Originally posted by echo
Does it change gear? Or is it stuck in one gear?
Whats the chances of a sneak preview of a bit of footage?
Have you had a look on the big screen yet?
Originally posted by HEVEN67
Just finished rebuilding motor & C4 on my ZK Fairlane and took it for a blast to "see what she could do"......220-230km/h and bang....snapped the rear extension on the C4 in half :+
It now resides on my wall (the rear extension).
Shawn
Originally posted by ron
SEE!! I told you Phill has a sense of humour! .... What does WIFE stand for.... Washing, Ironing, Food and Entertainment:a
Originally posted by R_Beckhaus
What's the difference between a fox & a dog?
2 beers!
Originally posted by Mac1
Ah, i see where this is going now -Blondesville..
Car Trouble
A blonde pushes her 66 Mustang into a petrol station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Originally posted by Mac1
Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
Originally posted by jmd1:w:(
Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
Originally posted by Mac1
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy sh it! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Sh it! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
Originally posted by jmd1
THINGS TO PONDER
- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What disease did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when asking where the bathroom is?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
- If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Originally posted by Mac1
JMD1.. you'll have the censors onto you over that one..
Originally posted by Mac1
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away .. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Originally posted by Mac1
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away .. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Originally posted by jmd1Definetly written by a married man:(:w:i
10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you
get another dog?'
Originally posted by Mac1
As we age, our priorities change . The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and took the fastback for a blast.
Originally posted by jmd1
Dam right Ron
Us old farts may be smooth up top but we hope we can still be smooth., as per you'r avatar.
:+
Originally posted by jmd1
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Originally posted by nassiQuoteOriginally posted by jmd1
Man who run in front of car get tired.
or should that be tyred :+
Originally posted by nassiQuoteOriginally posted by jmd1
Man who run in front of car get tired.
or should that be tyred :+
Originally posted by Mac1
Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r120/heven67/booger.jpg)
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
Originally posted by Mac1
A Mustang owner and his wife were lying in bed one night. The wife is all curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a thick Mustang book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife, and fondles her "special area." He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused... and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement, she gets up and starts stripping right in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown.... I thought it was foreplay."
The husband says, "No, not at all."
His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing?"
Seconds before his death, he says... "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."
Originally posted by jmd1
I went to my first Muslim birthday party today !
Musical chairs was a bit slow... but f*%k me, pass the parcel was fast!
Originally posted by jmd1
My only one till Friday as no access to computer;x
Thor, the god of thunder, assumes mortal form, comes down to earth on a Friday night and goes to a singles bar. He ends up going home with a beautiful woman. They spend the weekend in her place making passionate love, over and over again. Come Monday morning, Thor deciding to reveal his true identity, says "I am Thor!". The women looks at him and replies, "You're Thor!? I'm so thor I can hardly pith!"
Originally posted by Mac1
A Victoria Mustang owner is drinking in a Sydney pub when he gets a call on his mobilel phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Melbourne baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Melbournian just shrugs, "That's about average down there, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Melbourne baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Melbournian returns to the pub. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Melbourne baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
The Melbourne father takes a slow swig from his Victoria Bitter, wipes his lips on his Mustang shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."
Originally posted by scedd
this reminded me of when i was circumcised at the age of 21.
The doctor let me keep the leftovers to use as a spare fan belt for my mustang.
Originally posted by R_Beckhaus
When I was circumcised at birth, my parents had a wallet made from the "offcuts", and gave it to me on my 21st Birthday. Greatest wallet I've ever owned, and if you rub it gently it turns into a suitcase!:w
Originally posted by jmd1
I bought a teddy bear yesterday for $10. I named him Mohammed. Last night I sold him for $30. My question is, have I made a prophet?
:2
Originally posted by mudguts:w:w:w:w
what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a lake.
bob
Originally posted by Mac1
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"
Originally posted by R_Beckhaus
Maybe KFC can invent a "HEVEN BURGER" for hungry mustang drivers!
Originally posted by Mac1:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
The Perfect Woman
Quotes From The Perfect Woman:
1.) "I'll swallow it all...I just love the taste!"
2.) "Are you sure you've had enough beer?"
3.) "I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!"
4.) "Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good ####o movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!"
5.) "If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!"
6.) "I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?"
7.) "You're so sexy when you're hung over."
8.) "I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping."
9.) "Let's subscribe to Hustler."
10.) "Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?"
11.) "Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses."
12.) "I'll be out painting the house."
13.) "I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too."
14.) "Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!"
15.) "I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house."
16.) "No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed."
17.) "Your mother did a great job raising you."
18.) "Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself new clubs."
19.) "I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever."
20.) "Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?"
21.) "Not the censored Aing mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!" 22.) "Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8."
23.) "You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings."
24.) "That was a great fart! Do another one!"
25.) "I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya!"
26.)You go put your feet up, i'll polish the Mustang."
Originally posted by Mac1
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctors office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only
just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the
washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
Originally posted by jmd1
According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you. They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
Ain't that the truth.
Originally posted by HEVEN67QuoteOriginally posted by jmd1
According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you. They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
Ain't that the truth.
Who are "they"? How do they know?:*
Originally posted by jmd1QuoteOriginally posted by HEVEN67QuoteOriginally posted by jmd1
According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you. They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
Ain't that the truth.
Who are "they"? How do they know?:*
Hev
Isn't it obvious? They are the guru's We all know about those blokes.:+:+:+
Originally posted by Mac1
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
:w
Originally posted by Mac1
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the
agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."
:f
Originally posted by Mac1
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain
out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't
you remember about three months ago when we broke down in your Mustang and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him,
and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Originally posted by jmd1..........................
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter." Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never!" replies Dave. "Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave, wake up you drunken bastard! You've sh.t the bed!".
Originally posted by HEVEN67QuoteOriginally posted by jmd1..........................
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter." Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never!" replies Dave. "Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave, wake up you drunken bastard! You've sh.t the bed!".
.....................................REPEAT...............................................
Sorry Hev but it is getting hard to remember......
Originally posted by Mac1
I've sure gotten old!
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine.
Bought my current Mustang during a mid life crisis 40 yrs ago.
I take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God my renewal keeps coming up and
I still have my driver's licence.
Originally posted by Mac1
I'm back...!!
About bloody time even Hev has run out. Nearly up to 14thou looks.
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one Morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!" The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money" The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George!" said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls". The Aussie said, "So what's wrong with them playing at frigging night then?";4;4
Originally posted by jmd1
Another bad taste....:+:+
Two Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes."Crikey mate, that was impressive!" "I get lots of practice" replied the other guy. "My wife's epileptic".
Originally posted by victorypark
Had my registration to an online dating agency rejected. One question was, "what do you like in a woman?".
Apparently "MY CO*K" is not an acceptable answer.
Originally posted by Mac1
Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers
Originally posted by stuie87
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Originally posted by stuie87
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Originally posted by jmd1
Q. HOW DO YOU MAKE A DOG GO MIAOW?
A. FREEZE IT, THEN PUT IT THROUGH A BANDSAW.
Originally posted by jmd1
A black guy goes to the doctors with a frog on his head and the doctor says, "What seems to be the problem?" And the frog says, "I've got this large blackhead on my bum."
Originally posted by Camaro91
I hope this is not a duplicate after the previous comment!
Originally posted by ozbilt
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.
He said, "No hablo ingles."
Originally posted by donoauto
Latest news for our kiwi friends here. Just noticed on Channel 10 news that the price of lamb has gone up!!!!!! Apparently it`s now around $40 an hour
Originally posted by HEVEN67
These one liners are getting long winded!
Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Cause someone threw a fridge at him!
See quality one liners!LOL:+
what do you call a deer with no eyes?
No Idea?
Sources tell me that B.P. dropped a huge wedding ring over the well and it stopped putting out immediately.
Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our
problem. Those dingo?s ain't f---in' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em.'
Breaking sports news.........
India has beaten Pakistan by 5 wickets in Mumbai next Thursday.
A mate of mine has started a business manufacturing anti personnell mines that look like prayer rugs...
He says prophets are going through the roof
INTERESTING PIECE OF HISTORY (got this from a friend today)
In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
........ 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an
electric fence.'
I was in Woollies the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy.....
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Older guys are helpful like that.
I couldnt find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes , so i asked the kids if they had seen it . Apparently she left me yesterday .
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra ..
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the car window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'
'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Wayne Swan and Bob Brown.
They're asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'
'Most people are giving about Five Litres.'
Whats the difference between ET & a refugee?.
ET looked better, smelt better, learn't english, didn't claim benefits
had is own bike & wanted to go home
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom..
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times, this provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean..
Yours sincerely,
The Dog !!
The New 2012 Ford
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
What does a St Clair girl use for protection during sex??
..............A Bus Shelter.
EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW:kick:
You a Foolly Sik Puppy!:sick::smile01:
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians!
Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving
parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'
Graig Thompson is being put up as the Labour Party's saviour.
Finally labour has found someone who can organise a root in a brothel.
A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you
want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced
and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for her
request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I
have heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69.
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..
"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that whileHard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
Too funny but how true,
I am sure I know some of those people :lol:
Cheers
Matt
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
The little boy, who had been looking out the window on QF27 out of Melbourne to LA, turned to his mother and asked,
'Mum, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'Excuse me miss, If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats have baby cats why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'
The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'
'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because QANTAS
always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short"