:
I hate them because the old people always poke you and say "Your next!."

So I started doing the same thing to them... at funerals.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on January 12, 2009, 10:31:31 pm

No pokes at any weddings yet.................but there's always hope !. :w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 12, 2009, 10:42:17 pm

Riddle:

What has a hundred balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 12, 2009, 10:49:24 pm

FRUIT FLIES

This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor. "Doctor I think I have the crabs." "When was the last time you had sex?" The doctor asks. "I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin." she replied. The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her. After the examination he said, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you don't have the crabs. The bad news is you've got fruit flies." "Fruit flies?" asks granny. "Yeah," says the doctor. "Your cherry rotted."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 13, 2009, 05:01:41 pm

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of w h o r e s."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 13, 2009, 09:06:58 pm

The Italian says, “When I’ve a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her kneesa, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy”.

The Frenchman replies, “Zat is nothing, when Ah ‘ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy”.

The Aussie says, “Mate, that’s nothing. When I’ve finished shaggin me sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me di*ck on the curtains. And MATE ….. She hits the fu*cking roof. GO THE AUSSIES

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 14, 2009, 09:47:37 pm

Q. WHAT DO A CATHOLIC PRIEST AND A PINT OF GUINNESS HAVE IN COMMON?
A. THEY’VE BOTH GOT A BLACK COAT, A WHITE COLLAR AND YOU'VE GOT TO WATCH YOUR BUTT IF YOU GET A DODGY ONE.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 15, 2009, 04:10:48 pm

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "
DELETE."

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

:o

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 15, 2009, 05:42:33 pm

A MAN was visiting Spain and he passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a bullfight. An ad out the front said that the establishment served the b.alls of the bull who lost the bullfight.
Intrigued, the man went inside only to find that there was a six-week waiting list to eat the loser's b.alls. So he signed up and came back six weeks later.
When he got his meal, there were two teeny, tiny ba.lls on his plate. He called the waiter over to complain. “I've waited six weeks for bull b.alls. What are these?” he enquired.
The waiter replied, “Sir, the bull doesn't always lose.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 15, 2009, 06:52:18 pm

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female....... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys..

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female..... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ..... . . They already have boyfriends.

He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

:*

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 15, 2009, 09:59:40 pm

WHAT DID ONE SAGGY BOOB SAY TO THE OTHER?

“IF WE DON’T GET SOME SUPPORT SOON, PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THINK WE’RE NUTS.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 15, 2009, 10:14:30 pm

HOW MANY PLUMBERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
A. NONE. YOU NEED AN ELECTRICIAN, YOU DAFT BASTA..RD

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 16, 2009, 06:15:18 pm

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 17, 2009, 11:55:33 am

My mate went for a meal at his local Chinese restaurant. Having just finished his meal he asked the waiter if he could speak to the chef. The chef arrived at his table and my mate said, "That chicken was f.cking rubbery". The chef replied, "Ah, fank you velly much".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: IGALOP on January 17, 2009, 06:42:43 pm

After a meal , do amphibians have to wait an hour before they get out of the water??

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 18, 2009, 04:38:05 pm

Choking On Chicken

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in Newfoundland. She orders the chicken and starts to eat.

Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Buford and Buck 2 redneck boys in the next booth notice she is choking.

So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.

The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck "You're right, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm.";x

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 19, 2009, 06:18:03 pm

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" She said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new set of bathroom scales.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 19, 2009, 09:57:13 pm

Fart
You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus

Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. ............

You're listening to your IPod !
;+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 19, 2009, 10:11:58 pm

After a hard night's drinking in their local bar, a man brings his friends back to his new apartment.
He shows them the Kitchen, Bathroom and Living room and finally, the Bedroom.
Whilst in the Bedroom, he points to a massive gong in the corner and says to his friends:
"That's my talking clock in the corner there",
One of his friends replies "That's not a clock, it's a gong!"
Upon hearing this, he says "Oh yeah? Watch this!" and picks up a mallet by his bed and whacks the gong as hard as he can.
The noise is deafening, ear-shatteringly loud.
His friend says "I don't get it, how's that a talking clock?"

To which he replies "Just wait for it."
Seconds later, they hear furious banging on the wall, followed by "SHUT THE F.CK UP! IT'S 3 0'CLOCK IN THE F.CKING MORNING!!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on January 20, 2009, 10:00:33 am

Hillbilly Jed takes his daughter into see the doctor,
Say's.....Hey doc I wunna put my little girl on da pill........
Doc say's...... How old is she there Jed?
Fifteen! .....says Jed.
Fifteen ya say Jed!...........Is she sexually active Jed?
Nope.....slow and lazy just like her mumma!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 20, 2009, 04:36:04 pm

Po.no Video Blonde.

A blonde decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie.

She drives to the local Video Palace and makes her way to the adult section in the back.

After looking around at titles, she selects something that sounds very very hot.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into some lingerie, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment there’s nothing but fuzz and static on the screen.

She calls the store to complain and says,

“I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”

The cashier apologized about the defective video and asked,

“Which title did you rent?”

The blonde replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.’” :+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 20, 2009, 05:31:52 pm

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the coffee machine the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the coffee machine to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like SH!T t.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 20, 2009, 05:33:27 pm

Can't I say "L A Y you or J A C K off ?"

as in fire?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 20, 2009, 05:54:22 pm

Hey Mac the auto censor can be a bit touchy and spoil a good joke. I have found the edit feature very helpfull almost immediately after posting .
That way the censor doesn't destroy the joke.
Bloody hell wot's going to happen when Kevin 07 and his version of net nanny starts.:i:i:i:i:i:i:i:i:i:i

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 20, 2009, 06:01:13 pm

Three Hicks

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Ted, Bruce and Jed. Ted falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Ted's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Ted's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 20, 2009, 08:51:08 pm

During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 20, 2009, 09:49:39 pm

Dr. Seuss Lost Tongue Twister.

Instructions:

1. Read each line aloud.

THIS is this cat
THIS is is cat
THIS is how cat
THIS is to cat
THIS is keep cat
THIS is a cat
THIS is dumbas cat
THIS is busy cat
THIS is for cat
THIS is thirty cat
THIS is seconds cat

2. Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the TOP.

3.DUMBAS'
.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 21, 2009, 04:04:43 pm

Today's Irish joke

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'

'Bejaysus Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because,' said Mick, 'the whole street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'

Paddy said, 'Stupid bastards, the laugh's on them ... I wasn't home yesterday.'

;]

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 21, 2009, 07:09:01 pm

The Fisherman

One day a fisherman was laying down on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole sticking up in the dirt and his single line cast out into the shiny blue surf. He was enjoying the heat of the afternoon sun and the hope of catching a fish.

About that instance, a rich guy came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the rich guy to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the rich guy, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the rich guy's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The rich guy replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The rich guy was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The rich guy was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The rich guy was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Red71 on January 22, 2009, 01:35:27 am

I don't know if this one has been posted before, but here goes.

Hung Chow calls into work and says,

'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I need sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon . . . You got nice house

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on January 22, 2009, 10:49:13 am

Chinese El Cheapo Private Eye.

A guy suspected his wife was having a bit on the side, so he hired the cheapest private detective he could find, who just happened to be a Chinese chap.

Who reported back -

Most honourable sir
You leave house
I watch house
He come house
I keep watch
He and she leave house
I follow
He and she go hotel
I climb tree
I look window
He kiss she
He strip she
She strip he
He play with she
She play with he
I play with me
I fall off tree
I no see.

So no fee

Cheng Lee

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 22, 2009, 05:58:11 pm

Q. WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS AN LSD TABLET WITH A CONTRACEPTIVE PILL?
A. A TRIP WITHOUT THE KIDS.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Red71 on January 23, 2009, 09:00:39 am

A man owned a small farm in the south west of Qld.

The Union heard that he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent a Union Rep down to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the Union Rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $800 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $850 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the halfwit who works 18 hours a day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to --- the halfwit,' said the Union Rep.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 23, 2009, 04:30:46 pm

A man on a beach sees a shark near a child in the shallows. Ignoring personal safety, he dives in the water and, with his bare hands, kills the shark. He brings the tot to shore and is met with tumultuous applause from spectators. "Geez, mate" says a reporter "You should get a medal. What part of Australia are you from?" Modestly our hero says: "Actually I'm from England"

The next days newspaper headline says "Pommy mongrel kills child's pet"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 26, 2009, 08:32:22 pm

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice - even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Judith

PS : Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: GT Sally on January 27, 2009, 06:35:27 pm

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.

After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."

Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 27, 2009, 08:13:11 pm

A detective interrogates three blondes who are preparing to become detectives. To test their skills at recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a photo for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you identify him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The detective says, "Well, uh, thats because the photo shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this preposterous response, he flashes the photo for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you identify him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The detective angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a photo of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the photo to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you identify him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the photo intently for a moment and says, "Hmm - the suspect wears contact lenses."

The detective is surprised and overwhelmed because he really doesn't know if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an fascinating answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspects file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I cant believe it. It's true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 28, 2009, 06:10:55 pm

Q. HOW MANY ALZHEIMER'S PATIENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
A. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on January 30, 2009, 07:04:20 am

A REAL Local add placed online

posting someone found and emailed it to me today.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)
Reply to: pers-982078099 Date:2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST

I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message.
I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.
So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.
If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!
- Alex

Just thought it was funny

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 30, 2009, 06:12:34 pm

In a recent survey carried out, people from Chicago, Illinois have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Chicago's inner city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on January 31, 2009, 02:19:44 pm

GYPPED ON MONEY EXCHANGE

Ahead of a friend at the money exchange counter at the local bank, was a very irritated asian lady.

He overheard the following conversation.

"Why it change" she said, "Yesterday I get two hunat dollars for yen, today only hunat and eighty"

"Why you short change me today?.

The teller shrugs his shoulders and says "fluctuations"

Asian lady replies "and fluc all you white people as well".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 01, 2009, 09:55:13 am

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez, thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?" "Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 02, 2009, 11:22:46 pm

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: GT Sally on February 04, 2009, 12:13:57 pm

After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over.

"You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 04, 2009, 04:33:24 pm

AN ARABIC family were considering putting their grandfather, Abdullah, in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home. After he’d spent a few weeks in the Italian facility, they went to visit him.
“How do you like it here?” asked the grandson.
“It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” replied Abdullah.
“Good! We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.”
''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,” Abdullah said with a big smile. “There's a musician here. He's 85. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro.’
“There’s a judge in here who is 95. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honour.’
“There's a dentist here who is 90. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doctor.’
“And I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me ‘The F..king Arab.’”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 05, 2009, 05:28:53 pm

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

;+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 05, 2009, 07:28:50 pm

One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, a policeman stopped him. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife." said the man.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 05, 2009, 09:17:29 pm

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 05, 2009, 09:50:37 pm

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex... The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Paddy replied, "No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all. My wife won twice last week."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on February 06, 2009, 12:58:06 pm

I took my dad (he is 92) to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response.

In c lassic style, he did not bat an eye and replied:

"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on February 06, 2009, 12:59:04 pm

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:

"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: "I didn't feel a thing."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on February 06, 2009, 01:00:37 pm

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan ,
Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar,
warned Australia that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Australia 's supply of convenience store managers.

And if this action does not yield sufficient results,
cab drivers will be next,followed by Telstra customer Service reps, Centrelink office workers and Queensland doctors.

Its going to get ugly folks...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on February 06, 2009, 01:08:42 pm

Bubba Had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor ' s office should appreciate this! Doesn ' t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here ' s what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor ' s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse ' s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ' em??"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on February 06, 2009, 01:16:04 pm

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.?

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen...'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 06, 2009, 05:05:36 pm

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly b.tch he's runnin' around with."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 06, 2009, 06:16:06 pm

> A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine
> sitting by herself : Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?"
>
> Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'

Man:
> 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'

Maxine: 'No, they
> spread.'
>

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 06, 2009, 06:18:20 pm

I can't say C O C K T A I L ...??

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 06, 2009, 06:19:09 pm

Thats to drink !!.... not tell them.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 07, 2009, 09:10:58 am

Redneck War Cry

What does a redneck say before he gets injured?

“Watch this!”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 07, 2009, 11:24:51 am

> "I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told
> his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back,
> and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime
> scene."
>
> "Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
>
> "Your cholesterol is only 4.6."
>

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 07, 2009, 11:24:26 pm

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea." I'd like some raisin bread please", the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on.

Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!!!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?" "No,"croaks the old man...."But it's startin' to twitch." ::

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 10, 2009, 08:16:37 pm

How did Captain Hook die?

He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on February 11, 2009, 08:30:31 am

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother 'Don't eat it, it's an ass hole

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/mad%20pictures/food.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 11, 2009, 01:59:59 pm

Q. WHY HAVEN’T THEY PUT A WOMAN ON THE MOON YET?

A. IT DOESN’T NEED CLEANING.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 11, 2009, 05:34:53 pm

The Harley Davidson Co., feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about himself and wanting to see a few shocked workers in the place, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that f*%king slacker did here?"
From across the room came a
voice:

"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 11, 2009, 06:31:39 pm

Q. HOW DO YOU MAKE A DOG GO MIAOW?

A. FREEZE IT, THEN PUT IT THROUGH A BANDSAW.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 11, 2009, 08:51:04 pm

Horny Parrot

A guy has a horny parrot, he watches and says everything the owner does. But, every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things.

Finally he takes the parrot to a vet. The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine." The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??"

Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars. The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage. The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain. The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage, pulling out all her feathers.

He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!"

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: moe on February 11, 2009, 09:03:12 pm

Quote

Originally posted by jmd1
Q. HOW DO YOU MAKE A DOG GO MIAOW?

A. FREEZE IT, THEN PUT IT THROUGH A BANDSAW.

How do you make a cat go woof?

cover it in petrol and throw a lit match on it.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 11, 2009, 10:20:52 pm

Water vs. Beer

WATER

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1kilo of poo.

BEER

We do not run that risk when drinking beer (or rum, whiskey, vodka, wine, or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. WATER = Poo

BEER = HEALTH

FREE YOURSELF OF POO .. DRINK BEER

It is better to drink beer and talk sh.t than it is to drink water and be full of sh.t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service and because I have a kind heart.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 15, 2009, 04:44:21 pm

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered.. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 15, 2009, 05:05:27 pm

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........

Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee. ;x

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 16, 2009, 05:50:58 pm

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'**

'Yes. What can I do for you?'**

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor, Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'*

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'*

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and
leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd... .Did the Sheriff come?'**

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'*

'Yep!'**

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 17, 2009, 04:49:29 pm

Riddle of the Day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Men don't usually show it to women when they first meet.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

Carroll Shelby liked displaying his.

What is it?

The answer is: 'A Last Name.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 17, 2009, 08:53:55 pm

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"

Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."

Bill: "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."

To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 18, 2009, 04:22:34 pm

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU JUST PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's been drinking.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 18, 2009, 08:49:17 pm

A MAN took his Staffie to the vet and said, “My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?”
The vet said, “Well, let’s have a look,” and picked up the dog, looking deeply into his crossed eyes.
“I’m going to have to put him down,” said the vet.
“Just for being cross-eyed?” asked the man.

“No, because he’s heavy!”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 20, 2009, 07:32:15 pm

Ahmed the Arab came to Australia from the Middle East. He was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes." Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?" The doctor said "You were homesick!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 20, 2009, 10:21:46 pm

Q. WHAT’S A MAN’S DEFINITION OF A ROMANTIC EVENING?

A. SEX.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: stuie87 on February 23, 2009, 08:02:35 pm

In response to Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black
and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now
air " America 's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: stuie87 on February 23, 2009, 08:03:21 pm

You might recall that John Hinckley was a
seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in
the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie
star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted
mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself
well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President
Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released
as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may
appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the
staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley , reports to
have intercepted this past weekend: Read it all....

To: John Hinckley

From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short
note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides
you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's
spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know
there is a non partisan consensus of compassion and
forgiveness throughout.

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no
grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan.
We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain
could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are
confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and
return to your family
to join the world again as a healthy and
productive young man.

Best Wishes,
John and Cindy McCain

PS:
While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama
has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a
tornado. Just thought you should know.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 24, 2009, 11:10:23 am

Two 90 year olds had been dating for some time, when the
> man told the woman, I think it's time we had s e x, don't
> you? She agreed, and they had s e x.
>
> Afterward, as they were laying in bed, the old man thinks
> to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a v I r gin, I would have been more gentle with her!"
>
> Meanwhile, the old woman was thinking to herself, "My God,
> if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up,
> I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 25, 2009, 04:51:42 pm

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

" No," he replied, "arthritis."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 25, 2009, 05:49:36 pm

> One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub,
> only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we
> felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a
> tall, handsome man approached us.
>
> "Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I
> thought.
>
> Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of
> my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You were my third
> grade teacher."
>

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 26, 2009, 08:26:32 pm

It`s the summer of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby`s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue`s father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue`s not ready yet, so why don`t you have a seat?" He says. "That`s cool." says Bobby. Peggy Sue`s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie.

Peggy Sue`s father responds, "Why don`t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue`s father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she`ll screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby`s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she`s ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT`S CALLED THE TWIST"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on February 27, 2009, 10:49:23 am

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Brisbane and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the barman, 'Don't mind us, we're Joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two XXXX Draught beers please'

The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make Polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, boys?'

'Off to America next month,' says Joe.. 'We go to the States Every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'

Jim agrees.

'Ah, America, 'says the barman.' Wonderful country... The history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that US crap,' says Joe.

'Meat Pies & XXXX beer,' that's us, hey Jim?

'We can't stand the Yanks - they're arrogant, rude & egotistical.'

'So why keep going to America?' asks the barman.

Joe replies, 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 01, 2009, 09:07:11 am

Jesus walks into a hotel, rings the bell, and waits for the receptionist to come out. He looks her dead in the eye, slams three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on March 01, 2009, 10:17:03 am

Two Drovers are standing in the bar when one says to the other...
"what are you up to, mate?"
"I'm taking 6000 head of cattle from Gundiwindie ti Gympie" Say the other.
"which route are you taking?"
"Probably the Missus, 'cause she stood by me in the Drought."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 01, 2009, 09:09:32 pm

Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A: A quarter pounder with cheese.
--

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 04, 2009, 06:00:25 pm

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver' licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those
little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards:

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that 1
enjoys it?

23. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when
you send it by sea it is called cargo?

24. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 04, 2009, 10:17:30 pm

THREE really old guys were out walking in the park. The first one said, “Windy today, isn’t it?”
The second one replied, “No, it’s Thursday!”
“So am I. Let's go get a beer,” said the third.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 05, 2009, 05:10:05 pm

Subject: FW: MENS ADVICE COLUMN

> Why men should write advice columns... well it's obvious aint it !!!
>
>
> Dear Terry,
> I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
> husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile

> down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
> halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
> When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with

> the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the
> neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years.
> When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
> having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I
> would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he
> has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
> I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has
> become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid

> I can't get through to him anymore.
> Can you please help?
> Sincerely, Sheila
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Dear Sheila:
> A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
> variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is
> fuel and no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum
> pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding
> wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be
> that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to
the injectors.
> I hope this helps,
> Terry
>

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 05, 2009, 05:14:44 pm

Q. WHAT’S THE SQUARE ROOT OF 69?
?
?
?
?
?

A. ATE SOMETHING.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 05, 2009, 05:19:58 pm

Full

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children and grandchildren. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm
glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 05, 2009, 05:27:56 pm

Q. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLOKE WHO DROWNED IN HIS BOWL OF MUESLI?

A. HE WAS PULLED IN BY A STRONG CURRANT.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ND69 on March 05, 2009, 10:52:59 pm

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES?

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde
genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to
explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet,
he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 06, 2009, 05:02:12 pm

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks, "What are you?"
He says, "I'm a Fireman"
"But you're only wearing a glass jar?" says the woman.

"Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 08, 2009, 10:25:17 pm

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy!" Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite!" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep Breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi' Jasus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin" way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin" pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on March 13, 2009, 01:19:29 pm

A greenie sheila was climbing a tree to watch over a Tasmanian forest.
See tried to get evidence against the mighty logging company when a tawny frogmouth owl attacked her.
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree getting a number of large splinters lodged in her crotch area.
In considerable pain she hurried to a doctor and told him that she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.
The doctor, who was definitely no environmentalist; listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room, undress, hop up onto the bed and he would be in shortly to see if he could help her.
She waited for two long painful hours before the doctor reappeared. By now, very angry, the woman demanded, 'what took you so damn long?'
'Well,' the doctor replied, 'it is not that simple....I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, the National Parks & Wildlife Service, the Wilderness Society and the Dept of Conservation & Resource Management, before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a recreational area!!!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on March 14, 2009, 10:25:32 am

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea.

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

the prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally, one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn' I wish I was a shark, and

then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large and mysterious cod appeared and said "your wish is granted."

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his former best mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates swam away from him whenever he came close to them.

He didn't realise it was his own new and frightening appearance that caused his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought, perhaps, he

might change him back into a prawn again if he asked politely and explained his situation.

He approached the cod and put forth his tale of woe and loneliness and begged to be turned back

into a prawn and to his utter joy and relief, he found himself once again a prawn.

With tears of joy in his eyes, he hastened back to his friends to celebrate.

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he couldn't see his best friend.

"where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best mate changed sides to the enemy and became a shark"

came the reply.

Eager to set things right and take up his old life and friendships, and to end his mates pain, he set

off to Christian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted "It's me, Justin, your best friend. Come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way, man! You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and you're trying to trick

me into being your dinner!"

Justin cried back "No,I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed!" ..............

....."I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian!" :+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 17, 2009, 08:25:13 pm

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great chest you have!"
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
:w:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on March 19, 2009, 10:53:09 am

Murder at Woolworths.

So, here's the story. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ....

(You're going to hate me for this ... )

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS!'

Oh, quit groaning!

I don't write this stuff,

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 19, 2009, 01:59:02 pm

Q. WHAT'S BLUE AND YELLOW AND HAS A REALLY TIGHT AR..HOLE AT ONE END?

A. AN ALDI BAG.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: hilllogin on March 19, 2009, 10:10:31 pm

Q.: Why is a mustang, called a mustang?

Ans.: Ask the company... :w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on March 20, 2009, 10:36:40 am

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on March 20, 2009, 10:37:50 am

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone
with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes
twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts....

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on March 20, 2009, 10:38:48 am

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on March 20, 2009, 10:40:46 am

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on March 20, 2009, 10:41:50 am

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, doesn’t forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The redneck nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, and then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.’ The trainer exclaimed 'that’s what finished him off?''
Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts’!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on March 20, 2009, 10:46:10 am

Mick was attending his Mustang club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming 2009 Nationals trip because his missus wouldn't let him go.

After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Mick left to go back home to the missus.

When Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at Ballarat the following week who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of his tent, Mustang all polished and shiny, with a XXXX in hand.

" How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Mick?""

I didn't have to ," was Mick's reply.

" When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, " Surprise " .

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said , ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want .'

SO HERE I AM !

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on March 20, 2009, 01:05:25 pm

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 20, 2009, 04:37:28 pm

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue. Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but okay. He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks... this is okay. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles.....
3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and a mucous-like consistency hits
4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus what the hell do you call that?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Bl.. J.b Revenge."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 21, 2009, 12:48:22 pm

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her,
he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on March 23, 2009, 11:21:17 pm

A chap was having his morning coffee at Gloria's when he spotted an unusual funeral procession approaching.

Along came a huge black hearse, followed at a distance by another the same. Behind that was a man with a dog on a lead, and behind him about 1000 men walking in single file.

Curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog.

"I am so sorry for your loss, but I've never seen a funeral like this. May I ask who has passed away".

"It's my wife"

"What happened to her"

"Oh my dog attacked and killed her"

Surprised, he then asked "well who is in the second hearse ?."

The man answered "that's actually my mother in law. She tried to help her daughter and the dog got her too".

The man having coffee thought very carefully and enquired "any chance of borrowing your dog mate ?".

"Sure, join the line".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on March 24, 2009, 01:26:35 pm

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The owner asks, "Are they twins?"

The woman replies, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look
alike?"

"No," he says, "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on March 24, 2009, 01:26:57 pm

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought ! it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on March 24, 2009, 01:27:43 pm

A man walks into a Chemist, and asks ,“Can I Please have a Cyanide Capsule?”

The Chemist replies “No Sir, you can’t, but out of interest, why do you want one?”

“I want to kill my wife” the man explains.

“Sir, you are definitely not going to get a Cyanide capsule, that is absurd!”

The man then opens his wallet, pulls out a photograph, turns it around so the Chemist can see it, and looks at the Chemist.
“Oh, sorry sir, I wasn’t aware you actually had a script, will be about five minutes!”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on March 24, 2009, 01:30:14 pm

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the road eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate. He asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?"
The poor man replied "We don't have any money for food, so we have to eat
grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and you can eat as much as
you like" the lawyer said.

"Thank you sir, but I also have a wife and two children with me. They are
over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family too"

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large
asthe limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the
lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with
you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You will really love my place.The grass is almost half of metre high."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on March 24, 2009, 01:31:04 pm

The Italian Lover and the Blonde

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite
bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his
apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom
and made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,
"So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned and admitted,
"No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making
resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams
of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles,
and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles
closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the
young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he
barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming,
bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man
falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks
into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I'm
Norwegian."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd on March 24, 2009, 01:31:50 pm

Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a huge mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on March 27, 2009, 08:05:12 am

Brain Trainer..........Can you read this?

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 13, 2009, 10:55:38 am

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane ?

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer
and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:

Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to sh*t all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,
so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies,

'He just found a bomb !'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 13, 2009, 07:21:08 pm

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters across the tape: "Get well soon... from the nurse in the red Ford Fiesta you pulled over last week."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 14, 2009, 06:05:46 pm

I love a girl with a sense of humor... :+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 14, 2009, 07:23:54 pm

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along.

After 30 minutes, the Jewish captain mutters, "I don't like Chinese." The first officer replies, "You no rike Chinese? Why dat?" "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "No, no, Japanese bomb Peahl Hahbah, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, it doesn't matter. They're all alike."

Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the first officer says, "No rike Jews." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All arike."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 15, 2009, 10:59:46 pm

Saving the Easter Bunny

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned,
waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the blonde, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: djmcau on April 16, 2009, 04:57:04 am

Whats brown and sticky?......................................................................... A Stick

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 16, 2009, 04:45:52 pm

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed awinkled older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniel's every week, I drive a fastback Mustang and I eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing" he said. Thinking she must have lived a long and wonderful life.
"How old are you?" he asked

"Thirty-four," she answered reluctantly.

;x

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 16, 2009, 07:10:30 pm

A YOUNG blonde girl was involved in a terrible car accident. There was blood everywhere and she was trapped in the car.
Eventually, a paramedic arrived on the scene and dragged her from the wreckage. He laid her out on the road and began working on her.
“I’m going to check if you’re concussed,” he said slowly.
The girl nodded.
The paramedic said, “OK, how many fingers am I putting up?”

“Oh no! I’m paralysed from the waist down!” she screamed.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 17, 2009, 07:14:21 pm

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa?

Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 22, 2009, 10:08:19 am

DO YOU EVER WONDER where we are headed...?

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline:
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why you have to click on 'Start'
to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a 'Broker'?

Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a
'new & improved' flavor?
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport 'the terminal' if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
'Do not use while sleeping'.
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
'Directions: Use like regular soap'.
(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:
'Serving suggestion: Defrost'.
(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
'Do not turn upside down'.
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
'Product will be hot after heating'.
(And you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
'Do not iron clothes on body'.
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication'.

We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
'Warning: May cause drowsiness'.
(And...I'm taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
'For indoor or outdoor use only'.
(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
'Not to be used for the other use'..
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts:
'Warning: contains nuts'.
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts'.
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:

On a child's superman costume:
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly'.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals'.
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 23, 2009, 10:38:04 am

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of
money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one
Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we
will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don' t worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all
for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any
more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which
pub I lost the sausage in.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 24, 2009, 07:28:24 pm

That's How the Fight Started

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started.....

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 28, 2009, 07:34:22 pm

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous even though the sex was great. She figures she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on April 29, 2009, 08:31:02 pm

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
:w:w:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on April 30, 2009, 01:38:13 pm

Retire to Alaska

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'Aftr 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild s*x, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on April 30, 2009, 01:39:14 pm

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he
accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin'
da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da
fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's
2009! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and
made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick
them up !!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on April 30, 2009, 01:40:18 pm

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7th PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6th PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5th PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burgled by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, 8, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...

4th PLACE :
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr. Scratch, scratch.

3rd PLACE:
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...

2nd PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

1st PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos, please?)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on May 02, 2009, 10:18:59 pm

Ever followed one of those trucks with written on the back -

"If you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you".

Cracked up tracking one through Port Melbourne yesterday, with a bit of texta work.

"If you can't see my mirrors, I can't see your tits".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 05, 2009, 06:26:55 pm

:f:fA young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be possible if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband 1 was a Sales Representative. He just kept telling me how great it was going to be."

"Husband 2 was in Software Services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me."

"Husband 3 was from Field Services. He said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband 4 was in Telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband 5 was an Engineer. He understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method."

"Husband 6 was from Administration. He thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband 7 was in Marketing. Although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."

"Husband 8 was a Psychiatrist. All he did was talk about it."

"Husband 9 was a Gynaecologist. All he did was look at it."

"Husband 10 was a Stamp Collector. All he ever did was... God I miss him."

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? To which she replied, "You're with the Australian Tax Office"... this time I KNOW I"M gonna get SCREWED!" :f:f

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on May 07, 2009, 02:15:37 pm

Why is it that 99% of lawyers get the rest a bad name ?.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 08, 2009, 11:39:10 am

INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students..

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

'Do you know what your ar sehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 08, 2009, 07:38:29 pm

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with t its like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 08, 2009, 07:49:19 pm

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think." One of the students said "I think its Petry Syndrome." The old man said "You thought.... but you are wrong." Then the other student said "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said "You thought... but you are wrong." So they asked him "Well, what do you have?" The old man said "I thought it was a FART... but I was WRONG." ;x

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on May 09, 2009, 12:10:00 am

Boss strolled into the office on Monday morning with his fly left undone.

His PA said "good morning sir, when you left home did you close the garage door by any chance ?".

The boss remembered he had closed the garage door, and walked into his office somewhat puzzled.

Later he felt a little draught, and discovered he needed to zip up.

Heading out for a coffee he casually asked his PA, "did you happen to notice a Hummer in the garage ?".

She cracked a smile and replied, "nah, just a clapped out old Mini with two flats".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 11, 2009, 10:53:44 pm

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times till her husband says ‘Are you wearing crutchless knickers?’

‘Y-e-s,’ she answers with a seductive smile.

‘Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite.’

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 11, 2009, 11:03:59 pm

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The Aussie doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Huh!, that's nothing. We can take an arsehole out of Queensland, put him in Canberra and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 12, 2009, 07:23:00 pm

Two eggs decide to get married. Along comes the big day and everything goes to plan. But they are both very nervous about the honeymoon night so the female egg decides to dress up in a skimpy little negligee to help them get excited. The husband comes along and sees his wife dressed like this and all off a sudden runs into the bathroom and locks the door. The wife is very shocked by his behaviour but being inexperienced at this she thinks it's normal.

After about 10 minutes the husband egg is still in the bathroom and the wife is starting to get impatient so she knocks on the door. "Honey, Is everything okay?""Yeah, yeah. I'll be out in a few minutes."

So, she goes back to the bed and waits. But after a half an hour she is really annoyed because he's still in the bathroom, so she goes up and knocks on the door. "If you don't come out of the bathroom now, I'm going to divorce you, I swear!"

With this the door opens and out comes the husband egg wearing a crash helmet! The wife egg thinks this is very strange so asks him why he's wearing it. "Well, the last time I got this hard, someone hit me over the head with a spoon!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on May 12, 2009, 09:09:17 pm

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

'Magic Beer,' he says..

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, 'That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?'

'Yes, I'll show you.'

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: 'I bet you can't do that again.'

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, 'Give her one of what I'm having.'

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, 'You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 12, 2009, 11:11:59 pm

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have

ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: FST68 on May 15, 2009, 10:03:33 am

LITTLE JOHNNIE STRIKES AGAIN

Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asked Kevin, the saviour of 'working families', if he would
like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So Kevin (the saviour of 'working families' ) asked the class for an
example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm,
is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, That
would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Kevin - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Kevin - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Kevin searched the
room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Julia Gillard was
struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would
be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Kevin. 'That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a censored Ain' accident
either!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: FST68 on May 20, 2009, 10:27:15 am

Qantas Airlines: Repair division

In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a
plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe
Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the
form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some

actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked
with a P) and the solutions (marked with an S) recorded by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had
an accident:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny...........
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 20, 2009, 07:26:16 pm

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
:a:p

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ND69 on May 20, 2009, 10:45:11 pm

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 21, 2009, 06:02:33 pm

A ticked-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on May 24, 2009, 10:54:40 am

Some brainiac has worked out :o

At 5 minutes, 6 seconds after 4.00am on August 7 this year it will be........

04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09.

And that won't repeat until 3009.

Geez some people are weird.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 25, 2009, 09:02:26 pm

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu -

ignore it. It's just spam.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: non member on May 26, 2009, 12:47:55 pm

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of twenty years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that sh-t?'

I still don't know if she was joking

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 29, 2009, 10:10:17 am

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
:f

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 29, 2009, 10:13:07 am

Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the Seven Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.

"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

ALL the other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on May 29, 2009, 01:18:58 pm

See in NZ they're offering goats to help sell cars.

Probably cos the sheep have caught on what happens.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on May 29, 2009, 06:49:30 pm

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred - forgive. Free your mind from worries - most never happen. Live simply and appreciate what you have. Give more. Expect less

NOW... enough of that... the donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 01, 2009, 09:02:02 pm

--
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mus 68 on June 08, 2009, 12:13:37 am

My current favorite :

Beauty is only a light switch away. :f

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 08, 2009, 09:23:19 pm

Mohammed entered his classroom. "What is your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammed" answered the kid. "Here we are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother. "My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce." "Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion!? Shame on you!" and she beat him. Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked "What happened to you little Bruce?" "Well, Miss, two hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two f..king Arabs!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on June 10, 2009, 08:02:29 am

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.'Yeah right!' she says.A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed...Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.Amazingly, it also works on him!The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,'I don't know where we were ... or what we did ...but, we took FIRST and SECOND place!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: GT Sally on June 13, 2009, 12:26:53 pm

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.
Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse, became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on June 14, 2009, 12:04:11 pm

These three Swedish fashion models are at a studio photo shoot.

They're mucking around and chatting among themselves.

The photographer gets impatient and yells at them "focus, focus'.

One of the models replies............

"just get the shots man, you can focus later".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 14, 2009, 04:50:27 pm

A class of five-year old students are learning to read. One of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
The teacher took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does...

"A f r i c a n Elephant".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: non member on June 16, 2009, 08:17:33 am

Painting the porch

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way, " the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: soc123_au on June 16, 2009, 11:11:46 am

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his
assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how
was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a
headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir"
says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks
the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous
woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking
off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her
legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any
man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 16, 2009, 08:56:43 pm

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf and do lots of things that took two arms.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said, "I'm NOT happy... my balls itch."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on June 27, 2009, 01:22:12 pm

Breaking News: Casper the friendly ghost was molested in the early hours of this morning

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: GT Sally on July 01, 2009, 12:15:33 pm

How to tell the sex of a fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 01, 2009, 08:21:48 pm

Dave and his new wife had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment.
Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have
them?"
"I'll ask her," Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"No way!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my Mother!"

:*

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 02, 2009, 08:02:13 pm

Aborigines in Darwin have pooled all their $900.00 Stimulus payment from Kevin Rudd, formed a corporate and are buying up heaps of land in Thailand.

Apparently they are all going to move up there and become Thai-Coons.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: moe on July 02, 2009, 11:16:26 pm

How can you tell if a plane load of Poms have landed in Australia?
The 747 shuts off it's engines, yet the whining continues.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 03, 2009, 08:24:50 pm

A couple goes to bed to sleep for the night. In the middle of the night, the wife wakes up laughing and laughing and laughing. Her husband groggily asks, "What are you laughing about?"

She tells him that she has just had a dream and she dreamed that she was at a co.k auction. She said, "They had BIG ones there that were 12 inches long and big around and they were being auctioned off at $10,000 dollars.

She went on to say that they had some 10 inch long ones that were slightly smaller in diameter and they were going for around $8,000 dollars.

The husband is excited by now and asks "Honey were there any at the auction like mine?"
She says, "Why yes, they were over on the souvenir table and they were selling at 2 for a quarter..."

He disgustedly turns and goes back to sleep.

Well about two nights later, the husband wakes up in the middle of the night just laughing and laughing and laughing. The wife asks him, "What in the world are you laughing about?" He goes on to say that he dreamed he was at a pussie auction. He said, "They had little tiny ones there that had no hair at all and they were selling for $50,000 dollars. He went on to say that they had some with just a little bit of beginning hair and they were a little larger, but going for $42,000 dollars".

The wife is excited by this time and asks, "Honey did they have any there like mine? He said "Gosh honey, I am sorry, no... WAIT... they had two. They were cooling beer in one, and throwing empties in the other!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 04, 2009, 10:52:44 am

The hotel proprietor takes a 100 dollar bill from a tourist who wishes to stay and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the hog farmer.

The hog farmer takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel for his Mustang.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The prostitute runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Kevin RUDD and the Australian Government is doing busines today.

;x

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 04, 2009, 06:48:11 pm

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employees well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies: "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, says to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees her hysterically crying!

He rushes out to her, asking, "What's the problem... are you gonna be ok?" "No..." exclaims the blonde."I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mum died too!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 08, 2009, 06:55:38 pm

Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so. The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her pussy. After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?" "Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on July 09, 2009, 07:37:05 am

: FW: The International Council of Man Laws

> The International Council of Man Laws.
>
> 1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
>
> 2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
> (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
> (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
> (c) After wrecking your boss's car.
> (d) When she is using her teeth.
>
> 3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
> and eaten by his friends.
>
> 4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
> limits forever unless you actually marry her.
>
> 5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
> forbidden.
> However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
>
> 6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
> another
> man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
> optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
> birthday boy's choice.
>
> 7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
> the
> weakest.
>
> 8. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you
> may
> ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
> playing.
>
> 9. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her
> to
> climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
> flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
> officially your girlfriend.
>
> 10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink ONLY when
> you're
> sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless
> model
> and only when it's free.
>
> 11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
> allowed
> to kick another guy in the nuts.
>
> 12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>
> 13. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
>
> 14. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
> anything.
>
> 15. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as
> spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
> to
> drink as much as the other sports watchers.
>
> 16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
> remain sober enough to fight.
>
> 17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
> pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
>
> 18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
> longer
> than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
> phone.
> Hang up if necessary.
>
> 19. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a
> friend'
> have carnal, drunken monkey sex and the fact that you're feeling
> weird
> and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before
> the
> discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
>
> 20. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
> for
> her to drive yours.
>
> 21. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime,
> green, yellow, orange or sky blue.
>
> 22. The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for
> Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an
> Xbox 360 or a Playstation. End of story.
>
> 23. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
> Gymnastics. Ever.
>
> 24. NEVER wear a man bag to work.
>
>
>
> I hope this clears up any confusion,
>
> The International Council of Man Laws

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 09, 2009, 04:00:45 pm

Subject: hilter finds out mj has died- pretty funny but has language sub titles

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELyTBXzfQJ8

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 10, 2009, 07:20:11 pm

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?" The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia." The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with your bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said "Why of course we do." The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course!"

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

"We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: pcoe428 on July 11, 2009, 07:52:05 pm

whats a pizza delivery boy & a gynecologist got in common ?

they can smell it but not allowed to eat it

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 11, 2009, 07:58:18 pm

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 11, 2009, 08:31:13 pm

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it...

::

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 12, 2009, 04:35:58 pm

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers. She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear. Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms.""Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on July 14, 2009, 01:52:25 pm

Confucious say.....

Man who scratch bum should not bite fingernails !.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: moe on July 15, 2009, 07:54:20 pm

So after landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Bunnings. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 16, 2009, 05:03:20 pm

GRANDMA and Grandpa were watching a church service on the TV. The evangelist called all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on it and put her left hand on her arthritic shoulder, which was giving her great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “You just don't get it, do you? The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: FST68 on July 17, 2009, 03:38:49 pm

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 17, 2009, 03:48:59 pm

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.... I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: FST68 on July 17, 2009, 03:55:44 pm

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 21, 2009, 07:25:08 pm

This morning on the Motorway,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman

In a brand new

Ford Focus

Doing 110 miles per hour

With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds !

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;
I dropped

My electric shaver,

Which knocked

The meat pie

Out of my other hand.
:*

In all
The confusion of trying

To straighten out the car

Using my knees against
The steering wheel,

It knocked

My Mobile phone

Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee

Between my legs,

Splashed,

And burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an

Important call.

:+
#+*^!*+| women drivers!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 22, 2009, 10:52:56 pm

A SCOTSMAN was walking down the street when he saw a woman with perfect breasts. He approached her and said, “Miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?”
“Are you nuts?” she replied, and kept walking.
He turned around, ran around the block and got to the corner before she did. “Would you let me bite your breasts for $1000?” he asked.
“Listen, I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?” she yelled.
So the Scotsman ran around the next block and faced her again. “Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000?”
She thought about it for a moment and said, “Yes, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.”
They went into the alley, where she took off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he saw them, he grabbed them and started caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally got annoyed and asked, “Well? Are you gunna bite them or not?”
“Nah,” said the Scotsman. “Costs too much.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 24, 2009, 06:02:43 pm

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop. "The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognised the laugh!" he replied.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 24, 2009, 06:48:24 pm

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to sh1t all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: GT Sally on July 25, 2009, 11:48:00 am

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the
father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that
I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???'.
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 28, 2009, 06:02:25 pm

One day, a loose string went into a bar and asked for a drink.
The bartender said:, "We don't serve loose strings in here. Get the
hell out right now."

So, then the string went into the men's room and proceeded to tie
himself into a knot.
Then he messed up his hair really good and went back into the bar.

He bellied up to the bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
The the bartender says:, Hey, aren't you the same loose string I just
threw out of here?

And the string replied:

No, I'm a frayed knot.

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 28, 2009, 08:24:53 pm

Q. WHAT TASTES GOOD ON A PIE, BUT NOT ON PUSSY?
A. CRUST.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on August 03, 2009, 01:41:46 pm

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig, are walking down a street in Bondi.

Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each,
Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune. Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'

'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'

'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 03, 2009, 04:04:09 pm

AT THE National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realised they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
“In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”
“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the couple.
“Because I'm the guy who painted it,” he replied. “In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: eri67 on August 04, 2009, 11:27:19 am

*Top Ten Reasons Men might Prefer Guns over Women**

# 10 You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9 You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

# 8 If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

# 7 Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6 Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5 A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4 Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3 A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

# 2 A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.

# 1 YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ColP on August 06, 2009, 02:23:25 pm

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 06, 2009, 09:59:48 pm

A TEACHER in a western Sydney school was teaching her children about animals and the noises they make. She asked Susie, “What noise does a duck make?”
Susie quacked at the teacher, who said, “Excellent.”
She then asked Fred, “What noise does a cow make?”
Fred mooed at her and she applauded his effort. Then the teacher asked Johnny, “What noise does a pig make?”
He yelled, “Up against the wall, scumbag!”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 07, 2009, 04:06:47 pm

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and g-string knickers.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread,
one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 11, 2009, 04:29:09 pm

Man Stories, so beware. :(

1.. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy Crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning." He said "no just taking a Shit".

2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I Realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to Forgive me.

3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did This to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful."

4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual Checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and She told me, "because I am trying to examine you."

5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

:o

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on August 12, 2009, 02:34:53 am

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter..

It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that's not a problem.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ColP on August 12, 2009, 10:58:16 am

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..? I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 13, 2009, 09:49:12 pm

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ColP on August 14, 2009, 07:39:27 am

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
>
'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'
>
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
>
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
>
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
>
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
>
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
>
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
>
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 14, 2009, 12:39:13 pm

A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.

There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man. "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No! no! mate, Where's your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'w h e e l i e' bin?'" "OK, OK" replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 14, 2009, 03:56:25 pm

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand an Indian accent.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ND69 on August 14, 2009, 04:09:14 pm

The NSW Government and the NSW Greens were presenting an alternative to NSW Farmers for controlling the dingo population.
It seems that after years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.
This was actually proposed to the NSW Farmers and Graziers Association by the NSW Government and the NSW Greens. All of the farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,
'Son, I don't think you understand our problem....Those dingos ain't f xxxxx our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 16, 2009, 04:12:36 pm

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire!";];x

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 16, 2009, 08:40:38 pm

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: moe on August 17, 2009, 01:23:49 pm

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and

Walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 18, 2009, 11:53:12 am

The Journey of a Man (written by a man)

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 18, 2009, 11:55:45 am

Grandpa and the ATO

a little long but well worth the read.

The Tax Office decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to an audit.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor.

The auditor said; "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said; "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says; "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says; "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks; "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and piss into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 18, 2009, 04:06:38 pm

My neighbour discovered that her dog could barely hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he shaved both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drugstore and buy "Nair Hair Remover" and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the store and gets the 'Nair Hair Remover'. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "Well, if you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "Well, I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 18, 2009, 10:41:29 pm

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on August 19, 2009, 01:32:54 pm

Paddy and Ryan are down at the local having a few Guinesses.

After a few, the subject gets around to preferred sex positions.

Paddy asks Ryan his favourite.

Ryan says "definately the aussie rodeo"

"how's that go" asks Paddy.

"Well you kneel her down, hop around the back and climb on"

"Nothin' special about that" says Paddy.

"Yes but then you reach around and gently cup her boobs and whisper in her ear.......

"Geez they feel lovely, in fact much like your sister's"

Then try and stay aboard for 8 seconds !!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 19, 2009, 08:46:27 pm

Q. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE ASIAN MAGICIAN WHO DID MAGIC WITH CHOCOLATE?

A. HE HAD LOADS OF TWIX UP HIS SLEEVE.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 20, 2009, 04:43:11 pm

THE DOT...... FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but

the Indian Embassy has recently revealed the true story..

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won

a convenience store,

a gas station,

a donut shop,

a taxi cab or

a motel in the United States .

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical IT advice.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 21, 2009, 07:56:19 pm

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, Time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me! Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I'm taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of the story? Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 24, 2009, 04:58:14 pm

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years!

That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.” “I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. ”

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a brick wall !" :_

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 25, 2009, 09:38:33 pm

A Lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 28, 2009, 07:35:58 pm

A black guy goes to the doctors with a frog on his head and the doctor says, "What seems to be the problem?" And the frog says, "I've got this large blackhead on my bum."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on August 31, 2009, 03:07:38 pm

Just heard a poor little dwarf got pick-pocketed.

Beats me how anyone could stoop that low.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on August 31, 2009, 06:30:36 pm

Quote

Originally posted by jmd1
A black guy goes to the doctors with a frog on his head and the doctor says, "What seems to be the problem?" And the frog says, "I've got this large blackhead on my bum."

:w:w:w:w:w:w:w:w:w:w:w:w:w:w:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on August 31, 2009, 07:32:19 pm

ONE Friday afternoon, a woman was sitting with a neighbour on her front porch. The two were enjoying a drink and waiting for their husbands to come home. Her hubby approached the house.
“Oh, here come’s Dale with a bunch of flowers. Guess that means I’ll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend,” she said with a bit of a smile.
The other woman thought for a second, looked at her and asked, “Why is that? Don’t you have a vase?”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on August 31, 2009, 11:14:48 pm

THE OLD MOTOR

The marriage of an 80-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman was the talk of the town.

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?" The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, "Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?" The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you got to keep the old motor running."

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black...........

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 01, 2009, 09:43:18 am

The Itch

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try... One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of Itching Powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber,Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story............

Pay your bills.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 01, 2009, 02:50:07 pm

A man went to a zoo. When he walked in there was only one dog.

It was a shi.zu.

Bloody hell you can,t even get away with the dogs breed????

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 02, 2009, 08:36:43 pm

NEW WORLD SURVEY
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And finally... in Australia they hung up because they thought it was another bloody Indian trying to sell cheap mobile phones.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on September 02, 2009, 11:21:37 pm

Ummm, see 14 August entry by Mac 1.

Sorry, duplicate jokes are not allowed!

Forgiven in this instance.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on September 02, 2009, 11:24:11 pm

I hope this is not a duplicate after the previous comment!

A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here.

'I hit a pig with the ute.

The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says, 'Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss .

'Took the .303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars.
No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'

' Boss? '
'............ you there, Boss?'

Apologies to the boys in blue

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 03, 2009, 05:36:31 pm

Quote

Originally posted by Camaro91
I hope this is not a duplicate after the previous comment!

It is but thats cool.When you post jokes all the time it is hard to remember,,,,(they call it aging):w:w:w:w:w

The Bath Tub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on September 04, 2009, 09:35:43 am

Ageing process ... my women are getting younger and I thought I would only be as old as the women I am feeling ....

try this then

A man noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

'My dog attacked and killed her.'

'But who is in the second hearse?'

'My mother-in-law.

She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.’

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on September 04, 2009, 10:22:58 am

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You shag her again."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on September 04, 2009, 06:39:46 pm

The first, a Manchester surgeon, says: 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, a Liverpool surgeon, responds: 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'

The third, a Newcastle surgeon, says: 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth, a Birmingham surgeon, chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

But the fifth, a London surgeon, shuts them all up when he observed: You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ar*se are interchangeable.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 04, 2009, 08:06:48 pm

Cultural Difference? Japanese Wisdom?

An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into
the water since it was fairly secluded.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Chinese quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Japanese covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the American and the Chinese asked the Japanese why he covered his face rather than his private part.

The Japanese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 04, 2009, 08:17:11 pm

A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt."

The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."

The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on September 07, 2009, 11:12:21 am

not really one liners but i did get a laugh out of it......hope there is no frogs here to take offense

Kerry you will love these ones a American friend sent it to me

NO APOLOGIES NECESSARY!!!

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when De Gaulle decided to pull out of NATO. De Gaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded "does that include those who are buried here?

De Gaulle did not respond.

You could have heard a pin drop

When in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 07, 2009, 05:39:07 pm

A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my
manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of
its head

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on September 08, 2009, 10:37:57 am

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a sh1tty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ar_se and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

;]

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 08, 2009, 04:13:16 pm

There are three kinds of men:
The ones who learn by reading and the few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Phoenix on September 08, 2009, 05:23:38 pm

Two Nuns were walking down the road when a streaker ran past. The first Nun had a stroke but the second could'nt quite reach.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 08, 2009, 07:55:05 pm

A salesman on business in Vegas is in a bar. He is talking to a pretty woman for about a half hour when he realises she is a hooker. "I'll give you $200 for a mediocre blow job," he says. "Honey," she replies, "for $200 I'll give you the blow job of a lifetime!" "You don't understand," he says, "I'm not horny, just home-sick."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Phoenix on September 08, 2009, 09:11:04 pm

A bloke comes home to find his wife jumping up and down on the bed, she says I went to the Doctor today and he told me I had the breasts of an 18 year old. He said what about your 56 year old arse, and she said your name did'nt come up.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 09, 2009, 01:35:12 pm

Water ....
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a
little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I
Need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

' OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not
want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am
bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for
about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the
ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours
later he staggered back, almost dead.

'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 10, 2009, 10:43:59 pm

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years..
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on September 11, 2009, 01:23:13 pm

Walked past the lunatic asylum last week.

Heard all these people going 13, 13, 13....

So I peeped in through a hole in the fence.

Some mongrel jabbed me in the eye with a sharp stick.

Then they started chanting 14, 14, 14.....

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 11, 2009, 08:09:36 pm

Bob bought a dog and trained it for months till it understood common commands. Bob walks into a pub with his dog and sees another man with a dog. He walks up to the other man and asks him, "Mate I bet ya $ 100 your dog isn't as smart as mine. I've trained my dog for months." The man accepts and says, "Prove your dog is smarter than mine." Bob then tells the dog to do the standard tricks - sit, roll, beg, pay dead etc. The other man looks unimpressed and says "Nah mate, your dogs not smart. Mine can understand five word sentences. Bob, astounded then says, "C'mon prove it then!" The man then throws the dog into the fireplace and screams, "Rover get out of the fire!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 12, 2009, 06:41:16 pm

Ever notice the older we get, the more we're like computers?

We start out with lots of memory and drive, then we are always booted, catch viruses, become outdated and eventually our software doesn't work and we have to get our parts replaced...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 14, 2009, 11:24:01 am

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little 10-year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What do you think?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on September 15, 2009, 04:34:40 pm

The other day the lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,

“I wanna watch.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 15, 2009, 09:48:53 pm

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on September 17, 2009, 11:16:54 pm

Wife's not getting much coz hubby's got a bit of brewer's droop.

So she's off to see the Doc.

He says "have you tried Viagra ?"

She replies "no he reckons there's no problem, so he won't take anything at all".

OK says the Doc, I'll give you a scrip for Irish Viagra - just slip one into his coffee and he'll never know".

Next day she rings the Doc and says "whacko, what a winner, he suddenly picked me up, flung me down on the table and the cups and saucers went everywhere, then he ripped off all my clothes and we went at it like rabbits".

Doc says "so you'll be wanting a second scrip ?"

Nah says the lady sadly, we're banned from Gloria Jeans.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on September 18, 2009, 06:17:05 pm

Bit of outback poetry......

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met some pro's in a pop up tent
They were three we were few
So I bucked one and Timbuktu

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 18, 2009, 06:58:45 pm

Two women were playing golf One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away
and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
And asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken

:a

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 18, 2009, 07:16:44 pm

The young novice nun soon realised that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised. "I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 18, 2009, 10:43:27 pm

An older Mustang driver approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on September 19, 2009, 09:45:55 pm

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way.

So I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 20, 2009, 11:41:28 am

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided
to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much
will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would
need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband "Does she
realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're
finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her
along with a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde added," it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 21, 2009, 10:36:51 pm

The old tight fisted farmer married a young bride. Soon she became pregnant. The farmer took his wife to the doctor. He asked the doctor, "How much is this going to cost?" The doctor replied, "With prenatal care, hospital stay…." "Just give me the bottom line," said the farmer. The doctor replied, "Around $5,000." "WHAT!?" said the farmer. "I've birthed enough animals myself, I think we'll just rely on good old Mother Nature." With that the farmer and his too trusting wife left.

About a year later the farmer and doctor meet on the street. The doctor says, "Hello there. How did your wife's delivery go?" "Just fine," replied the farmer. "No problems," asked the doctor? "Well," replied the farmer. "To be perfectly honest, I did have a hell of a time making her eat the after birth."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 23, 2009, 05:49:00 pm

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the
grocery Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who
asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 30, 2009, 01:14:54 pm

Did you hear about the scarecrow whom won a Nobel Peace Prize?
She was the best in her field!

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/scarecrowlady.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on September 30, 2009, 08:41:49 pm

A BLOKE applied for a job as a toothbrush salesman. He had no prior experience, but he won the boss over by offering to work for free for one day to prove he was up to it.
The boss gave him 50 toothbrushes. An hour later, the bloke returned after selling them all. Impressed, the boss decided to up the ante and give him 100 toothbrushes. Ninety minutes later, the bloke had sold them all.
This time the boss was a bit suss, so he gave the bloke 200 toothbrushes and followed the bloke. He went to the airport, where he set up a stall with a bunch of biscuits on it and a big sign reading “Free biscuits!”
A man walked up to the stall and grabbed a bikkie. He bit into it, spat it out, dry-retched and said, “Jesus Christ! This tastes like shite!”
“Yes, it is,” the bloke replied. “Would you like to buy a toothbrush?”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on September 30, 2009, 10:55:57 pm

Recently I bought a new car but I had to return it to the dealer the

next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The car salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and

demonstrated this brilliant feature.

"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.

The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On

the Road Again".

Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant " Georgia on My

Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.

I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,

"Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.

Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great

awesome songs from the 60-80's.

It was fun and even my girl friend got into it too.

"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man" "Rolling Stones" and up came

"Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great Stone's hits.

But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.

A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly creamed my new car, but

luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.

I immediately yelled in anger, "Arse Holes!"

Guess what !!

Immediately up came the song " Good old Collingwood for ever

............"

* Damn it, I just LOVE this new car!*

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 01, 2009, 07:08:58 pm

Q. WHY DO WOMEN FART AFTER THEY PEE?
A. THEY CAN’T SHAKE IT, SO THEY BLOW IT DRY.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on October 02, 2009, 10:45:21 pm

Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Cause Ken comes in a different box.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on October 02, 2009, 10:46:46 pm

Computer Geeks have come up with a new chat site..
It combines YouTube, Twitter and FaceBook.

They are calling it Youtwitface.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 04, 2009, 07:40:32 pm

Col, the country lawyer, came across an old client outside the Alice Springs Court - an Aboriginal lady who was beaming from ear to ear. She was carrying a sheet of corrugated iron under one arm and a slab of Fosters under the other. "G'day Mary" says Col "what are you looking so happy about today?" "Just been to da fambly court, Col and look, I got half da house and half da contents!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 04, 2009, 08:08:07 pm

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the Mustang.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, Its nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?

He says, O. K., Get in the car with it.

Where shall I put it to get it warm?

He says, Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

But what about the smell?

Just hold its little nose.

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

:f

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 05, 2009, 10:03:50 pm

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate, sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin" me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 06, 2009, 11:59:23 am

The History of the Middle Finger
Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 07, 2009, 12:06:01 am

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right." Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't even know the way to the f..king Post Office, you w.nker."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 07, 2009, 08:35:35 pm

A lonely Mustang driving widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair.. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...

Rang the doorbell didn't I?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 07, 2009, 09:27:39 pm

Q. WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU WALK UNDER A COW?
A. A PAT ON THE HEAD.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on October 10, 2009, 10:19:27 am

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

My Mustang would not start today, but at least I got laid.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on October 10, 2009, 10:21:59 am

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of
the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.

I looked
at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about
my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital
status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are
correct . But
how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on October 12, 2009, 12:03:04 pm

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 15 metres above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude drifting with the wind at about 0.5 metres per second on a heading of 036 degrees."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f***ing fault."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 16, 2009, 09:13:04 pm

Q. WHY DON'T CUPS GAMBLE?
A. IT'S A MUG'S GAME.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on October 20, 2009, 05:04:08 pm

Confucious say.....

Man who runs backwards through airport turnstyle not going to Bangkok.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 20, 2009, 08:11:59 pm

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?" "It is ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby that is all." The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. "DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?" "Son, there has been a change of plan," his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a Mustang"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 26, 2009, 05:30:43 pm

An Irishman went to London for a visit to the circus. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very sceptical and said so, in no uncertain terms so the man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Yes, I'm nine!" the boy said.

The Irishman continued his loud heckling, still not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.

The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager.

The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he turned back around, knocked the Irishman to the ground with his trunk and then stomped on him twice.

The Irishman, crumpled and bleeding, staggered back to his feet and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "Mother of Mary, he's right... Farty-two!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on October 28, 2009, 10:10:29 am

Letter from Wayne ...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name
is Wayne , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to
get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income
and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she
gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she
has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't
yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when
she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill
at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but
now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours
after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several
times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she
really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them
done before
she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also
remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her
any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my
strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing
the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix
herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just
sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she
may as well make one for me, too --- or just bring me a cold beer in a
frosted mug.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get
older, but, guys, even if you just be a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.

Signed, Wayne

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long
50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with
barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder.

The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally
sat down on his golf club.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 28, 2009, 04:16:46 pm

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure aunt." said the man. Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: oggy on October 29, 2009, 07:58:50 pm

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Barman says "no f*ck off, ure off your face"!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on October 30, 2009, 08:23:12 pm

A Blacktown girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the assessor.

"Ten" replies the Blacktown girl,

"Ten?" says the Centrelink worker.

"What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan
and Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Blacktown girl, "Its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!' or

'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Centrelink worker..

"That's easy," says the Blacktown girl... "I just use their surnames"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on October 30, 2009, 09:07:44 pm

Two gay guys, Fred and Larry, get legally married in Maine, USA. They couldn't afford a honeymoon, so, they go back to Fred's parent's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Larry up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school"

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Larry up yet?" His mum says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room asking for Vaseline... I think I gave him my airplane glue."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on October 30, 2009, 10:43:18 pm

Q. Two Cabramatta kids in a car without any music - who is driving?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on October 30, 2009, 10:43:44 pm

A. The policeman. :w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 01, 2009, 10:10:35 pm

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes, he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrowat 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 04, 2009, 05:45:11 pm

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on November 09, 2009, 01:22:30 am

Three Italian nuns die & go to heaven. At the pearly gates they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and #poof# she's gone.
The second nun says, " I want to be Madonna" and #poof# she's gone.
The third nun say's, " I want to be Sara Pipalini"
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who? he says
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, " I'm sorry but that name doesn't ring a bell"
Th e nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says " No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on November 09, 2009, 04:06:38 pm

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together
and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby
is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward,
eleven of whom are crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling and gurgling serenely. A
nurse comes by, and, to the delight of the gay fathers, she points
out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy
babies...but our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of
gay love!"

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what
happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on November 13, 2009, 04:22:09 am

AN ACTUAL PERSONALS AD (Tampa Florida)

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Tampa night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Verizon just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on November 14, 2009, 05:06:13 pm

A Swiss guy , looking for directions , pulls up where 2 aussies are waiting.
"Enctschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two aussies just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vois Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off extremely disgusted.
The 1st aussie turns to the 2nd and says.
"Maybe we should learn a foreigh language....."
"Why?" says the other.
"That bloke knew four languages, and it didn`t do him any good."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Phoenix on November 15, 2009, 03:31:32 pm

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 15, 2009, 10:04:28 pm

The Golfing Nun a nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the frikking putt, didn't you?"
:golf::golf:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on November 16, 2009, 11:19:37 am

A Mexican, an Arab, and an Australian are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cos he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Australian, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 12 gauge, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,he says,
'In Australia we have so many illegal immigrants coming in that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

Good on ya KRudd

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 17, 2009, 02:03:13 pm

THE HEART ATTACK

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming From the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's Dialling, her four-year-old son comes up

And says, "Mummy mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the
Wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..

Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister , totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around Naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 17, 2009, 05:10:01 pm

A MIDDLE-AGED woman read that a very intimate part gets wider and deeper with age. So she went into her room, grabbed a mirror, put it down on the floor, ripped off all her clothes and stood over it to have a look.
All of a sudden, her husband came in and saw what she was doing. He gasped, grabbed her arm and violently pulled her away from the mirror.
“You could have broken my arm!” she screamed at him.
He pointed at the mirror and replied, “But if you'd fallen down that hole, you would have broken your neck!”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 18, 2009, 08:35:31 pm

ONE day, a teacher decided it was time to explain sex education to her class. She pulled out a large picture of a penis and asked, “Does anybody know what this is?”
Little Johnny immediately stuck his hand up and yelled, “I know, I know – my dad has two of them!”
The teacher looked puzzled and asked, “Are you sure about that?”
“Yes, miss,” he replied. “He uses a small, skinny one to go to the bathroom and a big, long one to clean the babysitter’s teeth.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jiffy on November 19, 2009, 05:06:45 pm

I saw in the paper the other day that the cops are looking for a Racist Attacker.

So I phoned them up, but apparently it's not a job...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on November 20, 2009, 02:11:24 am

An Indian dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the pearly gates and St Peter opens them.
"Yes can I help you?" says St Peter.
"I am here for Jesus"says the Indian. St Peter turns around and shouts
"Hey Jesus, your taxi`s here"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on November 20, 2009, 02:23:22 am

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holidays in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly.
The funeral co. said it will cost @5000.00 to ship her home or @500.00 to bury her here.
The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don`t you bury here
in the Holy Land and save money."
The husband said "a long long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose
from the dead....I can`t take that bloody chance!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 21, 2009, 07:51:48 pm

Since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings.

Apparently, a lot of terrorists didn't realise what a virgin really looks like.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jaylay on November 22, 2009, 05:36:06 pm

A man walked into a bar and said ouch.

A man in a truck was driving through the bush in the Alice Springs area. He saw an aboriginal walking barefoot with a sheet of corrigated iron and a carton of beer. The man asked the aboriginal what he was doing and the aborignal man replied ' i split up with my wife, she got the kids and i got the house contents'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on November 24, 2009, 12:42:51 am

A Kiwi ventriloquist visiting Australia walks
into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda
patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Aussie: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Aussie: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes
me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the
Elements.'

Aussie: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Aussie: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f**k*g' liar.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on November 24, 2009, 12:43:46 am

A visitors guide to driving in Western Australia

For those outside Australia , we drive right hand drive cars and drive on the left hand side of the road.

In W A , we have an unwritten road code, therefore, it is suggested that you discard your official copy so diligently obtained and studied prior to your visit. The following rules apply to the W A roads, not in any particular order of importance.

1. The correct overtaking lane is the left hand lane. The right hand lane is reserved for sightseeing, making mobile phone calls, and looking for street signs. If someone behind you puts on their high beam when you are in the right hand lane, they do not want to overtake, but, in fact, are trying to give you more light in which to read your street directory. We in the west are so considerate like that.

2. Tunnels are a big novelty here, despite probably being commonplace where you come from. A s a result, you are expected to reduce speed considerably on entering our very own tunnel so you have more time to appreciate the engineering and architecture of this magnificent structure, which is far better than anything in your hometown.

3. In W A , it is illegal to use a hand held mobile phone while you are driving. Please do not let that stop you, your call is important to us. However, we all recognise the inherent danger in using these devices while driving, so it is recommended that whilst using a mobile, please move to the right lane (you should be there already) and reduce speed to ensure you can still respond in a timely manner to any change in road conditions.

4. Roundabouts are something we have never really got used to. To avoid any confusion, please do not indicate at all, as any indication is confusing. Should you not be to sure who has right of way, feel free to stop in the middle of the roundabout to give way to your left. This is also a great gesture of courtesy, and should anyone toot their horn, it is in appreciation of your courtesy. Likewise, a vertical finger is a wave of “welcome to Perth ”.

5. On many of our country roads there are overtaking lanes to allow drivers to overtake slower vehicles on sections where it would otherwise be difficult or impossible to do so. You should be mindful of the fact that speed is our biggest killer and you therefore have a moral obligation to drive at least 20kph below the speed limit on the single lane sections, and accelerate to whatever speed is necessary to prohibit those reckless drivers in our midst from overtaking. They are a danger to the community at large and who knows how many lives you will save by such a small contribution as this.

6. Traffic lights are a modern method of regulating the flow of traffic but have the effect of causing vehicles to travel in packs. Therefore, the appropriate method to reduce this effect is to wait until the vehicle in front of you is a reasonable distance from you before you move away from the lights. Ten car lengths or more is considered appropriate. Do not accelerate quickly away from the lights, as this will make you stand out as a tourist.

7. Merging of two lanes into one has its dangers. The obvious way to reduce these dangers is to reduce your speed prior to attempting a merging manoeuvre. While you may be used to merging one for one, this simply does not work here and you should try to stay as close to the car in front to ensure you don’t lose your place in the queue.

8. If all the above rules are too confusing, remember that when all else fails, drive in the right hand lane and be totally oblivious to anything that may be happening around you. It is not as easy as it sounds but with some practice you’ll find yourself driving like a local in no time.

Follow these simple rules and you are ensured of a pleasant stay in our beautiful state without standing out from the crowd as just another tourist. Enjoy your stay

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jiffy on November 24, 2009, 04:38:39 pm

1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'..

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual'.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? 'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' the doctor asks. 'Don't you start' says the guy.

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Hong-Chau-Ling. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: oggy on November 24, 2009, 05:35:40 pm

A man finds a woman on the beach with no arms or legs. Shes crying and says shes never been kissed or fu*ked before. He gently bends over and kisses her lips. He then picks her up and throws her in the water and says "now youre fu*ked"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on November 24, 2009, 09:07:20 pm

A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada. The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by. "Och, Whut's Thaaat?!" he asked. His Canadian friend looked out the window, and said, "Oh, that's a Moose." "Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are yoor cats aroond here?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on November 25, 2009, 06:17:07 pm

A blonde gets a job as a teacher

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids
Are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to
Speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the f*cking goal keeper"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on November 25, 2009, 08:27:08 pm

Advice for new immigrants in Australia.
If you are trapped in a burning house or have been seriously injured
And you are bleeding to death...the new emergency number is........

0965465767644324871687468769846997997496569987617
6354698659799967591265737249519787653211967849675
2745475975465467595112759727849782879855258627273
9819779879297897871729891975646654619679797795664
6598979462996642799965641719997995412487453659874
1548569853268543264417978461524376498451212467978
2154679845534645784642746

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on December 07, 2009, 10:13:09 am

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..

On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: bridgo65 on December 08, 2009, 09:58:42 am

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Boom Tish !!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on December 08, 2009, 02:37:13 pm

Think you are having a bad day???

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries.. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it.
One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. But keep reading......

Still think you 're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business.
About to stand, he flipped the cigarette butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out.
He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdes oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?

.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jaylay on December 08, 2009, 04:08:26 pm

yes i am thanks ;_

that was gold ^^^^^^

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 08, 2009, 08:45:08 pm

In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. The girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

Liking where this is going all three fork over the money. The girl then turns to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jaylay on December 08, 2009, 09:10:41 pm

hehehe

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on December 10, 2009, 05:25:04 pm

Why I Was Fired

For the Annual Company Picnic, management had decided that because of liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one drink per person...?

I was fired for ordering the cups.

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/big.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on December 12, 2009, 01:35:14 am

The name's just Fred.....
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all
the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored
doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 12, 2009, 05:10:36 pm

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on December 14, 2009, 01:04:12 pm

When U Black U Black

When U Black U Black:

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny.

What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!

When I was born, I was BLACK ,

When I grew up, I was BLACK ,

When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,

When I got cold, I was BLACK ,

When I was scared, I was BLACK ,

When I was sick, I was BLACK ,

And when I die, I'll still be BLACK ..

NOW, You 'white' folks....

When you're born, you're PINK,

When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,

When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,

When you get sick, you're GREEN,

When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,

And when you die, you look GREY.

So who y'all callin'

COLORED folks?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Darren Dorcich on December 14, 2009, 07:52:25 pm

Whats the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stopped after 3 Ho's

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Foresight on December 14, 2009, 07:59:20 pm

Why did tiger woods hit the hydrant and the tree?

Because he couldnt decided between the iron or the wood

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on December 14, 2009, 11:18:45 pm

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on December 18, 2009, 08:51:51 am

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame.Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams ..If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let theirdreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
Happened to your underwear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ H enny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WIT H you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave H owell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.Here's how it went:

" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalocan only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And whenthe herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Foresight on December 18, 2009, 02:50:25 pm

[/b]Male Date-Drug[/b]
(be sure to watch the video at the end)

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to
be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then
simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers ,
men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking
women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of
exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague
feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' .. In extreme
cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting
male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as
'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered
and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it,
there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the
phone book.

For a video to see how Beer works click here:

Beer Demo http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 18, 2009, 04:12:29 pm

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, WHIP ME!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: napes on December 18, 2009, 08:24:14 pm

A baby seal walks into club... :*

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 18, 2009, 09:31:00 pm

Q. WHAT’S WORSE THAN WAKING UP WITH A LUMP IN YOUR THROAT?

A. FINDING A STRING ATTACHED TO IT.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on December 29, 2009, 11:46:34 pm

Tampax has announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.

This will be for the Christmas period only...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Ballman on January 01, 2010, 08:00:11 pm

Three women are discussing their husbands in bed.

The first one says "Mine is like a sports car; fast and smooth."
The second says "Mine is like a muscle car; big and powerful."
The third says "Well mine is like a vintage car; only rallies once a year and needs to get started by hand"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 01, 2010, 09:49:07 pm

BERYL and Gertie, two elderly widows in a retirement village, were playing cards when a new fella they didn’t recognise swaggered in the door. The old ducks spent the next few hours swooning over the handsome stranger, trying to work up the courage to approach him.
After a couple of sherries, Beryl staggered over to chat up the bloke. He looked lonely sitting there all by himself, so she broke the ice by saying, “Excuse me, I hope I’m not prying, but me and my friend were wondering why you look so lonely.”
“I’ve spent the last 20 years in prison,” admitted the fella.
“You’re kidding! What for?” asked Beryl.
“For killing my third wife – I strangled her,” the old bloke replied.
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And your first?”
“Oh, I poisoned her.”
Beryl jumped up from the table, walked back to Gertie as quickly as she could and whispered, “Beauty, Gert! He’s single!”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: non member on January 03, 2010, 03:08:19 pm

What you call dog with no legs?

Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: non member on January 03, 2010, 03:16:43 pm

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.

He said, "No hablo ingles."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: non member on January 03, 2010, 03:24:47 pm

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Foresight on January 03, 2010, 03:27:21 pm

Quote

Originally posted by ozbilt
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.

He said, "No hablo ingles."

Gold

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on January 04, 2010, 09:19:37 pm

A guy sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.

The bartender filled his mug and slid it down the bar.

While sliding down the bar, the mug hit a blond woman's boobs and
splashed all over them...
The bartender went over, retrieved the mug and licked the beer off her
boobs.

Each time the guy called for another beer this happened.
After his third beer, the guy decided to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumped up and started
to lick them...
She decked him!

He was laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why'd you let the
bartender lick your boobs, but not me?'
'Duh,' said the blond, 'He has a licker license!'?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 10, 2010, 04:28:07 pm

A guy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby.
"Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably" said the guy "she burns everything else!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on January 12, 2010, 10:09:42 am

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/image001111.gif)

HILLBILLY DIVORCE
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer... The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 12, 2010, 08:37:47 pm

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little croctail sausage. The cat was feeling quite peckish so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw and hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and he peered into the pond again - there was another sausage but this time it was a normal sized one so the cat reached in but this time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom of the pond - it looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLOSH - he fell in.

The moral of the story is: The bigger the sausage - the wetter the pussy.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 12, 2010, 08:39:53 pm

Bloody autocensor.;w;w;w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 17, 2010, 06:07:06 pm

Students at school were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish.

One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and
all the sardines were dead."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Pedro on January 17, 2010, 10:15:55 pm

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS?
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE... THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.

SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED..

'BUT WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: BLKPNY on January 19, 2010, 07:33:54 pm

Firstly, sorry Rick and the others from Tassie!

Why are murder so hard to solve in Tassie?
There are no dental records, and all the DNA is the same!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: BLKPNY on January 19, 2010, 07:59:53 pm

I suffer from Dyslexia, I was invited to a Toga party

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v390/crushu/314.jpg)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v390/crushu/Funnys/Sexytoga2.jpg)

And went dressed as a GOAT!

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v390/crushu/Funnys/CIMG4777.jpg)

Do you know what DNA is the acronym for? National Dyslexics Association

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HAPPY ONE on January 19, 2010, 10:14:43 pm

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling'.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked

'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said,

'You doing velly well, only two left'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HAPPY ONE on January 19, 2010, 10:18:09 pm

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt
to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge
opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she crosses her legs……
Enough times till her husband says……. ”Are you wearing crotchless knickers?”

“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.

“Thank Christ for that……. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge.”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HAPPY ONE on January 19, 2010, 10:27:23 pm

God Loves Blondes

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray...
'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays...
'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car.

I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this...... Buy
a f#@*ing ticket.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HAPPY ONE on January 19, 2010, 10:33:49 pm

MY PRIVATE PART DIED
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this .)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HAPPY ONE on January 19, 2010, 10:39:54 pm

Three little ducks go into a Bar......

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great.. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked..

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 20, 2010, 09:00:03 pm

DURING World War Two an Australian soldier was given a couple of weeks’ leave from the front line, so he headed to England for a much-needed break. Once he arrived he jumped on a train, but it was so crowded that he couldn’t find a seat anywhere. After walking along the carriages he finally found a woman who had her dog sitting on the spare seat next to her.
“Can I please sit where your dog is?” asked the soldier.
“You bloody Australians are so rude!” the lady spat. “Can’t you see my dog is sitting here?”
The Aussie stood around for a few minutes until he felt like he was going to collapse. “Lady, I love dogs,” he pleaded, “so I would happily hold it if you’d just let me have that seat.”
“You Australians are not only rude, but you are also loud and obnoxious,” shrieked the lady. After three months on the front line, the Aussie soldier had had enough, so he grabbed the little dog and chucked it straight out the window. The lady was speechless, but a neatly dressed fella across the aisle tapped the Aussie on the shoulder.
“Young man,” he said, “I do not know if all you Australians fit the lady’s description, but I do know you do a lot of things wrong. You drink the wrong kind of beer, you follow the wrong type of football, and now you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window!”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 67hardtop on January 21, 2010, 04:35:38 pm

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she
wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were
too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted
that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found
3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged,
she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you
not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told
her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that
the first rose was from him:

"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

The second rose is from my nurse.. She assisted me in the
surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure
done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to
thank you for his new ears.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: edspaged2 on January 22, 2010, 12:34:53 am

Q: what did the kiwi say to the jew?
A: Hebrew!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on January 22, 2010, 09:15:48 am

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Warning of increased Global terrorist threat

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!,” "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on January 22, 2010, 09:45:48 am

TIGERSHARK.
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/20100106_081012_Tigershark.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on January 22, 2010, 09:49:51 am

Eonverye taht can raed tihs rsaie yuor hnad.
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/image-1.jpg)
To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:
Only great minds can read this
This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Foresight on January 22, 2010, 02:18:46 pm

History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word
10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the f*** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963
And .... drum roll ...,,,,,..
The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....
"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is going to find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: dalex on January 22, 2010, 09:26:59 pm

You might be addicted to racing if:

You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
You take your helmet along when you go to a car dealership for a test-drive.
Every time you go to the grocery store you feel compelled to beat your previous best time.
When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
When you hear 'overcooked it,' instead of food you think 'off the track.'
You change engine oil every other week. You check tire pressures every other day.
You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.
You once had an argument with your wife over whether you should pay the mortgage on time or get those new heads while they were on sale.
You push you cart through a proper line in the grocery store.
You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
You bought a tow vehicle instead of braces for your kid.
You and your wife go house hunting and you never actually get inside the house because you're checking out the garage for 220v.
You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.
Your wife doesn't understand why you need three sets of tires for your car.
Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
You have car parts in your cubicle at work.
You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
You're registered for wedding gifts with Edelbrock and Griggs.
Your Christmas list begins with another set of BFG R1s and aluminum rack bushings and your 'significant other' knows what these are.
Your home library consists of auto parts catalogs, books written by F1 drivers, anything about Carroll Shelby, and 400 car magazines.
People know you by your car number or your "offs" -- "Oh, you were the one stuck in the mud in Turn 5 last weekend!"
Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.
Your friends have never seen your hair actually combed. They only know it's color as "greasy."
Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.
You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.
A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Corn."
You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."
You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.
You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.
You can't stand understeer.
You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.
You hate long distance driving vacations, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.
You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.
You save broken car parts as " mementos".
You've tried synthetic oil and racing gas in your lawn mower.
You've tweaked your riding lawn mower trying to improve its cornering ability.
Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.
You would choose a rollbar over air conditioning if it were an option.
You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots using the Emergency Brake to turn.
You spend more on insurance premiums than on food.
When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Skip Barber".
You have racing shops programmed on your speed dialer.
You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.
You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute.
You've slalomed in a construction zone, and counted your penalty time in the rearview mirror afterwards.
After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she answers: "Why, is there a race there?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on January 22, 2010, 09:43:00 pm

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the Bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says ANYTHING during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a mountainous stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands and shouts "OKAY OKAY! I"LL DO THE F..KING DISHES!!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on February 04, 2010, 05:02:15 pm

My mate bragged to me about how he was shagging twins.
I said "cripes mate that's dangerous how do you tell them apart"?

Easy he said, "her brothers got a mustache".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: stangLover on February 05, 2010, 09:41:24 am

Why can't Barbie ever have babies?

Ken comes in his own box.......Doah!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 05, 2010, 11:35:51 am

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well... she's there."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: non member on February 06, 2010, 03:51:00 am

How Many Forum Members Does It Take To Change a Tyre?

1 - to change the tyre and to post that the tyre has been changed

14 - to share similar experiences of changing tyres and how the tyre could have been changed differently

7 - to caution about the dangers of changing tyres

1 - to move it to the Tyres section

2 - to argue then move it to the Repairs section

7 - to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing tyres

5 - to flame the spell checkers

3 - to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 - to argue over whether it's "tire" or "tyre" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 - ndustry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "wheel"

15 - know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "tyre" is perfectly correct

19 - to post that this forum is not about tyres and to please take this discussion to a changing tyre forum

11 - to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use tyres and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 - to debate which method of changing tyres is superior, where to buy the best tyres, what brand of tyres work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 - to post URL's where one can see examples of different tyres

4 - to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

5 - to post photos of tyres that they have changed.

13 - to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 - to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the tyre controversy

4 - to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 - to say "do a Google search on tyres before posting questions about tyres"

1 - forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HAPPY ONE on February 06, 2010, 02:51:16 pm

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry" he says "My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HAPPY ONE on February 06, 2010, 02:56:48 pm

The Definitive Guide to Being an Aussie ;+;+;+

1. The bigger the hat , the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved
by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the bloke next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

12. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

13. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool..

14. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

15. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

16. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

17. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

18. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

19. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit.That's what backyards are for.

20. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the Motel's pool will always be slightly larger

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 6T9rustang on February 07, 2010, 09:07:59 pm

Don't ban high performance cars! Ban low performance drivers!:w

The older I get, the better I was!:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on February 08, 2010, 09:52:45 am

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time
before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 08, 2010, 08:49:08 pm

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband, "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 65GTK on February 09, 2010, 01:30:10 am

Well, living up here in Broome, is a bit different than lots of other places in oz. Often after work I grab my sons, dogs, cricket bat and ball, footy and esky then throw the lot into the back of the ute and go to the beach. Sometimes I let the dogs in the car. This arvo, I lob down to Cable Beach over the rocks and up to the nudie side. There's 20 klms of beach, plenty of room for all. Kids and dogs hit the ground running, so there's me and esky, cold beer and a scattering of people. Paradise. This physically stunning chick about 27/28 jogs up with her "not sure how big bouncy bits" were with a big HI PAUL.

Well I stopped pouring beer down my shirt and I thought where do I know this chick from. I'm grouse with names not "how you going girl" the brain is working @ 200gps, who is she?? I'm stumped. She says I've had your son. Holy XXXX, bingo "You're Katerena the chick @ rimo's bucks turn. I was drilling you while your mate with the nuns costume and big tits was whipping my arse with wet celery."

No, I'm Clare and I'm Norton's teacher this year"

??????????????????? Sorry about that mate would you like a cold one?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 11, 2010, 09:20:52 am

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED
FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.
REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU
FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN ' T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN ' T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN ' T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU ' VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on February 11, 2010, 09:47:00 am

A bus full of nuns crashes into a river and all the nuns end up in a line waiting at the pearly gates. At the head of the line St Peter is standing next to a pedestal with a large bowl of water. He says to the first nun "To enter heaven you must wash, with this water, every part of your body that has been touched by a penis."
So sister Susan dips her hands into the water and enters heaven. From the back of the line sister Christina yells "Hey peter can I go next? F**ked if im gargling that water after Catherines washed her ass with it!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Foresight on February 12, 2010, 06:44:41 pm

A gorgeous redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on February 13, 2010, 03:43:21 pm

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on February 13, 2010, 03:52:20 pm

One for the Old guys...see if it fits

I was in Woolies the other day pushing my cart around when I collided
with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I
guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other...... What does your wife look
like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on February 13, 2010, 04:23:00 pm

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline...

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan ..

I told them I was suicidal...

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on February 13, 2010, 04:40:17 pm

Men love their cars.......

Women love their shoes.

Neither can explain it sensibly without sounding well, a bit odd.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on February 13, 2010, 08:46:41 pm

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 65GTK on February 16, 2010, 01:03:17 pm

This is hilarious!!! Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time!!!!!!!

A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!! !'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?' ! ;

In a huff, the woman says,

'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

Now stop laughing and send it to your friends.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 16, 2010, 06:39:46 pm

An Aboriginal was driving along the road when he noticed that one of his rear tyres had gone flat. With a sigh and a curse he pulled over, got out the car jack and wheel brace and started undoing the nuts on the wheel.
Just after he started, a Subaru going along at high speed stopped in front of his car, brakes squealing. Out hops a big Islander bloke carrying a baseball bat. The Islander proceeds to smash the side window of the guy's car. With that he jumps up and starts yelling "What the f..k are you doing bro!?" The Islander replied "Cool it, bro. If you takin' da wheels don't put no sh.t on me for takin' da CD player!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HAPPY ONE on February 16, 2010, 11:41:03 pm

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

;2;2;2;2;2:w:w:w:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HAPPY ONE on February 16, 2010, 11:42:37 pm

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of
her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it.'

:p:p:p:p

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HAPPY ONE on February 16, 2010, 11:44:26 pm

A man went to a dentist one day for a regular check up. The dentist decided that one tooth was in such bad condition that it should be extracted. He advised the patient of the situation who then agreed to the procedure.
When the dentist went to give him an injection the man said, "Don't worry, I don't need an injection". The dentist explained that the procedure could be very painful, however the patient insisted that he would be OK without a needle. The patient replied that he had two experiences in recent times that had made him immune to pain so the dentist went ahead and extracted the tooth. To his amazement the guy didn't even wince.
Astonished, he remarked, " That was amazing, the two recent experiences you say you had that made you immune to pain must have been something special. Would you care to tell me about them".
The man said, "Sure, one day I was out hunting down Central OTAGO way and suddenly had an overwhelming urge to evacuate my bowels. I ducked behind a bush and squatted down and my scrotum landed squarely on the trigger of a rabbit trap and CRUNCH!!".

The dentist exclaimed, "Oh my god, that must have been excruciating, but what was the second experience".

The man replied, "When I ran out of chain."

;x;x;x

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on February 17, 2010, 04:36:53 pm

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, 'D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp me?'

The doctor says, 'Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on.' So he examines him
and says, 'Well I think I know what the problem is.'

The guy says, 'Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?' The doctor says, 'Well, it's your p*nis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords..'

The guy says, 'Wwwat cccan we ddo?' The doctor advises, 'Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.' The guy says, 'Dddeal....Dddo it!'

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, 'Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks.

My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.'

The doctor says, 'P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 17, 2010, 04:45:51 pm

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 17, 2010, 10:18:50 pm

Q. WHAT’S GOT TWO GREY LEGS AND TWO BROWN LEGS?

A. AN ELEPHANT WITH DIARRHOEA.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on February 18, 2010, 04:10:31 pm

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing
newDrive-throughATM|
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without
leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the

procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE"
procedures

have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps
for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(What is really funny is that most of this part is the
truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car

window with the machine.

3. Setparking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat
to

locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and
hang
up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to
its
excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written

on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash
inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt

in back of chequebook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card

into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind
you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles..

27. Release Parking Brake.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on February 18, 2010, 04:13:34 pm

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b1tches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on February 18, 2010, 04:18:48 pm

A THOUGHTFUL (NO NAME) SCOTTISH HUSBAND

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said,

'Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.'

She replied, ' Awe Love that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you?'

'Nay, he replied, I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on February 18, 2010, 04:23:14 pm

A LITTLE LONG BUT WORTH IT !!!!!!!!!

Subject: Born in the 40's - 70's?

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1940's, 50's, 60's, 70's & 80's !

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos..
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY,
no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on

MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: non member on February 18, 2010, 04:27:55 pm

Rural Australian Computer Terminology

A little bit of Aussie culcha.....

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make...
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the veranda.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go...

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 24, 2010, 10:35:27 pm

THE SOLUTION TO SENIOR HEALTH CARE

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you are a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax. And if we all do our part we can end up in the same prison and have one hell of a social life. I really think we have found a perfect solution!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 25, 2010, 09:49:49 pm

A young couple was married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

:*

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on February 26, 2010, 03:12:52 pm

WOMAN'S DIARY

28 July 2009 Saturday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls

and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud,

so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted

so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself

- he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be

paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered

if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong,

but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going
upstairs to bed,

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and,

to my surprise, we made love

- but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep -

I think he's planning to leave me -

maybe he's found someone else.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 28 July

Australia lost the cricket.

Gutted.

Got a r..t though.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on February 27, 2010, 02:24:43 pm

What's a Mastiff ?

Lads in the front row at Rihanna's concert.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 27, 2010, 09:48:14 pm

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy" said Mr. Wallace.

"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace.

"I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."

:f

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: donoauto on February 28, 2010, 07:48:23 am

Man goes to the doctor & tells him " Every time I sneeze , I have an orgasm , Doc. Can you help me?"

Doctor responds " Are you already taking anything for it?"

Man replies " Yes , black pepper !"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: donoauto on February 28, 2010, 07:50:16 am

Got a text message from a mate the other day saying " If I went around to your place , banged your missus & got her pregnant , would we be related??"

I texted back " Na , but it would make us even "

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on March 02, 2010, 09:33:18 am

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HAPPY ONE on March 05, 2010, 09:10:42 am

After Making De Love

The Italian says :

'When I've a finisheda makinada love with my girlfriend I go down and

gently tickle the back of herknees, she floatsa 6 inches above a da bed

in ecstasy'.

The Frenchmanreplies:

'Zat is nothing, when Ah 'avefinished making ze love with ze girlfriend,

Ah kiss all ze way down herbody and zen ah lick zer soles of her feet

wiz mah tongue and she floats12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy'.

The Aussie says:

'Mate, that's nothing. WhenI've finished shaggin my missus, I get out

of bed, walk over to thewindow and wipe my dick on the curtains.

And MATE ..... She hits the f*#king roof.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on March 05, 2010, 05:34:23 pm

one for forsight.....:+

Here is a little calculation to help you find your all time favorite movie. Mine was Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Give it a go it really works...

· OK, pick a number from 1 to 9
· Multiply it by 3
· Add 3
· Then multiply by 3 again
· Then add those two digits together.

Your favourite film is the one which number you have.

Scroll down.......... this is never wrong

1. Gone with the Wind

2. Back to the Future

3. Jaws

4. Star Wars

5. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark

6. Terminator

7. The Sound of Music

8. Predator

9. Gay Black Men In Leather Taking It Up The Ass, Vol. 2

10. Saving Private Ryan

Told you it really works!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on March 05, 2010, 10:44:59 pm

Tarzan is swinging through the forest when he meets Jane.

They get talking and the subject gets around to sex.

Tarzan says he just has to make do with a knot hole in a tree trunk.

Jane responds that she'll show him a better way.

So she drops her fig leaf and lays down on the ground.

Right here Tarzan she says, pointing to the map of Tasmania.

Without warning Tarzan gives her a massive kick in the privates.

In agony and after taking minutes to recover, she blurts out "what the hell was that for"

Tarzan says calmly..........

"checking for possums".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: donoauto on March 06, 2010, 12:37:58 pm

Latest news for our kiwi friends here. Just noticed on Channel 10 news that the price of lamb has gone up!!!!!! Apparently it`s now around $40 an hour

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on March 06, 2010, 03:23:58 pm

Quote

Originally posted by donoauto
Latest news for our kiwi friends here. Just noticed on Channel 10 news that the price of lamb has gone up!!!!!! Apparently it`s now around $40 an hour

You pay more if mint sauce is used!:w:w:w:w:w:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 06, 2010, 04:31:44 pm

On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.

Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward, "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."

The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"

Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can you tell me what's in my glass?" Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk's glass. "Christ, this tastes like piss", he exclaimed after he had spat the mouthful out. "That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HAPPY ONE on March 09, 2010, 09:32:05 am

Sex and Sunshine

FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.

FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:
1 old timer is reading emails.

You hang in there, Sunshine

:w:w:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on March 09, 2010, 01:54:32 pm

My New Year’s resolution is to learn Indian so I can understand my doctor and the person who answers the phone when I have a computer, telephone, warranty or MacDonalds problem.

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"... ja unnerstan dat?

By the time you read this, you’ll be able to.

In order to continue getting-by in Australia , we all need to learn the NEW English language called Englasiaish! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes....

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and a call room-service somewhere in good old Oztoday......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "......What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "ummm... crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... ummm... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder den?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea... meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, with meel uh milk please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "Wan minnie. Cramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy with meel ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said, "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' "......and you do, don't you!

.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 09, 2010, 05:49:48 pm

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $299 to $399, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
::::::

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: bridgo65 on March 10, 2010, 02:32:31 pm

Confucious say....fat man who walk through door sideways, going to Bankok !!!

oh and this one...

Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat.....one day your bound to be pissed off !!

Boom tish !!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 10, 2010, 04:28:26 pm

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on March 11, 2010, 03:48:11 pm

"A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' 'No thanks says the jockey I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!""

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Gator on March 11, 2010, 07:30:40 pm

Life Without Farms...

A teacher in a Chicago kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:

"FREEZE, MUTHAF#@%A!!"

I guess there aren't many farms in Chicago.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Gator on March 11, 2010, 11:44:35 pm

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f@#kin' widow."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on March 12, 2010, 03:24:50 am

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and owned lots of mustangs and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 12, 2010, 02:33:13 pm

ONE day a teacher walked into her classroom and saw the word “pen.is” written in tiny letters on the blackboard. Disgusted, she picked up her duster and rubbed it off before the children could see it.
The next day she walked in the classroom to find the same word written on the blackboard in slightly larger letters. Again, she rubbed it off, but the same thing happened every day, and the letters got bigger every time.
Finally, she confronted her class about it, and a little boy up the back of the room admitted that he was the culprit.
“Miss,” he explained, “surely you know that the more you rub a pen.is, the bigger it gets?”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on March 13, 2010, 10:09:36 am

A Ranger ans an Indian are walking in a National Park, when the Indian Knelt down and put his ear to the ground. After a few seconds, he stood up and said "Buffalo come". The Ranger asked "Can you hear them?" The Indian replied " No, ear sticky."
:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 13, 2010, 11:03:42 am

The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the
last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Danish."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Gator on March 13, 2010, 10:50:49 pm

Why I fired my Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning,let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,my secretary Jane said,'Good Morning Boss,and by the way Happy Birthday !
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know,it's such a beautiful day outside,and it is your Birthday,what do you say we go out to lunch,just you and me?

I said, 'Thanks, Jane,that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we ?'

I responded,'I guess not.

What do you have in mind ?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,' Boss, if you don't mind,

I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...followed by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,

all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...

On the couch... Bollock naked

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on March 15, 2010, 10:49:28 am

The Wedding Ring

A man went to the hospital in Melbourne to have his wedding ring cut off from
his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the
ring in his pants pocket.

She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to
slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

OR...

3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+
Tough call. You decide.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on March 15, 2010, 03:35:05 pm

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Irish Millionaire.

Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on
'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program
had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far,"
said Chris Tarrant,
the show's presenter,
"but for a million pounds
you've only got one life-line left –
phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.....
will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,

''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin Mick called up his

mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......
It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!

Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night,

Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy?

How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ND69 on March 17, 2010, 08:39:15 am

1.   To find a women you need Time and money therefore,
. Women = Time x Money

2.   “Time is money” so,
. Time = Money

3.   Therefore
. Woman = Money x Money
. Woman = (Money )2

4.   “ Money is the root of all problems”
. Money = √Problems

5.   Therefore
. Women = Problems

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on March 17, 2010, 10:06:07 pm

This big footballer bloke starts chatting up a bird in a bar.

He asks if she would like to see the tattoo on his arm.

So he lifts up his sleeve, and there in big letters is REEBOK.

She asks him why, and he says it's a sponsorship deal.

Later he says he has one on his back.

The bird can't resist and he pulls up his shirt and it's NIKE.

Yet another sponsor.

Later back at his flat he says he has one last tatt to show her.

Sure enough it's on the old fella, and it reads AIDS.

The bird reels back in horror and wants to go.

Don't worry he says, it'll be ADIDAS in a tick.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on March 19, 2010, 11:24:36 am

I swear that this is a true Bundy Rum Fishing Story.................

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)...Queensland's famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish! (For you o/seas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the world’s top 10, Australia has 5.

When I was recently on holidays I finally got around to going fishing this morning on the Burnett River, Bundaberg, with Barry Cane an old Army mate, but after a while we ran out of worms.
Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my trusty bottle of Bundaberg rum (a Bundy Boy never travels without it) and poured a little rum in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the river without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on March 19, 2010, 11:34:50 am

I went down this morning to sign up my Dog at Centrelink.
At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare payments".

So I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My Dog gets his first cheque Friday.

Damn this is a great country

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Gator on March 19, 2010, 09:10:30 pm

Note found on the refrigerator one morning:

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.

I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.

As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference, 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Gator on March 19, 2010, 09:16:05 pm

THREE BEARS

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear wh o made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water..

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence,

listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Chopper on March 19, 2010, 10:38:25 pm

Do you know the difference between "guts" and "balls"?

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next" :o

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Chopper on March 19, 2010, 10:40:19 pm

Old Lady Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast Why do you ask?" Mildred hung-up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Chopper on March 19, 2010, 10:43:48 pm

One more

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day & most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany.

Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around from the bar & falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says & pulls himself up using a stool, dusts himself off, takes a step towards the door & falls flat on his face again.

"Shoite! Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway & thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door & some fresh air he'll be fine. So he belly crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, sticks his head outside & takes a deep breath of fresh air.

Feeling much better he takes a step out onto the sidewalk......& falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm stoofed," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down. Crawls to the door, shimmies
up the door frame, opens the door, slithers inside. He takes a look up the stairs & says "Lord ...spare me".

Slowly crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door, takes a step into the room & falls flat on his face.

Eventually makes his way to the bed & falls into it.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee & says,

"Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says,

"I did Jess.
I was bloody pissed.
But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Gator on March 19, 2010, 11:01:53 pm

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man,

"Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you
say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says,

"Tits."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Gator on March 19, 2010, 11:08:16 pm

A COUPLE MORE

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not f##king listening'

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.
I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f##ks off.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on March 20, 2010, 08:56:39 pm

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a DIY Virginity Test Kit - a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?" The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see', you hit her with the shovel."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on March 23, 2010, 11:13:30 am

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
>
>
>
> The robot says, "What will you have?"
>
> The guy says, "Martini."
>
> The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
>
> "What's your IQ?"
>
> The guy says, "168."
>
> The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,
>
> space exploration and medical technology.
>
> The guy leaves, but he is curious...
>
> So he goes back into the bar.
>
> The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
>
> The guy says, "Martini."
>
> Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,
>
> "What's your IQ?"
>
> The guy says, "100."
>
> The robot then starts to talk about V8 Supercars, Crownies, and John Deere tractors.
>
> The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,
>
> so he thinks he will try it one more time.
>
> He goes back into the bar.
>
> The robot says, "What will you have?"
>
> The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
>
> The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
>
> The guy says, "Uh, about 60."
>
> The robot leans in real close and says,

>
> "So, you people still happy you voted for Kevin and Anna?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on March 23, 2010, 05:02:58 pm

Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life..

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

You really didn't think I knew anything about Penguins did you?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on March 24, 2010, 12:03:51 am

A blonde decides to try horseback ridig, even though she has had no experience.
She mounts the horse. unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.....As it gallops along at its staedy and rhytmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from her saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horses flanks.
The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on March 30, 2010, 05:12:40 pm

Oil Change Instructions

For Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

$30 Oil Change

$1 Coffee

$31 Total

==========

For Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.

2) Stop by 7/11 (in the States), and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16" box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy..

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil..

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

$50 Parts

$20 Beer

$75 Impound fee

$1500 Bail

$2500 DUI

$6,000 Increased insurance cost over the next 3 years due to DUI conviction

$10,145 Total

But you know the job was done right!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on March 31, 2010, 12:42:09 pm

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous

And does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States,
He wakes one morning to find his penis covered
With bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, He immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this
Before, orders some tests and tells the man to
Return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and
The doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you,

You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very
Rare and almost unheard of here, we know
Very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says,
'Well, give me a shot or something and fix
Me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's
No known cure.
We're going to have to amputate it.'

The man screams in horror,
'Absolutely not,! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, go ahead, if
You want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
Figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
Proclaims, 'Ah, Yes, Mongolian VD.
Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already
Know that but what can we do,?

My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it,!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.

'Stupid American docttah, always want to
Opawate. Make more money dat way.

No need to amputate.!'

Oh, Thank God,!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor,

'Wait two weeks..

Fawl off by self. !'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 67hardtop on March 31, 2010, 02:41:08 pm

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverblack gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on April 01, 2010, 10:42:20 am

One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study
for a test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt.
They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding
last night and on their return, a tyre burst on their car and they had to
push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to
do the test.
The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day, they went for their test.
The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were
required to sit in separate classrooms.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days...

The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 Marks........

Q. 1. Which tyre?

a) Front Left b) Front Right
c) Back Left d) Back Right

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 01, 2010, 05:07:13 pm

Martha recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table..
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,

"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,

"Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

:w

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 02, 2010, 10:58:51 pm

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Pedro on April 03, 2010, 09:24:35 am

A husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on April 07, 2010, 10:03:51 am

The Pope and the
Rabbi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed
that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a
huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a
religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won,
they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or
leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged
and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no
Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a
"silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and
rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised
his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi
looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the
Pope waved his finger around his head.

The
rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The
Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of
wine.

The rabbi pulled out an
apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and
declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could
stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the
Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope
said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by
holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to
both our beliefs.

"Then, I waved my finger
around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by
pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with
us.

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show
that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of
the original sin.

"He bested me at every move
and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the
Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," the rabbi said.

"First, he told me that we had three days to get out
of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

"Then he
tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that
we were staying right here."

"And then what?"
asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so
I took out mine."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 07, 2010, 10:26:27 pm

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead..

At a Kocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man..'

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
And by then, it was too late.'

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on April 09, 2010, 09:22:22 pm

FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,
they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

AND:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A : Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on April 10, 2010, 09:27:40 am

[size=20]

Why I fired my Secretary [/size]

[size=10]
Last week was my birthday
And I didn't feel very well
Waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
She barely said good morning,
Let alone
' Happy B irthday.'

I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
But the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
And didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
And somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
My secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
And by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
When Jane knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
Where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
She came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
By my wife,
My kids,
And dozens of my friends
And co-workers,
All singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

[/size]

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 10, 2010, 07:55:51 pm

The Winning Question

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
Plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 Milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.
The woman hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well ...blonde.
She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Eddy any answer except the one that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a blonde, which would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could
Not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Eddy.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Eddy said, "That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"How did you happen to know the right answer?"

Wait for it,,,,

"Oh, come on," said the blonde.. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: vhal on April 10, 2010, 10:48:53 pm

Quote

Originally posted by HEVEN67
These one liners are getting long winded!
Why did the boy fall off his bike?

Cause someone threw a fridge at him!
See quality one liners!LOL:+

You got a nice one liner!! lol :+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: IGALOP on April 12, 2010, 09:37:48 pm

How do you treble the value of a Chevy?
Put petrol in it.

Why are Chevys and golf balls similar?
You can only drive them about 200 metres.

What do you call a Chevy with brakes?
Customised.

What do you call Chevy passengers?
Shock absorbers.

What do you call happy Chev owners?
Liars.

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: IGALOP on April 12, 2010, 09:44:52 pm

Police officer, " Excuse me Sir, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bike".
Man," Are you mad, my dog can't even ride a bike?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 12, 2010, 10:06:22 pm

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go and collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last nine months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an 0rgasm.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Pedro on April 22, 2010, 07:32:13 pm

Aussie Customs

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese Customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about crap on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand.
These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'man at travel agent say to become true Australian,
I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shite.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: soc123_au on April 22, 2010, 09:42:53 pm

What has 26 legs & cant climb a ladder?

The Melbourne Storm.

.................................................................................................

Whats the difference between a Triangle & The Melbourne Storm?

A Triangle has 3 points.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: GOLDSCODE on April 23, 2010, 02:26:57 pm

The week before he died Carl Williams invented a new rowing machine, when asked why ? He replied that exercise bikes did his head in !!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 67hardtop on April 23, 2010, 02:50:55 pm

They just released the transcript of the visit between Carl Williams and his dad, an hour and a half before Carl died.
The last thing his dad said before leaving was.....
"Jesus Carl you are getting bloody fatter! A bit of exercise bike wouldnt killyou!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 24, 2010, 04:19:33 pm

A Victorian police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed. So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an ass hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir?

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Ass hole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HAPPY ONE on April 24, 2010, 07:54:44 pm

A Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers.....

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his Philosophy 201 class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of p ebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or
golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with grandparents.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Practice "romance" as often as possible.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of "Mama" first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities..

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers (or a cup of coffee) or rum with a friend.

Please share this with someone you care about. I JUST DID!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on May 01, 2010, 06:32:43 pm

Be careful when shopping at Bunnings. This is a "heads up" for men who may be regular Bunnings customers like me. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you, or to your friends.

Here's how the scam works:
Two very hot 20 something girls come over to your car or truck in the parking lot as you are unloading your shopping cart into the bed of your ute. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, "No", and instead they ask you for a ride to another Bunnings Store. Of course you agree, and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing in your car or the cab of your truck. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 11th, 12th, 19th, 20th, and 30th. Also on March 1st and 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, three times this Saturday and very likely again this week.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Harris Scarfe has wallets on sale for $1.99 each

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HAPPY ONE on May 07, 2010, 04:22:33 pm

GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said Gordon, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"

'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Gordon, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be a f*cking accident either!"

:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Gator on May 07, 2010, 07:48:30 pm

HOT & COLD SEX

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be
in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to
ask me about?'

'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually
cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time,
I am usually hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything
appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would
like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with
you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'

"Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time
is usually in August and the second time is in January!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 08, 2010, 01:00:28 pm

Two cowboys were out on the range talking about their
favorite sex positions.

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I've ever heard of that one," said the other
cowboy. "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and
you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her
breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your
sister's."

"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds!"

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 08, 2010, 07:24:43 pm

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...

Done my part!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on May 10, 2010, 11:09:39 pm

WOMAN'S DIARY
28 July 2007 Saturday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.

MAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 28 July

Australia lost the cricket.

Gutted.

Got a root though.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on May 10, 2010, 11:45:01 pm

Whats similar between a Dog and short sighted Gynecologist?

Both have wet noses.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 11, 2010, 09:05:24 pm

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had

only one testicle and whose given

name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked

everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody

called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman

named Blue Bird forgot and said,

'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took

her deep into the forest where he

made love to her all day and all night..

He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone

meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call

him by his given name until a woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the

village after being away. Yellow Bird,

who was Blue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said,

'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep

into the forest, then he made love to her

all day, made love to her all night,

made love to her all the next day,

made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on.... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows...

You can't kill

Two Birds

with OneStone!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on May 14, 2010, 03:27:54 pm

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry!
And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are p***ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on May 16, 2010, 01:10:52 pm

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told by Kevin Rudd to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the Australian Tax Payers.'

The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and

-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room -for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka . I want to bring them all over here.

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said
'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian,
you're entitled to
sweet f*** all like the rest of us”.
And she disappeared

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on May 17, 2010, 08:25:53 am

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
Fu#k ....

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ponyride on May 25, 2010, 12:06:16 am

(http://i769.photobucket.com/albums/xx332/Rick61/Misc/ATT000031.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Pedro on May 25, 2010, 05:08:46 pm

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees. . .

Ees . . .

Ees . . .

Ees . . .

Ees a ham bush...."

Sorry. And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you … I know you did!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 73mach1 on May 25, 2010, 06:53:01 pm

whats the definition of a lesbian

just another chick trying to do a mans job

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: JimNiki on May 25, 2010, 10:18:24 pm

what do you call a deer with no eyes?

No Idea?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: cruise33 on May 28, 2010, 06:15:18 pm

Why did the koala think that his friend lizard has become huge in size?because he saw a crocodile and thought it to be the lizard.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on May 29, 2010, 07:06:29 pm

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/ATT00001.gif)

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD

This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell The difference Between Male and Female Birds.

I always thought it had to be determined surgically.... Until Now.

Below are Two Birds.

Study them closely...See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.
It can be done.

Even by one with limited bird watching skills.!
*
*
*
*

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/hsdfgsb.gif)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on May 29, 2010, 07:09:09 pm

Quote from: JimNiki link=topic=1394.msg110432#msg110432

what do you call a deer with no eyes?

No Idea?

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs ?

Still no eye deer...........

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dusk on June 08, 2010, 10:16:45 am

On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffered to
Parliament House. It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen
over.

As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices that
someone had "pissed" on the ice and left the message........."KEVVY
SUCKS".

Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense
spared" and to report within two weeks.

Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ...."our
investigation is over and I have three pieces of news for you... good
news, bad news and terribly bad shocking news".

Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......we spent $5 million dollars on the
investigation and have come to a successful result.

Well says Kev what's the bad news ?

The head of ASIO says "the DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne Swann's".

Kevvy is shocked beyond belief.

Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"

The ASIO chief replies..."the hand writing is Julia Gillards".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on June 08, 2010, 03:08:09 pm

What do you call a Deer with no eyes, no legs and no Gonads?

STILL no effing idea!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on June 08, 2010, 03:09:09 pm

What do you call a Bear with no ears?

B

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: nil45 on June 08, 2010, 04:29:12 pm

Wow! i loved reading the jokes.i shared these with my friends and they too loved them.Thanks for sharing these jokes.i really had a good time.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on June 10, 2010, 03:06:26 pm

Noah 2010
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/1.gif)

In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah,
who was now living in Australia, and said:
Once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start
the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/2.jpg)
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?
Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, but things have changed.

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/3.jpg)

I needed a building permit.
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/4.jpg)

I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/5.jpg)

My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/6.jpg)

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/7.jpg)

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/8.jpg)

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/9.jpg)

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/10.jpg)

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/11.gif)

Immigration are checking the status of most of the people who want to work.
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/12.jpg)

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/13.gif)

To make matters worse, they seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/14.jpg)

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/15.gif)

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/16.jpg)

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/noah2010/17.jpg)
'No,' said the Lord.

'The government beat me to it.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mikes68 on June 10, 2010, 08:56:55 pm

A Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.

The priest fainted

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mikeross on June 11, 2010, 06:59:41 pm

That was really funny.. :+ I never heard of these jokes before. I really enjoyed reading this thread. ;y
-------------------------------------
disc brakes (http://www.car-stuff.com/brakedisc.htm)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: muzz67 on June 12, 2010, 09:22:14 am

ROBOT's

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot barman.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about
global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry,
environmental interconnectedness, string theory and nanotechnology.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and
comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him,
"What's your IQ?" The man responds, "About 100." Immediately the
robot
starts talking, but this time about league, Holdens, racing, the new BIG
Mac, tattoos, Jennifer Hawkins and women in general.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot
one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,
"What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Err, 50, I think."
And the robot says ... really slowly .......
"So .............. are ya gonna vote for Kevin again?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 13, 2010, 11:39:54 am

JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN

A Mustang owner after reading one of his magazines sees and advert and calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program which in the ad garantees weight loss.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19
year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing butReebok running shoes and
a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but
no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better
and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs.
as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing
there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

:+

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on June 14, 2010, 07:55:40 pm

Gary Coleman's casket, it even has his name on it!!!

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/image001.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on June 14, 2010, 07:59:48 pm

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house,

Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....
â€˜I'll do the f****** dishesâ€™!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Gator on June 15, 2010, 07:48:20 pm

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller: Mouse is jammed.

Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse you fool!

Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really?... I will send a picture.
Scroll down?

(http://i760.photobucket.com/albums/xx248/gators_mustang/printermouse.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on June 16, 2010, 12:03:17 am

Paddy tells Mick
He's thinking of buying a labrador.

Fook off say's Mick,
have you seen how many of their owners go blind.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on June 18, 2010, 11:10:00 pm

Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on June 18, 2010, 11:13:50 pm

World Cup Fever - The off-side rule explained

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/image001-1.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on June 19, 2010, 04:42:54 pm

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on June 19, 2010, 05:40:28 pm

Professor at Oxford Uni was taking a lecture on paranormal activity.

He says "has anyone ever seen a ghost ?"

Half the class put their hand up.

Then he says "has anyone ever touched a ghost ?"

Only three people put their hand up.

Next he says "has anyone ever slept with a ghost ?"

Just Ahmed in the very back row puts his hand up.

The prof invites him down to relate his experience with the ghost.

Bugger says Ahmed, "from back there I thought you said Goats."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ponyride on June 19, 2010, 10:16:24 pm

(http://i769.photobucket.com/albums/xx332/Rick61/SigLaugh.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 20, 2010, 08:46:48 pm

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on June 22, 2010, 01:32:23 pm

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.

I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a poo."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 22, 2010, 08:23:03 pm

Sources tell me that B.P. dropped a huge wedding ring over the well and it stopped putting out immediately.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Dyn4mic on June 22, 2010, 08:31:35 pm

Quote from: Mac1 link=topic=1394.msg115818#msg115818

Sources tell me that B.P. dropped a huge wedding ring over the well and it stopped putting out immediately.

haha that reminds me of a joke my mate used to tell me, what is the only food in the world that puts a woman of sex?

wedding cake :smile01:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: non member on June 24, 2010, 02:52:48 pm

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls..
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls,
But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Gator on June 24, 2010, 10:43:07 pm

TRAGIC ACCIDENTS

Helicopter crash near Broome

(http://i760.photobucket.com/albums/xx248/gators_mustang/photo.jpg)

Truck runs over coon between Bundaberg and Cairns

(http://i760.photobucket.com/albums/xx248/gators_mustang/pic11420.jpg)

:smile01:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on June 24, 2010, 10:58:47 pm

What BP needs to stop the Oil Leak

(http://i173.photobucket.com/albums/w41/mach70/BP.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: teddy45 on June 25, 2010, 03:26:56 pm

Oh these are such wonderful jokes.i loved reading them.You guys made me laugh so much.Thanks for sharing them.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Pedro on June 26, 2010, 07:24:24 am

VATICAN HUMOR

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.......
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.!

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver from the backseat.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there,..... the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A Senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HAPPY ONE on June 26, 2010, 02:41:19 pm

In a Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA , PP20 and a red one labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? ;
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.."

MEN NEVER LISTEN

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on June 29, 2010, 10:07:03 pm

The Penis Wants a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often found visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 02, 2010, 03:56:35 pm

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from "Mississippi State University" and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 03, 2010, 06:59:00 pm

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a Truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't Talk right now I'm driving to LA !'
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny , how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into LA and I need some rest.
'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.
The nurse leaves Kenny's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing ??'
To which Davo replies, Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in LA.

:burnout:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macca J on July 04, 2010, 12:25:19 am

Hey mate, it's me Kevin Rudd.
Remember that $900 I gave you last year???
I'm going to need it back, I've lost my job.....

:therethere:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 04, 2010, 06:29:04 pm

I’m living next door to an overseas couple at the moment who hait my Mustang. They have 3 little noisey kids and they’ve finally challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I’m just writing to you while the kettle boils!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: IGALOP on July 04, 2010, 06:42:05 pm

My wife just shouted at me
" God give me patience...............right bloody now" !!!!!!!!!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jmd1 on July 07, 2010, 07:34:13 pm

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 07, 2010, 07:44:20 pm

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why.

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, '' Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa.'' His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked,

''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, "No, why do you ask?"

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL , on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu, Louisiana Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
"Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere.."
The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Gator on July 07, 2010, 08:08:17 pm

The Parcel

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to an Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar#e and go as a toffee apple.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Gator on July 07, 2010, 08:20:41 pm

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog sh#t!"

Then I would say,"It is dog sh#t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something sh#tty for free, and then making you pay to get the sh#tty taste out of your mouth."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 08, 2010, 03:34:41 pm

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, ''Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?''
He says, ''Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.''
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, ''That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, ''It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!''
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
''Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,'' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, ''That'll be $34.50 please.''
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ''Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?''
He replies, ''Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50"

:hope:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: CPU on July 08, 2010, 07:41:56 pm

I normally don't get involved in these as this is your forum but this one tickled my sense of humour and I had to share......... as I can relate. :giggle:

"Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop. We were only in
there for about 5 minutes. When we came out,
there was a warden writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.

So Mary called him a sh#t head. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home. We try to have a little fun each day
now that we're retired. It's important at our age."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: boss 427 on July 13, 2010, 10:33:08 am

DINGO DRONGO

The Australian Government and the
NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep
farmers for controlling the dingo population.

It seems that after years of the
sheep farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or
trapping the predators, the Labor Government (Peter Garrett -
Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens
tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.

What they proposed was for the
animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let
loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the
NSW Sheep farmers Association and Farming Association by the Federal
Government and the NSW Forestry Service.

All of the sheep farmers thought
about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the
old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat
back and said, ?Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our
problem. Those dingo?s ain't f---in' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em.'

You should have been there to hear
the roar of laughter as Mr Peter Garrett and the members of the
NSW Forestry Service , the Greens and the other "tree
huggers" left the meeting very "sheepishly".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ponyride on July 13, 2010, 10:38:54 am

That's a crack up.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: tim_morrison82 on July 13, 2010, 12:50:30 pm

That is great! thanks!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 68pony on July 13, 2010, 01:16:13 pm

Quote from: boss 427 link=topic=11390.msg119770#msg119770

Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our
problem. Those dingo?s ain't f---in' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em.'

:rol::rol: Now
(http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t200/68pony/TGOLD-2.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HAPPY ONE on July 13, 2010, 04:22:04 pm

Hey it could have been worst,

He could have come out and said they wanted to start up a safe sex program by distributing condoms for dingo’s and have the failed insulation companies distribute them on a case by case basis!!

Or

Introduce a dingo dietary program – so that they only eat sheep on Wednesdays and Sundays only

EITHER WAY IT WOULD BE THE SAME RESULT!!

:rol::rol::rol::smile01::smile01:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on July 13, 2010, 09:30:28 pm

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews

And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

In a chair .. . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

Quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't

Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

After another. They heard screaming, crashing,

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

Beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 17, 2010, 12:40:12 pm

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?
No, the cook said. Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
Oh, OK! said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, What are the beans for, Blondie?

She replied, I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 18, 2010, 08:09:54 pm

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs . . . enough times till her husband says...
"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that. . . I thought you were sitting on the cat.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 20, 2010, 04:58:49 pm

A man walks into a chemist and asks “Where are the tampons?”? The assistant says “over there mate”.
The man returns with cotton balls and toilet paper. “I thought she wanted tampons” the chemist says.
“She did but last week when I asked her to pick up some smokes she bought home a bag of tobacco. Let’s see if she likes rolling her f******* own”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on July 21, 2010, 12:00:19 am

New gardener starts at the mental hospital.
Wanders down the yard and there's a chap waving a cricket bat.
Who are you ? "I'm Ricky Ponting hitting 100 runs at the MCG"
Next he sees a chap swinging a golf club.
What's your story ? "I'm Tiger Woods winning the US Open"
In the far corner of the yard there's a chap sitting down rubbing two coconuts up and down a huge erection.
Well what the hell are you up to.............
"Easy mate, I'm f***ing nuts, that's why I'm in here".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 23, 2010, 10:35:11 pm

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the tr ees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says,

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts ... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 26, 2010, 12:23:38 am

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned somethingabout his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriendentwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on July 27, 2010, 09:42:47 pm

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The lady of the house was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
'Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 28, 2010, 06:52:49 pm

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old Mustang. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal.""That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your worn out Mustang."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your Muzzy?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

:cool:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 30, 2010, 08:52:07 pm

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is LAW.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe... Then, you will massage my feet and hands after you wash the Mustang.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and do my hair?'

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, 'The frickin' funeral director would be my first guess.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 01, 2010, 07:55:12 pm

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Luv Ya, MAMA

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on August 01, 2010, 08:22:05 pm

Parvinder and Habib are street beggars. They beg in
different areas of Darwin

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects $2
to $3 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives
a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to
spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as
you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every
day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get $2- $3.'

Habib says, 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign.

It reads, 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan '.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: IGALOP on August 01, 2010, 08:37:25 pm

A man was invited over to an old buddies' house for dinner.

This buddy continually referred to his wife as sweety, lover, darling, princess, pumpkin, angel face and so on.

When asked by the visitor why after nearly 60 years of marriage, he still called his wife by all of these "friendly" terms he replied ;

"To be honest , I forgot her real name about ten years ago"!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on August 03, 2010, 02:54:30 pm

Chap pops into a shop for some bathroom supplies.

Girl behind the counter....... "do you want one of these ball type deodorants"

"Nah, just an under-arm one thanks".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 03, 2010, 09:52:27 pm

A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says, "Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass."

The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin,"You know, you're right!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on August 04, 2010, 12:12:03 pm

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers.
I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father’s day.

Got my wife an iRon for her birthday. It was around then the fight started......

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 05, 2010, 08:34:11 pm

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 07, 2010, 10:06:20 pm

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking
Vegas hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright.. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up.."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.

Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

No," the hooker replies, "but I would...... If I had a pussy."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 08, 2010, 10:48:02 pm

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship. "First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them? "

His wise father replied,

"Because they taste better without the sh1t inside them!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on August 09, 2010, 12:50:18 pm

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One passenger yelled...

'For f*#k's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 09, 2010, 01:46:09 pm

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
*This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner or a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
*Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
*This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
*You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

:cry:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on August 12, 2010, 10:44:34 am

Anyone ever tied two ropes together hands off, just using the power of the brain ?. :shrug:

Hmmmm, thought knot.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 12, 2010, 06:54:37 pm

AVIATION RULES AND REMINDERS

* Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling the stick back...then they get bigger again.

* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

* The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

* Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

* Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

* The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain.

* It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

* A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

* Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fire hydrant what it thinks about dogs.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on August 12, 2010, 10:31:16 pm

Where do women have the curliest hair ? :huh:

:nono: Fiji.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on August 14, 2010, 10:54:24 am

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whorres than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your friggin plane!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!

I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy... "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arsse if you get a dodgy one!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 14, 2010, 07:36:08 pm

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE ."Is this your wife?" the Lord asked..

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jolie, You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

"WE ARE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!!!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on August 17, 2010, 09:06:36 pm

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the MCG in
front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one
little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild
with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep
into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Gillard replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your
hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the b..ch

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on August 17, 2010, 09:08:20 pm

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully on August 21, the bells are not always audible.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 17, 2010, 09:13:03 pm

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down here? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up and said to the Marine, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b1tch out the window."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: chopmgw on August 19, 2010, 08:11:53 pm

Did u hear about the bloke who walked into the hospital emergency department with 6 toy horses stuck up his bum ?
His condition is described as stable !

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on August 19, 2010, 08:40:35 pm

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of Harrod's
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?'
asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,'
said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour
and material imaginable ...
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked
about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple. ..

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 21, 2010, 02:14:15 pm

A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road. He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job. He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started
After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift. He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress.
On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road. Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.
On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road. He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem, "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road." "Can I ask you, what is the problem?"
"Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 24, 2010, 04:55:09 pm

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the seeds called in sick.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on August 25, 2010, 11:12:24 pm

How many Spaniards are needed to change a light globe ?

Just Juan.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: IGALOP on August 26, 2010, 06:30:50 pm

What did the cannibal say when he got home and saw his wife chopping up a python, that had eaten a pigmy?
Oh no, not snake and pigmy pie again!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 26, 2010, 08:47:15 pm

A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on August 26, 2010, 09:51:33 pm

A mate of mine has started a business manufacturing anti personnell mines that look like prayer rugs...

He says prophets are going through the roof

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 27, 2010, 10:28:54 pm

A Blonde goes to Heaven

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...

... you're singing it now, aren't you ??

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: IGALOP on August 27, 2010, 10:45:26 pm

What did the Blonde name her pet Zebra?
"Spot" !

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 67 GTA on August 28, 2010, 08:23:33 am

G’day,

You know it's election time when the politicians are out doing their best to demonstrate their care for little people:

A senior politician was touring the countryside near Canberra in his chauffer driven limousine when he saw 2 shabby looking men on their hands and knees in a field beside the road, eating the grass.

“That just wont do” said the polly as he instructed his driver to stop. He approached the men and asked what they were doing.

“We’re both unemployed” said one of the men, “with the high cost of living and raising our families, all we can afford to eat is this grass.”

“That’s just not good enough in My Electorate” said the politician, “come with me in my car, I want to take you both to my stately home and give you both a proper meal.”

“That’s a wonderful offer sir,” said one of the men, then pointing down the road he added “but our families are in the next field, and we can’t leave them.”

The politician looked where the man was pointing and saw the two wives and six children all in the next field, eating the grass there.

“Call them here, my limousine is big enough to carry you all, and there is plenty enough to eat at my home,” replied the politician.

When they were all in the limousine, enjoying the luxurious ride and admiring the view, one of the wives said “Sir, we are amazed at your kindness and generosity, our families have not had a decent meal for many months, since our husbands were retrenched. We do not know how to thank you.”

“Think nothing of it,” said the politician, “the grass at my place is over a foot long.”

:)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on August 28, 2010, 08:53:29 am

This poor chap had to walk the plank...........

Couldn't afford a dog.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 28, 2010, 10:13:05 pm

-You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 29, 2010, 01:03:26 pm

Two police women are out on foot patrol with their fully trained police dog.

One says " I'm getting a bit cold and I've left my thermal knickers back at the station."

The other one says " Use the dog, give him a sniff of your bits and he'll fetch them for you if you have worn them recently".

So she lets the dog have a sniff and he runs off back to the station.

Two hrs later he returns with a baton, maglite torch and 3 of the Sergeants fingers.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 10, 2010, 03:03:43 pm

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, ' Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do... And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked..
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said ' and your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: StephenSLR on September 10, 2010, 03:11:09 pm

How do you p!$$ off a female archaeologist?

Give her a used t@mp0n and ask her what period it came from.

s

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 10, 2010, 09:46:52 pm

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 14, 2010, 11:04:03 am

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on September 15, 2010, 08:05:28 am

Breaking sports news.........

India has beaten Pakistan by 5 wickets in Mumbai next Thursday.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: bob2s on September 15, 2010, 06:02:35 pm

Red Cross rang today and asked if i would like to contribute to the Pakistan floods,said i would love to but the garden hose only reaches as far as the front gate.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on September 15, 2010, 08:59:12 pm

Quote from: 66RedRagtop link=topic=1394.msg129475#msg129475

Breaking sports news.........

India has beaten Pakistan by 5 wickets in Mumbai next Thursday.

Put me down for $50 for Pakistan to loose.:smile01:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 19, 2010, 09:15:23 pm

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbour’s dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays.
The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbour’s dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.
The spinster explained the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch"

"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"

"Well" The vet replied
"IT JUST WORKED ON ME!!!"

:cry:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: GT350H on September 21, 2010, 07:38:08 am

Quote from: R_Beckhaus link=topic=1394.msg127605#msg127605

A mate of mine has started a business manufacturing anti personnell mines that look like prayer rugs...

He says prophets are going through the roof

That's a good one :thumb:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 21, 2010, 04:27:57 pm

At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team.

"Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside the lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror on their faces and hung his own head in shame.

"You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 23, 2010, 11:00:25 pm

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

:banghead:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 24, 2010, 07:44:06 pm

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: dalex on September 25, 2010, 10:25:36 am

As today is the Grand Final.....

Q. Two Collingwood supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins
A. Society.

Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.

Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as a contraceptive?
A. His personality.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Collingwood supporter?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger, for no reason what so ever.

Q. What do you call a female Collingwood supporter in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you are driving and you see a Collingwood supporter on a bike, why
should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a Collingwood supporter quiz night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two Collingwood supporters in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. Why is three Collingwood supporters going over a cliff in Lexus a shame?
A. Because a Lexus has four seats.

Q. What do you say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
A. Big Mac please.

You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:

1 A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 25, 2010, 10:29:28 am

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on September 25, 2010, 07:02:29 pm

The Divorced Barbie Doll

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/unnamed.jpg)

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on September 25, 2010, 07:08:48 pm

Oh Dear...."Why Are People So Unkind..

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/image001-3.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on September 25, 2010, 07:14:25 pm

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/ATT00255.gif)
Senior health care solution -

So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home
available for you - what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to
shoot 2 MPs and 2 illegal immigrants!

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day,
a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you
need! New teeth - no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs,
heart? All covered. (And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that
you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Pedro on September 26, 2010, 08:02:15 am

THE BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER?

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks:
'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, ‘I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says: 'A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains: 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies:
'Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says:
'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 01, 2010, 10:18:54 pm

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Aiport for New York ,
and taking his seat as he settled in , he noticed a very beautiful Woman
boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took
the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to The annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the
Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed. "I'm sorry, l do
apologise"

She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on October 04, 2010, 08:30:13 pm

THE DANGERS OF DRINKING!!! :cry:

I read an article in a magazine today that spelled out, in no uncertain terms, the dangers of drinking alcohol in all it's forms. It scared the living bejaysus out of me !!!

So, thats it for me.......

After today.........

NO MORE BLUDDY READING!

:drunk:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on October 04, 2010, 10:42:21 pm

The Value of a Drink

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin..
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole , because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on October 04, 2010, 11:03:45 pm

The Dreams of 3 Animals

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/image001-4.jpg)

2

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/image003.jpg)

> > > > And the best of all ;

3

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/image005.gif)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on October 05, 2010, 07:31:46 am

INTERESTING PIECE OF HISTORY (got this from a friend today)

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: GT350H on October 05, 2010, 08:48:36 am

Quote from: Shermatt link=topic=1394.msg130949#msg130949

INTERESTING PIECE OF HISTORY (got this from a friend today)

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

You're a sick puppy, just like me:thumb:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Envy 68 on October 12, 2010, 12:39:54 pm

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on October 12, 2010, 02:53:07 pm

This guy develops a terrible flatulence problem.

Just can't stop farting all day and all night no matter what.

Goes to the Doc who says drop your trousers and we'll check.

Doc leaves then returns with a long pole with a big hook on the end.

Patient is very alarmed and says "whoa there, what are you doing with that"

Doc - "Opening the windows".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 19, 2010, 04:26:23 pm

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on October 19, 2010, 09:33:42 pm

Quote from: Macka link=topic=1394.msg132147#msg132147

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

'cause he can control the mother-in-law!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on October 20, 2010, 04:13:22 pm

NO SPEAK AH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops at Leichardt and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted indignantly. 'In Australia, we don't speak aloud in
public places about our sex lives!'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Whosa talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
' Mississippi '.

Bet you're gonna read this again

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on October 22, 2010, 01:01:36 pm

A farmer drops into his neighbour for a chat.

Bit shocked to find him in the shed with loud rock music on and stripping off in front of a Massey Ferguson.

The completely puzzled neighbour asks what's going on.

"Well lately I haven't been getting on too well with the missus..........

Marriage counsellor insisted I do something sexy to a tractor"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Pedro on November 03, 2010, 06:27:55 pm

Julia Gillard met with the Queen in England. She asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Julia frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send the PM in here, would you?"
David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David, your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Julia went back home to Australia and asked Wayne Swan, her Deputy Prime Minister the same question. “Wayne, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Wayne. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Tony Abbott's shoes in the next stall.
Wayne asked, "Tony, can you answer this for me? Your mother and Father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Tony yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Wayne smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Julia.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Tony Abbott"

Julia got up, stomped over to Swan, and angrily yelled into his face, "No, you idiot! It's the English Prime Minister, David Cameron!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jusTANG on November 11, 2010, 08:18:46 am

Why are women like clouds?
Eventually they f*ck off and its a really nice day.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on November 11, 2010, 10:25:36 am

Two elderly nuns are sitting on a park bench.

Along comes a streaker.

First nun has a stroke........

Second one couldn't quite reach.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: bob2s on November 12, 2010, 08:38:00 am

UK Maths Past and Present

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20
profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state
for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a
loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry
however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put
it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as
bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: soc123_au on November 13, 2010, 10:48:04 am

A couple decide their marriage is in a bit of strife so they go & see a counciler. They go in & the counciler asks them what they have in common, after an awkward silence the husband pipes up & says "neither of us give head" it didnt end well.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 13, 2010, 07:29:33 pm

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a ####-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on November 16, 2010, 01:48:50 am

Why Australia is in Trouble

The population of this country is 23 million

10 million are retired

That leaves 13 million to do the work

There are 8 million in school

Leaving 5 million to do the work

Of these, 2.7 million are “employed” by the federal government

So there’re only 2.3 million to do the work

400,000 are in the armed forces, busy trying to catch Osama Bin-Laden

Which leaves 1.9 million to do the work

Take from that total the 1.5 million people who “work” for state and city governments

Just 0.4 million left to do the work

At any given time there are 18,800 people in hospitals

Leaving 381,200 to do the work

Currently we have 380,198 people in prisons

That leaves just two people to do the work

You and me

And there you are

Sitting on your friggen arse

At the computer, reading jokes

Nice….. Real nice

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 16, 2010, 06:45:04 pm

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old Mustang parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his Mustang in front of Mildred's house ... walked home .... and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)

:smile01:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on November 16, 2010, 09:13:16 pm

I was just laying on the sofa this evening and my mrs started with the multi tasking garble....Women can do this and that at the same time women can do BLA BLA BLA on she went, later that evening I was talking it up for a bit whe I got the "Ive a headache" line.
As I was laying in bed feeling a little frustrated I mumbled "if women are so bloody good at multi tasking why cant you have a headache and SEX at the same Time?"
Gee the sofa is uncomfortable! LUVHEV

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 20, 2010, 12:08:22 pm

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an
electric fence.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: CPU on November 20, 2010, 12:15:04 pm

Quote from: Macka link=topic=1394.msg134716#msg134716

........ 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an
electric fence.'

:rol: :rol: :rol:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: bob2s on November 21, 2010, 04:50:01 pm

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'f*ck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on November 29, 2010, 06:42:40 pm

For all of you in education,
with sons, grandsons,
or who just love the things little kids say ~
a reminder that adult words
are often taken literally.......

A teacher noticed that a little boy
at the back of the class

was squirming around, scratching his crotch,
and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered
that he had just recently been circumcised
and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down
to the principal's office.

He was told to telephone his mother
and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly,
there was a commotion
at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate
only to find him sitting at his desk
with his 'private part' hanging out.

she said

'I thought I told you to call your mum!'
'I did,' he said,

'And she told me

that if I could stick it out until lunchtime,
she'd come and pick me up from school.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on December 12, 2010, 12:11:09 pm

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on January 02, 2011, 09:52:48 pm

Sometimes men just can't win.

A polite young chap is trying to hold the door open for a lady.

She responds with.......

"Flick off will ya, I'm trying to take a crap"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 03, 2011, 10:05:33 am

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on January 06, 2011, 10:56:58 am

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: danpony66 on January 06, 2011, 03:24:54 pm

Everyone may have heard this but I was just sent it and it make me laugh:

Two Blondes and a Mustang

There were two blondes, and they had just come from a store.

The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stopped to rest for a second.

When she sat down, her friend said, “Hurry up, it’s starting to rain and the tops down!”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: IGALOP on January 06, 2011, 03:40:57 pm

A man pulled up at the lights next to a beautiful blonde in a hot sounding Mustang.
He asked her how many horses she had under the bonnet.
She replied she only had 3................one on either side of the front fenders and one on the grill.:giggle:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on January 09, 2011, 02:48:03 pm

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited
at a party. After several drinks, one of the men
had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the
bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration
and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president
of the company.
He became so rich that he gave his best friend
a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my
pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went
to flight school to become a pilot.
Eventually he became a partnerin the company, where he owns the majority of its
assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave
away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for
his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the
congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking
about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What
about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living
dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a
disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I
love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was
two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square
foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his
three boyfriends."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: AllThingsRunning on January 11, 2011, 02:45:43 am

What's long brown and floats in water?

A log..

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: AllThingsRunning on January 11, 2011, 03:31:58 am

A man walks into a bar.

what.. nothing else to say, poor b@st@rd's hit the concrete after the bar, should have told him to open his eyes.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: AllThingsRunning on January 11, 2011, 03:34:04 am

A blonde walks up to a guy in a bar and stares at him intuitively...

After a little while the guy notices and looks at the blonde and says "how's it going, whatcha doin'?"

She replies.. "Looking at the massive spider that just left two fang marks in your skull"

The man passed out.. that blonde needed to brush her teeth.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on January 11, 2011, 12:49:41 pm

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on January 13, 2011, 09:05:55 am

Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment for Sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?’

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on January 17, 2011, 06:36:22 am

A New Zealand man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover; and one of them is beeping the horn.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on January 17, 2011, 10:41:14 pm

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic drag queen.......

All he wanted in life was to eat, drink and be Mary.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jas24zzk on January 18, 2011, 09:10:15 am

How do you know your garden has aids?
all your pansies die

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on January 19, 2011, 11:11:36 pm

Freddy's car conks and he hasn't got his phone, so he legs it for help.

Woman steps out of the shadows and says 40 bucks.

Freddy takes the offer and they dive into the bushes.

Along comes a cop and asks what they are up to.

Freddy quickly blurts out that he's just making love to his wife.

Oh, sorry says the cop, I didn't realise.

Neither did I says Freddy, til you shone your torch in.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on January 26, 2011, 12:23:45 am

> Confused Arab
>
> A young Arab asks his father ;
>
> - "Father, what is this weird headgear we are wearing ?"
>
> - "Why,... it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads
> from the sun" said the father.
>
> - "And what is this type of clothes that we are wearing ?"
> - "It's a "djbellah" because in the hot desert it protects our body"
> said the father.
>
> - "And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?"
> - "These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the
> hot desert, son" explained the father.
>
> - "Tell me papa."
> - "Yes, my son ?"
>
> - "Then, why the f**k do we live in Australia...????"
>

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on January 26, 2011, 07:11:08 pm

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a doctor.

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure...'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Aha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on January 29, 2011, 04:40:17 pm

A RARE OCCURRENCE.
There was a knock on the front door this morning,
I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said,
"I'm a J=hovi's witness".
I said, "Come in and sit down."
"Now what do you want to talk about"?
He said, "Stuffed” if I know I've never got this far before".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on February 04, 2011, 09:42:34 am

Waited 2 hours for the missus yesterday outside the beauty parlour............

That was just for the quote.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: red066 on February 04, 2011, 10:51:38 pm

Wifes been missing for three weeks now , police have told me to prepare myself for the worst !
So i went back down to the Salvos and got her cloths back

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: FST68 on February 08, 2011, 11:39:22 am

All men are conned into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.
Only problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves.......
But the f**king Maniac stays put!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on February 10, 2011, 11:16:21 am

Teacher to young pupil in church school.......................

Johnnie, be truthful now - do you say your prayers before eating ?.

"Nah, mum's a good cook".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on February 14, 2011, 01:24:59 am

Latest news from Egypt:

نور ا ر رفت سايه يدا نيست نور ا ر رفت سايه يدا نيست نور نيست يدا نيست نور ا ر رفت سايه يدا نيست نور يدا نيست نور ا ر رفت سايه يدا نيست نور يدا نيست نور ا ر رفت سايه يدا نيست نور يدا نيست نور ا ر رفت سايه يدا نيست نور يدا نيست نور ا ر رفت سايه يدا نيست نور يدا نيست نور ا ر رفت سايه يدا نيست نور يدا نيست نور ا ر رفت سايه يدا نيست نور

Hectic stuff !
I will keep you all informed.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 65GTK on February 16, 2011, 11:02:58 pm

Ivan Milat and a backpacker were walking through the bush late one stormy
night. The backpacker looks at Ivan and says "Its dark and i'm scared" Ivan
looks at her and says "Your scared! I have to walk back through here alone!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on February 17, 2011, 10:19:29 am

Why do farts stink. :cry:

So deaf people also get a chance to escape. :bolt:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on February 24, 2011, 07:37:43 pm

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer,
then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Australians drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, Australians get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be an Australian!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on March 03, 2011, 11:56:59 am

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/3952fa74.gif)

A Valentine Love Story

I use to be like this then...
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/1.jpg)

I met a girl!
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/2.jpg)

She was like this...
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/3.jpg)

Together, we were like this...
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/4.jpg)

I gave her gifts like this...
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/5.jpg)

When she accepted my proposal, I was like this...
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/6.jpg)

I used to talk to her all night like this...
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/7.jpg)

And at the office I used to do this...
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/8.jpg)

When my friends saw my girlfriend they stared like this...
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/9.jpg)

And I used to react like this...
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/10.jpg)

But on Valentines Day, she received
a red rose from someone else like this...
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/11.jpg)

And she was like this...
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/12.jpg)

And I was like this...
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/13.jpg)

Which later led to this...
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/14.jpg)

I felt like doing this...
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/15.jpg)

I started doing this...
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/16.jpg)

G I R L S !
(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/16.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on March 08, 2011, 12:09:04 am

I was in Woollies the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy.....

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Older guys are helpful like that.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on March 17, 2011, 12:23:50 am

How do NZ'ers have safe sex ?.

Mark an X on sheep that kick.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: GT350H on March 17, 2011, 07:33:58 am

Quote from: R_Beckhaus link=topic=1394.msg142648#msg142648

I was in Woollies the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy.....

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Older guys are helpful like that.

:cheers:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on March 17, 2011, 10:51:50 pm

Young shark goes out with the old man looking for a feed.

Asks his Dad "why do you circle people before going in for the kill ?."

"Taste better if you scare the sh*t out of them".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: CPU on April 09, 2011, 01:11:25 pm

A well known heart surgeon is getting the motor in his mercedes 500SL sports rebuilt at a local shop.

The mechanic has a think about things, and asks "Doc what do you charge to fix someone hearts?"

The Doac says "Well quite a bit"

The Mechanic comments, "Well, I do the same thing with your cars engine as you do with people's hearts, and I think I should be paid more."

The Doctor says "I agree, and I will pay you considerably more, in fact the same I get for fixing someones heart, on one small condition..."

"What would that be?" asks the mechanic

"Rebuild the motor while it is running"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mwizz on April 11, 2011, 06:10:25 pm

Four blokes spend weeks planning the perfect camping and fishing trip to a remote and disconnected spot.
Two days before they are due to leave, Dave's wife puts her foot down and tells him he's not going!
His mates are naturally pissed off that he can't go, but what can they do, the remaining three decide to push on.

Two days later the three fellas arrive at the remote campsite to find Dave sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, beer open and fish cooking on the fire.
Steve says: “Dammit man, how long have you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
Dave says: “Actually, I've been here since last night.”

Dave continues: “Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said "Guess who?" "
“I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over it. On the bed were handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did.''

“And then she said to me”: “Now do whatever you want Dave!”

“So here I am fellas!”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on April 12, 2011, 11:29:38 am

Each Time It Stops Just click Play To See The Very Clever End You Will See Why

Happy viewing. :drool: Click on the link below.

http://www.worktobejudged.com/strippause/peca.html

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on April 14, 2011, 11:02:28 am

Little Tottie goes in with her Dad for his haircut.

She's standing beside him eating a cake.

Barber says "sweetheart, you'll get hair all over your muffin"

Grinning she replies .......

"I know, and I'm going to get tits as well".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 14, 2011, 07:16:16 pm

There are three kinds of men:

The ones who learn by reading and the ones who learn by observation.

The rest of them, have to pee on the electric fence to find out for themselves.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on April 15, 2011, 08:26:22 pm

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on April 15, 2011, 08:27:06 pm

Honey

An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'.

The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 65GTK on April 16, 2011, 09:49:12 pm

A man comes home and shouts "Honey pack your bags I
hit the lottery!!! she says "OMG what should i pack?"
He says "Everything....GET OUT BITCH!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 30, 2011, 05:44:06 pm

A man was stopped at a red light when a fantastic looking blonde pulled up beside him in a really hot Mustang convertible.

Trying to start a conversation, the man asked, "Hey,..... how many horses you got under the hood?"

The blonde looked at the man bewildered, and replied, "Well,.... there's one on the left side, one on the right side, ....... and oh yeah, there's one on that little front thingy."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: IGALOP on April 30, 2011, 06:00:29 pm

A blonde phones a mobile mechanic to tell him that her immaculate 60's Corvette has broken down.
He arrives and after 10 minutes has it purring like a kitten.
She asked what the problem was and he said, just "crap" in the carby.
She replies, do I have to do that every time I fill it up?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 01, 2011, 09:24:21 pm

Q: Know why the British don't make computers?
A: They couldn't figure out how to make them leak oil!
-Bill Hancock

Q: What do you call an MG with dual exhaust?
A: A Wheelbarrow!
-Philip Payne

Q: How do you double the value of a Triumph?
A: Fill it up with gas!
-Paul Helsby

Q: What's the difference between a classic Jag owner and a classic Triumph owner?
A: The Jag owner washes his hands AFTER he's been for a pee, and the Triumph owner...
- Richard Gosling

Q: Why do the British drink warm beer?
A: Because the all have Lucus refrigerators. It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
-name withheld by request

Q: What are the two questions you hear most from the passenger in your MGBGT?
A: 1. Is it HOT in here?
2. Do you smell gas?
- Sir Drives-A-lot

Q: When does a man open the door of the car for his wife?
A.When he has a new car.
B.When he has a new wife.

Webster's definition of Corvette: A Spitfire on steroids.
-Russ Thomas

Little Billy and his Dad were down at the autocross watching the Spitfires zipping through the cones.
Little Billy looks up to his Dad and says, "Dad, when I grow up, I want to be a Spitfire driver."
His Dad looks down at him and says, "You can't do both, son."
- Ree G.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of owning a British car, but want to know what it's like: Next big rainstorm, wait till dark, roll down all windows, leave off lights & heater & wipers and go for a drive. Stop at every intersection and throw out a twenty dollar bill. It's not exactly the same, but it's real close.
- Mike Nash

I pulled into a garage with my newly purchased 1500 Spitty and politly asked "Have you got a windscreen wiper blade for my Spit"
The cheeky git replied"sounds like a good deal to me mate.
- Kevin Cox

An GT6 pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light.
"Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the man in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," was the haughty reply.
"Do you have a fax machine?"
The Rolls driver sighed. "I have that too."
"Do you have a double bed in the back?" the GT6 driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.
That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.
A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same GT6, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the GT6's rear window. "I want you to know that I've had a double bed installed," bragged the Rolls driver.
The GT6 driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

My husband phoned me the other day and proceeded to tell me he had purchased a new car for me. Well I was not thrilled I wanted the new 4 door SUV. What kind is it I asked..... a Triumph Spitfire a BRITISH car.... I've always wanted one he exclaimed! Well I knew nothing of these British cars. I love Coronation Street does that help? No?
Well, family told me to be greatful, he only bought it because he's going through a MID LIFE CRISIS. "They either buy sports cars or trade the wife in for a slimmer newer model." He got BOTH. We've had the car now 4 days and I'm slimmer already...I've had to push it home everytime we go out!
-Kimberlie Milner

A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened. A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carbuerator to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.
Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked. The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie." The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carbuerator to me.'" The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars."
-Sue Hunneybell

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 07, 2011, 04:35:19 pm

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar dressed in a Mustang T shirt just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my Mustang, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away without me."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 07, 2011, 04:39:18 pm

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was a copper: all he wanted to do was look into it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on May 13, 2011, 07:49:06 pm

Male life cycle....

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything Was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
Suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally Predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
Decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She Rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad
Impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun Initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a
girl with Some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the Ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
Everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 17, 2011, 07:02:52 pm

Three mechanics were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first mechanic finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of moisture on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two, he says, "At Jeep, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second mechanic finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Chevrolet, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third mechanic wearing a Mustang T shirt finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "At Ford, we don't pee on our hands."

:smile01:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on May 18, 2011, 10:45:19 pm

The wife's been missing for over a week.

Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I went to Vinnies and got her clothes back. :twist:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on May 18, 2011, 11:42:29 pm

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference
between the two word 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. . but there is:

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 20, 2011, 11:22:48 pm

Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 23, 2011, 11:29:46 pm

Two nuns are driving down a road when the devil appears, standing on the bonnet.

One turns to the other and says, "How do we get rid of him?"

The other nun says, "Just show him your cross."

The first nun winds down the window, sticks her head out and says, "Get off my fuggin' bonnet, i'm not happy."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 25, 2011, 03:50:20 pm

> A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
> She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered
> a bee sting.
>
> Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse
> for help and to complain.
>
> Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you
> back in so early? What's wrong?'
>
> 'I was stung by a bee,' she said.
>
> 'Where,' he asked.
>
> 'Between the first and second hole,' she replied.
>
> He nodded knowingly and said, 'Your stance is too wide.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 67fasty.sm on May 29, 2011, 07:46:52 pm

What do you call a nun wandering the streets ?

A - a roaming Catholic

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 67fasty.sm on May 29, 2011, 07:47:35 pm

Why do Elephants drink ?

A - to forget !

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mach70 on June 02, 2011, 10:52:14 pm

Who the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife says, Where the hell have you been?

Larry replies: I was out getting a tattoo!

A tattoo? she frowned. What kind of tattoo did you get?

I got a hundred dollar bill on my junk, he said proudly.

What the hell were you thinking? She said, shaking her head in disgust.
Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?

Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 06, 2011, 05:16:58 pm

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way. The priest getting impatient said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 06, 2011, 05:18:04 pm

A guy goes into a bar and orders a double bourbon..Drinks that one down and quickly orders another....finishes that one and promptly orders a 3rd.

The bartender says... "Hey buddy...you're obviously trying to get drunk...have a bad day or what?"

Guy says: "Bad Day? yeah...I just caught my best friend doing my wife!"

Bartender asked "well what'd ya do?"

Guys says "Yelled at my wife...told her to pack her bags and get the hell out!"

Bartender says " So what did you say to your best friend?"

I told him "Bad Dog!!...BAAAD DOG!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on June 07, 2011, 09:05:23 am

A young Chinese couple get married.

She's a virgin & they are both waiters.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask.

Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls .... Nummaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

-

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd1 on June 07, 2011, 10:49:43 am

A guy goes into a bar and orders a double bourbon..Drinks that one down and quickly orders another....finishes that one and promptly orders a 3rd.

The bartender says... "Hey buddy...you're obviously trying to get drunk...have a bad day or what?"

The guy says "I had my first b!0wj08 today"

There bartender says "Congratulations, let me shout you another drink".

The guy says "Dont bother, If 3 drinks didnt get the taste out of my mouth, another wont help."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 07, 2011, 12:47:02 pm

PEANUTS

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " why they don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.
__________________

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on June 09, 2011, 11:57:07 pm

________________________________________
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray !!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 18, 2011, 04:09:14 pm

I got a phone call from a friend last night.

He had just got back from a day out in Melbourne and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top of the range, Japanese camera absolutely free.

I asked, ''Where did you get that?''
He said, ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was looking at the Opera House and was just passing the time of day with them.

After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his camera.

They lined up as a group and were all smiling at the camera.

Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them, 'WAVE!' and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!''

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on June 19, 2011, 12:23:42 am

THE GOLFING NUN........

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f****ing putt, didn't you?'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on June 19, 2011, 10:21:35 pm

THE TAXMAN COMETH

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi................

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 21, 2011, 12:13:59 pm

THE GUNFIGHTER

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will'

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy.

'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man.

'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here.

Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.

'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your aRrrrrrrrrrrrrr's, and it won't hurt as much.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 26, 2011, 04:18:12 pm

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child, he said. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday; it is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me, under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer was strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.

Next!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on June 28, 2011, 07:30:28 pm

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'them, put 'them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..."Try doing it with the engine running."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: red066 on July 02, 2011, 01:27:19 pm

I couldnt find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes , so i asked the kids if they had seen it . Apparently she left me yesterday .

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: GT350H on July 03, 2011, 09:17:34 am

Quote from: red066 link=topic=1394.msg151035#msg151035

I couldnt find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes , so i asked the kids if they had seen it . Apparently she left me yesterday .

:smile01::smile02::lol:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: red066 on July 03, 2011, 09:01:22 pm

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him naked , dancing around and playing with himself in front of a tractor . Mick says "HELL Paddy what ya doin". Paddy says well me and the missus havent been gettin it on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended i do something sexy to attractor

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 06, 2011, 01:47:36 pm

A Bunning's Story !

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Bunnings and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the nice young man to finish
serving a customer, Her eye caught a beautiful bathroom vanity tap set...

When the man was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that vanity set?

The young assistant manager replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price
is $500.00."

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is very expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Lady, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the vanity set."

This is why you can't send a woman to Bunnings!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 06, 2011, 01:55:33 pm

John is in hospital room 232...

OK, you are asking who in the hell is 'john'. John gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

John replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?' She said, shaking her head in
disgust. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

"Well, One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money . Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

John is now recovering in Room 232 at the Hospital!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: red066 on July 07, 2011, 01:19:35 pm

WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 07, 2011, 09:09:49 pm

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Go shopping with her
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked.
Bring Pizza & Beer

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 07, 2011, 09:10:55 pm

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

About twenty to thirty kilos!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 07, 2011, 09:11:55 pm

For the girls..

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

About twenty to thirty minutes!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 07, 2011, 09:15:41 pm

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under your Mustang's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A competitive source of entertainment, self-___expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest ___expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on July 09, 2011, 11:28:05 pm

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!
They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
That'll teach'm to be dropouts!
***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 18, 2011, 12:44:50 pm

A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 18, 2011, 12:45:27 pm

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 18, 2011, 12:45:55 pm

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair”??
The answer I should have given was “Fiji”

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 18, 2011, 01:12:13 pm

Just got kicked out of a quiz night at the pub.........Question was... "What is the meaning of the word Niggling"
Apparently it's not a small black baby!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 18, 2011, 01:14:26 pm

Someone asked me the other day "Whats your pet hate?"
I said it doesn't really like things shoved up it's ar*e

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 19, 2011, 11:12:47 am

A nurse at a psych hospital in Brisbane was doing her rounds. She entered Gary's room & he was sitting in his chair changing gears & steering in his own little trucking world. She ask's where you off to today?. He says just comin in to Melbourne. Ok she says & keeps on going with her rounds. When she walks into Deans room he's having a wa*k. She says to him Dean what the hell do you think your doing!. He says shhh I m r**tin Gary's missus while he's in Melbourne.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 20, 2011, 03:22:21 pm

A cowboy & his wife had just got married & found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk & asked for a room.

He said were on our honeymoon & we need a nice room with a strong bed.

The clerk winked , 'You want the "Bridal "

Nope I reckon not. Ill just hold onto her ears till she gets used to it.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 21, 2011, 03:54:09 pm

I told my new girlfriend I had an OLD FELLA like a computer!

She thought it was because it had loads of Ram & a Hard drive.....

The surprise was when she found out it was full of Viruses!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: red066 on July 21, 2011, 04:06:52 pm

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie
He decides to try it out at dinner time "son where were you today ? "son says "at school dad " robot slaps the son
"ok i watched dvd at a mates " , "what dvd ? " "toy story " robot slaps the son again ! " ok it was a ####o " says the boy
" What when i was your age i didnt know what #### was " says the dad , Robot slaps the dad ! , Mum laughs HaHaHa
"Hes certainly your son " robot slaps the mum !

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 21, 2011, 04:25:51 pm

The Police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said is this your wife sir.

Shocked I said yes.

They said I am afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus.

I said I know but she has a lovely personality & she is really good with the kids!. :smile01:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 22, 2011, 09:15:11 am

I went down to the local Weight Watchers last night, opened a pack of Maltesers & threw them on the floor........

Funniest game of HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS I ever seen..

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on July 22, 2011, 12:40:02 pm

In case you need a laugh : Remember it takes a university degree to fly a plane,

but only a TAFE diploma to fix one

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "Gripe Sheet"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems : document their repairs on the form , and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way , Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a fatal accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre

P: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit
S; Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back order

P:Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF Mode
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P:Suspect crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny ............(I love this one !!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up , fly right and be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel, Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
S: Took hammer away from midget

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 22, 2011, 12:51:13 pm

The Pope & Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the MCG in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Ms. Gillard & said,

" Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?. This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts & they will forever speak of this day & rejoice!"

Gillard replied I seriously doubt that. Show me!

So the Pope backhanded the Bit*h

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 22, 2011, 05:16:21 pm

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his foot and said "F*ck me".

What happened next will haunt me forever...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 22, 2011, 07:34:29 pm

Tricked Him

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.

She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.

The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."

The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.

After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.

Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.

He told her to climb again and she did.

when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 23, 2011, 09:06:33 am

I started the new Alcohol Diet.......it's great I lost 3 days in the first week!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 25, 2011, 08:40:38 pm

A guy walked into the local Social Security office to pick up his cheque.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing benefits. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in either his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL or his '68 Mustang Fastback, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it ".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 25, 2011, 08:43:09 pm

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra ..

Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Wayne Swan and Bob Brown.
They're asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about Five Litres.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 25, 2011, 08:44:15 pm

Last Tuesday Australian Foreign Minister Rudd got out of a Commonwealth car in front of Parliament House.

He was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Federal Police guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, Sir."

Rudd replied: "These are not just pigs. These are authentic Australian wild bush pigs. I got one for the Treasurer, Wayne Swann, and I got one for Prime Minister Gillard."

The squared-away Federal Police officer again snapped to attention, saluted and said, "Excellent trade, Sir. "

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on July 26, 2011, 12:19:46 am

The Beer Prayer

Our Lager

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk,

(I will be drunk)

At home as I am in the tavern,

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us for our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us,

And lead us not to incarceration

But deliver us from hangovers,

For thine is the beer,

The bitter and the lager

Forever and ever,

Barmen

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: GT350H on July 27, 2011, 07:31:55 am

Quote from: Macka link=topic=1394.msg152969#msg152969

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra ..

Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Wayne Swan and Bob Brown.
They're asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about Five Litres.'

:rol::rol::rol:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 27, 2011, 11:49:06 am

7 Englishmen & an Irishman are standing in a rape line up.

The victim walks in, Paddy steps forward and shouts

" Thats her, The ungratefull Bit*h".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on July 28, 2011, 11:50:22 pm

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or
just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman,
Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry
Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with
the most exciting innovation in the auto industry
since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out
to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was
about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner,
and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them
back to the office, where he offered them $3 million
for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle
for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by
having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on
the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-
Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put
the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their
first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

I can hear your groans from here. Control your-
self!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 29, 2011, 05:03:21 pm

Whats the difference between ET & a refugee?.

ET looked better, smelt better, learn't english, didn't claim benefits
had is own bike & wanted to go home

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 30, 2011, 11:28:43 am

The 100 m final at the 2012 Olympics will be just like any other Friday night in London.

You'll hear a Gunshot, followed by 8 Black fella's legging it!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 30, 2011, 08:14:26 pm

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?

Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on July 31, 2011, 03:12:21 pm

This is an ADULT FAIRY TALE

One day, long, long ago,
there lived a woman who
did not whine, moan or bitch.

But it was a long time ago,
and it was just that one day.
the end

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: red066 on July 31, 2011, 07:48:57 pm

McDonalds have released the Amy Winehouse McValue meal , Just Coke and Ice

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: red066 on July 31, 2011, 07:51:25 pm

Rupert Murdoch has said he is touched by some of the messages friends and family have left on Amy Winehouse's phone

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: red066 on July 31, 2011, 07:54:07 pm

All these musicans dying at 27 Jim Morrison , Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse , Janis Joplin , and still 10 more bloody years of Justin Bieber

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on August 02, 2011, 11:03:48 pm

Irish Mirror

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life,
an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on
the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there
and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found
the
mirror.......................................................................
....................

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's runnin' around with.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on August 09, 2011, 06:12:54 am

Men are just happier people...

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, D!ckhead and Sh!t for Brains.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams..

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on August 13, 2011, 01:42:00 pm

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on August 18, 2011, 01:36:50 pm

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mussy65 on August 19, 2011, 11:25:13 pm

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband and she says,

"I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you."
...
Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mussy65 on August 19, 2011, 11:29:12 pm

One hot February day we found an old straggly cat at the door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down..

We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

She had no name so we named her Pussycat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband, [the complainer] said: "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."

My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband El-cheap-O.

My husband calls him El-Take-O. They love to hate each other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jiffy on August 23, 2011, 11:59:32 am

A friend of mine just opened up a store in Iraq. He makes land mines that look like prayer mats.

He said he's doing well - apparently prophets are going through the roof...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on August 24, 2011, 12:57:41 pm

Hear the Greek crisis is worsening - they've stopped production of Hummus and Taramasalata.

Looks like a double dip recession.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: gt350 coupe clone on August 24, 2011, 01:44:50 pm

Two old ladies were sitting in the park
contemplating the end of their exciting days
"things are just so boring now"
said one
"I know I will strip off and streak that event over there"
"ok I dare you"
the grandma stripped down and streaked stright through the event"
her friend waitted and heard an awemighty cheer !
The grandma returned with a trophy in toe
"what was the event ?" "and what is that trpophy for?"
"it was a flower show, I won best dried arrangement !"

:smile01:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on August 24, 2011, 08:03:40 pm

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... Flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jiffy on September 08, 2011, 11:12:13 am

My friend just spent $50 on ebay for a Penis Enlarger.
When it arrived he was fuming - they sent a large magnifying glass
and instructions that said "don't use in strong sunlight"...

My ex-wife kept on saying I needed a penis enlarger
So I got one. Her name's Lara and we're very happy....

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Moz on September 08, 2011, 02:16:45 pm

Q.what did one chev owner say to the chev owner..............
A. who cares:rol:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Moz on September 08, 2011, 02:21:48 pm

why do women get married in white dresses?
so they match the other kitchen appliances

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Envy 68 on September 08, 2011, 02:55:03 pm

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Envy 68 on September 08, 2011, 02:56:28 pm

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
:bolt:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Moz on September 08, 2011, 02:59:46 pm

If you had Hitler and a solicitor standing in front of you and had a gun with two bullets who would you shoot first?
The solicitor twice.:rol:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Moz on September 08, 2011, 05:59:32 pm

Quote from: 66 Hertz link=topic=1394.msg153296#msg153296

Whats the difference between ET & a refugee?.

ET looked better, smelt better, learn't english, didn't claim benefits
had is own bike & wanted to go home

I Love it :rol:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Moz on September 08, 2011, 06:04:39 pm

Two Blondes were walking through the Forest when they came across some tracks,
one blonde looked at the other and said,
Look there's some elephant tracks and the other said
They aren't Elephant tracks you idiot,
they are Deer tracks
and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 08, 2011, 06:05:35 pm

ACURA
Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
Asia's Curse Upon Rural America

AMC
All Makes Combined
A Major Cost
A Mutated Car
A Morons Car
Another Major Catastrophe

AUDI
Awfully Unsafe Designs Implemented
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Automobile Under Demonic Influence
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.

BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
Break My Windshield
Babbling Mechanical Wench
Beastly Monstrous Wonder
Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Barely Moving Wreck
Big Money Waste
Big Money. Why?
Big Money Works
Born Moderately Wealthy
Breaks Most Wrenches
Bring More Wrenches
Brings Me Women
Brings More Women
Broken Money Waster
Broke My Wallet
Broken Monstrous Wonder
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Big Ugly Imitation Chrome King

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques

DODGE
Drips Oil & Drops Grease Everywhere
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Dead Old Dog Going East
Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
Dead On Delivery, Go Easy
Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired
Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Dear Old Dads Garage Experiment
Daily Overhauls Do Get Expensive

EDSEL
Every Day Something Else Leaks

FIAT
Failed Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It Again, Tony!
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

FORD
Frigin' Old Rebuilt Dodge
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
First On Race Day
First On Recall Day
Fabricated Of Refried Dung
Fails On Rainy Days
Fantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream
Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
Fault Of R&D
Finally Obsolete Racing Device
Fireball On Rear Denting
First On Road to Dump
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Recycle Dilemma
Flipping Over Results in Death
Flipped Over Roadside Disaster
Follow Our Rusty Dogsled
Foot On Road Decelerates
Forced On Reluctant Drivers
Formed Of Rejected DNA
Forwarded Once; Return Denied
Forward Only; Reverse Defective
Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin
Fork Over Repair Dough
Fouled Out Re-done Dodge
Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration
Free Or Reduced Drastically
Frequent Opinion Really Disappointed
Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
Funny Old Rattling Dump
(backwards) Driver Returns On Foot

GEO
Good Engineering Overlooked

GM
General Maintenance
Great Mistake
Garbage Motors
Generally Miserable
Grossly Misconceived
Gluteus Maximus

GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?
Generally Mediocre Cars
Get More Chicks
Gets Mechanics Crazy
Gods Mechanical Curse
Got More Crap
Great Mountain Climber
Great Motor Car

GTO
Gas, Tires, Oil

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
Hallmark Of Non-Descript Automobiles
Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles
HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

JEEP
Just Eats Every Part
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly
Just Empty Every Pocket

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

MG
Money Guzzler

MGB
Might Go Backwards

MGF
Might Go Forward

MIATA
My Intention Always To Accelerate

MOPAR
Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
Most Often Passed At Races
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Move Over People Are Racing
Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly
My Old Pig Ain't Running
My Only Problems Are Repairs

MUSTANG
Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good

OLDSMOBILE
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
old ladies driving slowly making other behind insanely late everyday

PINTO
Put In Nickel To Operate
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook

PLYMOUTH
Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood

PORSCHE
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Sorry Auto, Always Broken
Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

SUBARU
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass
The One You Ought To Avoid

TRIUMPH
This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Moz on September 08, 2011, 06:18:49 pm

You forgot Ferrari
There's gotta be one give me a couple of minutes to think of one:drink:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Moz on September 08, 2011, 06:26:12 pm

F-Fast
E-Exotic
R-Radicly
R-Rediculous
A-Attempt
R-Regarding
I-Investment

Ok its not that good but it's a start:shrug:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on September 08, 2011, 08:32:08 pm

Holden ..... Hope Our Luck Doesn't End Now

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on September 09, 2011, 12:19:32 pm

THE SCOTTISH WIFE

This old codger is really weak and in a great deal of discomfort on his deathbed.

Suddenly he gets a whiff of his favourite food - beautiful fresh scones.

Thinks it must be his dear partner of 60 years making him one last treat.

In agony he eases himself off the bed, crawls out to the kitchen and feebly reaches up for the table.

Suddenly the missus rushes in and whacks him over the head with a wooden spoon.

"P*ss off" she growls, "they're for the funeral".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on September 17, 2011, 02:50:26 pm

A quick update on HappyFeet .......

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/HappyFeet.gif)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mwizz on September 29, 2011, 10:36:08 pm

An elderly man was stopped by police at 2:00 AM and they ask him where he was going at this time of night?

He said " I am going to a lecture on alcohol abuse,the effects it has on the human body, as well as staying out all night, and smoking".

"Oh really" said the police officer, "and who would be giving a lesture at this time of night"?

The old man replies: "that would be my wife"!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on October 01, 2011, 09:24:25 pm

(http://i594.photobucket.com/albums/tt30/bluecollarboy87/Redneckwordoftheyear.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Shermatt on October 01, 2011, 09:36:59 pm

(http://i594.photobucket.com/albums/tt30/bluecollarboy87/Redneckwordoftheyear.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on October 02, 2011, 03:30:27 pm

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End

On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian
Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the
middle of the road, an Aborigine..
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide,"what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied,

"Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Baliant Ute. It's a red one.. The left pront tyre is bald.

The pront end

is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel..

There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.

There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"God man, how do you know all that?," asked one.

The Aborigine replied......... I fell out off the pucken ting about half an hour ago!".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on October 02, 2011, 10:55:12 pm

Currently Santaco (Qantas's new Indian budget Airline) are only flying between Mumbai and Christmas Island, but hope to introduce further services to Australia later this year.
CASA say they will be trying to stop the planes as they are unsure about their airworthiness.
Spokesmen for both Jetstar and Virgin said that they will not be beaten on price.
A spacious Business Class is on the upper deck. (See below)

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/quantas.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on October 02, 2011, 11:10:25 pm

nominated best joke of the year

A Somali arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia ...
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Indian.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby ... ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia!'
The person says, 'I not Australian, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says .... 'Thank you for the wonderful Australia !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Lebanon, I am not Australian !'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks ...! . 'Are you a Australian ?'
She says , 'No, I am Sri Lankan!'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians ?'
The Sri Lankan lady checks her watch and says .... 'Probably at work'

Sadly I think its true.............

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on October 02, 2011, 11:16:16 pm

Tupperware

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/tupperware-2.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on October 03, 2011, 11:45:43 pm

A bloke's having a few drinks with his wife.

It gets around to their sex life and he suggests they try something new.

She asks if he's got any ideas.

Says he's heard about this wheelbarrow thing.

What's that - never heard of it before.

Seems pretty easy. You put your arms down straight and I pick you up by the legs and take you from behind.

She thinks for a bit and says well OK, but on three conditions.

We stop if it hurts........

and don't wheel me past the church or mum's.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 05, 2011, 09:26:20 pm

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and ! got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on October 07, 2011, 07:50:12 pm

One day a mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth.

"Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting" he thought. Next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid.

"Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today."

His friend got a little concerned but didn't say anything. Next day he told about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did.

A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend "This brake fluid is really great stuff."

His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff."

"Hey, no problem," he said, "I can stop any time."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Chopper on October 07, 2011, 11:18:45 pm

Stunning Lady walks up 2 the bar.
She signals the barman 2 bring his face closer 2 hers. Running her fingers through his hair she says softly "R U the manager?" He says "no"."Can U give him a message?" she asks stroking his face & allowing 2 fingers 2 slip into his mouth so he can suck them gently & sliding them seductively across his teeth & round his tongue "Tell him there's no toilet paper"....

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: drmorbius on October 11, 2011, 08:45:23 pm

Bloke decides to get away from it all and moves way out bush, far from any civilisation. One evening the peace and quiet is interrupted when there's a knock at the door.

A mountain of a man is standing there and says "I'm yer neighbour from over the ridge. I'm having a party and wanted to invite yer over."

"Hey, thanks mate", said the bloke, "that's really nice of you"

The big man shuffles his feet and says "Guess I otter warn yer... there may be some drinking".

"No worries, I enjoy a good drinking session... sounds great."

"and there's likely to be a bit of fightin too"

"Hey, I can handle myself.. no probs"

The big man nods, then says "probably be some sex"

The bloke smiles and says "that's cool, been out here alone for a while, so that sounds good too."

The big man nods and says "Ok, see yer Saturday night then"

"Fine, want me to make some food for the party?"

"Nah, just gonna be the two of us..."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on October 21, 2011, 03:03:15 pm

NOTICE IN PAPER

Congratulations on a new son born to Andrew and Claire Jones, who was Dunne before she married.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on October 21, 2011, 11:09:11 pm

The Agony of Dyslexia

After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit

my dyslexic friend Bob.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 01, 2011, 12:17:29 am

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jiffy on November 06, 2011, 11:24:59 am

Corvette Clock....

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a proud Mustang owner led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Corvette clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Corvette clock - seriously? I didn't know that was an option'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, an irate voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f#@k's sake, you stupid Mustang driving asshole. It's ten past three in the f@#king morning!!!’

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: jiffy on November 06, 2011, 11:28:00 am

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time . . .

I knew a man who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
When I arrived I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin
. . . 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. . .
I thought to myself, these buggers have lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint, I gave her a big push and she fell over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night in Abu Dhabi when Dubai
Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for said . . .
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the
humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went
to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!
Geez, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding
behind a gravestone.
"Morning." I said.
"No" he replied, "just having a pee."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3
seconds.'
So I bought her some scales.

Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with
their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. . .
I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C," he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay over a purchase he made. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.
The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, has announced that she intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will only be printed in English.

Husband says to wife 'My Olympic condoms have arrived - I think I'll wear gold tonight'.
Wife says, 'Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change'.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RACV van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor'
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry OK?'
I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on November 10, 2011, 10:07:04 pm

NOW ON SALE AT IKEA

Quick Assembly

* Lesbian Beds *

No nuts or screwing involved.

It 's all tongue and groove!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on November 23, 2011, 11:46:06 pm

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big
crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde,"but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on November 24, 2011, 07:28:29 pm

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.

The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

'Does this taste funny to you ?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'

'Is it common ?'

'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?

A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.

It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on November 24, 2011, 07:32:13 pm

An Irish woman of a "certain age" visited her doctor to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"No a problem", replied the doctor. "Drop it in his coffee, he won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

A week later she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid, just terrible, Doctor".

"Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with this pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean you didn't enjoy it?"

"Of course I did doctor! Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on November 24, 2011, 07:42:28 pm

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom..

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times, this provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean..

Yours sincerely,
The Dog !!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on November 24, 2011, 10:28:50 pm

Why Men shouldn't write advice columns!

(http://i969.photobucket.com/albums/ae175/a67pny/Jokes/advice.jpg)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on November 24, 2011, 10:31:37 pm

Who employs these idiots? a True Story !!!

You have to read this story...

On Thursday, 24th January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio.

In March 1999 a man living in Kandos(near Mudgee in NSW, Australia ) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail.

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off..

He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show Cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.
[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.
[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00

This story can also be viewed on the ABC website - Who employs these idiots??

Remember, these "people" walk among us and breathe the same air we do, and they BREED!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: GT350H on November 25, 2011, 07:18:59 am

Quote from: Camaro91 link=topic=1394.msg163883#msg163883

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom..

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times, this provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean..

Yours sincerely,
The Dog !!

Brilliant !!:rol:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on November 29, 2011, 10:04:17 pm

Top 10 Peeves Dogs Have With Humans1. Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all!2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, FOR PETE'S SAKE!!3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo oooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.9. Dog sweaters. Hellooo??? Haven't you noticed the fur?10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on December 13, 2011, 09:49:14 am

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on December 13, 2011, 10:33:14 am

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

· a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

· a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

· a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

* My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

* I had no control over the drooling.

* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 65GTK on December 19, 2011, 01:09:14 am

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; but, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. He relented, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:

What a woman really wants, is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display.

She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question!

Gawain began to think of his predicament: during the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
>
>
>
>
>
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
...
...
..
...
...
The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb. Underneath it all, she's still a witch. And if you try to control her life, things will get ugly.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 19, 2011, 11:05:12 pm

An old Mustang owner goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 65GTK on December 22, 2011, 12:00:43 pm

about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never
driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 26, 2011, 10:00:26 pm

A man was driving his Mustang down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.

Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him".

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 26, 2011, 10:12:03 pm

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Eddy: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Eddy: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Eddy, just to be sure.

Eddy: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Broadmeadows."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Eddy: "Hello Maggie, its Eddy here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire - I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Eddy: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your cheque. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on January 23, 2012, 01:08:56 pm

British Humor ABSOLUTELY POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND HILARIOUS

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

============================================

During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know they were living up there."

=============================================

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

=============================================

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low!

=============================================

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

=============================================

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds and comes to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out,

"Hey, Mohammed! Two coffees!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on January 23, 2012, 10:01:25 pm

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South Africa they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 65GTK on January 24, 2012, 11:05:25 pm

MEN UNITE!! TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH...

1) Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

2) ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

3) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We
refuse to answer.

4) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to
see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

5) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6) Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't
ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, or the shotgun formation.

7) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.

8) Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think
of it that way.

9) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine. Really.

10) You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

11) Crying is blackmail.

12) Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle
hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious
hints don't work. Just say it!

13) No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark
Anniversaries on the calendar.

14) Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss
sometimes.

15) Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
good with your dress?

16) Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

17) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.

18) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.

19) Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it's Bruce
Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what
they're saying anyway.

20) Check your own oil.

21) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

22) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

23) All comments become null and void after 7 days.

24) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

25) Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

26) You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do
something, but not both.

27) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

28) If it itches, it will be scratched.

29) Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

30) If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not
worth the hassle.

31) Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on
the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind
that, it's like camping!

.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on January 30, 2012, 08:26:20 pm

5,000 men were surveyed as to why they like blow>obs
1% liked the warmth.

2% liked the sensation.

3% liked the eroticism.

94% just liked the peace and quiet.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: IGALOP on February 01, 2012, 12:00:45 pm

In a divorce court a blonde woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Pedro on February 01, 2012, 09:52:33 pm

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that ... so what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on February 01, 2012, 10:16:00 pm

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive.

"When I got to the door, I couldn't jump. So the 6ft 7 inch black instructor unzips his fly & drops out his 14 inch schlonga, then says if you dont jump youre going to get this baby right up your ass!"

Mick asks "Did you jump".

Paddy replies "A little bit when it first went in"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mwizz on February 01, 2012, 11:42:16 pm

:smile01:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 03, 2012, 01:26:08 pm

Hooker in Las Vegas

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,

"How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!

Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those..

And I own them because I give a hand-job that's
worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once..
I'll give it a try.."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy
is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job
is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window,
big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street?

I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give
a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:
All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces & shows?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 04, 2012, 01:01:32 pm

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything-under-one-roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah, I was a salesman back in Wisconsin ...'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'Son, how many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down off the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft Cabin Cruiser. When he said he didn't think his Honda Civic could pull it, I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Hummer that could.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a new BOAT and a HUMMER?'

The kid said 'No sir, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on February 07, 2012, 09:34:54 pm

Clever Anagrams

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there
Must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS ! NO MORE
Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mwizz on February 07, 2012, 09:46:58 pm

:thumb:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on February 09, 2012, 09:24:24 pm

2011 Winner -- Joke Of The Year

Two women were sitting together, quietly.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on February 10, 2012, 09:52:46 pm

THE SCOTTISH COW.

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
Cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.

It was absolutely wonderful,
It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
Whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
The cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried,
The cow would move away from the bull,
And he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go to
The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
Ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
Before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
That they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mussy65 on February 11, 2012, 11:49:14 am

Ohhhhh!

I married a Scot too. This explains it all ... oh a very wise vet indeed!

I might go post this on Facebook and see what reaction I get from the rest of the Scottish clan.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on February 11, 2012, 10:49:24 pm

While creating wives, God promised men
obedient wives would be found
in all corners of the world.
. . and then, He made the earth round !!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on February 11, 2012, 10:52:36 pm

A lady helps her man install a new computer. Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, a word that he'll always remember. as the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects a word but he is annoyed with her reaction,
when he selects: penis.

As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria .

The computer had replied:

TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on February 12, 2012, 10:14:31 pm

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: POORPIGI on February 14, 2012, 11:17:52 pm

Two guys out playing golf, standing on the 8th hole, one just about to hit the ball when a funeral procession crawls along the road beside the green. The guy lowers his club and removes his hat and brings it to his chest.
The other guy does the same and says mate I never seen you show such respect. I very impressed.
The guy replied. It's the least I could do. I was married to the bitch for 20 years.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: SXTY8 on February 15, 2012, 07:46:20 pm

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ....

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand , Tasmania, parts of Liverpool , Southern USA, and some areas near Kyneton.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: red066 on February 16, 2012, 01:12:38 pm

A guy suspects his wife is cheating on him ; So he hires a Chinese detective
The cheapest one there is !
This is his report:
Most honorable Sir!!!
You leave house .
I watch house .
He come house .
I watch .
He & She leave house .
I watch .
I follow .
He & She go hotel .
I climb tree .
I look window .
He kiss She .
She kiss He .
He strip She .
He plays with She .
She plays with He .
I play with Me .
I fall from tree .
I not see .
No fee .
Mr: Wong Chen Lee

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: red066 on February 16, 2012, 01:14:59 pm

They are making one last Whitney Houston movie
THE BODY BAG

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on February 16, 2012, 05:06:24 pm

Pills

The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that "help" get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills !

I am still looking for a place to live.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mwizz on February 16, 2012, 05:50:05 pm

:smile01:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 16, 2012, 09:13:53 pm

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap

in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in

front

of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides

off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then

hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his

overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his

stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt

from

his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya

doing, Billy Bob ?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an

obviously embarrassed Billy Bob .

"But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom

d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to

a tractor."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on February 17, 2012, 03:22:20 pm

WHITNEY... THANK YOU FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT YOU ARE NOW PROVIDING US
-I found an old black bag full of drugs floating in a bath yesterday. I called an ambulance, but Whitney was dead by the time they arrived.
-What's white, 6 inches long, and won't be sucked on Valentine's Day? Whitney's Crack Pipe.
-When the paramedics arrived they said "Its Houston we have a problem".
-Nintendo are releasing a new game based on the lives of Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston. It's called WiiHab.
-What was Whitney Houston doing in the bath tub? Washing her crack.
-Large amount of prescription drugs found in Whitney's room... I bet Jacko's doctor is shitting himself.
-What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse? 204 days.
-What's the difference between Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson? One was a crackhead and one censored Aed little boys.
-What's black, lies on the floor 'Will Always Love You' and has white stuff around its nose? A border collie.
-A back single mother overdoses... what's the big deal?
-Some sources claim that Whitney Houston is not really dead and that she's in character for her new film 'The Bodybag'.
-Charlie Sheen better die soon or heaven will run out of crack before he gets there.
-Whitney Houston cause of death: she waited too long to exhale.
-What's white and has two holes? The inside of Whitney's nose.
-Is it really snowing or did Whitney sneeze??
-What was Whitney Houston's biggest hit? Her last one.
-Why did Whitney Houston snort Splenda? She thought that it was Diet Coke.
-Isn't it somewhat ironic that a woman who hasn't been clean for years managed to die in a bath?
-Whitney Houston died just hours after being asked to be a judge on the next season of X-Factor. Personally I think she made the right decision.
-A full day of Whitney Houston on MTV. I don't know who is in hell, us or her.
-With Whitney Houston now dead I think we'll see a vast improvement in her live shows.
-I bet they didn't need to draw any white lines around Whitney Houston's body.
-So Whitney died... now she's reunited with her career.
-Can everybody waiting to mourn over Whitney's death please form a line? It's what she would have wanted.
-On the day that Whitney Houston died Bobby Brown still played a gig. I mean it's pretty disgusting... what kind of people pay to see Bobby Brown?
-Whitney Houston found dead. Columbian economy collapses.
-Two detectives are in Whitney Houston's hotel room. One says to the other "I've never heard of her. What was she famous for?" The other copper replies "She was a very well-known musician". The first detective looks around and says "Ah, I see now. Let me guess, she played the spoons?"
-Dear Lord, thank you for answering my prayers. However you seem to have made a terrible error. I said "Britney" not "Whitney".
-For the first time since the early 90's, Whitney Houston has everyone talking about her latest 'Hit'.
-Confusion in heaven today as Whitney Houston tries to explain to Michael Jackson why 5 year old crack is bad.
-Live from the Beverly Hills Hospital's Life Support Division: Whitney Houston Unplugged.
-Decorations will be different in the Houston house this coming Christmas. There will still be a tree but fewer needles lying on the floor.
-Everyone seems so saddened by the death of Whitney Houston. What saddens me more is her greatest hits album will surely be out soon.
-Whitney Houston lived her life as I ski - face down in a pile of white powder.
-Whitney Houston has now been drug free for at least one day.
-Yesterday I heard that the world had just lost a great asset to the music industry. One whom many referred to as 'The Queen of Pop' and I'd just like to take a moment and say we will miss her greatly. May Elton John rest in peace.
-Hey don't want to spoil it but the extended version of the bodyguard is on tonight, she dies in the end.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on February 17, 2012, 05:31:38 pm

This will warm your heart..........

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
Food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And
Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me,

"Did I do it all wrong? Is God cross with me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
Certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson and said,

"I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had
Started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little
Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My
Grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember for

The rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front
Of the woman.

With a big smile he told her,

"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your a#se you grumpy old b*tch!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on February 20, 2012, 09:56:46 pm

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as

'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
< u>
3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 21, 2012, 08:32:03 pm

NO SEX Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and ledpatr him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on February 22, 2012, 06:31:33 pm

This morning I went to Centrelink to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs
are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Dads are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing and medical care.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their first cheques next Friday.

Damn, this is a great country!.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 22, 2012, 10:07:51 pm

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers . She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

“Yes, I live over in Camps Bay " he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate love making of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on February 23, 2012, 11:45:33 pm

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"
Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on February 28, 2012, 11:07:59 pm

John Clarke, Bryan Dawes skit
[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]

John: Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.

John: You're the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: You know...... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.

John: You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: Yeah...a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: So.... you used to have one?

Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model - don't know why I got rid of him -- biggest mistake I've ever made.

John: What happened?

Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07

John: Big mistake.

Bryan: Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate - that was good.

John: Anything else?

Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.

John: Didn't stick around for long did it?

Bryan: Nah - had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.

John: What was the problem?

Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.

John: Whatcha got now?

Bryan: It's a Gillard-Brown.

John: The hybrid?

Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system - not a good idea. An engine that can't deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse.

John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason - that's the one?

Bryan: The Fustercluck model.

John: The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery - but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.

John: So that's why you're here?

Bryan: That's right. I'm stuck with a car that's wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don't suppose you've heard of the "Cash for Clunkers" scheme?

John: Join the queue brother.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 02, 2012, 12:00:26 am

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied: "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on March 02, 2012, 01:05:40 am

The New 2012 Ford
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: GT350H on March 03, 2012, 08:30:29 am

Quote from: EXHAUSTED link=topic=1394.msg172698#msg172698

The New 2012 Ford
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

CHEEKY BUGGER:rol::thumb:
Very clever

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on March 03, 2012, 01:36:51 pm

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to Labour is asked bythe midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth

"I afraid I don't have a husband" she replied "O.K. Do you have a
boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either.

Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you
see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money
and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a #### film.The lead
man was black."

"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "thats really none of my
business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions
but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie
was this Swedish guy

"Oh, I`m sorry,"
The midwife repeats, "thats really none of my business either and I
hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted Eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the
movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents
her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on
the butt.The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved.

"I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 06, 2012, 12:44:53 pm

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 13, 2012, 06:02:05 pm

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on March 14, 2012, 05:04:44 pm

>
> Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after
> dinner
> he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his
> accomplishments and long life, one being owning a 67 Shelby Mustang.
>
> One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin
> to chat
> and before they know it, several hours have passed.
>
> After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred
> and asks,
> "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
>
> She asks, "What, not driving your Mustang?''
>
> "No, sex." he replies
>
> Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I
> held a gun
> to your head!
>
> "I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just
> hold it
> for awhile.
>
> "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who helps him out with his
> request.
>
> Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where
> they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
>
> Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
> Alarmed,
> Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
>
> She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him
> sitting by
> the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's
> little pal.
>
> Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does
Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on March 29, 2012, 10:05:20 pm

A Maori boy asks his dad, "Dad, what's democracy?"
"Well, son, that's when whites work and we get all the benefits from it!"
"But dad, aren't the white people pissed off about that?"
"Sure they are, but that's called 'racism'"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: BLKPNY on March 29, 2012, 10:15:08 pm

Gold!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on April 04, 2012, 01:54:37 pm

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People,

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another Petrol Station toilet because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $3000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $4.99 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $2.50 None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: POORPIGI on April 17, 2012, 06:12:17 pm

A CATTLE DOG STORY:

Julia Gillard called Bob Brown into her office one day and said "Bob, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters"..

"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Brown.

"Well", said Gillard, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".

"Right" said Brown.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate", said Gillard to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer".

"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Gillard and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Gillard and Brown could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me" said Brown, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no", said the barman.

"Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes"...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 17, 2012, 07:10:54 pm

DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland .
They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the
sign that said Disneyland LEFT.
They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,
and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away
... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says
'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it
for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and
asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away
my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you!'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left
shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her
elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and
screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside A speeding car
on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded
to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned
on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what?
We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other
and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!'
said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!'

FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever
heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde.
'They're watch dogs'!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 18, 2012, 12:11:40 pm

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 18, 2012, 12:13:41 pm

Tyrone applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous firm based in Detroit. A white man applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Tyrone and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the white guy the job."

Tyrone, "And why would you be doing that, are you a racist? We both got 19 questions right? This being Detroit and me being Black surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Tyrone said, " Tell me now, how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the white guy wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 18, 2012, 12:21:26 pm

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit

back, relax and...... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled...

'For f*#k's sake .... you should see the back of mine!!!'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on April 20, 2012, 01:12:58 am

Life is supposed to be like a penis ---simple, relaxed and hanging freely.

It’s the women who make it hard :smile01:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on April 21, 2012, 08:28:49 pm

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were:

Mycoxafailin
Mydixadrupin
Mydixarizin
Dixafix, and of course
Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on April 23, 2012, 01:04:21 am

Al Qa'eeda To Go On Strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained,

"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 73mach1 on May 01, 2012, 12:45:57 am

The ATO sent my Tax Return back!
AGAIN!!!

I guess it was because of my response to the question :

"List all dependents" I replied:

"2 million illegal immigrants;
"1 million crack heads;
"4 million unemployable people on welfare,
"2 million people in over 243 prisons;
"Half of Tasmania ; and
"535 fools in the Federal & Sate Parliaments.?

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

WHO DID I MISS?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on May 01, 2012, 09:58:53 am

What does a St Clair girl use for protection during sex??

..............A Bus Shelter.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on May 01, 2012, 10:22:22 pm

Quote from: R_Beckhaus link=topic=1394.msg178186#msg178186

What does a St Clair girl use for protection during sex??

..............A Bus Shelter.

That will only stop her getting too wet.:bolt:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on May 01, 2012, 10:33:20 pm

EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW:kick:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on May 01, 2012, 11:03:48 pm

Quote from: R_Beckhaus link=topic=1394.msg178256#msg178256

EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW:kick:

And stopping those sorts of noises. :rol::rol:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on May 02, 2012, 05:09:57 pm

You a Foolly Sik Puppy!:sick::smile01:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on May 02, 2012, 07:58:38 pm

A Kiwi Mooslim was caught having sex with a sheep today.

He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on May 02, 2012, 08:27:13 pm

Quote from: R_Beckhaus link=topic=1394.msg178327#msg178327

You a Foolly Sik Puppy!:sick::smile01:

Thankyou:thumb:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 67.MTNG on May 12, 2012, 07:49:10 pm

I Have just invented a new BRA. Its called the MUSTANG BRA

Has one cup....

The other must hang

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: StephenSLR on May 13, 2012, 09:43:41 pm

ALL PUNS INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." (NOW IS THAT GREAT, OR WHAT?)

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ' Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good), a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

s

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on May 14, 2012, 12:13:42 am

:thud:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Xrayman on May 14, 2012, 04:57:10 pm

I liked number 19 the best.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on May 16, 2012, 10:51:04 am

Pay your exorcist...............or you'll get re-possessed.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on May 20, 2012, 10:22:37 pm

A Queensland couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT
Only in Queensland huh

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: coops-001 on May 20, 2012, 10:28:58 pm

Why did the chicken cross the road??

To get to the other side, of course...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Moz on May 20, 2012, 11:31:28 pm

Why did the Woman cross the road??

The real question is...
What was she doing out of the kitchen in the first place.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Moz on May 20, 2012, 11:34:13 pm

If you had Hitler & a Solicitor standing in front of you,

And you had a gun with 2 Bullets in it,

Who would you shoot first??

The Solicitor twice. :rol:

Moz

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on May 21, 2012, 10:50:25 am

Use a condom on every conceivable occasion.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: POORPIGI on May 23, 2012, 01:53:14 pm

A stockman from North Queensland attends a social function where PM Julia Gillard is giving a speech

While speaking the Pm kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head.

The stockman says, "Yer having some problem with them circle flies."

Julia stopped talking and said "Well yes, if that's what they're called, but I never heard of circle flies."

Well ma'am, the stockman replies, " Circle flies hang around these parts a lot. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh." Julia replies and resumes her speech.

But a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's arse?"

"No, ma'am," the stockman replies, " I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call our PM a horse's arse."

"Thank you for that respectful explanation, " Julia responds and resumes her speech once again.

And then the stockman slowly continues,

"Hard to fool them flies, though."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on May 24, 2012, 03:13:00 pm

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the Pacific Highway, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph,then 130mph then 140mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman and walked off smiling...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on May 24, 2012, 03:14:03 pm

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians!
Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving
parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: nickd on May 24, 2012, 05:38:26 pm

that is a classic, luv it

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: chopmgw on May 25, 2012, 01:36:30 am

Quote from: 66 Hertz link=topic=1394.msg180346#msg180346

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians!
Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving
parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

:thumb:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: POORPIGI on May 25, 2012, 10:17:26 pm

Graig Thompson is being put up as the Labour Party's saviour.

Finally labour has found someone who can organise a root in a brothel.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mwizz on May 26, 2012, 04:48:43 pm

Quote from: POORPIGI link=topic=1394.msg180487#msg180487

Graig Thompson is being put up as the Labour Party's saviour.

Finally labour has found someone who can organise a root in a brothel.

:smile01::smile01::smile01:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on May 28, 2012, 09:20:20 pm

young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing.. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know..

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.
Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, "So, is your Daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on May 29, 2012, 07:56:51 pm

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

In case you need a laugh:

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a

plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a

form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics

About problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document

their repairs on the form, and then pilots Review
The Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a

sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints

submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and

the solutions recorded

(marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline

that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs

replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a

200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to

stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief

search.

P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love

this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right,

and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.

Sounds like a midget pounding on something

With a hammer

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: A67PNY on May 29, 2012, 08:06:49 pm

Let's Offend Everyone !

I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said “I've not eaten for two days.”

I told him “I wish I had your will power”!

I took my Biology exam last Friday.

I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.

Apparently "Blacks" and "Rumanian gipsies" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said “sorry about the wait.”

I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually. '

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.

When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any Change?”

I said 'Nope, you're still black'

Snow in the forecast!

The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.

I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.

A man asks What is wrong??

The boy says Me ma is dead.

Oh bejaysus the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?

The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away...

But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business.

I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland.

He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”?

The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You're in that basket up there."

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong.

The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??

The answer I should have given was Fiji...

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on June 10, 2012, 05:04:41 pm

A bloke went to a Brothel
and about a week later developed large green lumps all over his willie,
so off to the Doctor he went
and after examining the poor suffering willie,
the doctor said..."Well, youve heard of Boxers getting caulflower ears?...Well. you've got Brothel Sprouts!":smile01:
:bolt:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 67.MTNG on June 10, 2012, 09:21:53 pm

I Have just invented the Mustang BRA...

It only has one cup...

The other must hang

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 67.MTNG on June 11, 2012, 08:33:16 pm

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on June 11, 2012, 10:26:45 pm

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No har! d feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happ! y with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 67.MTNG on June 11, 2012, 10:30:43 pm

all at home got a serious laugh out of No 1

keep em coming

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on June 12, 2012, 03:21:23 am

Jill got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Jill again, remarried, and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Jill finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together.

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied: . . . . .
"I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on June 15, 2012, 10:00:05 pm

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old friends,...... but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreledshot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mwizz on June 20, 2012, 11:29:38 pm

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel..'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and
goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 67.MTNG on June 27, 2012, 09:33:22 pm

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on June 27, 2012, 11:38:26 pm

When you feel stupid, read this ?

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas ..
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix .."
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas"
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?
Send it on to
your brilliant friends.

I just did.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: POORPIGI on July 10, 2012, 01:10:35 pm

So anyway, I'm behind this prick who can't f**king drive. Weaving all over the place and hasn't got a f**king clue.
I'm roaring, "You f**king Paki bastard, learn to drive!!”
And while you're at it, why don't you f**k off back to your own country, you smelly prick.”
You know what the cheeky bastard did?
He stopped and said, "Get out of my taxi!"

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 20, 2012, 09:05:42 am

The wife left a note on the fridge.... "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums!!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on & the beer was cold... F#*k knows what she was on about!!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 20, 2012, 09:06:55 am

Little Asian kid walks into a bar…..

He has the most amazing and colourful parrot on his shoulder……

The barman says “Wow !!! That’s awesome, where did you get it ?”

“China, there’s millions of them !”, replied the parrot.

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 20, 2012, 11:33:38 am

An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had
any experience shoeing horses.

He said no, ......but he had once told a couple of donkeys to nick off .

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: LEE H 69 on July 20, 2012, 07:46:37 pm

thought I share an email I recieved

"HOW TO UPSET YOUR WIFE"

when she is having her period
wait untill she is fast asleep
remove her tampon and replace it with a party popper
come the morning when she pulls on the string..............

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mwizz on July 20, 2012, 09:25:57 pm

:smile01::smile01::smile01:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on July 21, 2012, 08:18:09 pm

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his
age, in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed
during sex and according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are
entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since
there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot
summer, his mother and
father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that
was having difficulty breeding.
This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big
towel over them while they were having sex this, the Vet said, would
cause the young wife to cool down, relax, and then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big
towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.

The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have
sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming,
ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a
half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in
a boasting voice said:
"And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a fookin' towel"!

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Moz on July 22, 2012, 06:15:17 am

Last week results were released proving that women were smarter than men
because they could multitask.
So why is it that they can't have sex when they have a headache. :rol:

Title: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on July 26, 2012, 01:04:37 am

Phone rings - wife picks up.

It's a perv who whispers "bet you've got a tight ass with no hair"

Sure have, he's right here, who's calling ?.

Title: Re: jokes & one liners
Post by: 66 Hertz on August 09, 2012, 12:34:32 pm

Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast on his leg. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, the petrol will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is brilliant . Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any policemen. All we ever see up there are huge lorries carrying logs.

This morning all of the boys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's cement because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even tell us off about the not wearing life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he worked out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Bruce x x x

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Davet27 on August 09, 2012, 01:07:23 pm

Jack Daniels Fishing Story..............
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw an Eastern Brown snake
with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth
I grabbed him right behind the head,
took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey
in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing
using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
It was that same snake, with two more frogs...

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on August 12, 2012, 01:06:38 am

Olympics weightlifting commentator.............

And here's the Bulgarian girl Gregoravia - this morning during warm up I saw her snatch, which was amazing.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on August 13, 2012, 04:05:57 pm

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on August 14, 2012, 03:35:11 pm

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you
want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced
and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for her
request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I
have heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69.

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..

"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Sally on August 14, 2012, 05:23:57 pm

Quote from: 66 Hertz on August 14, 2012, 03:35:11 pm

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you
want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced
and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for her
request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I
have heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69.

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..

"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

ha ha ha love it!!!!!!!

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: POORPIGI on August 16, 2012, 10:04:05 am

A old stationhand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on August 18, 2012, 09:31:35 am

I've made a big, big mistake on my Facebook page.

In hindsight I should have posted, "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford Escort XR3i sedan" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year-old Escort."

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mum's.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Camaro91 on August 24, 2012, 04:08:54 pm

A million stars..................enjoy!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo sh1t. It means someone stole the tent'

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on August 24, 2012, 04:31:52 pm

The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"I bet you have a tight ar$e with no hair?"

Woman replies,
"Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on September 03, 2012, 11:52:14 pm

A police motorcycle officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.

The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying a dickybird.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an arsehole."

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he has a heap of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a barrister to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the barrister for the defence asks;
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

The police officer replies: "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Barrister: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

~~~~ How often can one get a lawyer to convict his own client~~~~

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on September 04, 2012, 09:34:20 am

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're
screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach
and saying "congrats".

But, none of them comes and touches the man's pe#is and says
"Good job".

Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.

SIMPLE TRUTH 3
Women prefer to be beautiful rather than intelligent because
men can see better than they can think.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money can not buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to
cry in a Mustang than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the a##-hole’s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will
remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot
them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither
does milk.

THERE YOU HAVE IT... and remember, life is good.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on September 06, 2012, 03:23:27 pm

can't believe my neighbour banging on My door at 3am today. He is bloody lucky that I was up and playing my drums when he came a knocking!

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on September 13, 2012, 09:40:36 am

Just got the middle eastern weather forecast.......

Part sunni, but mostly shi'ite.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on September 17, 2012, 04:41:43 pm

I went to Mitre Ten recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Mitre Ten, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me..

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'... He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Bunnings.........I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on September 17, 2012, 08:18:16 pm

Ever thought of doing a thorough autobiography, with pictures????? :sick:

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on September 21, 2012, 10:32:00 am

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the
table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She
said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you 200."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and
Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp and
after paying Sue the agreed sum of 200 - they went to the bedroom, and
closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les comes home home from golf at 6pm. Upon arriving, he asks his
wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answers "Why yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asks, "And did he
give you 200?"

Sue, using her best poker face, replys, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me
$200".

"Good!" says Les, with a satisfied look on his face "He came by the golf
club this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our
house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on September 22, 2012, 08:12:29 am

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy , you explain the kids.'

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 24, 2012, 12:48:13 pm

I’m in a bar and ::::::

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy
comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu,
Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?

"No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little prick".

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on October 04, 2012, 09:09:58 am

Once upon a time there were two brothers
One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble
The other brother however, was very good.
He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.
The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.
The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died.
Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.
He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me but I have not
seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending
eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and
wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish," God said.
"I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother
sitting on a bench.
In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said,
"I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm
and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot
be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem............... The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on October 11, 2012, 12:16:14 am

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy
matches, going to the beach.....

And BBQs......

He created night for going prawning,
...
sleeping and BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming, and
BBQs on the beach,
and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to
provide malt and yeast for beer

and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..

On the Fourth Day God created animals
and crustaceans ,chops, sausages,
steak and prawns for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to make use of all these wondrous
creations - go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat
the meat and prawns at BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone
to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie
with.

So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God
saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires,
heard the hiss of op ening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all
the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns
and God Saw that it was good .. ...

Well.... Almost good.....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash,
to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just
good.....

It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on October 11, 2012, 09:32:54 am

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the
raise.

She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?” Maria: “Well,
Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaza.

“The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”

The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

“The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks,
“And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”

Wife: “So how mucha you want?”

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on October 11, 2012, 04:37:27 pm

Warning - eBay Scam

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

Be really careful what you purchase on eBay.

A friend spent $150 on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

Instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight"
:lmao:

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on October 16, 2012, 01:51:35 pm

public transport? Never again!! I got on a Bus, grabbed a window seat, cos I have to be able to see whats going on outside, due to 'panick attacks' and this big bastard demands my seat. I said 'theres plenty of other spare seats pal, go sit in one of them. !" Not good enough for ol mate, no, he starts abusing me and threatening me with vile language and idle threats, so I said..."Who the Hell do YOU think YOU are PAL"? He stares at me and says "The BUS DRIVER Idiot'.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on October 19, 2012, 09:30:13 am

A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to Bunnings

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from
who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings.

Go to KMart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a bundings ? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on October 19, 2012, 09:49:49 am

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... sat next to a woman and ordered a

glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that ? I just ordered a glass of
...champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me ....I
am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating !' says the woman.

'What a coincidence !' says the farmer. As they clinked glasses the farmer
asked, 'What are you celebrating ?'

'My husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me that I am finally pregnant !'

'What a coincidence,' says the farmer. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years
all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized
eggs.'

'That's great !' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile ?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'*

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on October 23, 2012, 10:42:05 am

A bloke walks into a bar in NEW ZEALAND and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up,
Expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist?
Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi.
I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66FBK on October 23, 2012, 10:55:21 pm

My wife says "I never listen to her" or something like that.....

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on October 24, 2012, 05:27:02 pm

I finally received my tax return for 2012 back from the ATO. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents."
I replied: 1 million illegal immigrants; 1 million crack heads; 4 million
people on Centrelink support, 1 million people in over 50 prisons; and 5000 persons in the Australian Federal and State Parliaments, plus 1 useless
Prime Minister."
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on October 26, 2012, 12:18:03 pm

Today's word is................... Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I
only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on November 14, 2012, 12:31:14 am

Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Coles.
The husband picks up a case of Tooheys New and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

~ What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Tooheys, and it's half the price.'

HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 09, 2012, 05:19:21 pm

Only an Aussie could pull this one off ! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland ..

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles.. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"...

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on December 12, 2012, 08:09:44 pm

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “Naughty vs. Nice” contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you’re just disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys
and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console,
my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees
you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,
genius? You have no idea what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
and if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you
asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *

Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little b*****d.
Santa

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 13, 2012, 06:51:22 pm

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
.
About halfway through the service, Pauline had tears in her eyes, took a pen and paper out of her purse and wrote a note, then handed it to Frank.

The note said:" I just let out a gigantic silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 18, 2012, 09:17:18 am

Mums in group Therapy!!!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered... 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.'

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on December 18, 2012, 05:08:53 pm

4 old naughty granny's sitting at a table in a retirement complex.
Then old grandpa walked in.

One of the old grandmother cried out to him:
"We bet, we can tell you exactly how old you are."
The old man said,
"You can not really guess exactly my age, bunch of old fools."
One of the old grandmothers said:
"We certainly can do it!
Drop down your pants & underpants and we'll tell you exactly your age. "
A bit dismayed,
but determined to prove that they could not,
he dropped his pants and underpants down!
The grannies told him, turn around a few times
and than made him jump up and down several times.
Then they shouted in unison: "You're 87 years old!"
With the pants around his ankles,
the old man asked:
"How in the hell do you guess that now?"
Roaring with laughter, the tears on the cheeks the old ladies again cried in chorus:
"Yesterday we were at your birthday party .....!"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 21, 2012, 05:31:48 pm

A young Jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern
education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane
That will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young Jackaroo says, 'I'll get
him in the course.'

So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe
this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to
teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding!
How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of
the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue?

I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in
the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street
Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy
still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he
talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 02, 2013, 06:27:24 pm

A man went to Collins St in Melbourne having seen an ad for a gynaecologist's assistant.

Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist.

You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecological examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Geelong".

"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is"...

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: IGALOP on January 02, 2013, 07:21:24 pm

Macka, is that why you came to Geelong with Caretaker and I ? :grin:

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 02, 2013, 11:17:37 pm

Still lookin' into it." :itsnotfair:

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 08, 2013, 01:30:39 pm

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini ,Italy , went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: “Bless Me, Father for I have sinned.During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on January 14, 2013, 04:54:11 pm

When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

***********

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 14, 2013, 11:54:40 pm

A young Fremantle woman was so depressed that she decided to take her life by throwing herself into the sea,

But just as she was about to jump off the Fremantle wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we sail to Europe tomorrow at first light. I can stow you

away on the ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor took her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on,

every night he would bring her food and a bottle of red wine, and make love to her till dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of your sailors," she replied "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe "

"I see" says the captain.

Her conscience gets the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Rottnest Island Ferry."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 28, 2013, 09:49:41 am

A man's responses to typical ladies questions.

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes.

Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs.

Lady: How much per 6 pack?
Man: About $10.00.

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years.

Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No.
Man: So where's your fxxking Ferrari then?

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on February 08, 2013, 09:32:07 am

Saw these gravediggers wandering around with a coffin..........

Must have lost the plot.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on February 08, 2013, 09:38:32 am

A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.
The brother said "What should we do?"
The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."
The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun YOU."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on February 08, 2013, 09:38:54 am

I reckon Lance Armstrong misread what he was taking. he thought he was taking addabollock steroids

Lance Armstrong: "The accusations make my blood boil .."

". . but luckily I've someone else's in my fridge."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 08, 2013, 09:27:38 pm

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY,"
where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and
can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful --
the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "No point asking about my beard then!!

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on February 09, 2013, 01:08:09 am

Nothing like a Ford Truck.

New Truck built by a company we didn't bail out.

I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck
Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
Came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck ,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,

Ladies and gentlemen,
The PRIME MINSTER of
AUSTRALIA....

Damn I love this truck.....

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 09, 2013, 12:32:45 pm

Car AC facts

Did you know????

The Goldberg Brothers were the Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends..

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on
the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti - Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show their names --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max are the labels on the A/C controls.

I can hear your groans from here. Control yourself!!!
I was sucked in, too!

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on February 11, 2013, 10:24:09 am

This old boiler said she recognised me from the vegetarian club........

but I've never met herbivore.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on February 14, 2013, 02:35:33 am

I've just got off the phone with a friend who lives at the northern tip of Ireland.

He said that since early this morning the snow has reached waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

The Mustang is all ok and locked away in the newly built humidity controlled garage.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on February 15, 2013, 07:01:33 pm

Scribbled in outback dunnies -

Rose are Red
Violets are blue
Sorry next people
No paper for you

and

Stand closer

The next chap could have bare feet

and

Here I sit downhearted
For I paid my penny

But only farted

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on February 19, 2013, 05:07:47 pm

Will You Live to see 85?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (yeh I just reached 63).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F - - - do you want to live to 85?

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on February 19, 2013, 05:36:43 pm

Why do blondes make good pilots....

'cos they never have to back up. :evil:

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on March 20, 2013, 09:17:36 am

The Methodist pastor in an outback Australian town asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A young farmer’s wife stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible tractor accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord,Phil is out of hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is 'sternum'."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on March 21, 2013, 08:56:24 am

This Is What You'd Call A Real Mate !!!!
A man invites his mate back home for dinner.
His wife screams at him,
"I've not done my hair,
Not done my makeup,
Not done any housework,
Not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking!
What the f**k did you invite him round for?"
He replies ...."Cos he's thinking of getting married."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on April 09, 2013, 04:26:33 pm

The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"I can, if I take two tablets," he replied.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 68Coupe on April 09, 2013, 06:32:05 pm

Speaking of Viagra.

Why do they give the old men in the Old Folks Home Viagra??........

To stop them rolling out of bed!

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on April 09, 2013, 06:51:05 pm

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!'

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a bloody truck hit us.'

Matt :event:

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on April 09, 2013, 08:47:29 pm

Heard hospitals are big Viagra users too.

Keeps the sheets off bloke's burnt legs.

S'pose the women have to get by with a strap on.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on April 10, 2013, 10:00:13 am

This one may bring a little tear to your eyes . . . Only a golfer would
understand this story of a GOLFER AT THE DENTIST.

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget
about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.

I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM
tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't
have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the
pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on April 10, 2013, 10:02:20 am

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner
of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I couldn't afford to feed it."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police
station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to
guess where they were going..... The driver won £52!

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take
it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It
didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the
police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to
your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home
yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a
tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately
& the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons
of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do
it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2
years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca
and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on April 10, 2013, 10:03:17 am

THE CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at
a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a
very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of
his
life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during
the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart
forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into
laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm
so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral? I'm a
gynaecologist."

The Priest fainted.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on April 11, 2013, 11:13:10 am

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a
mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
"God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off!

.... Touching story, isn't it?

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on April 11, 2013, 08:01:52 pm

Farm Life in Australia

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

" Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.

" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on April 12, 2013, 09:12:02 am

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking .......... And then I saw her face......

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Redhead matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk... unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England...

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on April 12, 2013, 09:55:47 am

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd1 on April 12, 2013, 10:41:02 am

Quote from: 66 Hertz on April 12, 2013, 09:12:02 am

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

This one is gold.
I think i found my new sig

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on April 27, 2013, 12:32:36 pm

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Just had my water bill of $175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY",
and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel.....!!!

2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine ..
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver,
bronze, copper & lead

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a
Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

:bolt:

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on May 01, 2013, 09:10:33 pm

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon, he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought for a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 02, 2013, 04:43:46 pm

Golfing Hit Man

Two MUstang owners were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, " Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?”

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his love making organ off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 03, 2013, 04:18:14 pm

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that fixed, now."
Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Tiger: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie: "Actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie: "Pick a night."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 73mach1 on May 11, 2013, 05:38:02 am

Words were the big topic of the million dollar television quiz show where Professor Geewhiz challenged the audience to stump him with a word he couldn't put into a sentence.

"Garn!" shouted a bloke in the third row.

"Garn?" said the professor, "Garn? It's not a swear word, is it?"

"No," said the punter in the third row, "Garn."

Time elapsed, the buzzer went and the crowd applauded.

"You've stumped him," said the MC, "How do you use the word, sir?"

"Garn get f*cked," said the punter who was immediately thrown out and the show closed until further notice.

It took the network twelve months to get over it. Finally they had the gumption to start it up again with the proviso that they would have to screen the audience in future.

On the opening night they scrutinized each member of the public as they arrived before asking for the first word.

A man is the third row wearing a vicar's collar a beard put his hand up. "Smee," he said.

"Smee?" said the professor, "Smee?" The seconds ticked away and he was forced to concede on the very first word.

After the applause had died down the MC asked the punter, how do you use the word?"

The punter stood up, pulled his false beard off and said, "Smee again - Garn get f*cked!"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on May 14, 2013, 12:40:38 am

So offended waiting for the bus his morning.

Driver points and yells "far queue"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on May 16, 2013, 05:29:59 pm

A Scotsman's Chilli

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow......

He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks,

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says,

"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.

The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too".

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: POORPIGI on May 17, 2013, 02:48:50 pm

Two guys were standing on the green at the ninth hole with one just about to tee off.

Just then a funeral procession drives along the road beside them.

The guy stops removes his hat and bows his head and remains silent til the procession passes.

The other guy says " Mate I'm Impressed. I never knew you were so respective of the dead."

The guy replies. " It's the least I could do, after all I was married to the bitch for 25 years"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on May 17, 2013, 03:20:54 pm

Julia Gillard decided that as Aussies love a good raffle, she'd boost her popularity by holding a Grand National Raffle, with secret prizes guaranteed to be truly sensational. The prize draw would be held on the front lawn of old Parliament House, Canberra and all ticket holders would be transported for the draw free of charge, and Wayne Swan would personally draw the winning tickets from the barrel.
All tickets sold, the crowd gathered at the appointed place along with media crews and in the centre of the lawn a podium had been erected and on the podium was Wayne Swan, a large barrel and a Microphone.
At the appointed hour Wayne Swan approached the Microphone and announced " I will now draw the ticket for Third Prize!" and plunged his hand deep into the barrel and withdrew a ticket.

"Third prize has been won by Ticket Number 569087! Please come forward" A bloke about 100metres from the podium yells out "That's Me! You Bloody Bewdy" and raced to the podium to collect his prize. Wayne welcomed him and told him "for third prize you have won a brand new crew cab Toyota hilux, a new 20 foot centre console fishing boat and a new holiday cottage at Woy Woy!" The crowd was dumbstruck with envy and the winner could only grin his pleasure.

"I will now draw the winning ticket for second prize!" The crowd was totally silent as he drove his hand deep into the barrel and came out clutching a ticket

"second prize has been won by ticket number 358765! Would the lucky person please come forward!"

A bloke near the front called out "Oh Shlt its me!" and hurried to the podium, nearly sick with anticipation!

"Mate" says Wayne Swan "You are one of the luckiest men alive tonight!...You have won, for second prize, a Chocolate Cake baked by the very hands of our illustrious Prime Minister Julia Gillard her very self!"

"You're kidding aren't you? he gets a car, boat and house for third and all I get for second is an effing cake!"

"But it was baked by Julia Gillard!!!" defended Wayne

"F**k Julia Gillard" swears the man

"Fair Go! " exclaims Wayne, "you can't have First Prize!"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 23, 2013, 10:35:40 pm

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: flatchat on May 30, 2013, 10:03:02 pm

The difference between a California cowboy and a Texas cowboy is when they both see a cow with it's head stuck in the fence...

The Texas cowboy runs over & rapes the cow and asks the California cowboy if he wants some.

The California cowboy runs over, drops his drawers, sticks his head in the fence and says "o.k."
__________________ :lol:

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on May 31, 2013, 10:27:22 am

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I, listened to
the instructor declare; 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
'White Wings Self-Raising Flour, isn’t it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy.... and my love of Mustangs..

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on June 05, 2013, 04:31:50 pm

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.

Just had my S.A. Water bill of $750.00 turn up in my letter box. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $5.00 a month: time to change supplier I think.... (how true is that)

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY"

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel again !

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper brass and lead.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well!
Prophets are going through the roof !

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen ?

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Stang on June 05, 2013, 05:20:58 pm

Grandma

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Stang on June 07, 2013, 07:31:13 pm

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing
his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes
rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in
Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements.
Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning,
flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say,
the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are
things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great.
We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and
escalators. And there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake - he should never have been
sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an
engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah,
right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on June 18, 2013, 03:19:06 pm

Australia 's smartest woman
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Austarlian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Bush. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on June 20, 2013, 12:26:25 pm

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Stang on June 25, 2013, 09:56:49 pm

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
Button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps. >> >>

He whispers . .

'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 03, 2013, 09:12:12 am

Alittle Catholic sense of humour.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di A ngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and
behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,

'What'd you get ?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads...'

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on July 20, 2013, 11:31:44 am

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle,
the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Tony Abbott and his role as Leader of the Federal Opposition.
The old farmer said, 'Well, ya know, Abbott is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'Post Turtle'
was.

The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced
on top, that's a 'Post Turtle'.

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there,
he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 24, 2013, 11:41:56 pm

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks..... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely.. What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 24, 2013, 11:47:14 pm

The Outhouse

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out ofthe hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! Mybeard is stuck in thecracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!" :grin:

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on July 26, 2013, 11:20:55 am

A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of
the salesroom.

Taking off down the freeway, he gunned it to 180kph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal
to
the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue
lights
flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly speedster, as
he
floored it to 200kph, then 220 then 240.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to
catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side
of
the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a
reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you
go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years
ago
my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on July 26, 2013, 05:08:05 pm

Good religious lad needs to confess.

Grabs a cubicle and there's fine wine, quality chocolates and Playboy mags everywhere.

Thinks wow must do this more often.

Then along trots the Priest who barks "p1ss off that's my side".

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on August 05, 2013, 08:42:13 pm

The expressions on these guy's faces says everything!
Two old boys having a great laugh...

Two old guys talking:

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV"

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup. … Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 69ISH on August 05, 2013, 08:52:25 pm

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding someone else's bicycle

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 69ISH on August 05, 2013, 08:56:25 pm

Excellent medical advice

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed cause it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.

SO, REMEMBER ...

>>FASTING <<

is good for health

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 69ISH on August 31, 2013, 04:36:27 pm

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
Then he made the earth round.....
and laughed and laughed and laughed......

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on September 09, 2013, 04:58:27 pm

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ...
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on September 09, 2013, 05:08:43 pm

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on September 17, 2013, 03:15:55 pm

Got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Just had my water bill of $175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just $2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, blow the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 18, 2013, 11:07:39 am

A couple of AFP officers stopped at a property west of Canberra and talked to an old Aboriginal standing on the road. He told the old Aboriginal, "Morning sir, I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he nodded his head towards the location.
The AFP officer verbally exploded & said, "Look sir, I have the authority of the federal government with me!". Reaching into his rear back pocket, the AFP officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Aboriginal. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand mate?"
The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the AFP officer running for his life, being chased by a large Bull. With every step the Bull was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old Aboriginal threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOU’RE BADGE! SHOW HIM YOU’RE F*$KING BADGE!"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on September 27, 2013, 11:17:54 am

This boy is quick!

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really?" replied the boy,.......................... "Who'd she play for?"

LUVHEV

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on October 03, 2013, 08:07:29 pm

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .

It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland "

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: littlejohn on October 03, 2013, 11:34:12 pm

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything..He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. $150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: littlejohn on October 03, 2013, 11:38:13 pm

Four guys have been going to the same fishingtrip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"**** Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife
came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mickemck on October 04, 2013, 06:55:06 am

I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them

How do you know when you’re too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on October 07, 2013, 05:49:18 pm

A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car .
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the copper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”
The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on October 17, 2013, 10:28:51 pm

Some seniors are so thoughtful and creative!!

I misplaced my glasses

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I E-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her..

She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." and prepaid!

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on October 23, 2013, 12:23:36 pm

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that whileHard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on October 23, 2013, 12:28:51 pm

Quote from: 66 Hertz on October 23, 2013, 12:23:36 pm

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that whileHard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

Too funny but how true,
I am sure I know some of those people :lol:

Cheers
Matt

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 68Coupe on October 23, 2013, 01:30:15 pm

Quote from: Mattstang on October 23, 2013, 12:28:51 pm

Too funny but how true,
I am sure I know some of those people :lol:

Cheers
Matt

I think I might forward it on to my boss. :grin:

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: EXHAUSTED on October 23, 2013, 02:18:13 pm

A Rope and Two Knots

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed.
When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on October 31, 2013, 07:57:18 pm

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on November 25, 2013, 04:52:57 pm

ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, sky-diving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog,some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on November 25, 2013, 04:59:02 pm

I'm about to take part in the Great Western Suburbs Run It's not an official race, I just stand outside the Lakemba shops & shout "Allah is a wanker" & then off we go...

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $2.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Western Sydney.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 03, 2013, 02:24:10 pm

Making a Baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/mad%20pictures/woman_screaming1.gif) (http://s142.photobucket.com/user/heven67/media/mad%20pictures/woman_screaming1.gif.html)

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on December 18, 2013, 08:26:06 am

Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in
Reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

Oh My jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Gloria Jean's again!'

luvhev

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on December 18, 2013, 10:59:29 am

When drinking take a taxi !

With Christmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my
friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the
authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out
with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and
had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I
still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi
home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadside checkpoint but
since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a taxi before, I don't know
where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on December 19, 2013, 04:24:09 pm

First drink!!

I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters.

He didn't like it - I had it.

Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and Cider.

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the pram.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 25, 2013, 12:44:05 pm

Guy walks into my parts store. Says "I need a gas cap for a Kia."

I said, okay, sounds like a fair trade.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on December 25, 2013, 12:49:31 pm

A cop stops a car just as it makes its way onto a new stretch of road.

Cop: "Congratulations, you're the one millionth motorist to drive on our new federal road, the city mayor grants you $2000 in cash for a good press photo."
Driver: "Alright then, thanks."
Cop: "Do you have any idea what you're going to do with your money?"
Driver: "I'll go to driving school and get a licence."
His Co-Driver interrupts: "Don't listen to him, he's drunk!"
Grandma shouts from the back seat: "I told you they'd pull us over in a stolen car!"
Grandpa next to her bawls her out: "Shut up, else you'll tell him about the drugs in the upholstery too!"
A voice from the trunk asks: "Have we crossed the border already?!"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on January 12, 2014, 06:30:03 pm

A US Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in Lovers' Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices an attractive young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this situation, the Officer walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"

The trooper asks: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the Officer says: "And, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."

The trooper is now totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover's Lane and nothing is happening!

The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."

The trooper asks: "And what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on January 12, 2014, 06:31:13 pm

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own,

He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes,she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt, she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on January 12, 2014, 08:54:11 pm

What is the definition of futility?

An English batter putting on sunscreen.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on January 14, 2014, 10:14:19 pm

Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.

Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on January 23, 2014, 11:35:01 pm

"Beer"...........

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties &local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on February 05, 2014, 05:23:15 pm

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and
eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not
hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up, I'm starving.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: boss69hogg on February 05, 2014, 07:47:04 pm

A mate came over to my place and saw my dog licking its own balls. He looked at the dog and said:"I wish I could do that."

I said: "OK, But you better pet him first, he can get a bit narky."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on February 06, 2014, 05:11:08 pm

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,

gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados,

no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But... The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on February 19, 2014, 09:40:16 pm

Will You Live to see 85?

Here's something to think about........

I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I've just reached 65).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the hell do you want to live to 85?

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on February 26, 2014, 07:04:17 pm

The Black Bra!
(as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends....one is engaged, the other is a mistress and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door when they got home from work...Wearing black bra, stiletto heeled shoes and a mask over or eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes!
Here's how it all went......

My Engaged Friend: The other night when my fiance came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stillettos and a mask.....He said..."You are the woman of my Dreams..I Love You!" Then we made passionate love all night long!!

The Mistress: "Me too!!!When I met my Lover at his office the other night ...I wore a raincoat and under it only a black bra....and a msaks over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word...but started to tremble.....and we had wild sex all night!"

Then....I had to share MY STORY:
When my husband came home and saw me wearing the black bra, black stockings, stillettos and mask over my eyes ....he said...... and you'll love this!!....

"What's for Dinner Zorro??!!"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: POORPIGI on February 27, 2014, 10:20:17 pm

A 17 year old boy comes home one afternoon looking a bit shy. His father asks him what wrong. After much probing the son finally admitts that he just had sex for the first time.

"Thats it." says dad, "We are going down to the pub to celerbrate."

Walked into the pub with his son telling all his mates there that it was his shout becouse his son just had his first root.

They are all having a drink, patting the son on the back and his dad says. " Well son what was it like."

His son replyed " Well it wasn't too bad but my arse still hurts. "

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on March 07, 2014, 05:25:56 pm

A man received an e-mail from his neighbor :
"Sorry Jim, but I have been using your wife day and night whenever you’re not at home.
In fact, probably more than you. I’m confessing now because I feel really guilty.
I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. I will ask your permission in the future.”

Upon reading this, Jim gets his gun and without uttering a word he shoots his wife.

A few minutes later he received another e-mail: “Sorry Jim: I meant wifi…not wife.”

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on March 07, 2014, 05:27:41 pm

God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven.

The man said he would try his best.

God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.

"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking and the craving for both were driving me insane, so when my wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs, it was to bloody much for me.

"I pulled her skirt up, and made love to her right then and there"

"They don't like that in heaven", said God.

The man replied: "They're not too happy about it in Harrods either!"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on March 11, 2014, 07:29:38 pm

Norman & the prostitute

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on March 11, 2014, 08:11:27 pm

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.

As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, NOTHING happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions. Please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store.

The man says, 'I'll be right over.'

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.

The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on April 04, 2014, 12:29:13 am

"Dear, I've got trouble with the car ".

"What's up"

"Water in the carby"

"Couldn't be, where'd you leave it"

"In the pool"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on April 06, 2014, 09:40:09 am

Brian had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! . I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on April 08, 2014, 10:15:09 pm

How do you turn a dog into a blacksmith ?.

Smack its bum and it'll make a bolt for the door.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: boss69hogg on April 29, 2014, 08:04:24 pm

(http://i1106.photobucket.com/albums/h368/boss269hogg/e9fcef5bc825122b480ce01b4ed4a11e.jpg)

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: noblg on May 03, 2014, 10:27:19 pm

What's long.....
Brown.......
And sticky"...".

A stick..

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: red066 on May 23, 2014, 10:23:28 am

Banking explained in Irish(Good one) The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 65PQNI on June 01, 2014, 09:09:29 pm

Punography
1.) I tried to catch some fog…..I mist.
2.) When chemists die….They barium.
3.) Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
4.) A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray…Is now a seasoned veteran
5.) I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid…He says he can stop anytime. :lmao:
6.) How does Moses make his tea ?…..Hebrews it.
7.) I stayed up all night to see where the sun went….The it dawned on me.
8.) This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club..But I never met herbivore.
9.) I’m reading a book about inti-gravity…..I can’t put it down.
10.) I did a theatrical performance about puns…..It was a play on words.
11.) They told me I had type A blood…But it was a type O.
12.) A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
13.) PMS jokes aren’t funny….Period !
14.) Why were the Indians here first ?….They had reservations.
15.) Class trip to the Coca Cola factory…..I hope there’s no pop quiz.
16.) Energizer Bunny arrested……Charged with battery.
17.) I didn’t like my beard at first….Then it grew on me.
18.) How do you make Holy water ?….Boil the hell out of it.
19.) What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ?…A thesaurus.
20.) When you get a bladder infection….urine trouble.
21.) What does a clock do when it is hungry ?..It goes back for seconds.
22.) I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger….And then it hit me.
23.) Broken pencils are pointless.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on June 12, 2014, 05:31:31 pm

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,

Wait for it.wait for it..

You're just going to love this..

BP

I see you smiling

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: boss69hogg on June 12, 2014, 05:57:06 pm

The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester, just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
>
> You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
>
>
> So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
>
>
> Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
>
>
> She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
>
>
> Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
> 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
>
>
> So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
>
> Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
>
>
> 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
>
>
> She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
>
> Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...
>
>
> 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
> Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
>
>
> Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
>
>
> She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
>
>
> Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
>
> PLEASE NOTE:
> To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
>
> The first floor has wives that love sex.
>
> The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
>
>
> The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on June 23, 2014, 05:16:21 pm

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled of
beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered

with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking

out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his

newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

"Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,

wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,

sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”,

Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said,

nudged the man and apologized. "I'm
very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on June 30, 2014, 12:48:04 pm

EASYJET

Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: mickemck on July 01, 2014, 01:16:46 pm

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd1 on July 02, 2014, 05:40:49 am

Quote from: mickemck on July 01, 2014, 01:16:46 pm

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

And then he sold his soul to Santa :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: boss69hogg on July 08, 2014, 08:11:16 pm

Subject: skippy
Skippy the bush kangaroo has come forward today after years of silence......

She say's not only did Rolf Harris tie her down but the dirty bastard went on to sing about it !

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on July 11, 2014, 07:27:21 pm

MUM'S DRIVER'S LICENSE

Mother's Driver's License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mummy’, the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied. 'It's not polite'.

'OK', the little girl says,
'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?’

'Now really', the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business'.

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because on your driving licence it says you got an F in sex.'

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on July 22, 2014, 04:28:49 pm

The telephone company needed to hire four more telephone pole installers and the choice came down to two from Poland and two Irishmen.
So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, when the two Polish guys reported back, the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said it was tough going but they'd put in 12.
Forty-five minutes later, Paddy and Mick came back in, totally exhausted.
"Well, how many poles did you guys install?" said the boss
Mick wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in. "
The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Polish blokes put in 12!"
"Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground. "

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on July 30, 2014, 05:46:13 pm

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: Sukitaki.

Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this - as if you understand Japanese!

You'll read anything as long as it is about sex, won’t you?

You need help!

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on July 30, 2014, 11:44:16 pm

The little boy, who had been looking out the window on QF27 out of Melbourne to LA, turned to his mother and asked,
'Mum, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'Excuse me miss, If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats have baby cats why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because QANTAS
always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: boss69hogg on July 31, 2014, 08:00:00 pm

Quote from: Macka on July 30, 2014, 11:44:16 pm

The little boy, who had been looking out the window on QF27 out of Melbourne to LA, turned to his mother and asked,
'Mum, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'Excuse me miss, If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats have baby cats why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because QANTAS
always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

:grin: :grin: :thumb:

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on August 14, 2014, 09:35:29 am

This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: scedd1 on August 14, 2014, 10:44:20 am

Following on from the disgusting jokes above I remembered a conversation with my brother at a pub.
He spotted this Sheila and said "id give her 1"
She turned around and called him a filthy disgusting pig and he would be the last man she would ever sleep with.
He said "Hang on there fatty, i was scoring you out of 10".

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 26, 2014, 08:24:08 pm

An old blind guy wanders into an all girl biker bar by mistake.... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender - 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The whole bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says - 'Before you tell that joke Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things':

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy Club'.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The old guy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters ……..

'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.......'

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 69ISH on August 27, 2014, 05:59:47 pm

I can relate to this and I am sure others can too

http://youtu.be/jr_Nd0Cmt1U (http://youtu.be/jr_Nd0Cmt1U)

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on August 28, 2014, 08:03:58 pm

Diane, Sue and Maureen
Diane, Sue and Maureen haven't seen each other since leaving school.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Diane arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number.
After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Diane in a glass of wine.

Maureen then walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.

Diane explains that after leaving school and attending Sydney University, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Timothy is a partner in one of Australia’s leading law firms and often entertain members of Australia’s rich list.
They live in a multi-level Penthouse on Sydney Harbour overlooking the Opera house. where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.
They have a second home in London, a holiday unit on the Gold Coast and a ski lodge in Aspen.

Sue relates that she graduated from Melbourne University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon.
Her husband, James, is a leading international financial investment banker in with 5 offices around the world.
They live on 5 acres in Portsea and have Bob Hawke and James Packer as neighbours.
They have a second home in Los Angeles and a unit in the Dakota Building in New York .

Maureen explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Allan .
They run a tropical bird park in North Queensland and grow their own vegetables.
Allan can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later……

Diane blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Aldi’s.
They live in a small apartment in Cabramatta and have a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and James are both nursing care assistants in an old peoples’ home.
They live in rented town house 50k outside Melbourne and backpack around Victoria for holidays.

Maureen admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on September 07, 2014, 08:06:14 pm

Love is in the air

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was hard to bear.

It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.

I gave her a loving smile and said,

"Get that trolley over here, love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer, for the price of 2."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on September 07, 2014, 08:09:46 pm

"4 Worms In Church"
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis
to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:
The first worm in alcohol . . . . . ... Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .. Alive .
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 16, 2014, 11:33:20 am

Flawless Male Logic...

It will be hard to argue this logic.......

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man:Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:$5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a new Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on September 18, 2014, 11:04:22 am

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours !''
'I don't remember much after that.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66RedRagtop on October 31, 2014, 12:25:04 am

Two ladies were chatting over the fence.

One says rather glumly "hubby brought flowers home last night"

"Weren't you pleased ?"

"No, he wants me to lay on my back for a week with legs in the air.

"Oh you poor dear, haven't you got a vase ?"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on December 18, 2014, 08:47:45 pm

A husband and wife in
Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her
car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car
again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was
very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this
time."
:grin: :grin:

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on December 18, 2014, 08:49:52 pm

A man was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The man made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.
The man was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day..
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The man knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag..
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: ultrablox on December 20, 2014, 10:07:29 pm

We have a famous in some groups "tuner" (I've never met him), and these are his some "famous" projects. Words are not important, only pictures are. But read carefully, it may break your brain :grin: http://avtogorod.net/index.php/zapiski-avtoljubitelja/746-kak-pravilno-tjuningovat-avto (http://avtogorod.net/index.php/zapiski-avtoljubitelja/746-kak-pravilno-tjuningovat-avto)

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on January 16, 2015, 04:29:43 pm

One Word or Two?
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on January 20, 2015, 12:28:23 pm

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: teacherspet on January 20, 2015, 04:40:18 pm

Little Johnny is in his bedroom trying to go to sleep when he hears some strange noises coming from his parents bedroom. He gets out of bed & goes & has a peak through their door where he sees his naked mother on top of his naked father. Johnny bursts the door open & cries "Mum, what are you doing to Dad??!!" to which his mother replies somewhat embarrassed "I am trying to push the air out of your fathers tummy". Little Johnny pipes up & says "ah Mum, you're wasting your time. When you go out in the mornings, Mrs Robinson from next door comes over & tries to blow Dad back up again!" :pepper:

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Macka on January 21, 2015, 12:37:08 am

I know that some in here will love this..

A New South Wales policeman spots a huge drunken black guy dancing different steps on the roof of a Ford Sierra to attract women.
He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"
"A big fat drunken darkie is dancing different steps on a car roof."

"You can't say that over the radio, use proper police lingo." replies the operator. "You have to use the politically correct terminology"

"OK" he says:
"Whiskey....Zulu ...Tango .... Foxtrot.....Sierra.....Romeo"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on January 21, 2015, 09:31:53 am

:lmao: LOL

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on January 21, 2015, 01:47:45 pm

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the
number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would
receive after his death would be cut by 25% this October from 72 to 54.
A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of
suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M) responded
with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the
cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants
explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting afterlife benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the BOOM union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, New Zealand and the
entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are no virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed
to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks
like and have reconsidered their benefit package.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on February 04, 2015, 07:20:38 pm

O’Malley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.
The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't O’Malley.' The mortician thought this was rather strange so he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.

Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't O’Malley'. The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Paddy said, 'Well, O’Malley had two arseholes.'

'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: “There's O’Malley with them two arseholes!”

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on February 12, 2015, 08:15:35 pm

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something that could
possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means
when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 65GTK on February 15, 2015, 04:22:36 pm

The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre.

He could not remove the pigeons from the city.
All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.

One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.

'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.'

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon.

The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky.

All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in he air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed The blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a cheque for 1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE Question.

The Mayor asked: 'Do you have a blue Muslim?'

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on March 01, 2015, 09:05:32 pm

“Hi! I’m Jane” she said.
"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"
"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.
"You just have to ask me nicely" he replied.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: BAC on March 01, 2015, 09:08:10 pm

Quote from: Mattstang on March 01, 2015, 09:05:32 pm

"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"

Geez, don't think you'd want to be using 'short' and 'dick' in the same sentence when describing yourself... :lmao:

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on March 02, 2015, 11:46:17 am

The English language has some wonderfully
anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups
of animals.
We are all familiar with a
Herd of cows,
Flock of chickens,
School of fish
And a Gaggle of geese, and
A Pride of lions
However, less widely known is
A Murder of crows
An Exaltation of doves
And, presumably because they look so wise:
A Congress of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most
viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.........
And what is the proper collective noun for a group of
baboons?
Believe it or not ……. A Parliament
YEP....A PARLIAMENT OF BABOONS! Pretty much explains
everything doesn't it?
You just can’t make this stuff up !!

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on March 02, 2015, 01:15:13 pm

LOL...I wonder if the leader of a Parliament of Baboons is called an Abbott? :grin:

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: peter9231 on March 02, 2015, 06:23:37 pm

Absolutely Abbott.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on March 04, 2015, 10:06:25 am

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Hurstville City Council parking ranger’s funeral, a voice from inside screams

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Priest smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters

"Too f**king late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on March 07, 2015, 09:37:12 am

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on March 07, 2015, 09:37:56 am

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: Mattstang on March 26, 2015, 04:17:19 pm

Arriving In Heaven

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on March 31, 2015, 12:24:50 pm

A man walks into a drug store with his 9-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on April 17, 2015, 10:46:15 am

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: 66 Hertz on April 21, 2015, 05:23:45 pm

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome .

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: R_Beckhaus on April 21, 2015, 05:31:52 pm

The same two nuns were cycling the backstreets of Rome to help deliver a baby, when a pair of assailants knocked them off their bikes and had their evil male way with them. After it was over, the younger Nun asked:-
"How are we going to tell Mother Superior that we were violated twice each in one night?"
The elder Nun said "Twice! how do you get that number?"
The younger Nun replied "Well we're coming back home this way aren't we?"

Title: Husband down in Isle 5!
Post by: HEVEN67 on April 23, 2015, 02:00:55 pm

Husband and wife and in the supermarket
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife. They carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
That's him in Aisle 5

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: HEVEN67 on May 18, 2015, 09:34:20 pm

What did FORD say to the GM............................I don't recall!

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: MachDave on May 27, 2015, 07:41:37 am

Advice for older men...

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young girl walking in....

I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in reception."

Title: Re: God's Sense of Humour
Post by: teacherspet on May 27, 2015, 06:05:41 pm

Eight year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad"he replied.
"You're in Australia now" said the teacher. "From now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia & from now on my name is Mike" he replied.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" she yelled.
So his mother beat the shit out of him, & when his father came home & found out, he beat the shit out of him too.
The next day, Mohammed returned to school & his teacher immediately noticed all of the bruises on him.
"What happened to you Mike?" she asked.
"Well, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two fu@#ing Muslims!"

Mustang Owners Club Australia Forum

Technical & General Discussion Area => General Chat Room => Topic started by: HEVEN67 on April 26, 2007, 10:46:34 am